Wednesday, August 07, 2013
Tonight was a little odd. I actually had a few food thoughts around 7pm, and started to hear myself rationalize eating junk food in my head. I managed to nip that crap in the bud, but still went ahead and had a serving of pretzels and 8oz of diet ginger ale?!?!
There is so much going on right now...and at times today, for a couple of brief moments, I was significantly discomforted inside myself. But at the end of every day, the ONLY thing in this world over which I am able to exercise ANY control, is what goes into my mouth. And it just popped into my mind as I wrote that, that if I give up on myself...if I fail at recovery, I will be lost...perhaps forever...in the tumult that surrounds me right now.
Eating clean is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I can do today...because it makes everything else manageable. Eating clean...saving myself...supersedes EVERY OTHER CIRCUMSTANCE I am facing. Nothing in this world is AS IMPORTANT as my spiritual, mental and physical well being. And as she politely reminds me that I could even ditch my physical well being from that list...I know she is right. My most important job in every moment is to simply BE...and to BE PRESENT. I can do that without physical health if I have to.
So tonight, I pull that dark shadow of fear from the closet into the bright light of awareness!
I am...I am. And my job is to be. That's it. And that's all.
The rest of those two sentences are BULLSH*T for me.
Eating, as a response to a momentary lapse of Presence, is NEVER AN OPTION!!!
Tuesday, August 06, 2013
Tonight, I am grateful for the connection we share as fellow travelers here in this world.
I am not separate from you. You are not separate from me. We are One. I am grateful to know this. I am grateful to live this.
Recovery is permitting me to repair my Primal, Spiritual connection to everything and everyone. This repair...this reconnection, is transforming my life. :-)
Monday, August 05, 2013
I began recovering from food addiction here on Spark back in April. I filled in all of the requisite information we are asked about at the beginning of our journey, and I wound up with a goal of 142 pounds lost, and a final weight of 140. I set up my ticker and started my journey. I lost 20 pounds in the first three weeks and my starfish barely moved! I could hardly bear to look at it! It was more of a discouragement than a cheerleader. So I did something I've never done before and I changed my goal to a short-term,
acheivable-at-some-point in the foreseeable future kind of goal. I decided that although it might be weird to WISH and DESIRE and LONG to be 249 pounds...that was my truth, and I was going to embrace it. So I changed my goal strategy to include several goals, instead of just one.
The first goal was to get that big chunky, clunky piece of metal on the clinic scale OFF of the '250' indentation, and ONTO the '200' one. I only needed to be 249 for that to happen, so I edited my beach ticker, and less than four months later, CHECK!!!! DONE!!!! GOAL!!!! :-). I weigh 249 pounds today :-). I am so very grateful for the support, encouragement and love that got me here today. Thank you, Friends for your hands and hearts, and your willingness to assist me in that endeavor! I will repeatedly stare at my ticker today and REJOICE in the fact that my little star fish looks like he's contemplating a jump off the edge of that beach :-).
But when I log back on tonight to email my AP and my PB, I will change my ticker. My next goal is to weigh what I weighed when I married Mr Slezak. I will strive to achieve a 32 pound weight loss with a *goal weight of 217. My start weight shall stay the same, but the end of that ticker will grow considerably. And I will REVEL in moving Mr Starfish further down the line.
I share all of that to say this. I am changing. I am growing. I am learning. I was always an 'all or nothing'/ type A personality. But I have realized, I can't get to 140 without passing a whole bunch of other numbers on the way. And those numbers matter EVERY BIT AS MUCH as the 140! Taking my time, being realistic and loving myself enough to do this right, is where I am now. Our lives are rarely ever black or white...they're usually a whole lot of shades of grey. And I am basking in the heather grey of my life right at this moment :-).
Besides, 249 today, feels WAY BETTER than 282 ever did or could... :-)
Thank you all for your help and your love! I reached a GOAL today!!!! The first of many, I'm sure!
Sunday, August 04, 2013
What a lovely surprise to which I awoke this morning. My dear friends had shared with me their lists of thanks and it was truly inspiring, healing and joyful to hear from each of you about the things for which you're grateful :-).
I have to say...those lists gave me energy. Immediately upon reading what each of you wrote, my whole being was charged with positivity, presence and JOY, JOY, JOY!!! :-)
Thank you all for sharing this path with me...and unabashedly revealing your hearts and souls along the way!! Together we are doing what we could never do alone :-)
And how nice is that?!?! :-)
Saturday, August 03, 2013
Today, I am grateful for the healing effect a grateful heart can have on a hurting mind. I have for many, many years believed and practiced, that the only appropriate prayer which exists in the Universe is 'thank you'. I have seen in my life the transformative nature of gratitude. It turns the unbearable, the unpleasant and the unimaginable into BLESSING.
But this week I had a front row seat at what a lack of gratitude can wreak in a life. It is scary and ugly and painful to watch someone I love very much implode...not for a lack of good things in his life, but for a lack of his ability to RECOGNIZE those good things and be, simply grateful.
Gratitude is the gift that keeps on giving. It is a FORCE unto itself. It keeps me aware of the fact that regardless of what is happening in my life on any given day, I am SO FORTUNATE to be here...having whatever experience presents itself.
Today I am grateful for Ray, for Smokey, for Presence, for recovery, for Spark, for SPARK FRIENDS...for family...and for one brother in particular tonight.
The rest is just icing on the cake...icing I can do without, when that day comes...and still be perfectly whole. :-)
If you would, share the things for which you're grateful right now. I need the energy, to be honest. Thank you, Friends :-)
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