Friday, August 02, 2013
I awoke to a brand new life today. It fractures the past from the present and has an immeasurable consequence on the future. I stand today enshrouded in a brand new paradigm, and it has woke me from my slumber.
Today I am free of all concepts. Today, I have shed my mortal vestments. Today I am humbly...and simply...and completely...the I AM. I am the I AM. And there is nothing else :-)
Thursday, August 01, 2013
Today I am so incredibly grateful forSpark. I have somethig extremely difficult to do this evening with regard to my family, and I just cannot imagine how this would have gone down wihout my being in recovery. Because here is what I know right now:
EVERYTHING is manageable with a clear head, an honest heart and a found soul.
Spark gave be back those things. With them, I navigate this road called life, through all the twists and turns. Except now I do that with clarity, dignity and PEACE, PEACE, PEACE!! I don't have to abuse myself with food ever again! I am free of the haze of compulsion! I no longer lie to MYSELF, or anyone else. I know who I am and I know why I am here!
What a GIFT! :-)
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Last week's theme was positivity. This week, we seem to have a running consensus on what it is we're all doing here. Different questions have been posed around me this week, but ultimately the answer ALWAYS revolved around...'why are you here and for whom do you do this?'.
I was reminded in sharing my program with some friends WHY I am here and to WHOM I am responsible at the end of every day. I'd like to expand on that topic in an effort to nail it down in MY head today.
I came to Spark to lose weight. I saw the Beautiful MissB (MISSB8604) on an AOL success story and I related to her age and amount of weight lost. I figured, if she can do it, so can I. I joined SPARK as soon as I finished reading her story on April 10th of this year.
I found the trackers, the articles, the teams, the boards and I made my Spark page. These are TOOLS...tools to which I had no access previously, and tools which led me to the ultimate tool...the interaction with other people who shared my compulsion to overeat. In a lifetime of yo-yo dieting, I had only ever had REAL, SUCCESSFUL, SUSTAINABLE weight loss when immersed in a program of recovery (OA) where I gave and received encouragement, support and love with other food addicts. I lost 160 pounds and kept it off for YEARS. I didn't gain it back until I left OA. So for ME...the proof is in the sugar free, weighed and measured, snack-sized pudding cup. :-)
I don't need a diet.; I need recovery. SPARK surprisingly and immediately became my recovery program :-).
But at the beginning and end of every day...SPARK is a TOOL. Which means...so are you...and so am I. I AM HERE TO SAVE MY LIFE AND SAVE MY SOUL from the ravages of food addiction and poor health. I WORK THIS PROGRAM FOR ME. Then I work it for you. I use the tools. I place myself out there for others to use me the very same way. If I fall in love with you along the way, and vice versa, so be it. Friendship on this journey only makes it more fun and interesting.
But I am here to fix my head...so my body will fix itself. And ANY tool that no longer serves that purpose...must go. No hard feelings, no anger. You owe me nothing, nor I you. We simply part company and I send you on your way with all the best wishes in the world for your own success here...whatever that may mean to you.
I POST FOR ME. I COMMENT FOR ME. I BLOG FOR ME. I EMAIL FOR ME. I TRACK FOR ME. I POST MY ACCURATE WEIGHT FOR ME. I EMAIL MY ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER AND MY PROGRAM BUDDY EVERY EVENING FOR ME. AND I SHARE MYSELF WITH YOU...FOR ME!
The day I decide to do this for ANY OTHER PERSON, I run the risk of blowing it for myself. And that ain't gonna happen. Not this time.
In stating all of that, this is what I commit to and what I have to offer for your toolbox:
I WILL HONESTLY SHARE MY EXPERIENCE, STRENGTH AND HOPE IN THIS PROCESS.
I WILL ENCOURAGE YOU, SUPPORT YOU AND LOVE YOU.
I WILL SMILE AND BE POSITIVE. NO EXCEPTIONS. There's always something to grumble about, if you want to go that way. Which also means there is ALWAYS something for which to be grateful. It's a choice...every single minute, every single day. I will only ever be grateful here. If I have sh*t I need to b*tch about, I will do it in the privacy of email with a trusted confidant. Our words are way too powerful to to think I can or should bring negative ones to this sacred space.
I WILL BE HERE EVERY DAY.
I will walk most closely with those who work a similar program.
That's what I got to give...take it or leave it. I'll be doing the same :-).
I am grateful to the Source of all that is for every one of you who shows up here and works this program with me :-) And I love you :-).
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
I received the answer to my question from yesterday, this morning while in the garden reading the Tao. Chapter 27 was today's read and it goes like this:
A good traveler has no fixed plans
and is not intent upon arriving.
A good artist lets his intuition
lead him wherever it wants.
A good scientist has freed himself of concepts
and keeps his mind open to what is.
Thus the Master is available to all people
and doesn't reject anyone.
She is ready to use all situations
and doesn't waste anything.
This is called embodying the light.
What is a good man but a bad man's teacher?
What is a bad man but a good man's job?
If you don't understand this, you will get lost,
however intelligent you are.
It is the great secret.
Monday, July 29, 2013
I have tried to write this blog THREE different times today. Each time, I permitted fear to stop me from posting it.
To be honest, I questioned myself today, quite poignantly about my sanity. It 'looks like' I'm losing my mind. Because what's been happening in me lately just isn't normal. And today, it made me wonder if I was crazy.
I was so incredibly grateful today for a job I can no longer stand to do. I ask questions in my mind and the answers come from somewhere else. I am losing everything that's supposed to be important to a person, and I have more peace and joy than I have ever experienced in my entire life. I blogged a week or so ago about my GRATITUDE for food addiction...GRATITUDE...for this thing I have hated about my existence, since I was a little girl.
I very seriously wondered earlier this afternoon if perhaps I am psychotic or manic depressive. I typed out the question, 'am I losing my mind?' at around 3pm, in my first attempt at this daily blog. And I heard Her again...I heard Her say deep, deep inside of me, and I watched as the words spilled out onto the screen...
'of course you're losing your mind. that's what you came here to do. it's the thing you must lose in order to find your soul'.
I closed the blog window.
I tried to avoid this two more times in order to post a blog today, but I can't. This is what happened. I could lie about it and just say I had a great day, which I did, so that part is true. But today, I really, really wondered if I'm just crazy. And as I get ready to go to bed right now, I still don't have an answer. Am I insane or is this what it feels like to become my Intended Self? Or is it both? Is becoming the thing you were created to be...a spiritual being having a human experience...the same as going crazy? And if it is, who cares? Isn't crazy just a label too? What makes it different than any other adjective, really? It's completely subjective. Maybe all of those people in the asylums are really the sane ones and we're all the nut cases out here killing and mistreating each other and the planet. Doesn't sound like the way a sane person behaves, now that I think about it. We really are quite sociopathic as a species, if you look at the facts of how we navigate our lives here.
Anyway...can't get off on that tangent. I just spent some time today wondering what's happening to me...what's REALLY happening. I suppose time will tell, better than anything else. I'll stay in the present for now, as it really is all I've got and right now, today, I'm fine.
I know this one thing for sure. If this IS crazy, it feels really good. I am free from the trappings of humanity...and I am full of peace and joy and love. I don't know that I would ever want to go back to 'sane' again.
I don't want to post this, but it was my truth today.
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