Thursday, July 25, 2013
There seems to be a recurring theme here of late regarding 'positivity'. People are WANTING to be positive, people are TRYING to be positive, people are HOPING to get positive. I have repeatedly been accused of such a thing...this POSITIVITY, which I translate to include JOY, so I'd like to share the little I know about it here today.
I know that I did not experience regular, recurrent and random positivity until I WAS POSITIVE. I had heard a quote by Abraham Lincoln many years ago that said "Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." This gem came to me while in the the beginning stages of my own, personal spiritual awakening. I was old enough to know I could no longer afford to wait for joy/positivity to show up. I had to go make it happen, so I set out to do just that. But this joy I made happen didn't happen in the world, in my life, in my relationships or in my career. IT HAPPENED IN MY HEAD. Which is great because if you look at the list I just named, my head is the only thing on it, over which I have ANY control. I realized then that the only person in the whole, wide world I can change is me. So I changed me. I lost 160 pounds. I got out of a bad relationship. I got a new job. I moved to a new city. I forced myself to have experiences I had NEVER had in my 35 years of life. And I was MISERABLE. So it was time to dig deeper.
I had EVERY reason you can come up with to be negative...and some you cannot even imagine. But was I going to allow what had happened in the past effect EVERY day for the rest of my life?!? I had changed EVERYTHING on the outside and was still so unhappy, so far away from true joy. It was time to face the one thing I had avoided for decades...my internal dialogue...my EGO.
I cannot tell you what joy/ positivity is for you. I CAN tell you what it IS NOT. Joy is NOT...
something you find
something you earn
something you keep
something you deserve
something you are owed
JOY is something upon which you DECIDE. And it is your natural, intended state.
You were placed here to be JOYFUL and POSITIVE! You already ARE the thing you believe you lack. Ego, in the form of COMPULSIVE THOUGHT robs you of your true nature in every minute you entertain it. I learned that when I let go of the building blocks of compulsive thinking...judgment, attachment and expectation...then peace, joy and love ABOUNDED! When you're full of those three, it's IMPOSSIBLE to be negative! :-) But it's never a done deal. We don't 'get joy', as if it's something we then own. We only HAVE joy when we CHOOSE joy.
Empty your mind, and your heart IMMEDIATELY becomes full of gratitude and positivity! It's not a journey as much as it's a simple fork in the road. Take one side and you completely cut yourself off from the other and vice versa. It's not an 'if and when' but a 'this or that'.
CHOOSE JOY! CHOOSE POSITIVITY! And it will ABOUND in you, in your family and in your world!
I promise... ;-)~~~
As Forest Gump so eloquently stated...
And that's all I have to say about that! :-)))))
love you ALL,
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
I can't believe I get to live this way again. I can't believe I get to recover here. I can't believe I am getting smaller everyday...inside and outside...just by showing up here and giving and receiving love! I am reminded of a single concept, spoken two different ways by two different teachers, hundreds of years apart.
If you want to be given everything...you must first give everything up---Lao Tzu
...and whosoever shall lose his life, shall save it---Jesus Christ
My program has required that I surrender my will. In doing so meal by meal, day by day, I have gained EVERYTHING! :-). Acceptance and surrender...my two BEST friends!
That concept is still true today! :-) I am so very, very grateful!
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
I'm still basking in the glow today...lol. Seriously, it is a joy to navigate this existence without the burden, shame and haze of food addiction. Regardless of WHAT is happening, the gift of BEING HERE to experience it is priceless. And thanks to recovery, I am now HERE...sober, sane and sentient. :-). I wouldn't trade any of this for the world!
Monday, July 22, 2013
Today was such a great day. If you've ever walked around with something you didn't even realize was bothering you, until after you had let it go, then you know exactly the relief I feel :-).
Having this connection with Ray...having the 'fight' gone...has made me feel so very calm and serene today. I no longer stand at the ready for battle. It is such a relief.
Thank you all for your support and kind words. I love you...my SparkFriends...more than I can say :-)!
Sunday, July 21, 2013
I am on a bunch of teams. I am here on SparkPeople. I belong to 'The Spark Spa'...FABULOUS place and amazing energy! I participate with the '40-somethings with 100 pounds to lose'...very helpful in reaching out to the newbies, which is part of my program. SOMEONE joins that team EVERY DAY...unbelievable! I have formed a sort-of team at The Soap Box...the 'hippie hour' folks and my customers who believe wholeheartedly in The Soap Box message. I've belonged to church choirs and softball teams. When I lived as a lesbian, I was part of the gay community...the largest team EVER...lol. Believe me when I say...I have been on teams.
But the one team I didn't get, or understand, or feel like I was a part of, was the team my husband believed he was joining when he married me. After we were married and the weight of finances and starting a business began to eclipse what had been a 'perfect relationship' up until that point, he would always say to me 'I don't feel like you're on my team'. I honestly never knew what the hell he was talking about. I cleaned his clothes and our house, I supported his dream of starting his own business with my heart AND with my money, I loved him with my body, heart and mind. How in the world could I not be on his team?!?!
But today, something happened. Only the clarity of abstinence and the courage that comes from living COMPLETELY HONESTLY (which one CANNOT do, when seeped in ANY addiction, especially food) made this 'something' possible. Today, I joined his team.
For the last five years I have felt like (and more frighteningly, LIVED as if) we were in a fight. There was a battle raging and it was a do-or-die DEATH MATCH, where only one person would be left standing at the end. Only one of us could win...and I was not about to let my PhillyGirl get her ass handed to her by a country boy from the Poconos.
I don't know where this came from...actually, that's a lie...lolol...I was just blindsided by images from my past...
I DO know from where this came, but that part of my life has been over for decades. However, it seems, the remnants of those experiences allowed me to believe that I would FOREVER have to stand guard...that I was never REALLY safe...that sleeping with one eye open was my destiny. Those remnants made me feel more comfortable with women than with men when I was younger. After years of therapy and recovery, when I could finally be with a man, apparently, they still completely fu**ed up my ability to let my husband all the way in, and to allow any part of me to be sheltered by him.
I didn't know a family was supposed to be a team. I never SAW a family be a team. Everyone was ALWAYS at each other's throats. Even this week, I had to break up a 'fight' between my 70 year old mother and my 44 year old brother! No one exchanged blows, but the vitriol that they can heap upon one another is ten times worse than just getting slugged in the jaw! I'd seriously rather be punched than to have to listen to what these two did to one another with words.
I never knew until today what was wrong in my marriage. Even after all of the counseling and soul-searching and growth and healing and awareness that has been a part of my life since I started to fix myself at the age of 30, I was still so very broken inside when it came to trust and teamwork. I really kind of thought I was fixed by now...lololol. Oh well...something HUGE got fixed today :-). That's all that matters.
Today, I joined another team...the most important team. Raymond and I are on the Slezak team...with SmokeyBoy, of course. He waited quite a long time for me to show up, and for that, I could not be more grateful. It could have easily ended the way every, other marriage in my family has ended...with divorce...on more than one occasion. But he REFUSED to let me get away. I don't know how or why, but he just wouldn't let me go. He deserves so much credit for hanging on, for believing I would eventually show up, and join his team one day.
I am grateful for Spark. I am grateful to be recovering here. I am grateful for all of you who recover with me. I am grateful for the clarity and the courage that come from living in the light of recovery...and where the haze that accompanies compulsive eating, has no place.
Thank you Source! Thank you SPark! Thank you Friends! And thank you Dawn Vlinder, for keeping my confidences, lo these many months, and holding my hand the most tightly!!!
I love you all. And today, I especially love my Sister, Dawn :-).
Get An Email Alert Each Time STEFIGURL Posts