Thursday, June 13, 2013
I am an extremely confident person. I am confident in what I DO and DO NOT possess. I know what I have to offer and I am even more certain of where improvements can and should be made. So please do not misinterpret 'confident' for cocky. I simply mean to say that I OWN what I do and do not bring to the table.
This is a tremendous gift...one I did not always possess. I remember too vividly the pain I caused myself and the pain I allowed others to put me through when I did not understand as well, the depths of my inherent value and worth. I remember as a child seeing beautiful, talented, resourceful women in my life beat down, physically AND emotionally by men who didn't deserve the women that they were...all for a lack of those women being CONFIDENT in themselves. My mother to this day STILL does not know how to give herself approval, and as a result is ALWAYS looking for it outside of herself. What a trap!
When I began to wake up to what is real in my early thirties, I discovered who I was...why I am here...and it gave me a confidence, rivaled unfortunately by very few people...women in particular. I am not cocky. I am grateful and humbled to know who I AM...and the extent of my worth and value in this world.
But compulsive eating was a VEIL over that confidence. I felt like there was an asterisk attached to my confidence. Because as worthy and valuable as I am, that compulsive and shameful thing I did with food dirtied up and covered over EVERYTHING ELSE I knew myself to be.
But today, in speaking with a non-Spark friend about my experience on SP, I used that word out loud again. I literally said...'I am confident that as long as I show up EVERY DAY and work this program, I will recover...one day, one meal at a time'.
I am CONFIDENT that I have found the solution to what I do with with food on the pages of this website. I am CONFIDENT that in offering and receiving support, encouragement and love with others who share my struggle on a daily basis, that my days of abusing myself with food are over. THAT confidence permits MY confidence to SHINE again. No more veil. No more dirt. No more shame. It's just me now.
And just me is MORE than enough :-).
Thank you SparkPeople and thank you Chris for your dedication to providing this site to people like me! I love you!