Tuesday, June 11, 2013
I know, I know, I know...better than I can express with words...it's just a number. It is JUST a number. However, TODAY there are TWO very important reasons why that singular number is so very special.
I have not, as I've shared earlier, been below 262 in three years. The last time I saw 259 was when I was passing it, on my way up to 285. That's a big damn deal in my book, sure, but there is an even more important reason WHY 259 is an important number today.
I have had four serious romantic relationships in my life. During EVERY SINGLE ONE, I gained weight. I gained 50 pounds during my first four year relationship, and lost it when that fell apart. I gained 150 pounds during my second five-year relationship and lost 80 when she left. I gained 50 of that back during my third six-year relationship, and didn't lose it until I KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that Donna and I would no longer be together. During the last year of living with her, I lost 100 pounds and went on to lose another 60 during the next eight months as a single person. I was 190 pounds when I met my wonderful husband Ray. I even lost eight more pounds while we dated. I was beautiful, inside and out and I loved the person I became in recovery. But on the day I moved into his home, I quit OA and I went back to that food addicted, weight gainer. I have gained 100 pounds in five years, while living with my husband. I have NEVER lost weight while loving someone in a cohabitant relationship...EVER!
I have made too many attempts to lose this weight over the last three years...each to no avail. Until now :-). I have lost 23 pounds, a great number :-). But the most important number TODAY is 259. Because 259 means I am RECOVERING, not just losing weight. I am in a (for the most part) happy, successful and fulfilling relationship with a very lovely man...and I am NOT abusing myself with food. THAT IS A F'ING MIRACLE to me :-).
So I say today...259 is a big damn deal! TODAY, that number matters a whole lot to me. I feel like I've just been let out of a cage and am FREE at last! :-)
Monday, June 10, 2013
Today marks the anniversary of two months on SparkPeople. April 10th seems like a LIFETIME ago...lolol :-). Actually, it just occurred to me, in some ways, it is.
Two months ago, I was lost in a sea of addiction to food. I was at the beginning of a HUGE life journey, and I was so frightened that I wouldn't be able to accomplish the goals I had set for myself in running a successful new business and changing the way my community cleans. I knew things had to change...I knew I needed to lose weight...but I had NO IDEA on Earth how that was going to happen FOR REAL and FOR GOOD.
Then I saw her. Brittney, MISSB8604, was splashed across AOL in a weight-loss before and after story. She was my size, my age and she managed to lose over 100 pounds. As I reached the 'this is how I did it' part, I saw SparkPeople.com for the very first time. I logged on, and the rest is history.
Today I am 22 pounds lighter. I am under 262 for the first time in 3 years. I just pulled my 'almost skinny' clothes out of storage yesterday and walked around in size 20 capri pants last night. Most importantly, I am FREE. I am clear and sober from the haze of too much food and too little self-esteem :-). I am running a profitable business, still working as a nurse, caring for my family and starting a REVOLTution in my community. I could not have imagined this person was inside of me on April 10th. But she is. She is here...present and accounted for...and I love her so very much TODAY :-).
Thank you Brittney for taking your journey to such a public place and inspiring me to log on. I love you more than words can every say for that :-). And thank you to each of you who have walked this road with me. I know ONE thing for sure...recovery is a TEAM SPORT. It is not for the weak of heart or mind. It is WORK, and it is HARD. But SP makes it an easier journey than it would have been otherwise. I wouldn't be here were it not for all of you!
Sunday, June 09, 2013
There is something very cathartic about the process of cleaning something out. Whether it's a junk drawer, a file cabinet or that little box we all have to keep those slivers of our old selves, it can be a very healing and/or rejuvenating experience.
Today I cleaned out my closet. Despite the fact that the scale hasn't moved in two weeks, my 28's and 26's have gotten far too big on me. While in there, I ran into someone I love dearly. She's the woman inside who believes in me. As I opened the vacuum sealed zip bags the size 20's and 22's were in, I heard her say...'I knew you'd be back'. And it wasn't in that sardonic, 'I told you so' voice. It was kind and compassionate, empathetic, with a touch of nostalgia.
See, a couple of years ago, during one of my stints at 285, I remembered an article I had read in a magazine that said 'keeping clothes in your closet you cannot wear is similar to keeping food in your fridge you can't eat. It does nothing more than take up valuable space and torture you in the meantime.' So the 285 pound me decided it was time to pack up ALL of the clothes I couldn't wear, sized 14-24, and donate them to goodwill. I tried. I meant to . I wanted to be free of the giggles and smirks I heard every time I opened that closet and tried to dress myself and look pretty. But this lady in the closet kept saying...'She's not really done yet. Don't give up on her. She's gonna come around. She'll find another way besides OA to recover. Give her a chance. She'll be back, I swear...
Well, today, I came back. And I cried. I was so grateful for the higher, divine part of me that knew...even back then...even at 285...that I wasn't done yet. Not because I can't go buy new clothes. Not because I loved those clothes SO much. But because I know that lady. I know she's there...all of the time. She takes care of me when I don't even know how to take care of myself. SHE is in here. I call her my higher self. She is me, AS INTENDED. I speak with her often. She writes to me in these blogs on occasion. She is far wiser than I could ever be. She shines the light in the darkness and has shown me the way more times than I can count over the course of my lifetime. I love her. I listen to her. And for her, I am so VERY, VERY grateful.
I AM RECOVERING from food addiction today. I am bound by and enslaved to nothing. I am FREE and I am WHOLE. And that AMAZING Lady has my back :-)~
I love you, Stephi.
I love you too!
Friday, June 07, 2013
So in a little less than an hour, it shall once again be Hippie Hour at The Soap Box. (I freakin' love Fridays....lolol ;-)~ Today, I will be raising my glass to a few different developments...the best of which is another week running my own business, sparking my very own local REVOLTution and living this life on my own terms! But there were also a few other BIG events this week. And I'm so very grateful for the wisdom and the grace that got me to FRIDAY :-).
Today, I raise my glass to a wonderful friend, who left the Earth this week, but certainly LEFT it a much better place for having been here :-). Love you, Michael!
Cheers, cheers, cheers to falling in love with 262!
SALUT to overcoming the flood in my store this week. The rain was A TRIP, but it's gone now, and my little shop is no worse for the wear....lolol.
All humility and gratitude given for the opportunity that presented itself to go 'wake up' in the Amazon, and the new friend who came with that opportunity.
Here's to the ongoing healing of my relationship with Ray. He and I are in a beautiful place together right now, and I couldn't be more grateful.
Lastly, I raise my glass to the absence of judgment, attachment and expectation today. Acceptance and surrender show up when those three jokers aren't around and THEY are my best friends, indeed!
Cheers, Y'all! L'Chaim!!
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