Thursday, June 06, 2013
Today I stand in awe of the creativity of thought. And I am humbled by the Supreme Love that gives each of us EXACTLY what we need...EXACTLY when we need it.
I have had an interest for slightly more than a year in participating in a particular activity. Other than knowing I have to leave the country to do it, I had no idea WHERE or HOW I would ultimately accomplish this quest. I have shared with NO ONE the exact nature of this interest...NO ONE. I have simply thought about it from time to time and wondered how and if I would ever be able to have this experience.
On Tuesday, I was invited by a person, who was strictly an acquaintance prior to this singular conversation, to do the EXACT thing I have been thinking on for more than twelve months. Out of the blue, I was invited to leave the country and attend an extremely personal event with this person...this new FRIEND I have :-)...and her mate.
Today, I know how and when and where I shall accomplish my goal. This blows my mind :-).
Our thoughts are so powerful. That to which we devote our time and energy, even and ESPECIALLY our PSYCHOLOGICAL time and energy, determines our experience and the type of world in which we ultimately spend our minutes, days, weeks, months and years.
I learn this every day in recovery...and in the art of being. But it still shocks the he!! out of me when it happens....lololol.
I'll say it here, today and make it real. I'm going to Peru next year....at least that's where the plane is going to land ;-)~~~~
Wednesday, June 05, 2013
NOTHING in this world upon which I can place my hand is real. The fact that I can touch any given person, place or thing, means it is temporal, it is destructible, and ultimately, it is fake. It is the things I CANNOT see, the things I CANNOT touch that are REAL to me. My connections, my interactions, my experiences in every present moment are INVISIBLE and ETERNAL. They are what cannot be lost, stolen or destroyed. Death has no grip over them :-). That makes them the only things that ACTUALLY exist and REALLY matter to me. For that awareness, I am so very, very grateful.
Life is short. Love is eternal :-).
Today I am grateful for knowing what's REAL in my life and in my world.
Tuesday, June 04, 2013
Ahhhh...262...where I seem to making a rather dramatic pit stop. Today was the third time I have seen that number on the scale. This means for two whole weeks, I have lost no weight...not an ounce. And it's okay :-). I'll share why.
I have lost the same 23 pounds over and over for the last 3 years. I have gone from 285 at my highest to 262 at my lowest about 20 times, conservatively guessing. I haven't gotten under 262 ONE, single time in all of those fruitless attempts to diet. I knew all along that a diet is not what I needed. I knew I needed a recovery program, but I had no idea where to go. So I would convince myself that at least if I dieted, I might get lucky. But the minute I hit 262 on the scale, my mind would go a little crazy...actually A LOT crazy...and I would begin eating compulsively again. Within a week's time, I would be at, or over 270 again, and then, it was a free-for-all back to 285. Then the whole sordid mess would start all over in a month or two. I never stopped to figure out why; it was just what I did...over and over...for three, long years.
So as a**-backward as it may sound, STAYING at 262 for THREE weigh-ins in a row is actually kind of awesome. Going crazy has not been on the agenda for a split, single second. That's kind of a miracle to me :-). I am here..not losing, but most importantly to me...NOT GAINING. I am content with how I feel and what I weigh IN THIS MOMENT, because this has not happened to me for a long, damn time :-). As I write this right this second, I realize what a blessing it is to be able to stay at 262 for a bit. I LOVE 262 :-). Staying there means that for today, I am free from the struggle and the insanity that had a firm grip on me for a very long time :-). This is such a GIFT!
And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this realistic attitude and genuine acceptance towards my beloved 262, means she and I are about to part ways :-). I KNOW I will leave her by my next weigh in....lolol. That was just revealed to me as I typed this blog. 262 and I are going to have an amicable break-up this week...you watch :-). If what you resist, persists, to quote Carl Jung, then what I embrace, shall depart.
Bye-bye 262...for good this time :-).
Monday, June 03, 2013
I'm just so very grateful to be here in the SPARKiverse with all of you AMAZING women. I am overwhelmed by the support, encouragement and love I find here. It is TRULY saving my life!
Sunday, June 02, 2013
I've had an amazing week. So many incredible happenings :-). Recovery for me means two very important things. One, I am PRESENT for my life. Two, my vision has been sharpened. I am reminded of a bible verse from my youth. 'For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known'. As a kid, I never really understood the verbiage here, but this verse has rung in my head several times over the past few days. FOOD covered everything up. It covered up my ability to experience. It covered up my identity. It made the past go away and it numbed the anxiety about an uncontrollable future.
But in all of that distortion and haze, hiding behind all of that food, I was counted as absent for my life and I lost my true self.
This week the window through which I viewed my life and my self was washed clean. I have known for a very long time who I am and why I am here, intellectually. But this week, I have EXPERIENCED the power and the purpose of my existence here. I don't ever want that window to get dirty again.
I have to recover, one day at a time, one meal at a time. I have to be here in the Sparkisphere with all of you amazing women...because it makes the Milky Way far more bearable and much less confusing :-).
Get An Email Alert Each Time STEFIGURL Posts