Wednesday, June 05, 2013
NOTHING in this world upon which I can place my hand is real. The fact that I can touch any given person, place or thing, means it is temporal, it is destructible, and ultimately, it is fake. It is the things I CANNOT see, the things I CANNOT touch that are REAL to me. My connections, my interactions, my experiences in every present moment are INVISIBLE and ETERNAL. They are what cannot be lost, stolen or destroyed. Death has no grip over them :-). That makes them the only things that ACTUALLY exist and REALLY matter to me. For that awareness, I am so very, very grateful.
Life is short. Love is eternal :-).
Today I am grateful for knowing what's REAL in my life and in my world.
Tuesday, June 04, 2013
Ahhhh...262...where I seem to making a rather dramatic pit stop. Today was the third time I have seen that number on the scale. This means for two whole weeks, I have lost no weight...not an ounce. And it's okay :-). I'll share why.
I have lost the same 23 pounds over and over for the last 3 years. I have gone from 285 at my highest to 262 at my lowest about 20 times, conservatively guessing. I haven't gotten under 262 ONE, single time in all of those fruitless attempts to diet. I knew all along that a diet is not what I needed. I knew I needed a recovery program, but I had no idea where to go. So I would convince myself that at least if I dieted, I might get lucky. But the minute I hit 262 on the scale, my mind would go a little crazy...actually A LOT crazy...and I would begin eating compulsively again. Within a week's time, I would be at, or over 270 again, and then, it was a free-for-all back to 285. Then the whole sordid mess would start all over in a month or two. I never stopped to figure out why; it was just what I did...over and over...for three, long years.
So as a**-backward as it may sound, STAYING at 262 for THREE weigh-ins in a row is actually kind of awesome. Going crazy has not been on the agenda for a split, single second. That's kind of a miracle to me :-). I am here..not losing, but most importantly to me...NOT GAINING. I am content with how I feel and what I weigh IN THIS MOMENT, because this has not happened to me for a long, damn time :-). As I write this right this second, I realize what a blessing it is to be able to stay at 262 for a bit. I LOVE 262 :-). Staying there means that for today, I am free from the struggle and the insanity that had a firm grip on me for a very long time :-). This is such a GIFT!
And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this realistic attitude and genuine acceptance towards my beloved 262, means she and I are about to part ways :-). I KNOW I will leave her by my next weigh in....lolol. That was just revealed to me as I typed this blog. 262 and I are going to have an amicable break-up this week...you watch :-). If what you resist, persists, to quote Carl Jung, then what I embrace, shall depart.
Bye-bye 262...for good this time :-).
Monday, June 03, 2013
I'm just so very grateful to be here in the SPARKiverse with all of you AMAZING women. I am overwhelmed by the support, encouragement and love I find here. It is TRULY saving my life!
Sunday, June 02, 2013
I've had an amazing week. So many incredible happenings :-). Recovery for me means two very important things. One, I am PRESENT for my life. Two, my vision has been sharpened. I am reminded of a bible verse from my youth. 'For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known'. As a kid, I never really understood the verbiage here, but this verse has rung in my head several times over the past few days. FOOD covered everything up. It covered up my ability to experience. It covered up my identity. It made the past go away and it numbed the anxiety about an uncontrollable future.
But in all of that distortion and haze, hiding behind all of that food, I was counted as absent for my life and I lost my true self.
This week the window through which I viewed my life and my self was washed clean. I have known for a very long time who I am and why I am here, intellectually. But this week, I have EXPERIENCED the power and the purpose of my existence here. I don't ever want that window to get dirty again.
I have to recover, one day at a time, one meal at a time. I have to be here in the Sparkisphere with all of you amazing women...because it makes the Milky Way far more bearable and much less confusing :-).
Saturday, June 01, 2013
I got my new star last night. That means twenty pounds gone!! I love it...it's big, it's orange (in honor of the Heat Miser's recent presence in my life...lolol...why not?) and it was HARD WON this month.
I had a stellar start here on SP. I'd lost 19 pounds in three weeks and then my body said...you know what?...not so fast, Girly! I had ONE day where I didn't pay attention to calorie counts. I drank more adult beverages than someone trying to lose weight should or would. And when I got back on the scale two days later, I had gained five whole pounds. And they did not fly back off after my next week of strict program work. No...this time I was going to have to EARN them the HARD way. So I did. I acquiesced to the inherent wisdom and comfort of my physical form and I thought...'this is YOUR decision, body that I have mistreated, abused and taken for granted for a very long time. I'll trust that you'll give up what you want to, when you want to'. And I worked my program, despite the failure to see a pay off on the scale. I counted up and was grateful for all of my NSV's...like mother's milk they were to me :-). And I just kept doing this one day at a time until now, seven weeks in, I have officially, really, and for the last time lost those twenty pounds.
I look better. I feel better. I AM better. And I have a brand new, big, bright, orange star...just like the ones your teacher used to put on your papers when you got an 'A'...to let me know what a great job I've done :-).
Yeah...great job, Stephi..... :-)
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