Saturday, May 25, 2013
Something happened to me yesterday. I remembered who I was before I became who I am.
I remembered the girl who traveled all over the world by herself because she wanted to and because she could. I remembered the girl who danced...all the time...fat, skinny, by herself, with strangers, at home, with women, with men, in a club and didn't give a fu** what anyone thought. I remebered the girl who discovered that a sexy body is ALWAYS trumped by a confident woman, the woman I was for a couple of years when I did WHAT I wanted with WHOMEVER I wanted, whether I met them at a bar or in church. I remembered the girl who let a drag queen dye her platinum hair pink, and ROCKED that look before P!nk even had the thought in her head. It was challenging showing up for shift at the hospital and explaining to the nurse manager what I'd done. But I WAS THE GIRL who got AWAY with it!!! "You know Stephanie...that nurse in the ER with the pink hair...".
Yeah...THAT GIRL! I remembered her yesterday. And then I realized she's still in there, RIGHT HERE...husband, house, business be DAMNED....lolol. I missed her. That's where all of this weight came from. I have to be her before I can be ANY of those other women...wife...business owner...doggie mama. I have to be the REAL me...or I die inside. And that funeral takes the form of me slowly eating myself to death.
So I went home, I poured a glass of wine, cracked open the developer and turned myself into the Heat Miser......lolololololol. And I AM workin' it, Ladies. A veritable FIRE on my head...blonde rooots, burnt umber ends, pointed toward the sky, whispering in the cracle of the flame "Hey...remember me?...I'm baaaaaaack!" ;-)~~~~~~~~~~~
Yeah...in the immortal words of the incredible Elton John....the bit** is BACK!
Thanks SP! I'm finding myself all over again because of you! I missed me!
Friday, May 24, 2013
To all my BRICK HOUSES out there...REGARDLESS of what we weigh...I say this
If you are young enough to remember how freakin' fabulous the late 70's and early 80's music was...you are LUCKY! This was some of the best music we'll ever hear for as long as we live. It is LIFE AFFIRMING! It is POSITIVE! It makes you SMILE and it makes you MOVE! And we're all PYT's when we're feelin' and doin' that!!!!
Just think for a serious minute about the inherent wisdom in the following titles...
We Are Family by Sister Sledge
Ain't No Stoppin' Us Now by McFadden and Whitehead
Got To Be Real by Cheryl Lynn
Ain't No Mountain High Enough by Marvin and Tammy
You Should Be Dancin' by my personal faves, the Brothers Gibb
If that doesn't remind you of what we do here on SP, I don't know what will :-).
With that said, ultimately, music is the UNIVERSAL language because of how it makes us FEEL. The words are really just a bonus. It's the BEAT we as human beings, regardless of size, creed, color, language and economics, respond to! Talk about finding our connection!
So I challenge you...no matter what's happening in your world today...put on your Pandora, type in Donna Summer and let your freak flag fly!!! You'll be smiling, dancing and singing in no time. And everything else will fade away for a while...that's NIRVANA!
Oh...and btw....I'm shakin' it.....AND breakin' it! ;-)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday, May 23, 2013
I am so very grateful for SparkPeople. I am even more grateful for the incredibly generous, wise and dedicated group of women with whom I share this journey! Today I am especially grateful for one of them in particular. She and I have become friends on and off line, and I value her presence in my life more than words can say!
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
A fellow SP friend posted a blog yesterday which has kind of had me in a bit of a tailspin since reading it this morning. Through her graceful and poignant words, I was reminded of the fact that I have a chosen family. I don't think about it often...the fact that they are chosen as opposed to related. They are my family...MY FAMILY...regardless of how they were acquired. I give very little time or attention to the 'how and why' behind their presence in my life.
But to be totally honest, long story short, I was thrown away, dismissed, excommunicated...select the verb of your choosing...by my biological family at age 19. For the following 18 years, I lived a life I could NEVER have imagined living in a million millenia. It was a life chosen and lived because of, and in spite of, the experiences of my childhood. And along the way, I met my chosen family. Jason. Danny. Barry and Bailey. Tim and David.
The blog I read today flooded me with the memories and the experiences of those meetings :-). But I was forced to reflect a tiny bit on the 'why and how' as well :-(.
I don't know everything, but what I am absolutely certain of as I sit and write this blog, is the following. When I was lost, those men FOUND me. When I felt unworthy, they SHOWED me my worth. When I was unloved, they LOVED me...and they loved me WELL enough that I eventually wound up loving myself. They befriended me, they mentored me, they even at times parented me when it was necessary. I learned to accept and love myself because of those men... all because of those GAY men.
I struggled with writing this blog today. I have no desire to incite ire or provoke anyone. But we malign these people in our society far too much for my comfort. They are PEOPLE. They are MY PEOPLE. And I wouldn't be here today were it not for them scooping me up from a dark and ugly gutter...one my heterosexual birth parents dumped me in...and saving me.
I do not dwell on my history with my birth family. In fact, my mother and my father are both a part of my life TODAY, and for that I am grateful :-). I love them and I accept them for exactly who and what they are. But those men...those BEAUTIFUL, LOVING, HOMOSEXUAL men...are and shall always be my TRUE FAMILY.
For twenty five years of life and unconditional love...I am grateful...and I love you, Boys!!!
Let's be a little kinder to one another out there in the world. You never know what someone has been through...
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
So today, after six weeks here on SP with you AMAZING people, I officially reached the 20 pound loss mark :-). I actually had to fold the waistband of my scrub pants over to day so that I wouldn't trip over the pant legs:-). That certainly garnered a smile!
But the other thing I was able to do means more than words could ever describe. I was able to put my wedding band back on last night. I wore a size six ring when we were married. I have not had this ring on my hand for years. Now it's tight, but IT IS ON!! I have tears in my eyes right now just typing this.
As some of you know, things have been hard for Ray and me, since my beginning recovery again. Brutally honest conversations litter my week nights and the weekends are spent in an awkward and uncomfortable silence at times. However, I no longer scream and yell; he no longer deafens me with his silence. So despite the difficulty, we are moving in a forward direction...a very necessary direction. Being able to place the symbol of our love and commitment to one another back on my hand is a priceless NSV. And I saw his face this morning as he left for work, during my requisite silent tear shower, that it meant something to him too. There was a glimmer in his eye I have not seen for weeks. I miss that glimmer and I'm sure he does as well.
Thank you SP.
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