Wednesday, April 10, 2013
I have to do this. I have to do this now. I'm so grateful and fortunate that my life isn't at stake or I haven't been diagnosed with some dread disease. But I am one day, one week, one month away from that. I have been the recipient of an extremely lucky run at yo-yo dieting. My weight has been up and down my ENTIRE life...115-347, back and forth over and over like the ball at the end of the ping pong paddle with the rubber band attached. Yet here I am again! A 100-plus pound weight loss staring me down like a ferocious beast!!! How the hell did this happen again? I DID this already. I lost 160 pounds and I managed to put 100 of it back on again! What is wrong with me?!?! What is it inside of me that is only sated with self-destruction??? Why can't I keep my mouth shut and my eyes open instead of walking around doing the complete opposite??? You have the tools, Stephi and you know why you do this. The problem isn't that you don't know. The problem is you refuse to accept and surrender to the fact that food is your cocaine, alcohol and heroin rolled into one. You know EXACTLY what this is, how you got here and why the beast is back. You simply have to stop giving it ROOM TO MOVE around in your world. You have to see it for EXACTLY what it is, in each and every present moment. You know overeating is your unwillingness to live presently. DENIAL AIN'T JUST A RIVER IN EGYPT, girl! Get it together, or you're GOING to get a dread disease! YOU WILL lose the ability to move freely like you-know-who. Stephi, you CAN do this because YOU HAVE TO DO THIS! You don't have a choice, honey. Please, for the sake of all you love, for the sake of all you want to do in this world, ACCEPT AND SURRENDER to the reality of what you're really doing with food when you overeat. There are so many other things you can do instead of abuse your beautiful self. Walk Smokey, make love to Ray, pick up a phone and tell someone who loves you that you're struggling. You don't have to white-knuckle this. YOU CHOOSE to do that because you're so freaking stubborn and independent. But that's only going to get you to an early grave or WORSE! You know there are worse things than dying, Mama. You could be stuck in that 350 pound body again!!! Don't let it get there. You are 20 POUNDS AWAY from 300!!!! Don't do it! Don't get one ounce closer, Stephi. Stay in this moment. And then stay in the next one, and then the next one after that. Track your food. Walk instead of eat. Take that beautiful dog who loves you so much around the block and see the world as it is. The world in your head is not the real world, Stephanie. Get out of the chair, get out of your head and go feel the sun on your face, breath the air and smile at your neighbors. THERE is what's real, Sweetheart. Let me help you. Don't suffocate me with food. Don't drown out my calls by stuffing your face full of crap you don't even want. I love you and I'm trying to save you...until you can save yourself. Just be here now...do you feel how much better that is? That peace washing over you is this miraculous experience saying, 'it's okay. you're okay. you can and shall do this.' Let it happen. let it go. it's okay. i'll talk to you later. i love you.