Monday, March 03, 2014
I just read my last post and had to laugh to myself...lololol. Funny the difference a month can make.
I had to come back because I didn't simply want to disappear. I have been witness to the difficulty that disappearing can cause for some folks and I would hate to have people feel abandoned or left wondering.
While I am still convinced this is the life I am supposed to be living...every scenario...each circumstance...my life seems to have gotten away from me of late.
I feel like I am living someone else's life...or at best, a life I did not choose. 'That is IMPOSSIBLE', I tell myself. Every single one of us chooses our lives, our circumstances...even and especially when we FAIL to make choices. And I am certainly aware that I am no different from anyone else on this planet. We ALL wind up where we decide to wind up. But right now, it just doesn't FEEL that way.
Fortunately, I am aware that FEELINGS are not facts, and that they come and go with the wind and seasons. So I acknowledge that, and I accept responsibility for where I am today. But MAN, it sure does feel like my life has flown away from me... No other way to say it...
Unfortunately, SPARK is the last thing I can afford to lend my ever dwindling amount of energy and attention to. Most days I am swept up in a haze of work and familial responsibilities which are overwhelming, disappointing and in a few cases, just so painful.
Please accept my absence as a failure on my part...this is and never shall be any reflection on a single one of you.
One bright spot is that I WILL be in TN April 4-7 if it KILLS me to get there. I hope to see those of you who can make it. Dawn and I shall be there with bells on and I will so desperately need the break.
I love you all and I miss you all. But this is all I can do for right now!
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Today I had a moment of epiphany during what has become my work-day morning ritual. I was blindsided by the idea that THIS is the life I have been waiting for.
weighing 252 pounds...
a job I don't love, but I don't hate...
the financial uncertainties that surround my husband and myself right now...
the life or death health concerns those close to us are facing...
my POS car...lolol... (that still makes me laugh)
this perfectly, imperfect life...
It's the one I WANT merely because it's the one I HAVE. TODAY is the very last day which will exist as it is RIGHT NOW. EVERYTHING will change...is changing...even as I type...lololol. That makes this singular moment so incredibly special and important...so very necessary. IT IS INDEED WHERE MY LIFE HAPPENS, this NOW. It is my thought process which turns this heaven into a hell that says THIS...this NOW...isn't good enough...isn't what I want...isn't where I belong...is where I must escape from.
My husbands face will never look again exactly as it did this morning when I kissed him goodbye at the car.
My mother-in-law's health is only declining with each passing day. She is, TODAY, a woman she will never be again after this moment passes each of us by.
My dog's breath will never creep into the cool morning air in quite the same shape it did this morning.
And in realizing all of that, I realized I am SO VERY GRATEFUL for weighing 252 pounds. Because I used to be 282. I even was once 347. And 182 holds no promise of redemption or success or inherent displacement from the very place in which I reside RIGHT NOW. For RIGHT NOW is all I have...all that exists in the reality of my experience here. Everything else is imaginary...a figment of memory... a projection into a perceived future. It does not exist...except in the nooks and crannies of my mind when I allow myself to revisit the past or jump ahead into fantasy. TODAY I am so very fortunate to have a 'condition' which has sent me running and flying and sprinting toward SPARK and all of you LOVELY people. :-)
TODAY, I am grateful to be exactly who and what I am in this moment... a member of this connected human family, a member of this amazing community on Spark...and SO VERY LUCKY to just be HERE.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
So I am convinced that I have returned to 'weight loss mode'. The last two weeks of NF-NS and the clarity that has returned with abstinence from compulsive eating have brought me back to the place I was when first I began this journey. It feels good...because it is good. Recovery for me is imperative to my health and well being on EVERY front...physically, mentally and spiritually. I have no doubt that the darkness which creeps over me around the holidays and my birthday is partly due to the fact that I tend to let myself lose my abstinence, thanks to the overwhelming amount of food which accompanies that time of year.
Having said that, for those of you who know me through this journey, this is a spiritual practice for me as much as it is a recovery process. I personally cannot separate the two in any way, shape or form. And once again, as my physical body is shrinking, so is ego, or my 'perceived' self. I am discovering more and more every day how FALSE the sense of self is in relation to this experience called life. The psychological, perceived self is actually the only self which participates in addiction at all...lolol. My Intended or Divine or Infinite self, call it what you like, has no need for addiction...lolol. And the more time I spend being...present...being Her...the less time I spend concerned with food and all other compulsions. For ego is certainly a compulsive entity. There are so many compulsions which comprise the false me, the most destructive of which is compulsive thought. And in presence, again, such a behavior does not exist. The overactive mind is deafeningly silenced by the here and now, whenever I am engaged in it. Which is more and more frequently while on this road of recovery :-).
I thank EACH of you who walks this road with me and makes this ever-present NOW so very perfect :-).
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Okay...time to come out of the closet...
I have been flour and sugar free for almost a full week. Not Atkins...not carb free...just no flour and no sugar for five and a half days.
This is a big deal for me for one reason. I have resisted this for over 20 years...lolol. And the weird part is, with a little ingenuity...it's easier than I ever imagined it could be!
My first introduction to NF-NS was in my early twenties at my first Overeaters Anonymous meeting. Back then in OA, there was a recommended food plan, and it was HORRIBLE! I was being told not only to give up so many of my favorite foods, i.e., carbs...I was being told to eat things I ABSOLUTELY hated. I ran for the hills after the first week of eating cottage cheese every day...I HATED cottage cheese...lolol. Years later, when I returned to OA, the recommended gray sheet had gone the way of the dinosaur, but I still equated NF-NS with the third circle of hell.
However...I turned 46 last week...not old, not young...but definitely changing physically all of a sudden. And this is where my medical training comes in handy. Flour and sugar are INFLAMMATORY. Heart disease, arthritis, hypertension, atherosclerosis...all begin with inflammatory processes...which all begin with our FOOD! I decided that based on the recent changes I've experienced physically, I was going to attempt to reduce the amount of inflammation in my body. That meant revisiting the NF-NS idea. And I couldn't be happier that I did. So much so, I thought I'd share my experience for anyone else interested in how to improve EVERYTHING in your body AND drop pounds like never before. This is what has happened in 5 full days of NF-NS...
I eat well...and I eat LOTS. Carbs, it turns out, are really nothing more than a bunch of empty calories.
I am full longer, so for the first time in nine months on Spark...I am actually eating UNDER my calorie range WITHOUT hunger of any kind! And I mean 200-300 calories less than I had been eating until now...INSANE!
My normal morning aches and pains are GONE. I get up from the chair at night way easier than before. Sad to say, I had been slow to rise, but it is what it is...lolol.
I am SHRINKING by the day...I lost three pounds from Monday to Wednesday this week and when I get back to work on Monday, I won't be surprised at all to have lost another 3-4 pounds.
My sweets craving have disappeared...PERIOD!
IT'S CHEAPER...lolol...carbs are packaged..and that means more expensive than just whole, healthy food.
It's made me more creative in the kitchen. It's a bit of an adventure and I find myself excited by the challenges of eating and cooking new stuff. Honestly, the food is just richer and better tasting when you leave in the fat and get rid of the carbs. The other night I dressed a salad with just a mashed, ripe avocado and some spices...crazy good!
My Darling Sister Dawn has joined me on the NF-NS goal. Change is always so much easier with a friend :-) My intention is to do this all the way until April, for the gathering. ~~~~~~~Cause I'm a be HOT, HOT, HOT in Tennessee!!
So now I'm OUT...lolol...and much more accountable for my choices. Feel free to check my food tracker to make sure I'm keepin' it real...lolol...or just for some great ideas about how to go flour and sugar free!! :-)
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