Sunday, October 24, 2010
I have so many things going on in my head right now. I don't know where to begin. This weekend was great. My husband and I went out to dinner today to celebrate our anniversary and we picked out a new mirror for our bathroom. I got started on the bathroom floor and so far it's looking pretty spiffy, if I say so myself! And I'm really excited because my daughter is coming home next weekend for three days, too. It will be the first time since leaving for Ohio University that she's been back home. She said she wanted mashed potatoes. I asked her what she wanted with them and she said she didn't care, she just wanted those. Apparently campus food isn't all it's cracked up to be, especially when you work in the dining hall and you see how the food is prepared!
Halloween has me fighting back the tears, though. Next weekend would have been when my brother Steve would have transformed his big garage into his annual Halloween Haunted House Bash for the neighborhood kids. He always put his whole heart into the occasion and it rivaled any other haunted house in town. He never charged money for the event either. Everything came out of his pocket, the decorations, the monsters, the extraordinary food, just so the local kids would have a place to go that evening instead of out-and-about causing trouble. He had such a soft heart for them. The kids absolutely adored him. I don't know who had the most fun...Steve getting it ready or the kids who came. And Steve was actually a big kid at heart. Christmas was the same way for him. Each year he would pick a family in need and buy them Christmas. The tree, the dinner, the presents, the works. It hurts so badly that there is a family out there who will not experience the love and extraordinary giving of my brother this year. My heart is in misery because HIS heart gave out on him January 2nd of this year. One minute he was gathering the brush to burn and fifteen minutes later he was gone. Oh, how I miss him! The whole community misses him! There has actually been a couple of times over the past few days I've had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom and cry. It all just seems so surreal, like a really bad movie that leaves you scratching your head in disbelief and sorrow.
I ran into my sister-in-law Rita, Steve's wife of 35 years, at Walmart the other day. I saw her sitting at the pharmacy. When I approached her, her face lit up and she stood with arms outstretched ready to give me a hug. She's been battling walking pneumonia. She is not the same woman. The twinkle is gone from her eyes and has been replaced with such deep sorrow. I don't think I've prayed as hard for anything that night...I asked God to give her some sort of comfort, some kind of understanding as to why things happen the way they do. Then I asked the same thing for myself because I don't understand either.
As I looked at Brian's face over dinner today, I wanted to reach across the table and stroke his cheek. It was all I could do to wait until we were in the car when I could lay my head on his chest, listening to the thumping of his heart, and wrap my arm around him on the way home. He quietly asked me what was wrong and I couldn't speak, just hold him tighter. Sensing that I couldn't talk, he firmly held me and said, "It's alright. I know you love me. I love you, too." I think he knows where my mind has been as of late.
I am blessed to have the love of my life today. I am SO blessed. But my heart is breaking for the ones who have lost theirs.
Please tell your husband or wife how much you love them today. And hold them close. Hold them really really close, okay?
Friday, October 22, 2010
I THINK I am doing okay. Well, except for the occasional slip-up here and there of a bite of ice cream, I'm eating pretty well and hiking. But, dang, it's getting cold and forcing myself out the door on mornings like this just sucks. And I don't mean it bites, I mean it REALLY SUCKS. I've grown accustomed to those dirt poundings during the spring and summer but I can't do the 30-degree grindage. I'm not sure if it's just my general dislike of cold weather or the fact that Lupus makes my joints very aware of the temperatures around me, but I'm telling you, I JUST DON'T LIKE IT. My frozen joints burn to the point of pain and I'm the type of person if it hurts the WRONG way I won't do it. So, I have to find something that's indoors, in the warmth, that's equivalent to the "good" burn of the hike and get rocking with it.
Treadmill, you say?? Aw, that son-of-a-gun and I have an understanding. The Dread-Mill has tasted the feel of my wrath and he's bitten off a piece of my butt on several occasions. Nooo, don't call me a wimp because it's not like that. I've used him while watching t.v., used him while staring out my patio doors, pretended that he was the outside turf while I inclined him but he's not as good as the real thing. It appears that I am going to have to cut back on my calorie intake in order to not gain while I am using him this winter because he just doesn't give me the push or the drive that I've become accustomed to on my rolling outside terrain.
Ab Lounger, check. Zumba video, check. Stationary bike, check. Sigh. And my occasional bite of ice cream is going to have to bite the dust because I just can't afford it right now. Bring with that the impending Thanksgiving dinner and the Christmas goodies and I can't help but feel a little depressed with the approaching struggles that are sure to ensue. Warrior spirit, check?
Wait a minute...I know I put it somewhere.
I've asked Brian to give me the exercise regimen that they used in the Marine Corps and after about 40 "Hello Dollies" I was crawling towards his feet begging for mercy. Perhaps THAT is the ticket. I will use my Old Man to give me the edge that I feel I desperately need right now. I can do without his "C'MON PRIVATE, gimme ten more!" because I think he's lovin' the power play but if it keeps the muffin tops and banana rolls at bay, I'll tell Dolly hello every day of the week and twice on Sunday. Along with the Cherry Pickers, I'm probably biting off a piece of butt more than I can chew. The In-Place Double Time made me have thoughts of throwing Brian in the wood chipper so he and I will not go there again....but all-in-all, I think my husband may be the key to a possible replacement until Springtime sets in again.
Hi, Dolly, it's nice to meet you, girl. At least for now, anyways.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
I was joking with Betsy last Thursday evening on the phone that by mid-week of my husband's vacation, my update statuses were going to get pretty hairy. Oh, don't get me wrong, I love having him home! But he is kind of "spazzy" and he's not able to sit still for any amount of time. He is like a blur, running to and fro, mind racing with projects to do around the house. So, it came as no surprise when we were not able to go anywhere for a substantial amount of time that he found this week perfect for bathroom renovations. I was ecstatic...the first few days.
But yesterday I was ready to make good on some of those "hairy" statuses. A few of them ran through my mind at blinding speed. Like, STEELKICKIN IS...
...going off the deep-end.
...taking out her Old Man, Dexter-style.
...ripping my head off.
...ripping my Old Man's head off.
...checking myself into an insane asylum.
...redoing laundry because Old Man's Brother threw old dirty shutters onto STEELKICKIN'S clean laundry on the couch and now he must die.
I was tired, sore and haggard. He was becoming increasingly impatient and agitated by how the wall wasn't lining up "just so." The romantic images of him and I holding hands in the middle of our newly remodeled bathroom, gazing longingly into one another's eyes, was quickly being replaced with duct tape across my mouth (his fantasy) and him being strung by his wedgie from the light fixture (my fantasy). I left for awhile to clean my sister's house and came back home to find devastation galore and him telling me to take his mess out to the curb before I cook dinner. STEELKICKIN IS...
...telling Old Man where to shove his mess.
...taking sledgehammer to new bathtub and current stove.
...getting lost just like her Old Man told her to do, in a land far, far away. Or Walmart.
...getting high on wood glue.
...filling Brian's underwear with a can of "Gap and Crack."
...watching "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" for ideas.
I'm glad I didn't decide on one of those, though. Although our tempers were running pretty hot, I bit my tongue and decided to see the bright side. I decided to thank God that he is still here to get on my nerves. Many of you know I almost lost him a few years back to a massive heart attack. So, I refocused my feelings of anger onto feeling thankful that yesterday I was not alone. If he had passed away, I wouldn't HAVE a bathroom to remodel. I wouldn't have this HOUSE or THIS LAND that I love so much. And I also had to remember that he was doing this for ME. He told me he doesn't need frills, fancy toilets, pretty tubs and cool floor designs to be happy. But he knows it's what I like. So, he was doing all of this for ME. When he COULD, rightfully so, use his vacation to go do something HE wanted to do. But he DIDN'T. Why was I getting so mad at him when he was doing everything he could to make me happy?
So STEELKICKIN IS...
...so happy she has someone around who loves her so very much.
...ecstatic that Old Man is here to slap her keister when a milestone is reached.
...was taken to Olive Garden today and had her hand held by the greatest man in the world.
...is humbled and honored that he chose me to share his life with.
...making memories with my soul mate.
...not looking forward to next Monday when Old Man goes back to work.
Stressful? Yes. Worth it? Yes. Especially when I see his proud smile and puffed out chest when I hug him and tell him how great of job he has done. I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Friday, October 08, 2010
A few months ago I let myself "go." I allowed the events of my daughter going off to college "sabotage" my exercise and eating plans until my arms and legs felt like rubber and I had no stamina. Even my best attempts to get out there on the hiking trail were met with a self-defeating attitude. Basically, I felt like rat crap on a good day. I gained ten pounds. I hated exercise, I told the candy bars on the grocer's shelf, "Come to Mama, baby" and I used every excuse in the book not to do what I knew was right for me.
But now, I've found my groove again. I've been hitting the trail for the last two and half weeks and I'm finally strong again. My legs have gained back their muscle tone, my abdomen doesn't hurt when I get on the Total Gym and my arms don't ache. My skin has cleared up, my face has color again and I'm finding that I'm doing more than what I expect of myself. After my hike yesterday morning, that afternoon I walked an additional three miles with my camera, taking pictures of the countryside around me. It was then I realized that I am at my happiest when I'm in shape. Sure, having a quick soda and candy bar feels great at the time, but by nature, I cannot allow myself JUST ONE. I find that it is all it takes to put me into a downward spiral.
So, I'm back at it. I've even instituted a few additional exercises into my regimen that I didn't do before. I find myself WANTING to get out to get the burn. And I've even done some Zumba. That fits right up my alley because I really love to dance and get "jiggy" with it. Brian likes it when I do Zumba, too, because it gives him some much needed comic relief after a long day at work.
So, I'm never allowing myself to go off the edge again. It's just not worth it and it's a long haul to get back to where I need to be!
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