Wednesday, October 06, 2010
I've been having alot of headaches lately and I've blamed them on everything from the changing weather, to my cat, to my sister's dogs, to my allergies and Brian. But I think I actually need a new eye exam. It's been six years since my last one and I've realized when I read I have to hold the book, paper, magazine at arm's length OR take out my contact lenses and keep the words one inch from my nose. So, I told my old man last night, "I need to get my eyes checked and I'm getting glasses instead of contacts."
You would have thought I told him I had just seen the devil standing next to him.
"WHAT?!! YOU CAN'T GET GLASSES!"
"I'm getting glasses. They're easier to put on and I'm tired of sticking those things into my eyeballs."
"As bad as your eyes are, they'll resemble Coke bottle bottoms and you're eyes will be SO BIG in them."
"You like my eyes!"
"NOT FIVE INCHES BIG.... APIECE!!"
I don't care. I'm getting glasses. I've had so much trouble with hard contacts through the years. I can't wear soft ones because I have a certain type of astigmatism that doesn't support soft lenses. So, I've had hard ones that tend to slip off the eye and get suctioned onto the white part. I have this teeney tiny "plunger" looking thing that I have to stab on them when they do that and pry the lens off. I'm usually left with a little round red circle on the white part of my eye that looks really peculiar. For days.
And then there are the many journeys that one of them has usually taken up my nose. See, when I remove them, I cup my hand under my eye, pull back on the skin of my eye with the other one and the lens will pop out in my palm. But apparently, if you don't pull your hand away fast enough, and you take a deep breath, it will get pulled up into your nosehole. I can't tell you how many times I've had to take the tweezers to Brian so he can fish it out. I can't breath during that time either or I'll swallow it. Which I have. Do you realize how embarrassing it is to go to your eye doctor and tell him you ate your lens? TWICE???
I almost lost one one time riding the motorcycle. I had to pull over to the side of the road, with Brian huffing behind me on his bike and tell him that I lost a lens in the wind. During my lecture of why I should wear goggles instead of really cool aviator glasses, I looked down and saw it suctioned on the gas tank. Yeah, I would have thought the wind would have blowed it behind me, too, but what a relief! I've lost them in the sink, in the bathtub, in bed...
Side note: Have you ever awakened in the morning to find your Breathe-Right nasal strip stuck to your eyelid?? Or your upper lip? Just thought I'd throw that in there.
So, I want glasses. I want to be able to wake up, slide them on my nose and VOILA! I can see! No putting lenses in the wrong eyes (I have a different prescription for each eye) and wondering why there are three of everything. No accidentally using nail polish remover for my cleaning solution or sneezing and having them fall out in my roast beef. It's all good! It's a win-win situation for me!
Brian will get used to it. "Hoot-Owl" eyes are beautiful. Right?
Sunday, October 03, 2010
Ohhhhhhh, my arms are sore. They feel like they're hanging past my knees. Noo, they're not REALLY but wouldn't that be a sight?? Why are they so sore, you're probably excitedly asking with bated breath?
Well, yesterday I decided to take my daughter's television up to her dorm room because her roommate moved out a few weeks ago and took the t.v. that was in their room with her. So my baby wouldn't miss out on her favorite shows, I made the trip up to her campus and lugged it up three flights of stairs to her room. She would have helped but she "had to carry the water" and hold the cord so I wouldn't trip over it. (Where are the cute young hunks when you need them????) We rearranged her room, got the cable hooked up and decided to go shopping...with her new credit card! No, no, no, I'm not teaching her bad habits this early in her young independent life but my old man and I discussed it. We would get her a card with a very low credit line ($500), allow her to make some purchases so she could pay off the bill to begin getting her credit established. She got some new clothes, a few pairs of shoes and a pretty winter coat. Then she slapped the card back into her purse, exclaimed she wasn't made out of money and made me put a pair of boots back on the shelf. AS IF I would ask her to buy those for me!
I wanted the Steelers to win today. They were until DH opened his mouth and said, "Now, watch Baltimore come back with a touchdown and win." Two minutes later they did. But that's okay. The Browns beat his beloved Bengals in the next five minutes so it was all good. THAT'LL teach him to dis my boys.
The week of the 10th, I will be gone. Aw, C'MON, don't cry! I'll be back! But I just found out today that Brian is going to be off of work for a vacation he did not tell me about. He is taking me on a trip! He said it will better than our HONEYMOON! (This is TRUE because we spent our first honeymoon in a trailer out in the boonies watching reruns of "The Golden Girls.") So, this is going to be special. I don't know why, but I was thinking maybe, JUST MAYYYYBE, he was planning on taking me to a Steelers game but I realized they have a bye-week that week. He will not tell me where we are going so I can plan accordingly. I was actually getting ticked off until he said, "Look! At least you won't have to cook that week so what's the problem?" YEAH!! Hey, not cooking is a honeymoon in ITSELF! And no dishes!! No laundry!! I am having a honeymoon with MYSELF!
I drank a Yoo-hoo this evening. Right before I drank my SlimFast. I'm afraid of what tomorrow will bring to me.
Hopefully tonight I will be able to sleep. Between stretched-out long sore arms, excitement over the trip and the fact that I caught Brian out on the front porch holding his shotgun earlier ("No worries, babe, just a coon trying to get into the trash"), I'm kind of not in the mood!
Have a good evening, guys!
Saturday, October 02, 2010
Apparently I am annoying.
Yeah, I know YOU GUYS don't believe it but I'm just telling you what my old man told me today. I know it's difficult to believe that there is somebody out there who would even THINK that about me, but it happens. Even to the best of us! However, it seems recently I'm annoying because:
1) I play my iPod too loud...the high-pitched squeaks of the guitar solos coming out of the earphones interfere with his ability to watch Judge Judy.
2) He doesn't like it when I exercise in the living room while he's watching the evening news. It makes "his" t.v. wobble. "IT COULD FALL OVER!"
3) I carry my purse weird. A TRUE lady should put the straps on her shoulder and not carry the purse "like a sack of potatoes."
4) I sleep with my mouth open. He states it would be fine if ONLY I didn't drool all over his arm.
5) I can't find the remote when he's sitting on it.
6) I leave little smiley faces on the checks and order forms. :) :) :) :)
7) I got a $30 parking ticket. (Okay....uh, I'll give him that one.)
8) I laugh like "a turkey." (But ONLY when he stubs his toe on the corner of the couch.)
9) I run the vacuum during the Bengals game.
10) Sometimes I leave my fake eyelashes stuck on the bathroom mirror.
BUT, he clips his nails and leaves them lying on the arm of the couch in a neat little pile and doesn't discard of them. It's almost like he's proud of the Little House of Nails. And sometimes I walk into the bathroom and he's looking up his noseholes holding a pair of MY TWEEZERS. Then there's this REALLY annoying thing he does with his lips when we're trying to sleep...like TALK. You cannot play Scrabble with this man before we go to bed. He not only talks IN his sleep, he SPELLS EVERYTHING OUT.
It's funny how when you first get married there is nothing that this person can do that will get on your nerves. You think it's cute when they pick their navel or have a stray hair dangling out of their ear. But give it a few years? After you've yanked their socks off of the bedroom lampshade a few thousand times, you become disillusioned. But yet, one thing remains....
In the dead of the night when you hear the sound of their breathing next to you, you feel safe. You feel loved. There is a peace that floods your soul, a beacon of light in the night when they reach over and take you by the hand and say...
"What is that?? Did you forget to turn off the headlights on the car AGAIN??"
Pffffffff! As if I would do such a thing.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
I've done the grocery shopping in my family for 21 years. I have never liked doing it; I would much rather have hot flaming toothpicks shoved into my pupils than deal with the madness that seems to accompany me when I go to Kroger and Walmart. It seems I'm not exactly the most patient person so I usually end up huffing and puffing my way through the aisles, glaring at the old lady in front of me while she argues with the cashier over the price of Efferdent. But yesterday I made up my mind that no matter how difficult it was, I would smile at every "offender" who entered "my space" and smile when someone grumbled at me.
And I did. I couldn't believe how many excuse mes, thank-yous, and offers to get the item off the top shelf (because I'm too short to reach it) I received. Then I started noticing other people who were impatiently rolling their eyes, giving others the mental flip-off like I usually do. Wow. Did I really look like that? No wonder I got cussed at so much.
Then I saw HER. She was perhaps a little shorter than I am, no bigger than a 10-year-old child, short skirt, stilleto heels, tattoos that went from here-to-here and hair that looked like it had not been combed in weeks. Most people were avoiding her like the plague and she was struggling to walk and carry the case of Budweiser at the same time. Normally I would be thinking, "Clean yourself up, at least while you go to the store, why don't ya?" Suddenly, now, I wanted to cry. What circumstances brought this woman to this point in her life? What has happened to make her not CARE? Her boyfriend/husband ran up beside her, a man who looked as if he had not slept in days, and took the case of beer from her; they huddled together and went into the next check-out lane beside me. I found myself praying inwardly, silently for God to watch over this couple, to find a way into their lives, to CHANGE their lives, somehow, someway.
Behind me an older woman (perhaps in her early seventies) and her daughter (perhaps in her early 50s) came up behind me as I was placing my items on the counter. The daughter had mental challenges and was trying to grab at my items while the mother, exasperated, was trying to stop her. I could tell how weary this woman was, how she must have raised this girl for 50+ years and the challenges she must have endured. As a volunteer for the Special Olympics for many years, my heart immediately went out to the both of them and I handed the M&Ms that were just scanned to the daughter, with a raised eyebrow toward the mother, silently questioning her if it was alright. Smiling, the mother nodded and her daughter laughed and jumped up and down a little with happiness. I said a silent, inward prayer for them, too.
Getting into my car, I sat there thinking. No matter how different we all are, no matter our background, our race, our financial circumstances, one day we are all going to open our eyes, whether it be here or in eternity, and realize we are ONE. We are all connected by this thing called humanity, you see. No one is "better" than anyone else. I'm no better than Stiletto Girl or the mother who has had to sacrifice her life raising a child with special needs. I'm no better than the drunk, the drug-user, the prostitute because I could very easily, with just one change in MY life's circumstance, have become one of them.
Stopping at the gas station before heading home, as I was standing in line, a man placed two bottles of wine on the counter and in a drunken slur, invited the cashier to his place. With disgust, the cashier appeared to not want to touch his money and coldly told him to have a "wonderful" evening. When he left, she looked at me and said, "Idiot. So gross. Get a life, pig." With tears in my eyes, I didn't know who I felt more sorry for...the man or her. Then suddenly I heard a whisper inside of me:
"Who are you to judge either ONE of them?"
Talking with Brian about it last night, he silently listened and nodded as he helped me put my items away. Then he said, "Looks like God is leading you somewhere. You need to figure out just where that is. With His help, of course." So, I'm leaving myself open to His calling, to His words. I still feel this unexplained yearning today and it has gripped me like hands of steel. I can't shake it off, I can't stop thinking about what He may be wanting me to do with the rest of my life. Yeah, it is THAT STRONG. I recall the lyrics of a song that go something like, "Looking back I clearly see what it is that's killing me. Through the eyes of One I know, I see a vision once let go..."
I want this. For some reason, I know I need this. Because whatever this is, it is going to save ME.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
I'm trying to decide if I'm awake, if I've fallen into the realms of the Twilight Zone or if the Old Man has lost his marbles. We had decided a few months ago to cut back on spending since our youngest was accepted into Ohio University (who, by the way, has adjusted rather nicely to her class schedule and has also taken on a job). But, it's like he has thrown caution to the wind and I needed to get to the bottom of it. Especially when he lugged home a new 48-inch flat screen t.v. a few weeks ago.
"What did you do??" I asked him.
"Whaddaya mean, what did I do? I got a new t.v." he said as he flung the inside wrappers to and fro like an eight-year-old on Christmas morn.
"I thought we were going to watch our money a bit more closely!"
"We are. And we're going to watch our football games on THIS!" (Cue the "Price is Right" pose...)
"Uh, okay, Mister, but where did you get the money? You turnin' tricks on the side?"
"I still have my regulars." he deadpanned as he whipped out the screwdriver.
Shaking my head, I helped him assemble the stand and got it situated against the wall. I have to admit, it looked pretty good and I was getting excited right along with him. Until.....
"I saw a treadmill you'd LOVE to have. It tells you how many miles you've went, how many calories you've burned. Shoot, I think it even tells you what you WEIGH."
Slamming down the new remote, I burned a hole through the right side of his head with the bright red laser beams coming from my eyes.
"I don't want a new treadmill."
"Do you want a new stationary bike?"
"What is your PROBLEM??!"
"Why are YOOUU getting mad?"
"Why are YOOUU trying to tell me I need bigger and better exercise equipment?! I know I've gained a little but C'MON!"
"Look, the t.v. is for you, too."
"Oh, COME ON...."
"No. Seriously. Honestly? Listen to me. Breanna has been getting everything lately. I know it's because she has needed them for college but I've watched you go get her everything her heart desires through the years. I've watched you spoil ALL of the kids rotten. What have you gotten for yourself lately?"
"I don't look at things like that..."
"Well, it's your turn now. I want you to have what you want."
My ice-cold heart melting, I quietly said, "I already have what I want...."
"Okay, NO, it's OUR turn now. And if doing things for YOU makes ME happy, then maybe you should just BE QUIET and let me do them, then."
Huffing, he busied himself by pretending to look at the manual. I know he was pretending because this man has never read a manual in his entire life.
Maybe all of this alone time with me and no kids has done something to his brain.
Either way, I think I like it! I don't want him buying me stuff, though! It was the words...it was the way he WANTED to do this stuff for me. It was the motive BEHIND buying the t.v., wanting to buy me the new treadmill and whatever ELSE he thinks he wants to get me. It's just his way of saying he LOVES ME.
I think I've fallen in love again! I think I really DO love this man I've spent the last 20+ years with! But what really touches me more deeply than anything else?
He still loves me, too! Why should that surprise me? He's stuck with me through thick and thin, the good and the bad, the bad breath, bad hair days, speeding tickets and things you guys don't even know about and I don't have the guts to say! He's always been RIGHT THERE, even when I haven't necessarily WANTED him RIGHT THERE, but there he has been. I think in this day and age I should be counting my lucky stars to have such a great guy who's stuck with me. So, excuse me; one..two...three..four...five...
I'm counting ALL of my lucky stars today.
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