For Betsy

Thursday, September 09, 2010

I thought she could use a laugh today. So, from one redneck to the other, here ya go, sweetie pie.

POPULAR REDNECK SAYINGS:

"Slicker than a harpooned hippo on a banana tree."

"Don't worry too much about it. Just do all you can do and let the rough end drag."

"That boy is about as sharp as a cue ball."

"That boy is a few fries short of a Happy Meal."

"He's ridin' a gravy train on biscuit wheels."

"That'll go over like a pregnant pole vaulter."

"I'd rather jump barefoot off a 6-foot step ladder into a 5 gallon bucket of porcupines than to...."

"It's as easy as herdin' chickens!"

"She's purtier than a mess of fried catfish."

"I'm busier than a stump full of ants!"

"That's slicker than snot on a doorknob!"

"No, that's slicker than snot on a goat's glass eye!"

"He's a nice guy but I don't think he has enough chlorine in his gene pool..."

POPULAR REDNECK WORDS:

"Bard" - verb. Past tense of the infinitive 'to borrow.' Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck.

"Jawjuh" - noun. A state just north of Florida. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh just bard my pickup truck.

"Munts" - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and I ain't herd from him in munts!"

"Ranch"- noun. A tool. Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of the pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

"All"- noun. A petroleum based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

"Far" - noun. A conflaguration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

REDNECK PICS:









Have a good day, girlie. Big ole redneck hugs from me. ;)

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The Ultimate Pick-up Line

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

I was at the Dollar Store last night trying to find a cheap shower caddy for Breanna. The shower stalls at OU are small, close together and there isn't a place to set her many essentials (a.k.a. shampoo, conditioner, serum, body soap, body lotion, razors, shave cream and who-knows-what-else) as she is getting ready for her day. As I was debating between a lime green, purple or hot pink one, a "gentleman" came up to me and struck up a conversation. I pleasantly smiled and continued my business, silently wondering when he was going to LEAVE. Then he said, "Ya know, maybe you and I could grab a drink sometime." I didn't even look at him. The only thing I did was hold up my left hand and wiggle my ring finger. After apologizing, he hurried off; but I couldn't help but grin. I couldn't wait to get home and tell Brian that someone tried to pick me up at the DOLLAR STORE! It was kinda flattering, too. I mean, C'MON. It makes you feel good to know that you're not a big anatomical mess! My hard work has paid off!!

Brian didn't even bat an eye when I told him and asked, "Do they carry tarp?"
"TARP?!?"
"YOU know what tarp is."
"Yeah, I KNOW what tarp is, but that's all you have to say??"
"About WHAT?"
"About that guy in the store!"
"His pick-up line was lame."
"Okay...so you're judging him by his PICK-UP LINE. NICE."

I remember Brian's pick-up line. Twenty years ago, I was walking back to my apartment and this huge Ford Bronco with a four-inch lift kit and monster tires pulled up alongside me on the sidewalk. Over the roar of the engine he shouted, "HEY! DON'T YOU LIVE THREE APARTMENTS DOWN FROM ME??!"
"WHAT?!"
"DON'T YOU LIVE THREE APARTMENTS...."
"I CAN'T HEEEAR YOU!"
"DON'T YOU...."
Cutting the engine, he said, "Don't you live three doors DOWN from me?"
"Yeah...and your point is?"
"You need a ride back to your place?"
Looking over my shoulder, I could see my apartment door. Looking back at him, I saw him grinning and he said, "Or we could just go grab a pizza after while."

What a cute grin. I was soo smitten.

We ended up getting pizza that evening. And watching the movie "Ghost." Just as my eyes were tearing up when Patrick Swayze was going into The Light, Brian leaned over and planted one right on my lips.
"What are you doing?!?"
"I'm sorry. No, I'm not. I've been eyeing you for two months now. So, NO, I'm not sorry. And I want to kiss you again. And again. You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I want to kiss you for many days to come."
"Okay."
"OKAY??"
"Yeah. Okay."
Cue the cheesy grin. Cue the Cupid's arrow. And I've allowed him to kiss me...for many YEARS to come.

So, last night, as I watched Brian ransack the building for weed-eater string and holler at the cat for getting under his feet, I realized something; that's still the same guy who had to lift me up and put me in the passenger seat of his monster Bronco because I was too short. He's still the same guy who rushed home in the middle of his workday with a ring and TOLD me I was going to marry him. He's also the same guy who said he had been eyeing me for two months because he's had his eye on me for twenty years now.

So YEAH. The Dollar Store guy's pick-up line WAS pretty lame.

Brian knew he NEVER stood a chance.

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YOU Are SO WEIRD!

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

I have always been fascinated by the human body for as long as I can remember. I can recall being a small child, and even before I could read, sitting and pouring over my mother's medical journals looking at the pictures on each page. It is probably why I majored in Psychology and later on became a nurse. I just had to know what made us tick...and what I could do to keep on ticking! We all know by now how many calories we must burn to lose a pound of fat, how to ease the burn of a strained muscle and how to cut the unnecessary fat from our diets, but did you know that:

- The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. It is the only muscle in our body that is not attached at both ends. Also, every individual has a unique tongue print just like we have unique finger prints.
- The average human will eat on average 8 spiders while sleeping.
- The average woman consumes 6 pounds of lipstick in her lifetime.
- The human brain weighs about 3 pounds. The human head weighs 8 pounds.
- You blink over 10,000,000 times a year. Women blink twice as many times as a man.
- When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop...even your heart. It's impossible to truly sneeze with your eyes open.
- If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and six days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
- Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza in a DAY.
- If you passed gas consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
- On average a human will spend up to 2 weeks kissing in his or her lifetime. A one-minute kiss burns 26 calories. Maybe we should kiss more often?
- Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for the heart. Yet the surface area of the human lung is equal to that of a tennis court.
- The higher your IQ, the more you dream. And in color.
- The typical human body contains enough sulfur to kill all fleas on an average dog.
- We are born with 300 bones. Yet, by the time we reach adulthood, we have 206 bones. Babies are also born without knee caps.
- The average human body sheds around 600,000 particles of skin every hour; that is about 1.5 pounds a year. By age 70, you will have lost 105 pounds of skin. Ever wonder where it goes?
- The average adult's empty stomach has the volume of 1/5 of a cup. When stuffed with food the volume can reach a little over a gallon.
- During your lifetime, you will produce enough saliva to fill two swimming pools. And did you know that if your saliva cannot dissolve something, then you cannot taste it?
- The three things pregnant women dream most of during their first trimester are frogs, worms and potted plants.
- After eating too much, your hearing is less sharp.
- Your body has enough iron in it to make a 3-inch long nail.
- The indentation in the middle of the area between the nose and the upper lip is called the philtrum. Didn't know it had a name, did ya?
- Facial hair grows faster than any other hair on the body. Pfff! Tell that to the hair on my legs!
- The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razorblades. You get a new stomach lining every three to four days. If you didn't, it would digest itself.
- It takes 72 muscles to produce human speech.

I bet you didn't know you were that complicated, did you?

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Go Ahead, Make My Day

Saturday, September 04, 2010

I was at Walmart last night and they are remodeling the store. They have the snack cakes by the bras and underwear and the shoes next to the vaccuum cleaners. I really hope this is only temporary. Or it could be a good thing! If you're thinking about buying the snack cakes, maybe it will make you think how you're going to look a few days later IN that bra. Maybe it's a psychological tool that Walmart is using to help us get fit. The shoes next to the vaccuum cleaners could be a subtle reminder for us to get moving. No? Anyhooo, it sure was a pain in the bum trying to find the coffee filters. They were over in Aisle Four next to the Depends. Even THAT seems fitting in my warped eccentric little mind.

I was pushing the cart over to the produce when one of the wheels got stuck on something on the floor and it discontinued turning. I pulled it backwards, tried again to push it forward; alas, it got hung up again. It was impossible to be inconspicuous because each time I tried it would scream, "Buh-GGGRRRRRRRRR!" An older lady who was next to me gave me a dirty look and slammed her fish sticks into her cart, sighing heavily before squeaking away.

I didn't like her. I didn't like her at all.

And don't ask me HOW THIS happened, but as I was about to leave the aisle, this little kid, about seven years, careened his body into my cart. He was running at break-neck speed and ended up halfway into it, screaming, "OW! MOMMY! MOMMMMMEEEEE!" Quickly looking around for any witnesses, I helped him get back on his feet and said, "You shouldn't be running, little one, you could get hurt!" Rubbing his eyes, he screeched, "I DID get hurt, lady!" Apologizing, as I patted his back, he jerked viciously away from me. Laughing, he said, "I"m going to tell my MOM that you hit me!" and ran off. I hurriedly ran the other direction and got lost in the maze of the mismatched aisles. I watched my back the entire time I was there. I didn't like that kid either.

When I finally got home I texted Breanna and told her how much I missed her. I said, "You should have been with me at Walmart!" She said, "Walmart? WHO needs Walmart! There's a MACY'S here! AND an Elder-Beermans! And I GOT A JOB!!" Yep! She's a working girl now! She is taking on 20 hours a week at the dining hall on campus. It's enough to get her some pocket change and to supplement what we give her. She seemed so.....GROWN UP. I asked her if she needed anything and she replied, "No, Mom, I'm doing fine." WHAT?! Huh?! Hmmm, unlike the little boy who needed HIS mother because he got beat up a little bit, she was facing life head on. She didn't need to scream, "OW! Mom!" She was doing....fine.

Isn't that what I wanted to hear? Did I WANT her to say, "I need you! Can you come?" A small part of me wanted an excuse to go and "HELP" her with something, with anything. But, no, Mom, she is doing fine. NOW whatchya gonna do?

Well, I know ONE thing. I'm "steering" clear of Walmart for awhile. Just until they get the mess, carts, old ladies and the little narks cleaned up. And I will be happy that my little girl is taking the bull by the horns and going for it. Looks like the tables have turned and she's setting the example for me now, huh?

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Fighting the Heebie-Jeebies

Friday, September 03, 2010

Yes, I'm a freaking mess after dropping Breanna off at college yesterday, but I'm actually better than what I thought I would be. I'm not eating paint chips, combing my cat for hours or eating cake icing straight from the container with my fingers. I actually got up this morning, took a walk, did some light housecleaning and talked to my other son who lives in Arizona for awhile. He, my daughter-in-law and my two grandgirls are going to San Diego for a week of R & R. So, I'm doing okay. Better than what I actually thought I would be doing a few days ago. Yes, I bawled, watched three epidodes of "Dexter" back-to-back and ate several cookies last night. I even slept in Breanna's bed, falling asleep to the sound of her wallclock tick-tick-ticking in the dark.

But I'm okay.

For now, anyways. Now, I'm just wondering about the rest of my life. Should I consider going back to school myself? Should I take some classes that I think would interest me? OR should I do something that I've always wanted to do (like hang glide...my friend has a hang gliding set-up and he has offered to take me on a trial run)? Stop rubbing your eyes, you heard me. Hang glide. Or parachute! The OU campus has it's own airport strip that offers parachuting services to its students. I will be inquiring if this is also available for the parents OF the students. Breanna has already told me SHE would parachute when pigs fly. And with raised eyebrow and a hand on her hips has questioned my sanity for even suggesting it. I AM crazy. But my insanity has been what has kept me sane my entire life. Why stop now? Why limit myself, why not open myself up to all possibilities that this life has to offer? I'm only 41...wait...yeah, I had to do a mental calculation...and I'm not ready to hang it up yet. But I am ready to let it all hang out, so to speak.

But maybe in a few weeks I'll start taking the knocking on my heart more seriously. Right now, I just need to fight the swelling of my heart that hits me while I'm dusting her dresser or finding mismatched socks under her bed. Her keyboard has her fingerprints on the keys and her stereo was still on, volume turned down to her favorite music station. I even found several letters I had written her over the years, carefully folded and placed in her desk drawer. She kept them ALL. I have to smile and fight the tears because I've kept each of hers, too. The ones from camp, the ones she would write while I was at work when she was ten-years-old ("Mom, I wish you were here...Paul and Dad are being mean because they said it was MY turn to do the dishes. I don't like doing dishes. They are gross. And the dishes are gross, too.")

Right now I just want to be here in case she calls home.

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