Tuesday, February 12, 2013
We've all seen her. The little girl in the corner at the party with her arms folded across her chest and a pouty mouth, mad because something didn't go her way. The people around her are trying their best to make her smile, to reassure her that it's going to be okay, just come out and have some fun. She won't look anyone in the eye and quickly turns away from them with tears in her eyes, defiant and a little testy. All she can think of is how "unfair" life seems to be...
A couple of weeks ago I got hurt at work which resulted in an accident report, a few days of being incapacitated on the couch and light duty at work. Not to mention the ultimate loss of a friendship that I didn't have the energy to try to maintain anymore. I went into "pout-mode." Then my weight increased. (I am now back up to 124.5.) I ate to numb the physical and emotional pain. My appetite/cravings escalated and now it's a battle to keep them under control. There is the rabbit hole...it's always lurking but this time it seemed bigger and strangely more welcoming. Self-pity? I was and still am the poster child for it. But...
You guys won't let me wallow, will you? I've checked my page...the SparkMails are overwhelming with kindness and concern. The goodies spoke equally as much. Now you guys have resorted to commenting on my page, some with "tough love." (I gotta admit, one of them really ticked me off but I guess it got me on here spilling my guts. But I will deal with "you" later in a private message and it won't be pretty so consider yourself for-warned.)
It doesn't take a brick to fall on my head to know you all care. But I'm still a little mad. I feel a little failure in the fact that sometimes my health gets all screwy and I can't run with the big dogs. I'm ticked that a friend decided that, after all, I WAS just an option, no matter how much I cared and tried to be there for them and "checked out." But it gave me time to see the others around me who really DO have my best interests at heart. Who really do love me for...ME. So I thank that person for allowing me to realize my worth does not lie in their eyes. I thank that person for helping me to see the others around me who truly care about my heart and what it stands for.
Like Betsy. And Brad. These two people have basically kept tabs on me every day. I would say they are my two greatest friends. No matter if I was at work or home, I would check my phone or go to break and find a funny text or a sweet voicemail. Even a funny picture or two. It's kinda hard to stand in the corner pouting when you get a funny pic of Dewey posing for the camera (Dewey is Betsy's extremely handsome cat, btw) or a hand-drawn picture of a stick figure with arms open wide screaming, "I LOVE YOU THIS MUCH!!
Or even this cute little pic from my daughter exclaiming that two heads are better than one...
Sooo, I guess it's time to let a little smile replace the pout, even though the arms are still folded, albeit not as tightly, across my chest. I'm looking secretly out of the corner of my eye and feeling a little break in my defiant attitude. I want to slowly join in the party again. Yes, I'm still a little miffed at myself, weight gain and all, but I will get back out there on my trail again, huffing and puffing off the pounds. So, you see, PumpedUp, I did not quit. I may have felt like it, been tempted to do it, threatened to do it and had myself believing that I did it, but there is a spirit in me that won't allow me to. So there.
It's time to see, feel and enjoy the company of my TRUE friends. Who never gave up on me. Or who kindly gave me the space to go through the torrent of emotions that needed to be steamed off.
I'm healing. I will be okay.
God bless. You are loved.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
One of my challenges in life has been my illness. Most of you know, I have lupus. I always carry a low-grade fever and deal with muscular and joint aches on a day-to-day basis. I have been on every medication that treats it and have had to discontinue them because of the side effects. I have also used home remedies, herbal therapies, modified my diet, etc., etc., but still have to deal with some very bad days when it just wants to rear its ugly head and make my life, well, hell.
There are times when it not only makes day-to-day activities very difficult and painful, it wears and tears on the spirit as well. I'm not a vain person but I take alot of pride in my appearance. I believe in looking your best even if you're just running to the grocery store for milk. But it would seem this disease doesn't care about that. When the rash appears, it comes with a vengeance. No amount of make-up or creams will cover it. At times, to this day, I still cry when it happens because the little girl inside of me is afraid of being laughed at or shunned.
I cried last week before work when I woke up to the pain, swelling and rash. I was scared. My new coworkers had not seen this side of me. They met me with understanding and compassion. Some even put their arm around me and asked if they could help with some of my responsibilities. That helped. Of course I was stubborn and insisted that I could still function at my normal capacity. And I did. But inside I still die a little bit when this hits me. But I am surviving. I WILL survive.
The rash is now subsiding a little. It seems to have lasted a little longer than normal this time and my eyes are still swollen terribly!
Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for your support and understanding. It helps to complain a little, lol. So thank you for listening to that as well. :) I hope that you all are doing well and had a very wonderful weekend. I miss getting on here and aggravating you all like I used to. For some reason "torturing" others makes me feel better, lol. I carry you all in my heart and hold you in my prayers each and every day.
God bless you. I sure do love you.
Wednesday, January 02, 2013
It all started with the Steelers/Bengals game December 23. That all important game that would determine if the Steelers were still "in the hunt" for the AFC playoffs that could ultimately take them to the Super Bowl in the new year. Being married to a Bengals fan has never been easy. They are a different breed all of their own. My husband is a different breed all of his own. So combine the two and you get a really-weird-psycho-mix of, well, psycho.
The Bengals won. As I sat there in silence, blinking, Brian was dancing in circles around me, eyes wide with wonder and amazement, churning his hips and pumping his fists around me and his own head. Then he began rapping. "Who dey? Yeah, who DEY! Dey is da team that won TOO-DAY!" Then, as he folded his arms across his chest and allowed his swiveling butt to come to a standstill he drove it home with an Austin Powers imitation of, "YEEEAH, Bay-beee."
I didn't like him anymore. He didn't get dinner that day.
He had the whole week off from work and by yesterday I didn't trust myself near him with sharp objects, flammable products or matches. He was just absolutely wound for sound during this time and by day three I was hiding in the bathroom with the phone. I called his parents, begging them to call to invite him over for the day. They suspiciously asked me why and the conversations ended with, "No, honey, sorry. We love you but not that much. We don't have enough nerve pills to last us for the day."
I couldn't go to the bathroom alone. He would actually text me while I was taking a bath with things like, "I see you through the key hole" or "Been awhile since I've seen THAT mole." Or when I was on the toilet I would see a note pass under the door. I knew he was purposefully being annoying. The joy in his eyes when I would groan or stare at him in bewilderment was more than I could bear at times. The days wore on. I was hoping the "next day" would bring calm. It only got worse.
Then he saw my winter hiking blogs.
"Who wants to see pictures of snow???"
"It's not just pics of snow. It's my HIKE."
"No. It's snow. No one wants to see them."
"How do YOU know what people want to see?"
"Well, I know they don't wanna see snow. Have you considered the fact that you are NOT a photographer. You should have AT LEAST tried to capture a bird or a deer or sumthun."
"Bite me. It's a weight loss site. No one wants to see birds or deer. They want to hear about hiking, running, exercise..."
"Post my motorcycle paintings."
"I bet if you posted my motorcycle paintings you'd get a lot of hits."
"I bet if you don't knock it off YOU'RE gonna get alot of hits."
One day he walked into the bathroom while I was applying my wrinkle cream.
"You still using that???"
"I've used it for fifteen years, Brian. You know that."
"When's it supposed to kick in?"
Then the next evening I walked in on him and he was dabbing it onto his bald spot. I noted white stuff in his nose and saw my tube of depilatory cream on the stand. I slowly backed out of the room.
The night before last I had enough. I love him. Everyone knows that. Right? But the spells, prayers and burning of incense didn't have any affect on his hyperness or pranks. I was getting his medications ready and I caught the Benadryl out of the corner of my eye. Yes. I did. Two of them. (Oh, shut up, they give it to BABIES.) A half hour after taking his pills he looked over at me all dreamy-eyed and said he was suddenly sleepy. Ten minutes later he was out like a light. I looked at his face, mouth gaping wide, and felt guilty for a few minutes. He was so quiet and serene. Then I dragged him by his ankles to the bed and covered him with the blankets lovingly and snugly. VERY snugly. I held the remote to the television closely to my chest the rest of the evening. It was mine. Kinda like how squirrels act with their nuts.
DON'T judge me...
He went back to work today. I go back tomorrow. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you.
I love him. But I love to miss him sometimes, too.
I wish you all a very wonderful and amazing 2013. I would like to share with you all a message I received from SEXBOBOMB...it touched me and resonated with truth and honesty. We can wish for perfection this coming year but it is not humanly possible. So remember...with imperfection can come growth.
"I hope that in the year to come, you make mistakes.
Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing the world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're DOING SOMETHING.
So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make new mistakes, make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.
Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it. Make your mistakes, next year and forever."
- Neil Gaiman
BTW, send inquiries for Brian through my SparkMail. My prices are pretty reasonable.
God bless. You are loved.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
I could do it. I did it once yesterday, braving the frosty air and silver white skies to hike the trail that snakes through my woods. But today brought more beauty that took my breath away. The sky, after the storm moved through, brought some of the bluest skies I have seen in awhile and one of the prettiest sunsets that winter time could offer. I set off on my trail only to end up a few roads over in Bethel Ridge. The air, brisk, chilled the tip of my nose. I hoped I wasn't pushing my luck by leaving the warmth of the fireplace once again, but somehow, I lost track of my thoughts...and time.
Out my back door...
Passing a dilapidated shack on my right...
The old Landrum Cemetery...there haven't been Landrums around here for years and I wondered who takes care of the property.
I notice the sun starting to set...
Time to head back home. I secretly hoped all the holiday goodies wouldn't put me passed the bridge weight limit...
What a beautiful sky...
I decide to take a detour through my woods. During warmer days I sit on this make-shift bench to think and to reflect. Not today. My tush would freeze.
My pond. Partially frozen. And yet...my heart is warm.
I am actually fulfilled. I don't know how many times I longed to move from this place. To be a part of "the city." To escape winters such as these. Now, I don't know why I would EVER feel that way. God has put me where He needs me to be. Where He knows my heart is complete. I've never thought of myself as a country girl. I've often thought I was "misplaced." But is there anywhere else I want to be? Today?
This place suits me just fine, thank you.
God bless you and keep you where ever YOU may be tonight.
You are loved.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
When I got up this morning I looked out my bedroom window and buried my face in my hands. I had promised myself that today I was going to stop being such a wuss and brave the cold for a brisk hike on my trail. (The treadmill was not cutting it. I dearly missed the solitude and peace that I always felt outdoors, that "no-feeling-like-it" feeling as I merged with nature.) I pulled my robe tighter around my waist and headed for the kitchen to make a warm cup of tea. The house was quiet, except for the hum of the refrigerator and the gentle breaths of Brian and Bre as they still floated on the wings of their dreams. Looking out the window, however, I felt the gentle tugging of my spirit.
Yes. I had to go. Bundling up in three layers of clothes, I found myself going deep into the woods, my boots walking alongside the prints left behind by a deer who was foraging for food and warmth. I was hoping to find him, not taking my eyes from the trail, but then I looked up. Such beauty. Raw and untouched.
No, I am not a "cold-weather" girl, preferring to dig my toes into the white sands of a beach, feeling the sun warming my face and legs. But today...
Today I decided not to define myself as that girl.
Today I saw a different stroke of God's paintbrush. It was gorgeous. It was peaceful. It was what my soul dearly needed...
We so often define ourselves as something we are or are not. By doing so, what are we missing? By not being willing to branch out and explore new things? What are we not learning about ourselves by limiting our experiences? No. I do not like the cold. I don't like spinach either but I eat it because it is good for me. And this was good for me.
As 2012 draws to a close, rethink your "ideas" about yourself. Burst into 2013 headstrong, willing to open yourself up to new thoughts, ideas and experiences. You will grow from it. I promise.
God bless you all abundantly. You are loved and I will see you next year. :)
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