Tuesday, November 06, 2012
You know it's gonna be one of those days when you wake up and give yourself a black eye. Shuffling around in the dark at 5:30 a.m. is never a good idea especially when your intent is to make a cup of tea. That means leaving the cabinet door open, forgetting you leave it open, then turning around and driving your eye into the corner of it. What made it really scary for a moment is the fact that when the pain shot through my socket, I fell back and stepped on a grape on the floor. Pop and squirt. (Check to see if the eye is still in your head before you scream.)
I spent the next 50 minutes on the treadmill with a bag of frozen corn of my face.
Since I wanted to go early to vote to avoid the long lines, I hurriedly got dressed and headed to Liberty. That's when I ran over the squirrel. I wasn't too happy. (Neither was the squirrel.) Shoot, it bothered me so bad, I can't even remember who I voted for.
On the way home, though, Ms. Storts from the Motorcycle Ranch called and informed me that she sold one of my paintings yesterday. I was so ecstatic that I barely missed the guard rail turning onto my road. Quickly hanging up, the phone rang again and it was Evil Derrick and his Cohort Mary. My hiking buddies. No. I do not feel bad for calling them Evil and Cohort. These people are out to get me on every level imaginable but oddly enough I like them. And since Derrick had to be at work earlier today could I meet them at Pine Ridge as soon as possible for our hike??
Evil thought my eye looked funny. Cohort took compassion on me. Then they switched. Evil said, "Aww, poor baby..." as Cohort tried to poke it with a twig. Gasping, Evil swatted it away and told us to get our butts in gear. These people are relentless. You either keep up or you're left to get eaten by the deer and snakes. In my case it was a beetle or a beetle-like creature. But it didn't eat me...I ate it. And I gagged. And I choked. Then I SWEAR TO YOU it came out my nose. I caught up to Evil and Cohort and they were standing with arms around each other. Whispering, giggling and staring at one another off to the side of the trail. My heart wrenched. I stopped and watched quietly as they sweetly kissed each others cheek and tears came to my eyes. Such a loving and tender display....
Hugging my goodbyes and a "see ya guys soon" I headed toward home. Entering the house I was dumbfounded by pieces of corn peppered from the gym room, to the living room, into the kitchen. WTH?? Then I realized it was from the bag I had earlier that morning and it had sprung a leak. Cleaning it up I looked at the empty house and listened to the subtle hum of the refrigerator....
I listened to the messages on the home phone. One was Barack Obama urging me to get out and vote for him. A little late for that, buddy. Oopsie.
Then silence. Again. But if I listened hard enough, I swear, I could almost hear the laughter of Bre and Paul through the walls. From years gone by...
I busied myself with painting until my eyes began to cross. I was too keyed up anyways to make any sense of the canvas before me so I decided to make some spaghetti. I realized I made too much so I put some in a dish and took it down to my neighbor across the street. He is mentally challenged, living alone and I worry about him sometimes.
Now I am home. Anxiously awaiting Monday when I will be going back to work. It will be a good diversion. I haven't been going through the best of time as of late but I'm hoping that will change. If not...well, I am trying not to think of the "if nots." I'm just going to take it one day at a time and praying the "if not" won't happen...
One day at a time. As messed up as it can be sometimes, just one day at a time.
God bless all. Wishing you all a beautiful day.
Sunday, November 04, 2012
So many times...
So many years I've given to bettering myself. I've been on journey after journey to find my personal Nirvana, longing to find that tender balance of spiritual, mental, physical stability that we ALL crave as soulful creatures. Even as I write this I am still searching for my place in this big wide open world...
I could tell you who I am until my voice is hoarse and my face turns seven shades of blue. I can tell you my favorite time of day (and night), my favorite color, my favorite music or why I like to get lost in certain romance novels when I have had a trying day. I can also tell you, while I'm practical and methodical most days, I like giving in to the whimsical spiritual side of me, enjoying utterly sweet spontaneity.
But I think it is who I am not that gives me a clearer definition of the person I see each time I look into the mirror.
As I look back on my life I see the moments, sometimes the not-so-wondrous-moments, that could have changed the way I see life. Or worse yet, altered the way I LIVE life. But there is something in the deepest part of me that refuses to give up the notion, that in the end of all things said-and-done, that I will stand before a Higher Being. One who will ask me, judge me, on how fair I've weathered the storms...
I realized that I am not someone who can lie down and allow life to pass me by. I cannot watch from the sidelines and not long to join in. I want to somehow, some way, make my world a better place to be, not just for me, but for others who share it with me.
I am not someone who cannot forgive. The hardest part, I've learned, is not forgiveness of others. It is the forgiveness of self.
I am not someone who cannot see past my own pain to be there for others during their own.
I am not someone to truly hate. I've been angry, yes, but to hate? Hatred to me is little deaths to the soul that can eat away at the most precious part of you...
I am not that person you will find talking behind your back. I will laugh with you but never at you.
I am not someone who can say all the right things to make you feel better. But I will listen with an open heart and let you find a soft place to rest in the solace of my arms.
I am not just "that girl" with lupus. There are times I cry in private because the make-up can't conceal the rash. There is a place in the smallest part of me that is still frightened of what you might think when you look at me...
I won't become someone I am not just so you will like me better.
I am not a triathlete. Oh, I would like to be! But I have given birth to what I am and I thank God, when I hike, I am able to take the time to see the beautiful things around me. They are creations on His canvas, given the breath of life to be all things great and small.
I am not a person who places much emphasis in material things. I like nice things, yes, but I can't take them to Heaven with me. I can also appreciate the appearance of a handsome man or a lovely woman but that is not what I value. It isn't what makes me want to know you. It is your heart inside of you that makes me ache to love you more...
I am not an option. You either love me, accept me, and trust me. Or you do not. I only ask that you do not discard my compassion while you are trying to make up your mind.
I am not someone who can forget you. If you have passed away, moved on or forgotten ME, your presence made an imprint on my soul. It still lingers in my life and will for years to come...if not for an eternity.
I am not able to deny that our greatest existence lies in the purpose of giving ourselves to others, in the most quiet and gentlest of ways. I am the person who will give you my whole heart as long as you use it to love others more because of it. (But you cannot have my soul for that is God's).
I am not your enemy. I only ask that you eat well, exercise and take care of yourself so that I may have you in my life for a very long time. Why? Because I love you and I cannot imagine my life without you.
I am not impatient.
I am not weak...for I have found my strength.
I am not indecisive...for I have found my focus.
I am not frozen...I have exhaled.
I am not someone who has given up on you even if you have given up on yourself. If you yell at me I will cry for just a bit but will still hold out my arms to you when you feel bad for doing so.
I am not just anybody.
I am ME.
I am Michelle.
You are the sculptors of who I have become. But most importantly, you have shaped me into the person that I am NOT. For that, I am deeply grateful to you.
God bless you abundantly today.
You are loved by many and always loved by me.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
I was awakened at 4:30 a.m. by a loud "crash" that sat me straight up in bed...my heart pounding, I shook Brian awake and saw a bright light burst through the bedroom blinds. We both jumped to the window. Brian said it was snowing and I pulled the slats down to see for myself. "But what was that light," I asked and the "explosion" happened again. Lightening. I've seen it only once before during snow and it has always struck me as odd. Yet, for some reason, I found it beautiful and unable to tear myself away from the magnificent display of power. Our electricity flickered and went out, then slowly whirred back to life again. I managed to get back to sleep about an hour and a half later once I was satisfied the power might stay on...
It's difficult to believe that it was in the 80s just last week. Indian Summer, nonetheless, but it was delightfully warm. Then this occurred...
Freddie looked really ticked off and demanded an answer to why it was snowing in October...
You can't see it in these lousy cell phone pics but the snow is really coming down. I couldn't believe the wind...it was a constant moan.
I took to the "dreadmill" today for my daily exercise, all the while praying for my friends who live along the east coast. They are all okay, thank God. However, I feel for those who have lost so much during this time...
It is a reminder of how truly "small" we are on this planet, physically. It puts my mind into perspective that we are no match for Mother Nature and her constantly changing mood. It reinforces my belief that we are all in this world, this life, together; needing one another. It is a shared thread that is woven into our spirits...which is why we feel compassion for one another in a time of need, or when our hearts skip when we hear a child's laughter.
Being "small" gives way to doing big things, though. Whether it be just to reach out and hold the hand of someone else. To lend encouragement, pursue our dreams or helping someone else pursue theirs...being "small" is the tie that binds us all.
I wish you strength to continue pursuing your dreams today. There is no dream too big, no hill too high to conquer, no goal too minuscule. Be the wonderfully awesome Titan and Titaness that you are. Be the lightening in the window that awakens a sleeping soul...whether it be someone else's or your very own.
God bless and I pray for you all today. You are loved. Dearly and deeply. :)
Monday, October 29, 2012
I am diligently praying for all of those in the path of Hurricane Sandy. My thoughts and wishes for your safety are abundant in my heart today...
This past weekend was frustrating in many ways but little hiccups in the road only serve to make us stronger. Knowing this seems to make the sting of disappointment a LITTLE easier to take. But, I've realized, as well, you cannot "make" someone eat healthier because you want them to, that the choice for change has to come from within them. I'm not saying I am perfect by no means. It took me a very long to get where I am and some days I struggle mightily. Weight loss has made me more confident and feel healthier but it is also tempting to revert to old habits some days. I find myself thinking, "One piece of fudge will not undo all that I've accomplished..." but I know that it is only the beginning of MANY of those thoughts and I am back to where I started from with blinding speed...
I also have to be wary of losing too much weight. I tend to have a problem with an "all or nothing" attitude and at one point I was down to 109 pounds, looking to lose more. I thought I looked fine, I felt fine, but people were talking, family and friends, expressing concern that I was losing too much weight. So I have to find that balance that will sustain me close to where I am now. I am not happy with the "flabbiness" of my skin. The answer here, I've realized, is time...it tends to bounce back after awhile after weight loss. What does not can usually be treated with firming up in those areas so I am beginning with free weights instead of throwing myself at the BowFlex. I've learned from the past that I have to start slow. And if that doesn't work, if the "flabbiness" persists, then that is just my body. Yet, I'm proud of what I have accomplished to date.
I am still waiting to start work. For all who don't know, who just knew that I started a pharmacy tech position awhile back, I am no longer there due to unfortunate events. I didn't blog about them because I would have came across as a raging ranter and wanted to allow myself to calm down before bringing it up. I left of my own choosing, not because the work was daunting, but working with closed-minded people was painful. I was ridiculed for my lupus rash on several occasions. The environment was highly unprofessional and my mental health was taking a beating. (I found out a few weeks ago, my replacement left in one week in tears.) Now the "establishment" is under investigation. I am hopeful. However, my new job, although the process is taking entirely too long for my liking, pays much more than what I was making and advancement in the company is highly probable. I am excited. It's like those sweet little butterflies in your stomach that tells you something good is about to happen...
This weekend I took a couple of my paintings to that little motorcycle shop I told you about a few weekends ago. The shop owner seemed pleased and allowed me to place them on the wall where I wanted them. :) It's a start. I've learned that Craigslist and online art sites are not for me and are highly questionable, lol. Dealing with real live people is best. I've also gotten a couple of requests from people I used to work with to do their kids. It's picking back up again!
I just have to keep looking forward and find a balancing act of sorts. I'm thinking I am heading to good places now. Allow me to rephrase...I've learned mental encouragement is instrumental in my journey...I KNOW I am heading to good places now. It's amazing when you don't carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, when you realize you don't have to do it all because, well, you just CAN'T. You just have to do what you CAN, with the right attitude, and everything else will just fall into place...
By the way, Brian has made a few changes in his eating habits after finding out he is diabetic but there is a lot of room for improvement. He knows the risks. Just continue to pray that he will eventually do it for him because, just short of tying him up and forcing him into a healthy lifestyle, there is nothing more I can do. Prayer. Gentle encouragement. But the desire to change has to come from within. At some point you just have to let go because you are not them and they are not you...
I send you all good thoughts and prayers for a wonderful week ahead. And please be careful out there, all of you on the east coast. I pray God and all of His angels watch over and build a hedge of protection around you and all of your families...
God bless. You are loved.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Today was laid-back. Just wanted to switch it up a little.
1. What song do you love to dance to?
I will pretty much dance to just about anything but if I had to choose, it would be Alejandro by Lady Gaga. It moves my groove.
2. If you could have a drink with someone from history who would it be?
3. If you were assigned a seat on a plane beside your favorite celebrity, what would you do?
Most likely choke on the peanuts and pass out on him.
4. What is the funniest thing you have heard a child say?
A five-year-old at work one day was sitting on the bench where his grandfather had placed him and told him not to move. He waited on his grandfather to get out of sight, looked at me and said, "I got his keys. Let's go to McDonald's."
5. What would you do if you were invisible for a day?
Follow Bre around campus. I refuse to believe that she stays in her room and studies as much as she says she does.
6. What major company would you like to work for?
The people who make Reese's Cups.
7. What is the most beautiful language?
Spanish. Es la lengua más hermosa en el mundo.
8. What was your last "brush" with the law?
1993. Did a "55" in a "40." I actually had to pay the ticket that time. :(
9. What animals make you smile?
Penguins and squirrels.
10. What "redneck" activity do you like to do?
11. When have you embarrassed yourself in public?
When DON'T I embarrass myself????
12. If you could go any place right now where would you go?
13. Do you still watch cartoons and which ones?
No. Used to love Scooby Doo when I was a kid. And Ren and Stimpy. :)
14. What kind of smoothie sounds really good right now?
One I mix...yogurt, banana, strawberries and blueberries, topped with granola.
15. It's 2 a.m. and you get a text message...what's the first thing that comes to your mind?
"Bre's at the Hookah Bar again."
16. What do you do when (you think) no one is looking?
Pluck my nose hairs.
17. What did you get into trouble for most when you were a kid?
Between the ages of 5 and 8 I had a fascination with the grape fields that surrounded our house. I would climb out my window and hide in them, eating the grapes that the winery used to make its white wine. Other than that, I was perfect. Cough, cough...
18. How often do you go the speed limit?
19. Were you considered popular in high school?
With the teachers. Other than that, I was pretty quiet and didn't socialize much, keeping my head in the books.
20. If you have to choose a movie title for your life story, what would that be?
"It Isn't Over Yet...There's Fun To Be Done!"
God bless you all today. You are loved.
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