Saturday, August 18, 2012
I ran across this old photo of me...
Note the fruit on the table. Note my look of pure joy as I disregard the fruit and eye up the cake. Do you notice my right hand pulling up my left sleeve?? I was thinking, "Just say 'when,' Momma, and I'm IN that!"
My mother was a beautiful woman. She had the patience of a goddess (with six kids, nonetheless) and was an INCREDIBLE cook. As much as I know she meant well by baking up a storm for us while we were young, I have to "blame" her for my love of all things sweet. For every occasion there was a pie, cake, turnover, homemade rolls, etc, etc. From funerals to graduations, to getting "A's" and "B's" on our report cards, we celebrated. With food. And we traded recipes like baseball cards. I was willing to draw blood over the pecan pie recipe. (I think I DID, come to think of it...)
I look back now and see that I did the same thing with my kids. Everything had to be "made better" with food. For whatever ailed you, I had a recipe, for learning to swim, I had a recipe, "you-broke-up-with-who?," I had a recipe...food, food, food. And not just any food. Pretty decorated cupcakes, gorgeous big cookies, the bigger the better. (Note picture above again...is it just me or is that cake really tall???)
Okay. So, I could sit here and "blame" Mom for what I know is the right way now. But, I'M the one who has been slipping up. I've been feeling crummy, too, and my energy levels, although still somewhat high, are lagging behind. It seems like I've been gaining, losing, regaining, the same eight pounds for a year now. All because I can't put down the chocolate or the pecan pie. Yeah...it's okay to have a slice here or there. But my "here or there" has been coming about two or three times a week!!
A Spark friend uses the term, "Just shut up and sweat!" He's got the right idea. Quit belly achin' about it and just close your mouth and get to it. Looks like it's my turn now.
Okay, before signing off for now, I just want to share one more pic of me. That is my mother on the left. She is the angel that came to take me as her daughter two weeks into my life. I think she would be proud of the way I've been living my life now. In fact, I know she is...
God bless you all. You are loved. Big time!
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
I got a great walk in early this a.m. and decided to go rummage around in the attic. It's been a long time since I've been up there. Like years? The possibility of finding some old photo albums aided me in overcoming my fear of "something" living up there and biting the tar out of me. So, after smashing a few of my toes with the ladder, I crawled through the door of the ceiling and looked around hesitantly. Wow. Once I saw the cedar chests and boxes stacked neatly around, I couldn't wait to dig in. So many years of accumulated "treasures" beckoned me and I felt my heart begin to race.
I saw my old roller skates hanging on a nail on the wall and I immediately tossed them through the door, hearing them "clunk" and "clank" on the floor below. Opening the top to one of the chests I immediately saw my Dad's World War II medals. Sitting on the floor I picked up each one and held them in my palms...he was a Prisoner of War, ya know. A paratrooper in the U.S. Army. Once he retired from the service he worked on the railroad. I have precious memories of him...he passed away when I was three but I remember him coming home from work and grabbing me up in his arms. Before bed every night he would brush my hair and sing to me. Next to those were photo albums, very old ones, of my grandfather and grandmother. They were huge travelers. They had this giant silver RV that went everywhere from the west to east coast and she had the most awful collection of sea shells and little tin trays with pictures painted on them. I laughed when I saw the picture of Grandma hiking her skirt up just above her knee and Grandpa touching it and grinning like a cheshire cat. He knew he had a sexy mama. :)
The more I looked around, I became a little nostalgic for the past years. I had boxes upon boxes of my kids school papers and little crafty things that they had made me over the years. Their hands were permanently imprinted in molds and painted a variety of colors with the little labels, although somewhat faded, of the year they were made in. Little faces glued on Christmas bulbs. Little faces glued on rocks that were bathed in psychedelic glitter. Little faces glued on everything that anything could be glued on...sigh. I found some of their old toys, too. Breanna's Barbies looked as if they had a terrible rough life. Some were given haircuts, Crayola marker makeovers and tattoos in the oddest places of the oddest things. But I had kept them. Even the Ken who was wearing Barbie's bikini. (What is it with this family and wanting men to look like women???)
I found Paul's old student microscope and his little trousers. Breanna's baby shoes and dresses. My gosh, so much stuff in such a little amount of time. Why does life seem so long at times but in retrospect seem so short? It just seemed like yesterday Brian and I went to the Scorpions concert and I accidentally busted his chin with my gyrating-pumping-to-the-beat moves. I felt so bad that I bought him this Scorpions t-shirt.
Other things just didn't make sense to me. Why were Spiegel catalogues up here? Do they even make Spiegel catalogues anymore? And why did I keep that old Halloween costume from my senior year? I was the Bride of Frankenstein. (Please. No, smart aleck remarks here. Brian gives me enough of those already.) It was then I also ran across something else that I am deeeeply ashamed of. I could barely look at them with both eyes. In fact I closed one eye and glanced at them intermittently and from a side angle.
My "X-Files" Mulder and Scully dolls. They were still in their packages because I was sure they would be worth something some day. And beneath them were my VHS tapes of every episode of the show. I had an incredible crush on David Duchovny at the time. Ewww. Just....ewwwww, okay? I can't begin to tell you how disturbed I feel right now.
8-tracks, cassette tapes, vinyl, it was all there. An old record player to play them on. Credence Clearwater Revival 45s and yearbooks from days gone by. An old iron and ironing board. Tools. (TOOLS!!!!??! Throwing them through the door in the floor, I was gleefully reminded that finders are keepers!) Pots and pans, an old vacuum cleaner and a spittoon. Yes. A spittoon.
That's just one side. I had to get down from there so I could make lunch (and hide my tools!) before Brian came back in. OH! And remind me later to ask Brian why there is a stack of 1970s and early 80s Playboys next to the old dehumidifier up there? He isn't getting much for dinner. I can tell you that.
Off to try out my skates. If you don't hear from me in a few days you know I'm in a sling somewhere, grinning from ear-to-ear because it was fun while it lasted. Pretty amazing how memories can suddenly give you a Spark of energy, huh? I wonder how many calories you burn roller skating?
Have a great day, Sparkloves. God bless you! Abundantly. Over and over again.
Monday, August 13, 2012
The last few days have been beautiful chaos for me. I was able to get so much accomplished in my department at work and it gives me GREAT satisfaction to be part of such a hard-working team. Without them, I would not have been able to pull off the tasks assigned and call them a complete success. Not the type of person to just carry a clipboard and delegate these tasks between them, I got knee-deep in with them and, well, made myself stiff and sore!
Today I'm off. I miss it. A couple of my coworkers have already called me and updated me on the progress of my modular changes and have asked me key questions about moving forward in certain areas. I'm almost sorry that I am leaving now. And John, my pharmacy manager, called to remind me of coming in Friday morning for him. I had to giggle a little. As if.
I indulged in a little of R & R this morning. I slept in, did a lazy stretch upon awakening and allowed the sun coming through the slats of my blind to warm my face. Then I smiled. Then I texted Bre. Then I got up with intentions of going to the recliner and busying myself with the remote control. Then I saw these.
Staring at them, I scratched my head. Then I promptly sneezed about four or five times. I am pretty sure they are weeds but my heart suddenly jerked with the realization that my husband picked them for me. (Uhhh-chooo.) I looked for him everywhere, but no Brian. (Uhhh-chooo.) Just as I was about to call his cell (Uhhh-chooo, uhhh-chooo) he walked in the door dirty, sweaty and out of breath.
"I'm up on the hill clearing out that brush...what are we eating today?"
"Whatsa matter with you? Getting sick?"
"No. I just got a little dust up my nose. Did you pick the flowers for me????"
For the first time in a long time I saw him blush a little. Putting his hands on his hips to look "all manly" he did a quick nod and changed the subject.
"Well. Get dressed a little and do something with your bed head. Can't have you goin' in public like that. I've got a reputation to uphold here as having a gorgeous wife."
Smiling, I put my arms around his waist. "What's the occasion?"
"Nothing. Just a little proud of you, is all."
And with that he was back out the door.
I couldn't tell him they were just weeds.
They really aren't anyways. He made them into the some of the most beautiful flowers I've seen in awhile...
Wednesday I return to work to finish out my current position then Friday begins my new chapter. I am excited and, in the midst of the chaos, I am content. Do I dare say even a little peaceful? Perhaps chaos compliments my ever-churning mind? I don't know but I wish I could bottle it like I did the sands of the beach I turn to every now and then to remind me of God's gracefulness.
God bless you all today. (Uhhh-chooo!) You are loved! Thank you for all of your support and prayers. You have made a difference in my life!
Thursday, August 09, 2012
Everyone that knows me, knows I wear my heart on my sleeve. When God made me He didn't give me any filters in that area, at least I don't think so. I've tried to shush my inner wonderings, workings, questions about life. I've tried to be reserved and "normal," more times than I can count, but then I wake at 2 a.m. either giddy from excitement or reading His Word, trying to find answers or reassurances. I have learned that I cannot stop being who I am, no matter how hard I try, and there are times I really wonder if that is a blessing or a curse.
Am I a good person? Am I really? Am I capable of being a good mother, wife, friend, servant of God? And am I capable of doing this promotion that I received? I look back over the last few years and see where I have fallen short. And with that, I have seen people that I love so very much leave either by death or choice and it hurts to the very core of my soul. I am afraid. I am afraid of losing more loved ones. I am afraid of failing. Perhaps right now I am going through a period of self-doubt like everyone does at some point, yet I am incredibly hard on myself. I recognize that. I know who I am and why I do it but it doesn't make it any easier.
I miss Bre. I miss my youngest son who decided to make choices that were detrimental to his well-being and not contact home. I miss my brother who went Home to be with our Lord. I could go on but I won't. It doesn't serve any purpose but to make others feel bad or myself worse. I know that things happen for a reason but again...it doesn't make it any easier. Nor should it. God allows these things so it will make us stronger. Somehow. Someway. That is my purpose right now...to get to "somehow" and "someway."
I ask for your prayers right now so that I may get back to being your good SparkFriend. So that I may look in my mirror and feel worthy of that friendship. I want to be able to love without smothering, with peace and a gentle calmness. To be able to throw the doubts aside and trust. Trust, especially in myself, is not coming easy right now. Self-worth is also at stake.
Thank you for allowing me to express my concerns. For me, blogging is therapeutic and I never do it for pity or for a stroke to my ego. I do it because it helps me to sort out the good from the bad and MAYBE to just make sure I am normal. I don't know. But, I do know that I don't have to do it alone because I am never TRULY alone as long as I keep God by my side. Let me rephrase that...I am never truly alone as long as I recognize God is at my side, even if I can't "see" Him at the time. He never leaves. Never.
I wish you all a good day from the bottom of my heart. You truly mean very much to me and since joining this site I have felt like I have belonged to something greater than myself. You are all wonderful people and I am so very thankful for you, each and every one of you. You bring a brightness to my day that is immeasurable.
God bless you so much. You are loved. So very much.
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