Thursday, August 09, 2012
Everyone that knows me, knows I wear my heart on my sleeve. When God made me He didn't give me any filters in that area, at least I don't think so. I've tried to shush my inner wonderings, workings, questions about life. I've tried to be reserved and "normal," more times than I can count, but then I wake at 2 a.m. either giddy from excitement or reading His Word, trying to find answers or reassurances. I have learned that I cannot stop being who I am, no matter how hard I try, and there are times I really wonder if that is a blessing or a curse.
Am I a good person? Am I really? Am I capable of being a good mother, wife, friend, servant of God? And am I capable of doing this promotion that I received? I look back over the last few years and see where I have fallen short. And with that, I have seen people that I love so very much leave either by death or choice and it hurts to the very core of my soul. I am afraid. I am afraid of losing more loved ones. I am afraid of failing. Perhaps right now I am going through a period of self-doubt like everyone does at some point, yet I am incredibly hard on myself. I recognize that. I know who I am and why I do it but it doesn't make it any easier.
I miss Bre. I miss my youngest son who decided to make choices that were detrimental to his well-being and not contact home. I miss my brother who went Home to be with our Lord. I could go on but I won't. It doesn't serve any purpose but to make others feel bad or myself worse. I know that things happen for a reason but again...it doesn't make it any easier. Nor should it. God allows these things so it will make us stronger. Somehow. Someway. That is my purpose right now...to get to "somehow" and "someway."
I ask for your prayers right now so that I may get back to being your good SparkFriend. So that I may look in my mirror and feel worthy of that friendship. I want to be able to love without smothering, with peace and a gentle calmness. To be able to throw the doubts aside and trust. Trust, especially in myself, is not coming easy right now. Self-worth is also at stake.
Thank you for allowing me to express my concerns. For me, blogging is therapeutic and I never do it for pity or for a stroke to my ego. I do it because it helps me to sort out the good from the bad and MAYBE to just make sure I am normal. I don't know. But, I do know that I don't have to do it alone because I am never TRULY alone as long as I keep God by my side. Let me rephrase that...I am never truly alone as long as I recognize God is at my side, even if I can't "see" Him at the time. He never leaves. Never.
I wish you all a good day from the bottom of my heart. You truly mean very much to me and since joining this site I have felt like I have belonged to something greater than myself. You are all wonderful people and I am so very thankful for you, each and every one of you. You bring a brightness to my day that is immeasurable.
God bless you so much. You are loved. So very much.
Tuesday, August 07, 2012
Well, it's on. Totally break-neck-speed on. I've done everything now that the pharmacy division wants done so now I wait. My manager told me this a.m. that John, the pharmacy manager, has aggravated the snot out of her to get me replaced a.s.a.p. so he can attain me. She seemed perturbed. Her explanation was that she was not in any hurry to lose me and he needed to back off or lose a finger or two.
Feels good to know that I'm valued enough that there could be bloodshed. Boosts my ego, sadly. I even asked if I could watch.
Last night I was a little down from missing Bre. It's only been a few days but her texts and phone calls were telling me that she was unusually homesick so I spontaneously jumped in my truck and made my way northeast. This is what was waiting for me...
She was at her hizzle. Chillin'. And why is "explosives" written on the grocery list above her whereabouts???
This must be her hizzle. Mental note: hizzle=picnic table behind her apartment. What a drama mama.
It was nice sitting outside talking to my girl. She seemed relaxed, content. We got caught up on the last few days. She is excited about the pool that they are putting in right behind her place even though I don't understand why. Like her momma, she is afraid of water. So I guess she thinks like I do. For what she is paying for rent it oughtta come with everything. Like spa, pool, gym, and Gerard Butler. I would travel up every single day for...the spa. Cough, cough.
And on top of all this great news, I am anxiously awaiting my trip south. I've even started packing although we aren't scheduled to leave until the end of September. We are only taking a carry-on, too, so I may be jumping the gun but Lord knows I need to get away. It's been a whirlwind of ups and downs lately and I need to replenish, rejuvenate, re-evaluate. The first think I'm going to do there is run full-speed in my bare feet to the edge of the ocean waves and take a deeeeeep breath. I swear, there I believe I can touch the face of God.
I'm thankful for my life. Thankful for my beautiful daughter, my dear friends, my family. I may not have the best of luck all the time but I'm learning what REALLY matters. I'm learning, too, to take opportunities by the horns. So, I guess that means looking forward with hope and faith. Not trepidation. It's difficult at times, yes. Life has handed us all some sour grapes and a giant lemon here or there. But it pays to wait for the good days and they will surely come. Within them are blessings to carry us during the bad days...
Okay. Gotta get ready for work. Then tonight I'm going to get home and relax. Or should I say, in the words of my daughter, get chillin' in my hizzle? Either way...
God bless you all today. You are loved.
Sunday, August 05, 2012
I'm getting excited about the thought. There are times I think I can still smell the salty oceanic air from last year. I have to admit, sometimes I sneak into my closet and open up the water bottle that I stuffed sand into last year. I pour a little on my hand and feel the granules on my palms and even sniff it with a starry-eyed smile. So many beautiful memories there with my two sisters and niece. (Some a little blurry from the watermelon my sister laced with an alcoholic beverage. It tasted a little tangy but as the younger sister and more gullible, I believed them when they said Florida watermelons were SUPPOSED to taste like that and the more you eat, you can hear the ocean.)
There are going to be differences this year, though. Instead of driving, we are flying. Amen to that. (I loooove flying.) Again, as the younger sister, last year I was the one nominated to sit in the back between the mountainous suitcases, picnic basket, coolers and trash bags full of empty pop cans and Little Debbie wrappers. I was so buried, there was a time we went through the drive-thru to get something to eat and they forgot me. They told me they would get me the next time around. Breakfast. ("Here, Michelle, eat this Slim Jim. It should still be good.") When I protested I could not find my seat belt before peeling out onto the interstate, they said, "Suck it up. You're not going anywhere." and I had to agree. Kinda hard to fly through the windshield when the niece you picked up in Alabama has squeezed you into a two-inch slit between her suitcases and the door jam. (The window still has my nostril prints on it.)
I learned that I could not sleep in the back seat either. First of all, there was no way to lie down. I found a semi-comfortable spot between the shoe bags and cosmetic cases, making a conscious effort to relax my neck muscles. Just as I started to doze off, my sister slammed on the brakes to avoid hitting a driver who cut us off. My head flew forward into the back of the front seat. I don't know how or why but one of my false eyelashes twisted off and went up my left nostril. Between the chaos of choice words from Marie and the flying middle finger of Becky, the GPS Lady kept saying, "Turn left. Turn left. Turn left." To which we all screamed, "OH SHUT UP!!!" My eyes barely blinked the next fifty miles. It felt like I had received an I.V. of twenty cups of coffee and someone or something had sprayed caffeine directly into my eyes.
The leg cramps were horrible. The country music was getting twangy-er by the hour. I had begun to see images in the backs of my sisters' heads like you do when you lie on the grass and look for animals in the clouds. I began feeling like GPS Lady was family and each time she told us a new route to go I said, "Aww, bless her heart."
But this year, alas, we are traveling by air. My sisters are nervous about it as they have never flown before. That will be interesting. They each have called me several times to get the inside scoop on what it feels like to drift in and out of the clouds. After the initial shock of my telling them they will be strip-searched (for security reasons) and that turbulence feels like a bad roller coaster ride on acid, they have bought enough dramamine to knock out an elephant. Hee hee. I know. My bad. But it just feels necessary. (I even reminded them of the Twilight show with William Shatner that portrayed the thing straddling the wing of the plane, throwing things into the engine. They didn't crack a smile. Apparently they didn't like that episode.)
Ohhhhhh, they will be fine. Once we land I may have to push them through the airport on the luggage rack, but they will be OKAY! I will even be nice and let one of them have my window seat on the way there. See? That's what I will tell them. "See? Down there. Waaaaay down there. Way waaaay down there. Aren't you glad we didn't drive? I AM!!"
Have a beautiful Sunday, folks. God bless you all. You are loved.
Friday, August 03, 2012
Bre woke me this morning. Before my alarm had a chance to go off, I felt a gentle stroke to my cheek and an angel whisper of, "Momma..." Opening my eyes, I gazed at the most beautiful face in the world, a face smiling and reaping of compassion and wonderment. I couldn't help but lie there and take her in. She sat down on the bed beside me and took my hand as I looked at her big brown eyes, framed by wavy brown hair that wisped around her cheeks like gentle hugs. Then I remembered...
Today is the day.
Today she moves back to Athens into her very own apartment. She is excited. The look on her face is one of happiness but there is a hesitant sorrow in there. Perhaps she doesn't want to leave her mother. Perhaps she is a trifle scared. But she is courageous. Anxious to begin her independence with a vengeance. And she WANTS to go. No matter how difficult it is on me or her, she longs to go and get busy with her life. I sense that she is afraid to tell me so, afraid of hurting my feelings. I cannot have that. So, through my tear-blurred eyes, I smile widely, broadly, take her other hand in my own, squeeze gently and nod.
"Are you ready, baby?"
"Yes, Momma. I think so. I think I am."
"Then let's hit it. Full speed ahead. Come show me what you got!"
Full speed indeed. It seemed as if a whirlwind struck our house with packing and loading and squeezing things in places that probably shouldn't have been squeezed. Then the journey northeast began. Bre and her boyfriend Cory followed me on the highway as I checked my rearview mirror religiously. In between the lines, check. Speed limit obeyed, check. Are they rocking out to Breaking Benjamin? Check.
Once there, we unloaded and began the tedious journey to her fourth floor apartment. Every so often Bre would stop and look at me as I climbed the stairs, either to make sure I was okay or to signal me to hurry. But more importantly, to me, at times she would walk beside me and look at me with eyes wide, wise and wonderful. Sometimes she would take her fingers and graze my arm and caress me. A comforting measure I used on all of my babies that she has adopted as her own.
I love her so.
I miss her so. Already.
But I did get some pictures. The following were taken with my phone so some are blurry, but I wanted to share my day with you. And I wanted to share why Bre was so proud. Her apartment is small but it is hers. To her it is her castle and she is the princess....
Okay, this is Cory, Bre's boyfriend. At this point, it is cool that I am taking pictures, so no look of utter annoyance.
The living room. I have no stinking idea where the Bud Light box came from. But you better believe I grabbed that sucker and shook the living daylights out of it. No beer inside. Just a bunch of Spaghettios. And a shower curtain.
The living room after the futon resurrection. And that is where I knelt to pray when I saw all of the cable cords, Cory's manuals and screwdriver.
The kitchen. Something tells me it's not going to look much different two weeks from now. But they did get a chewing for setting all of that stuff on the stove. I made sure they had the fire department's number memorized before I left.
Break time. Bre, get on the balcony...
Now pose with your boyfriend and roommate. Yes. Roommate is a guy. Evan. But no worries. Evan has been a lifelong friend. And Evan is rich. So Evan is totally cool. To all of us!
Let's go to the store. Say cheese! Then go buy some!
Let's get back and clean up the kitchen for now. You're not going to be able to eat the pizza rolls until you do.
Yes, Cory, Bre really did say she was making salad instead. Sorry, buddy. Not my place to tell her what to do...
Since you guys got a handle on everything, it's time for me to go. I will miss you. Show me that you will be okay. Okay?
I kissed my baby goodbye, climbed into my truck and turned the ignition. I glanced up and saw them sitting side-by-side on the front steps, forehead to forehead, smiling, whispering and holding one another. I couldn't help but smile myself as I put the truck in reverse, slowly pulling out of the parking space. Bre glanced up and I caught her smile, partly for me, partly for something that he said. I waved and she stood up, waving cheerfully, bouncing a little on her tippy-toes and I caught a small glimpse of the little girl that she once was. I kept going, even though my heart wanted to slam on the breaks and run full-speed towards her once more.
It hurt not to. It felt like my heart would burst from not doing so.
And just as I was about ready to do it, I saw them take each other's hand and walk into the building. Together.
This is what it feels like to let go. For real this time. Knowing that there are others who love and adore your baby just like you do. Knowing that your daughter has enough love in her heart for someone else, just like she does for you. Sometimes you have to let the slack out of the strings completely. You won't let them go all the way because they are permanently tethered to you, but you have to let them go enough so that she can fly, uninhibited, exploring, searching, growing.
Trusting. That is what I am doing. Having faith. In my God. Who loves her just as much, if not MORE, as I do. To watch over her and cradle her in His arms, to protect her, guide her, instruct her, hold onto her as she journeys through this life...
"Are you ready, baby?"
"Yes, Momma. I think so. I think I am."
"Then let's hit it. Full speed ahead."
Get An Email Alert Each Time STEELKICKIN Posts