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Loving Thyself...

Thursday, December 01, 2011

It's difficult to forgive others at times when you feel they have wronged you in some way. But I have ultimately been able to do so, sometimes almost immediately when I realize THEY feel terrible and are really sincere in their apologies. Sometimes I've even been able to forgive them when they DON'T apologize. I've always believed in the simple fact that we are human and we are not perfect. We do things that hurt others. It's a given. So I forgive. If I did something that has hurt the ones I love, I would want them to forgive me, too. And I have. And they have forgiven me.

The thing that I struggle with MOST in my walk of self-discovery is forgiveness of self. I am willing to extend it, open-armed, whole-heartedly, to others, so why is it so difficult to extend to myself??? (I think we all have a problem with it to SOME extent.) It is the little pebble in my shoe that keeps hitting the tender spot when I try to walk through life. I am not proud of some of the decisions I've made in my life, maybe some more than others, and at times, it is the catalyst that makes me want to shut down, hide from the world and seek refuge in silence.

But I promised you that I would not do that anymore.

So I am here, baring my soul, showing you the struggle in my heart tonight. I came face-to-face today with a very bad decision I made not too long ago. (Funny thing about mistakes...they always seem to show up eventually and make you look them square in the face for an explanation or just to gloat...) It reared its ugly face and brought back emotions that I had long thought passed. I once again felt like dirt, felt disgrace and shame. I didn't know whether to cry or to scream in anger. Some mistakes are like that, you know. They pester you, just when you think the coast is clear. They show up unannounced to remind you that you had it in you to do the time.

I came home this evening from work and showered. Then I spent alot of time on my knees. I still do that, especially when my heart is in turmoil. It just makes me feel closer to God. I can envision myself kneeling beside His lap, His loving hands holding my head, listening to my every word. And sometimes, it just feels so good to be there that I stay there for awhile, allowing Him to quiet my heart and settle my shaking soul. I prayed and prayed. Then I prayed some more. I asked Him to help me to forgive myself, to help me love myself a little more, to show me the past is gone and all that is left is my future.

It helped some. Okay, maybe it helped even more that I realize. But God has HIS's not when WE think it should happen. Maybe the pain doesn't go away so quickly nor the remorse. Perhaps it should never go away to serve as a reminder, as a lesson learned. But the forgiveness factor...we should learn to do that. Blaming ourselves, putting ourselves down, does not heal us or help us to get through the pain. It hinders our growth.

I need to learn to forgive myself. YOU need to learn to forgive yourself for YOUR mistakes.

The simple fact is, if you ask, GOD ALREADY HAS.

So I'm on my way. Shakily at first. But if I continue to walk with Him, allowing Him to guide my way through this crazy, chaotic life, my steps will become a little more steadier. I choose to take hold of His hand and allow His love to be my beacon, my light to a brighter tomorrow. I choose to rest in His loving arms when I fall and allow His compassion to heal me. I choose to seek refuge in His tender grace, not in silence. Not in running away. I choose to stand firmly. To stand up for me. For you. For all of us.

I love you all...with all of my heart.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KATVHALE 12/6/2011 6:29PM

    We all make mistakes and should immediately seek forgiveness and then repent. God does forgive and forget so why can't we forgive ourselves? We are human and we know that our mistakes hurt others who sometimes can't forgive us. Our mistakes affect so many other people and circumstances. That is why we need to think through everything we do and take everything to God before we commit the sin! If we could all go to God first, what a better live we would all be living because we submitted to Him and listened to Him and obeyed Him!

That is the key..... God Bless Us All!


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HISFREESPIRIT 12/6/2011 1:16AM


If our Heavenly Father can forgive us then we have no right to beat ourselves up over what He has forgotten. We learn from our mistakes, ask forgiveness and move on.

Your blog has spoken to my emoticon


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TRENTDREAMER 12/4/2011 11:18AM


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CARTOONB 12/1/2011 10:35PM

    Sounds like you are heading in the right direction. I know you'll make it.

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GEEMAWEST 12/1/2011 9:14PM

    I also have trouble forgiving myself yet I can usually forgive others easily. I am so much harder on myself.

I pray that you get through this 'rough patch' in your life without too much difficulty.

Peace my friend, Peace.

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DARLENEK04 12/1/2011 1:39PM

  Amen punkin..........I have struggled with this myself,
and finally ........ David was the one who made me see
what I was doing was wrong.
If I am sincere in asking God forgiveness for whatever
I have done, then God Himself forgives and it is out of
His mind forever.
I am not going to disrespect Him by using my forgiven
sin to beat myself over and over.
If HE is good enough to forgive me, then who am I to
continue to torment myself with that????????


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LIZZYP609 12/1/2011 12:44PM

    I think you are all too right...mistakes are like bad pennies. I try to remember that they don't reappear to give me heartache and to beat myself up all over again, but as reminders. To look that mistake square in the face and say "I remember how you made me feel, I will NOT do that again." Does it stop the shame and emotions? No, but each time I am face to face with it, I feel stronger both physically and emotionally. Self-Forgiveness can be a long road. I am still on my road for a mistake a made more than two years ago, even though my loved ones and my God already have forgiven me. I am confident I will get there. So will YOU!

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SKMINNY 12/1/2011 12:16PM

    hey here i was feeling sorry for myself and just cruising the sp blogs to read stuff and found yours.. just what i need to do is to let go and let god handle the stuff.. I feel mad about my brother causing so much grief and trouble with my parents that they won't talk to me , for my sister who took sides as usual, and i feel depressed that i don't want to be the one to toss out that olive branch.. and just sad that it happened at all, ..

I am peace loving, non confrontational, easy going person with a broken heart... so its gonna be a wild december! emoticon

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LMB-ESQ 12/1/2011 7:32AM

    I never know how to respond to these blogs. You know I don't possess the same kind of faith as you. Yet, I can almost always empathize. I think that's one reason why I am always so fascinated with what you write. How can two people coming from such different directions have so much in common?

I have often wondered myself why it is so hard to forgive myself my mistakes when others have no trouble doing so. I think it's just because we, as humans, are always harder on ourselves than anyone else could possibly be. What does it take to let go of that? You are doing it by recognizing that god has forgiven you and will continue to forgive you. I do it by realizing that every other human on earth is in the same boat as me. They are too concerned about their own forgiveness to be worried about mine. Frankly, nobody else cares that I've made a mistake. They still simply take me as I am, for good or for bad. A lot of that is simply being a grown-up, some of it is not caring what anyone else thinks about me, much of it is my own need to simply be a good person. My way may be more cynical than yours, but I think it gets us both to the same place.

Another great blog, as usual... glad you're hanging in there! emoticon

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MUSIC66 12/1/2011 4:06AM

    great blog.

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GETTINGFIT4HIM 12/1/2011 2:44AM

  Love the message and image of resting with our heavenly Father. Such a loving, warm image. One I often have myself as I tend to picture Him as my Daddy. You are a very brave soul to bare yourself so openly and honestly which I trust will be a blessing to many others. emoticon emoticon

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CALIMAN1 12/1/2011 1:28AM

    That was a beautiful and honest blog...very touching...and what is incredible is every time that we stumble, He is there...hand outstretched...and often catches us before we even hit the ground. Now that is amazing grace, indeed. emoticon

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RUNJEWELRUN 12/1/2011 1:25AM

    Hugs! We love you too! I'm learning this lesson too :)

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A Good Thing...

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Well, I did it. I filled my plate this Thanksgiving and partook of the usual Thanksgiving grub and now I am in slight discomfort. I am almost looking forward to tomorrow when I return to work and will be able to walk most of these calories off and get back to my normal eating habits. I can't eat much at one time anymore because my stomach has shrank and any deviation from my routine reminds me that my body does NOT LIKE IT!

It's a good thing, though. It keeps me in check. Although I only had a few tablespoons of this and that, it wasn't exactly "good-for-you" food and my stomach has voiced its discomfort quite loudly and obnoxiously. I'm also very sleepy and have taken a nap but I quite honestly feel "hung over." Enough for me. There's not going to be any second helpings or thoughtless eating or eating-just-to-eat anymore today. Tomorrow is a new day and my usual way of getting back to the foods that make my stomach feel clean. I really can't wait. TRULY.

Bre is here and my oldest daughter Brook and grandson Dylan visited with her fiancee. My brothers-in-law were both here as well so it was a very nice time. Paul still has decided to not come or call but the day is not over yet so I hold up hope that he will still show. I'm trying not to allow it to govern my day. He is an adult and knows where home is. It is his choice if he comes or not...but a mother's heart is set in its ways. You can't tell it not to hurt when it comes to her children. It just does. But I am remaining optimistic and place him in the hands of God.

I hope that you all had an amazing Thanksgiving as well! I hope that this day has been a blessing to each and every one of you and I look forward to getting back on the bandwagon with you with exercise and nutritious eating! We've had our day of fun so let's get crackin' with our commitments once again! Tomorrow is a brand new day and full of opportunities to do our bodies, minds and hearts good. Also, today, as well as everyday, let's remember the less fortunate ones in our prayers. If we are able, let's do something, reach out to them and make their day a little brighter. (I fixed our neighbor, a disabled gentleman who lives just down the road from us, a plate of food and spent some time with him earlier. A small gesture but it may be the only Thanksgiving meal and fellowship that he has this year...)

And most importantly, let's give thanks for our lives and the opportunities that we have to enrich it. That's really what this day is all about anyways, isn't it? The food is only the smallest part of it. The fact is, today is the day to enjoy our family, our friends and to celebrate the fact that God loves each and everyone of us! If it weren't for Him, we wouldn't have this day. Let's be thankful that He died on that cross for us so that we may have abundant life. And a heaven to go to after this life is over! :)

Happy happy day, dear friends. May we, as the sons and daughters of God, gather together in spirit so that we become more like Him! Let's become a reflection of His heart, His nature, His character to ALL those that we encounter in this world.

I love you all. Abundantly.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KATVHALE 12/6/2011 6:22PM

    Happy to hear that you had a good day. I was sailing in the Caribbean on Thanksgiving and DH and I had an intimate dinner at a specialty restaurant on the ship.


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FLYER99 11/30/2011 9:49AM

    Michelle, what a wonderful blog. Much love to you as well and have a wonderful day! Bob.

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GEEMAWEST 11/26/2011 8:27PM

    Love and Hugs sent your way, my dear friend.

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JOHNTJ1 11/26/2011 7:32AM

    Love you also good friend.........

Much Love


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DARLENEK04 11/25/2011 7:58PM

  M I C H E L L E ,


I am happy you had a good day with lots of company
and still found time to share with your neighbor who
was alone.

Bless you,

PS: We were able to help the 2 brothers who live
across the street, one has a couple of brain tumors,
and the other just lost his job. Looks like they are
going to get evicted...their landlord is a spoiled
rotten brat....

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OLDERDANDRT 11/25/2011 2:08PM

    Love you, too, Michelle! God bless you! emoticon

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LMB-ESQ 11/25/2011 11:06AM

    We love you too Michelle! Happy Thanksgiving!

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HISFREESPIRIT 11/25/2011 1:51AM

    Thanking God with you for all His wonderful blessings to us, especially His plan of Salvation so that we could one day spend eternity with Him.


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CARTOONB 11/24/2011 9:47PM

    Happy Thanksgiving to you as well. Sounds like you had a mostly good day and I hope Paul visits. If he doesnt, know that he still loves you. How can he not? You're the bestest mom ever...after me, of course. emoticon

Have fun with the Black Friday shoppers tomorrow!

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CHERIRIDDELL 11/24/2011 6:26PM

    A very Happy Thanksgiving to you Michelle I am thankful to be able to call you friend.I too am feeling a bit overrstuffed but tomorrow I will be back to eating hralthy ! I love your Christmas page ,blue is my favourite colour!

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I Did It! Now To Stick With It!

Sunday, November 20, 2011

I realized a few days ago that since joining SparkPeople in 2009 that I have lost over 77 pounds. I never had it in me to post a picture of me when I was at my all-time high and I probably never will. At 5'3" I was a pretty big girl and, at 206 pounds, I was as wide as I was tall. (The thing about the women in my family, we are all short while my brothers are 6' and above. They can eat like there is no tomorrow. We girls can, too, but it just shows up on our waists alot easier than it does theirs.)

I am looking at Thanksgiving square in the face and have gained five pounds in the last three weeks. My eating habits have started to go all over the place and amidst the running around at my job, I will grab a candy bar at work for my lunch. Every now and then shouldn't hurt me but when I cleaned out the pocket on my truck door, I think I found about seven Reese's Cup wrappers. That's not good! That needs to change! I've also found myself buying Sara Lee Pecan Pies as well and have realized that no matter HOW MUCH I may walk at work, it will not cancel out the bad things I have been putting into my body. It could explain why I'm struggling with fatigue more. So being thinner does not guarantee good health...I still have to watch what I put in so I can get good return out on my energy and alertness. But I love Reese's and Sara Lee so...sigh.

I will be echoing everybody's cry this Thanksgiving...after the holidays I am going to buckle down. With Bre home, it shouldn't be that difficult. She is a nut when it comes to what she puts into her body and loves physical fitness. She will be my spotter and will help me get back into the mind frame of well-being. I am super excited!! (Tuesday is the day she will be here...and here she will remain until the first of the year. OUs quarters are weird like that, getting the whole month of December off, but I'M NOT COMPLAINING, haha. I have missed her! And I'm so psyched to see her!)

So first things first. No more Reese's. Maybe a banana and a little carton of milk for my lunch. And the pies can just take a hike. Well, maybe after Thanksgiving. I plan on eating what I want that day. I'm not going to throw caution to the wind and go all out but I will have a little of this and that. I usually can't eat a lot at one time anyway. But after that, it's back to tracking. I am going to take up an offer with one of my friends at work, too, by going to the gym together. I may have all the necessary equipment here to do what I need to do but I think having an exercise mate will make it more challenging and fun. Plus, it will help her as well!

I'm looking forward to being all I can be in 2012.

Because, daggone it, the time has come to have a GREAT year!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KATVHALE 12/6/2011 6:18PM

    You sound like me when it comes to Reese's and pies.... However, I weigh considerably more than you and believe me, the older you get the harder it is to get it off! I go to the gym and walk and I don't lose weight...

Have a great time with Beanie and just eat in moderation!


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USFBULL 11/28/2011 11:43AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JOHNTJ1 11/28/2011 10:45AM

    Dearest Michelle

You already ARE all that you can be in the eyes of God. (So am I) The trick becomes to see ourselves the way God sees us.

I too have struggled for awhile and it dawned on me this morning that I joined Spark on December 14. I was able to lose thirteen pounds by the end on December that year. I sat back and amazed my own little chubby self for a few minutes. I did the impossible during the impossible time of year.

So can you

Much Love


PS Thanks for the motivation Michelle

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OLDERDANDRT 11/23/2011 6:29PM

    You are so beautiful! I've known for a long time that you are beautiful on the inside! Now I have confirmation that you are also beautiful on the outside, too!!! (No, I knew it. But wow! Bre looks alot like you!! Lucky kid!) emoticon

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LMB-ESQ 11/23/2011 5:25PM

    Nice pic! I had no idea you had lost that much weight... you look great! Enjoy your holiday and enjoy your daughter!

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CARTOONB 11/22/2011 10:28PM

    A banana and a milk for lunch? Add a sandwich and you have lunch. Hope you can find quick, easy, healthy foods for lunches...and that the pies stay at the store.

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THEBOOKBINDER 11/22/2011 4:06PM

    Great blog, Keep it up we are all here for you!!!!!!!!!!!!

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67CAMARO_SS 11/22/2011 6:31AM

    Congrats on all of your success & here's to continued health & happiness! You look great! You know how to make good, healthy choices, & you realize that maintaining this lifestyle isn't always easy....but it's always worth it....YOU are worth it! Keep up the great job, & keep sparking girl!!!
June :)

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DARLENEK04 11/21/2011 8:00PM

  Hey, you have come so far squirt......why would you put
pecan pies and Reeses in that body???? That definitely
is not going to help you help your health.....
C'mon punkin, have a good Thanksgiving, enjoy and get
back on the health wagon.
Don't make me come up there............................LO
Give Bre a hug for me...


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CHRIS3215 11/21/2011 10:09AM

    emoticon & You got all of us here..
YUP the Banana is always a better choice.
BUT glad Bre, is home for the Holidays!!
Have a Fantastic Thanksgiving!!!

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FLEMIDG 11/21/2011 12:27AM

    So glad you will be getting to spend a lot of time with your daughter. Enjoy your time together. You will get yourself back on track. I know you will. You have such determination. Have a wonderful week.

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TRENTDREAMER 11/20/2011 8:12PM

    Congrats on your progress.

Glad to hear that you get to spend the month with your duaghter.

Hope you have a great week.

Thanks for the comment on my page. It was a good weekend but a tough evening tonight.

Thanks for being a friend :)

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DGAIL51 11/20/2011 8:02PM

    Sounds like you have it figured out. Sometimes I eat one of those high protein chocolate bars which make a great lunch, especially with hot tea. There are several good ones out there, Atkins is what I started with but have tried several that are good. They will not compare to a Reeses, but oh well, you get the protein to help tide you over until a real meal!

Good blog, good job..... congratulations!

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VISUALLYRICS 11/20/2011 8:00PM

    What a terrific attitude you have! I just KNOW emoticon
Have a Blast with Bre....and enjoy the gym - I know I LOVE mine!
Yes! - 2012 is YOUR year!!

Would you consider joining the 5 % community Challenge Team?
They keep you on your toes through the holidays.

Here is a link...

You are so pretty!! Congrats on those 77#!!! ~ Laura

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SAC-6582 11/20/2011 7:09PM

    Great blog! I appreciate your honesty and being willing to share your struggles. You are more than able to do this.

Keep your focus and baby step your way to success.


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TANIKEYA 11/20/2011 6:55PM

    Good luck!

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EM1388 11/20/2011 6:54PM

    Sorry to hear about the struggles but it sounds like you have figured out what to do. Way to go on realizing what's going on and what you have to do to fix it!
Good luck with your goals!

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Home Sweet Home

Thursday, November 17, 2011

I want to get another blog out there before my work commences again tomorrow morning. My shifts are usually all over the place and my least favorite ones are the a.m. ones. I not saying that I'm not a morning person but I'm not saying that I AM either. When the alarm goes off it takes everything in me not to beat it with a nearby shoe...or my head. And what's really scary is the first glance in the 6 a.m. mirror. Trust me, it's not special OR heart-warming.

My homecoming here has felt final. The last time I left and returned I told myself that I was ready to commence but there was something still me. I tried to force it but my heart, well, it just wasn't in it. But a few days ago I woke up and something had just clicked. I had to get back. I had this pull within in my heart to come home to my SparkFamily. And here I am, reassuring my loves that I will never leave you again. I will never try to do it all on my own anymore. I will be here with open arms to all of you and will do my best to encourage, to love, to listen, to be that friend and sister that you have all been to me.

I am not proud of my actions nor am I going to make excuses for them. I left, out of pure selfishness and self-pity. Now I am promising to stay. PROMISING. Good days, bad days, ugh days, I am here. And after butting heads with my beautiful God so many times, I've come to the conclusion that He is more stubborn, more loving, more unwilling to give up than I am. When I gave up and allowed myself to run back into His arms, the journey was effortless. It is easier to run TOWARD God than away from Him.

So that being said, I'm keeping this short and sweet. I will find myself going to visit you all, as often as I can.

I just pray now that I don't crash my computer. That would suck. And my luck. That is the only thing that could keep me away. Or breaking all of my fingers. That would be my luck, too. But barring those two events, you are stuck with me from here on out.

I'll catch you all tomorrow night! Keep the SparkLight well lit, just as you have always done.

I love you all. Very much.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KRITTERKEEPERS 11/26/2011 12:46PM

    So very glad that you are back!

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OLDERDANDRT 11/23/2011 6:25PM

    (((((HUGS))))) emoticon emoticon (((((HUGS)))))

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TRENTDREAMER 11/19/2011 3:03PM

    "I had this pull within in my heart to come home to my SparkFamily. And here I am, reassuring my loves that I will never leave you again. I will never try to do it all on my own anymore. "
* As long as I'm on this site I will be there for you as much as you are willing to let me be.

If you ever need time off from spark, don't sweat it. We all need and take breaks sometimes.

Good to see you again :)

emoticon emoticon

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GETTINGFIT4HIM 11/19/2011 12:05AM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DARLENEK04 11/18/2011 8:23PM

  Love you squirt....missed ya........


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THEBOOKBINDER 11/18/2011 4:28PM

    Looking forward to it.

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LIZZYP609 11/18/2011 8:14AM

    I am so very glad you are back to stay!! I need you just as much as you need us all! emoticon

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CARTOONB 11/17/2011 10:09PM

    I'll hold you to that promise! And I'll bring G-Ma with me!

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LMB-ESQ 11/17/2011 9:38PM

    We love you too! emoticon emoticon

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DJ4HEALTH 11/17/2011 9:13PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticonYes just hold on to God and He will lead you!!

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Coming Clean

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Sometimes I just have to go. Sometimes I just have to turn my page offline, turn off my phone, turn off my brain, and just get away for awhile. To rethink my priorities, to rethink my beliefs and come to terms with the "way I am." I'm pretty sure you have realized I'm wired differently than most, a little eccentric, a little on the weird side. I really don't know how to change that. But maybe I shouldn't TRY to change that...after all, is IS ME. And I have been terribly hard on me for a long time now.

I'm putting it "all together" once and for all. My trip to Florida did alot to soften my state of mind and there are things that I am still practicing today to help me get through "tough" situations. I would like to go there again soon. I'm actually planning on a trip next summer's end with my sisters again so it's giving me something to look forward to. Another retreat for my soul. It was so good. So very very spiritually good for me...

I am struggling, once again, however. Perhaps it's best to just come clean and stop trying to appear perfect, to stop trying to be the pillar of strength. I am in angst about my youngest son, Paul. He is the one who just got out of prison this past year and began a new life, in a new town, with new friends. He was doing so well. He had many obstacles to overcome and he did, at first. I was so very proud and told him daily how his strength amazed me. It seemed to give him wings. Then suddenly he stopped calling. He did not answer his phone. For two and half months I was unable to talk to him, my letters came back, his former employers did not know his where-a-bouts. But a couple of his friends said he was doing fine, he needed to get away. They were not being honest. They were either protecting him or me when they said it...

A few weeks ago, he reappeared here at home. He looked good. I did not have the heart to convey how upset or angry I was at him for making me worry so much. I was just so happy to see him. I hugged him in my arms and kissed his soft cheeks and swallowed my tears as he held me tightly and told me how much he missed me. I finally asked him where he was, what was so important that he could not call me and let me know that he was okay.

He was in jail again. He would not tell me why. I did not pressure him to tell me what happened but told him that I was here for him when he wanted to talk. I even reminded him that things were not that bad that he had to "resort" to getting thrown in jail again, that I was ALWAYS here for him when things got "out of hand" or when he did not know what to do. Taking me in his arms, he explained that things were not always easily solved with a prayer or a smile and that there were things I just didn't understand. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, but all I could do was just let him hug me. Because I was afraid that if I broke that moment he would disappear again and this may be the last hug I ever received from him...

Then, a week and a half ago, just like that, he is gone. Once again. His phone has been turned off. I cannot find him anywhere. The new job that he told me he got here in town turned out to be untrue. Why does my child do this to me?? Does he not know that I love him so much that I would die for him? I have always allowed my children to speak their minds, to be who they are with no fear of worked for three of them. Why not this one?? When he was old enough to walk and talk he was strong-spirited, free-spirited, my little shadow. Now he is, once again, not to be found and it is getting so close to the holidays.

My heart aches. I can't be strong when it comes to my children being gone with no goodbyes, not knowing where they are, IF they will come home. It is a pain that is worse than any physical pain you could imagine. His sister, Breanna, is bitter of how he has treated us. She is angry and hurt, dejected, because they were always close as well. I tell her that her brother loves us, that he is just confused and will come home when he is ready. I stand strong for her, but inwardly, I am crumbling. I MUST stay strong for her...she is embarking on her own life, discovering who she is. These years are crucial for her in her young adulthood. I must show her how to overcome adversity, to carry on when things seem insurmountable. But inwardly...I am falling apart because I love my son so much, too....

I want him to come home. :( I miss him so much. I just want him to come home for Thanksgiving. Just one day, if that's all he can spare. The last three years were spent without him, during the holidays, while he served his time. I just want him home this year.

Please pray that he will.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GREGGWEISBROD 12/4/2013 4:06PM

    emoticon I've been really interested in Paul and his story. I haven't asked much about him yet, choosing to follow his story here first, but I'm curious how he's doing today. I see he has a wife and and kid, and looks healthy and happy. Something of a happy ending perhaps?

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PEGJOHN1997 11/27/2011 8:33AM

    I went through this with my daughter. She is gay and decided to be alone for awhile (1 1/2 years). The only way I knew that she was still alive was by googling her name. I didn't judge her, she judged herself, and decided to stay away from me because she didn't want to know whether she was hurting me or not. I know where she lives and works now and we see each other about once or twice a year. I have learned to pick and choose carefully when I want to see her because - if she shows up for someones dance recital, that means she isn't going to show up for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I would love her to be around all the time, but I can only see her when she wants to be seen.

I am so sorry you are going through this with your son, hopefully he will soon work through whatever it is and get back to being your son again. emoticon I'll pray for him, too.

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LMB-ESQ 11/17/2011 8:04AM

    Oh Michelle, I'm so very sorry to read this. I do agree with some of the other comments, he isn't doing this "to you" so much as his choices just aren't what you want for him and they are taking him in a direction that you don't like. But my guess is that he is hurting as much as you are and maybe this is his way of "protecting" you, and still trying to be a man on his own terms. I hope he gets in touch with you soon, even if only to hear his voice say that he's okay, and that you find some peace and healing.


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LINDYLIME 11/17/2011 6:19AM

    I'm sorry to hear what you have been going through. Maybe you should communicate with him more, tell him that you are worried sick when he doesnt call you - that he should call no matter what. That you dont judge him. That will only confirm what he already knows that you love him, I'm sure it wont drive him away futher like you may think it will. Be brave and speak your mind, communicate with love. I pray he comes home again or calls you soon.


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HOT4FITNESS 11/16/2011 8:37PM

    I am speechless as I read your blog. Just as our Father in Heaven is disappointed and broken hearted each time we walk away,but each and every time we return he reaches out with open arms. That is the same as a mother's love for her child. I am so sorry that your son is making poor choices and I pray that God will speak to his heart and bring him home with his family where he belongs. I pray that God will give you the strength and patience you need to make it through this difficult part of your journey.

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DARLENEK04 11/16/2011 8:18PM


I don't think he is doing this "to" you or his family.
He is making decisions on his own, and they just happen
to separate him from you and the family.

Will keep you in prayer....sometimes you just have to let
them go...


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GEEMAWEST 11/16/2011 7:53PM

    Dearest Michelle,

You need to realize that he is not 'doing this to you'. He has no desire to hurt you or his sister, that just happens to be a result of his actions.

You gave him wings and I will pray that he will come back to you. Unfortunately there are no guarantees in life. Quit blaming yourself and focus on the things in your life that you can control. You will never be able to control Paul, you have done the best job you could raising him and now he has to work it out for himself.

Prayers are with you and your family. And BTW, good to see you back.

Love and Hugs, Cheryl

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KATVHALE 11/16/2011 4:42PM

    Unfortunately, your son is an adult and he will make his own decisions, right or wrong.... I get the feeling that he really feels bad that he let you down and the rest of your family and that is why he just can't be with all of you. Also, sounds like he is giving into his weaknesses and doesn't have the emotional strength to overcome them. There is no easy answer but know that God loves him and doesn't want him to fail in anything. He needs to reach out to his Heavenly Father and so do all of you. Jesus said we would suffer tribulation but He would be with us. He is there for all of you and you all need to give it up to Him! BELIEVE GOD!

I am praying for Paul, you and the rest of your family.

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STAYCXL-NOMORE 11/16/2011 12:31PM

    This blog really hit me hard , I to am struggling with my own son right now my first little perfect boy , and it's a different story but he is more and more moving away from his whole family and I truly feel your pain , I think us as mothers we "love" without regret and we look passed all the bad , if only they could see that !! I will pray for your boy !!! God bless him , and God will guide him !!

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MUSTANG_SALLY2 11/16/2011 11:42AM

    My heart aches for you and I am praying. I'll be thinking of you. Please keep us posted.


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KAILYNSTAR 11/16/2011 11:14AM

    I have no words of wisdom. I have no thoughts that can come forth and say something witty and understanding and such.

My heart aches for you.

There is nothing to mend a worried Mother's heart. Just your son can do that.

I wish you well. I will pray for you. I will pray for your son. I wish there was more I could do...

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CHALLENGER15 11/16/2011 6:42AM

    emoticon emoticon

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FAERY_FACE 11/16/2011 6:41AM

    I am so sorry for what you are going through. I will keep you in my prayers. With God, there is ALWAYS hope. emoticon

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USFBULL 11/16/2011 1:17AM

    Good to see you Spark Friend, emoticon

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FLEMIDG 11/16/2011 1:08AM

    Michelle, I am so sorry that you are going through so much sorrow because of your son. It is not because of anything you did. He has to do things his way, and you can't make him change his mind. I understand a little of what you are feeling, because I went through a lot of pain dealing with my son's alcohol problem. I am praying for you and for your family. You have to turn this over to God and ask Him to protect and take care of your son. I understand that a mother never stops loving her children no matter what they have done. God bless you and keep you all safe in His arms. Lots of love and hugs are coming your way.

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LEN_VERSION32 11/15/2011 10:23PM

    I just said a little prayer and will continue to do so!! Keep in mind the story of the Prodigal Son...he will come home when it's the right time. Just keep the faith.

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UMBILICAL 11/15/2011 10:19PM

  I pray for all of you. Being strong and "perfect" is not a sign of strength. Leaving without a word is not a sign of open communication either. We often learn the most valuable lessons through our mistakes. Mistakes are the foundation of growth in many cases.

Your continued love and support is wonderful. Your son has to find his won way. All you can do is love, without control, perfectionism, or excessive worry.

Trust God in all things.

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