Thursday, December 01, 2011
It's difficult to forgive others at times when you feel they have wronged you in some way. But I have ultimately been able to do so, sometimes almost immediately when I realize THEY feel terrible and are really sincere in their apologies. Sometimes I've even been able to forgive them when they DON'T apologize. I've always believed in the simple fact that we are human and we are not perfect. We do things that hurt others. It's a given. So I forgive. If I did something that has hurt the ones I love, I would want them to forgive me, too. And I have. And they have forgiven me.
The thing that I struggle with MOST in my walk of self-discovery is forgiveness of self. I am willing to extend it, open-armed, whole-heartedly, to others, so why is it so difficult to extend to myself??? (I think we all have a problem with it to SOME extent.) It is the little pebble in my shoe that keeps hitting the tender spot when I try to walk through life. I am not proud of some of the decisions I've made in my life, maybe some more than others, and at times, it is the catalyst that makes me want to shut down, hide from the world and seek refuge in silence.
But I promised you that I would not do that anymore.
So I am here, baring my soul, showing you the struggle in my heart tonight. I came face-to-face today with a very bad decision I made not too long ago. (Funny thing about mistakes...they always seem to show up eventually and make you look them square in the face for an explanation or just to gloat...) It reared its ugly face and brought back emotions that I had long thought passed. I once again felt like dirt, felt disgrace and shame. I didn't know whether to cry or to scream in anger. Some mistakes are like that, you know. They pester you, just when you think the coast is clear. They show up unannounced to remind you that you had it in you to do it...at the time.
I came home this evening from work and showered. Then I spent alot of time on my knees. I still do that, especially when my heart is in turmoil. It just makes me feel closer to God. I can envision myself kneeling beside His lap, His loving hands holding my head, listening to my every word. And sometimes, it just feels so good to be there that I stay there for awhile, allowing Him to quiet my heart and settle my shaking soul. I prayed and prayed. Then I prayed some more. I asked Him to help me to forgive myself, to help me love myself a little more, to show me the past is gone and all that is left is my future.
It helped some. Okay, maybe it helped even more that I realize. But God has HIS timing...it's not when WE think it should happen. Maybe the pain doesn't go away so quickly nor the remorse. Perhaps it should never go away to serve as a reminder, as a lesson learned. But the forgiveness factor...we should learn to do that. Blaming ourselves, putting ourselves down, does not heal us or help us to get through the pain. It hinders our growth.
I need to learn to forgive myself. YOU need to learn to forgive yourself for YOUR mistakes.
The simple fact is, if you ask, GOD ALREADY HAS.
So I'm on my way. Shakily at first. But if I continue to walk with Him, allowing Him to guide my way through this crazy, chaotic life, my steps will become a little more steadier. I choose to take hold of His hand and allow His love to be my beacon, my light to a brighter tomorrow. I choose to rest in His loving arms when I fall and allow His compassion to heal me. I choose to seek refuge in His tender grace, not in silence. Not in running away. I choose to stand firmly. To stand up for me. For you. For all of us.
I love you all...with all of my heart.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Well, I did it. I filled my plate this Thanksgiving and partook of the usual Thanksgiving grub and now I am in slight discomfort. I am almost looking forward to tomorrow when I return to work and will be able to walk most of these calories off and get back to my normal eating habits. I can't eat much at one time anymore because my stomach has shrank and any deviation from my routine reminds me that my body does NOT LIKE IT!
It's a good thing, though. It keeps me in check. Although I only had a few tablespoons of this and that, it wasn't exactly "good-for-you" food and my stomach has voiced its discomfort quite loudly and obnoxiously. I'm also very sleepy and have taken a nap but I quite honestly feel "hung over." Enough for me. There's not going to be any second helpings or thoughtless eating or eating-just-to-eat anymore today. Tomorrow is a new day and my usual way of getting back to the foods that make my stomach feel clean. I really can't wait. TRULY.
Bre is here and my oldest daughter Brook and grandson Dylan visited with her fiancee. My brothers-in-law were both here as well so it was a very nice time. Paul still has decided to not come or call but the day is not over yet so I hold up hope that he will still show. I'm trying not to allow it to govern my day. He is an adult and knows where home is. It is his choice if he comes or not...but a mother's heart is set in its ways. You can't tell it not to hurt when it comes to her children. It just does. But I am remaining optimistic and place him in the hands of God.
I hope that you all had an amazing Thanksgiving as well! I hope that this day has been a blessing to each and every one of you and I look forward to getting back on the bandwagon with you with exercise and nutritious eating! We've had our day of fun so let's get crackin' with our commitments once again! Tomorrow is a brand new day and full of opportunities to do our bodies, minds and hearts good. Also, today, as well as everyday, let's remember the less fortunate ones in our prayers. If we are able, let's do something, reach out to them and make their day a little brighter. (I fixed our neighbor, a disabled gentleman who lives just down the road from us, a plate of food and spent some time with him earlier. A small gesture but it may be the only Thanksgiving meal and fellowship that he has this year...)
And most importantly, let's give thanks for our lives and the opportunities that we have to enrich it. That's really what this day is all about anyways, isn't it? The food is only the smallest part of it. The fact is, today is the day to enjoy our family, our friends and to celebrate the fact that God loves each and everyone of us! If it weren't for Him, we wouldn't have this day. Let's be thankful that He died on that cross for us so that we may have abundant life. And a heaven to go to after this life is over! :)
Happy happy day, dear friends. May we, as the sons and daughters of God, gather together in spirit so that we become more like Him! Let's become a reflection of His heart, His nature, His character to ALL those that we encounter in this world.
I love you all. Abundantly.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
I realized a few days ago that since joining SparkPeople in 2009 that I have lost over 77 pounds. I never had it in me to post a picture of me when I was at my all-time high and I probably never will. At 5'3" I was a pretty big girl and, at 206 pounds, I was as wide as I was tall. (The thing about the women in my family, we are all short while my brothers are 6' and above. They can eat like there is no tomorrow. We girls can, too, but it just shows up on our waists alot easier than it does theirs.)
I am looking at Thanksgiving square in the face and have gained five pounds in the last three weeks. My eating habits have started to go all over the place and amidst the running around at my job, I will grab a candy bar at work for my lunch. Every now and then shouldn't hurt me but when I cleaned out the pocket on my truck door, I think I found about seven Reese's Cup wrappers. That's not good! That needs to change! I've also found myself buying Sara Lee Pecan Pies as well and have realized that no matter HOW MUCH I may walk at work, it will not cancel out the bad things I have been putting into my body. It could explain why I'm struggling with fatigue more. So being thinner does not guarantee good health...I still have to watch what I put in so I can get good return out on my energy and alertness. But I love Reese's and Sara Lee so...sigh.
I will be echoing everybody's cry this Thanksgiving...after the holidays I am going to buckle down. With Bre home, it shouldn't be that difficult. She is a nut when it comes to what she puts into her body and loves physical fitness. She will be my spotter and will help me get back into the mind frame of well-being. I am super excited!! (Tuesday is the day she will be here...and here she will remain until the first of the year. OUs quarters are weird like that, getting the whole month of December off, but I'M NOT COMPLAINING, haha. I have missed her! And I'm so psyched to see her!)
So first things first. No more Reese's. Maybe a banana and a little carton of milk for my lunch. And the pies can just take a hike. Well, maybe after Thanksgiving. I plan on eating what I want that day. I'm not going to throw caution to the wind and go all out but I will have a little of this and that. I usually can't eat a lot at one time anyway. But after that, it's back to tracking. I am going to take up an offer with one of my friends at work, too, by going to the gym together. I may have all the necessary equipment here to do what I need to do but I think having an exercise mate will make it more challenging and fun. Plus, it will help her as well!
I'm looking forward to being all I can be in 2012.
Because, daggone it, the time has come to have a GREAT year!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
I want to get another blog out there before my work commences again tomorrow morning. My shifts are usually all over the place and my least favorite ones are the a.m. ones. I not saying that I'm not a morning person but I'm not saying that I AM either. When the alarm goes off it takes everything in me not to beat it with a nearby shoe...or my head. And what's really scary is the first glance in the 6 a.m. mirror. Trust me, it's not special OR heart-warming.
My homecoming here has felt final. The last time I left and returned I told myself that I was ready to commence but there was something still off...in me. I tried to force it but my heart, well, it just wasn't in it. But a few days ago I woke up and something had just clicked. I had to get back. I had this pull within in my heart to come home to my SparkFamily. And here I am, reassuring my loves that I will never leave you again. I will never try to do it all on my own anymore. I will be here with open arms to all of you and will do my best to encourage, to love, to listen, to be that friend and sister that you have all been to me.
I am not proud of my actions nor am I going to make excuses for them. I left, out of pure selfishness and self-pity. Now I am promising to stay. PROMISING. Good days, bad days, ugh days, I am here. And after butting heads with my beautiful God so many times, I've come to the conclusion that He is more stubborn, more loving, more unwilling to give up than I am. When I gave up and allowed myself to run back into His arms, the journey was effortless. It is easier to run TOWARD God than away from Him.
So that being said, I'm keeping this short and sweet. I will find myself going to visit you all, as often as I can.
I just pray now that I don't crash my computer. That would suck. And my luck. That is the only thing that could keep me away. Or breaking all of my fingers. That would be my luck, too. But barring those two events, you are stuck with me from here on out.
I'll catch you all tomorrow night! Keep the SparkLight well lit, just as you have always done.
I love you all. Very much.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Sometimes I just have to go. Sometimes I just have to turn my page offline, turn off my phone, turn off my brain, and just get away for awhile. To rethink my priorities, to rethink my beliefs and come to terms with the "way I am." I'm pretty sure you have realized I'm wired differently than most, a little eccentric, a little on the weird side. I really don't know how to change that. But maybe I shouldn't TRY to change that...after all, is IS ME. And I have been terribly hard on me for a long time now.
I'm putting it "all together" once and for all. My trip to Florida did alot to soften my state of mind and there are things that I am still practicing today to help me get through "tough" situations. I would like to go there again soon. I'm actually planning on a trip next summer's end with my sisters again so it's giving me something to look forward to. Another retreat for my soul. It was so good. So very very spiritually good for me...
I am struggling, once again, however. Perhaps it's best to just come clean and stop trying to appear perfect, to stop trying to be the pillar of strength. I am in angst about my youngest son, Paul. He is the one who just got out of prison this past year and began a new life, in a new town, with new friends. He was doing so well. He had many obstacles to overcome and he did, at first. I was so very proud and told him daily how his strength amazed me. It seemed to give him wings. Then suddenly he stopped calling. He did not answer his phone. For two and half months I was unable to talk to him, my letters came back, his former employers did not know his where-a-bouts. But a couple of his friends said he was doing fine, he needed to get away. They were not being honest. They were either protecting him or me when they said it...
A few weeks ago, he reappeared here at home. He looked good. I did not have the heart to convey how upset or angry I was at him for making me worry so much. I was just so happy to see him. I hugged him in my arms and kissed his soft cheeks and swallowed my tears as he held me tightly and told me how much he missed me. I finally asked him where he was, what was so important that he could not call me and let me know that he was okay.
He was in jail again. He would not tell me why. I did not pressure him to tell me what happened but told him that I was here for him when he wanted to talk. I even reminded him that things were not that bad that he had to "resort" to getting thrown in jail again, that I was ALWAYS here for him when things got "out of hand" or when he did not know what to do. Taking me in his arms, he explained that things were not always easily solved with a prayer or a smile and that there were things I just didn't understand. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, but all I could do was just let him hug me. Because I was afraid that if I broke that moment he would disappear again and this may be the last hug I ever received from him...
Then, a week and a half ago, just like that, he is gone. Once again. His phone has been turned off. I cannot find him anywhere. The new job that he told me he got here in town turned out to be untrue. Why does my child do this to me?? Does he not know that I love him so much that I would die for him? I have always allowed my children to speak their minds, to be who they are with no fear of rejection...it worked for three of them. Why not this one?? When he was old enough to walk and talk he was strong-spirited, free-spirited, my little shadow. Now he is, once again, not to be found and it is getting so close to the holidays.
My heart aches. I can't be strong when it comes to my children being gone with no goodbyes, not knowing where they are, IF they will come home. It is a pain that is worse than any physical pain you could imagine. His sister, Breanna, is bitter of how he has treated us. She is angry and hurt, dejected, because they were always close as well. I tell her that her brother loves us, that he is just confused and will come home when he is ready. I stand strong for her, but inwardly, I am crumbling. I MUST stay strong for her...she is embarking on her own life, discovering who she is. These years are crucial for her in her young adulthood. I must show her how to overcome adversity, to carry on when things seem insurmountable. But inwardly...I am falling apart because I love my son so much, too....
I want him to come home. :( I miss him so much. I just want him to come home for Thanksgiving. Just one day, if that's all he can spare. The last three years were spent without him, during the holidays, while he served his time. I just want him home this year.
Please pray that he will.
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