STEELKICKIN   29,121
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STEELKICKIN's Recent Blog Entries

I See In You More Than You Will Ever Know

Saturday, October 15, 2011

"Oh, I-I-I-I remember you. You're the girl who struggles with self-doubts, who questions every action, every feeling under a microscope, who places heavy scrutinization on every thought and word...yes, I remember you. Remember how bad it made you feel because you couldn't be perfect or, gulp, "normal?" Didn't that make you feel closed-in, isolated, almost to the point of distancing yourself from the ones you loved the most?? C'mon, now, snap out of it. Get back to that peaceful center you once found. Remember how good it made you feel to let all that baggage go? Remember how wonderful it was to accept yourself for who you are and accept your flaws, your mistakes, your life for what it was???"

Putting the mirror down, I closed my eyes and drew a deep breath. Then I prayed. A short prayer. A simple, "God, here I am. Let me hear Your voice. Reach down to me again, pull me free from the mucky mire and lift me up, once again. In Your sweet name..."

It's such human nature to wrestle with yourself. It's easy to fall back into the same old habits, even the self-destructive ones, that will drain the energy from you. You would think that after miserably failing, trying to do it all on your own, you would learn, after awhile. Why is it that we keep re-trying what doesn't work and not use that energy to find a better solution? My solution, as of late, has been God. He has continued to draw me closer each hour, each day, each week...then I started not feeling well again. I have felt drained, to the point of total exhaustion, nauseated, weak...and then I decided to shelter myself. I decided to pull away, to wither within and try to "tough it out." Then the downhill slide began.

BUT!! I recognized it for what it was. Human nature. I can't feel bad for being human and having self-doubts but I have to recognize it for what it is and do something about it. Improve. Call out to my heavenly Father and ask for His assistance, then simply wait for His loving voice, His loving arms to encircle me. And guess what?? They were there. HE was there. Smiling, arms outstretched, ready for me to fall into them and rest, to lay my burdens at His feet as He enveloped me into His loving embrace.

"As your will is bent and broken
And every vision has been cast into the wind,
As your courage crashes down before your eyes,
Don't lay down and die.

(Because) I see in you
More than you'll ever know.
And I ask you "Why you question
The strength inside?"
'Cause You need to know how it feels
To be alive.

When every wound has been re-opened,
And in this world of give and take you must have FAITH,
And the distance to your dreams stretch beyond your reach,
Don't lay down and die...

Because I see in you more than you will ever know..."
--Myles Kennedy

God sees in us more than we will ever know. He sees we are insecure at times, that we are just HUMAN, that we struggle with our inner voice. He knows us better than we know ourselves. So if that is the case, then shouldn't we believe that He will never give us more than we can handle, that we do possess the inner strength to rise up past our conflicts, our weaknesses? We have to change the way we think. We have to see our worth for what it is. And our worth is priceless in the eyes of our God. He has saved me because I'm worth it. I have to remember that He loved me enough, thought me worthy enough to sacrifice His only Son for me. AND YOU.

Man!!!

Okay, trying to do it all on my own equals fatigue, doubts, insecurity. Doing it GOD'S way equals love, patience, acceptance. Duh.

It didn't take me long to realize it this time.

Perhaps I'll stick with what works now? God bless....love you all.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BKNOCK 10/19/2011 10:23PM

    emoticon

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CIVIAV 10/19/2011 4:47PM

    Like looking in the mirror!

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TRENTDREAMER 10/18/2011 8:18PM

    emoticon emoticon

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KATVHALE 10/17/2011 6:59PM

  Get in His Word on a daily basis and find a Bible believing church and join a Life Group! Those things have been my mainstay and I find that I am getting closer and closer to Him every day!

You can beat temptation and lusts and self-pity by believing God! Have faith in Him in everything. Life will be good if you count it all joy!

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DGAIL51 10/17/2011 12:13PM

    Inspirational! Things we should keep in mind-----always. Being "human" we too often forget the most basic, important things we need for our well being and survival. I can relate so well... been there way too often.
Donna

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 10/17/2011 11:44AM

    What a beautiful, beautiful blog! Thank you!

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GEEMAWEST 10/16/2011 6:39PM

    emoticon

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LINDAKAY228 10/16/2011 5:46PM

    Great blog and absolutely so true! God sees so much more in us than we can ever imagine. I get bogged down too a lot of times and God's love pulls me through and He will you too!

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CARTOONB 10/15/2011 10:45PM

    Even if you don't stick with what works, it looks like you are catching yourself sooner. And that's a good thing. I really hope you start to feel better and find what you are looking for.

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KAILYNSTAR 10/15/2011 3:35PM

    So true. Insecurity and doubt, just go hand in hand.

God is above that.

Bless you.

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DREAMGIRL76 10/15/2011 10:34AM

    I can't thank you enough for this testimony and enlightenment that is so well received and appreciated. God Bless

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STEVENGO2 10/15/2011 10:20AM

    OurFathers love for us should prepare us for every step we take on this short journey through life. Knowing that what we do or do not do here determines wether we have the oppurtunity to embrace HIM afterwards has a gigantic influences of the choices I make now.

Thanks for your very thougtful and personal words!

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KEKEIKO 10/15/2011 7:31AM

    In spite of our faults we are loved. That's a beautiful and uplifting gift. Continue on the path which makes you feel alive. Thank you for sharing the lovely written words by Myles Kennedy. When read they were breathtaking and heartfelt. May you find peace and guidance from them as well.

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HISFREESPIRIT 10/15/2011 1:55AM

    It is comforting to know that God does see more in us than we can ever see. He sees the finished product. We see only the past and the now.

I think we all struggle with learning the lessons that God is trying to teach us. Sometimes I feel like I am constantly, "Taking another walk around Mt Sinai until I learn my lesson."

God knows us intimately and loves us anyway.

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QUEENCAT25 10/15/2011 1:07AM

    This is very comforting. Thank you for sharing.

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It Just Keeps Getting A Little Better...

Saturday, October 01, 2011

The last few days have been challenging, mentally and physically, for me during work. Sometimes this body doesn't want to give up the goods like it used to and if I don't feel the miles on my legs that day, you can bet your bottom dollar that I will feel them the next. (I once wore a pedometer during one of my shifts just to see how many miles I put in on an average day and it registered 10.7. JUST DURING MY SHIFT.) I have to say that in some aspects I'm pretty proud of this...I think my body is in better shape now than it used to be. I remember when I wasn't working and I was trying to find a regimen right for me. I tried running. I tried bonking. I tried weight lifting. Each time I would fall miserably flat on my face due to the limitations on my health. But just this simple act of walking, albeit at a frenzied pace at times during work, has seemed to help stabilize my weight.

But these last few days have been very challenging for me. With the change of weather my joints ache more. I've been experiencing more headaches. But I keep trudging ahead...and I have something very good to come home to for a few more days. My beautiful grandgirls, two twins and a new one that just makes my heart absolutely SING are moving from Arizona to Kansas. (They kinda took a wide detour to see us before heading out there...)

When I look into two month old Jaycee's gorgeous deep blue eyes, that are as blue as the sky above me, as blue as the ocean that was once before me, I get lost. I get lost in the innocence and serenity of a something that is bigger than me, bigger than my aches and pains, larger than any problem that has been placed before me. When she smiles at my peek-a-boos and grabs my fingers in her tiny little grasp, I truly feel like I'm holding onto something so precious, fragile and I cannot breathe. I FORGET to breathe. I also get transported back 19 years ago when my daughter was this small and I was amazed at the beauty, the wondrous perfection of a new little life that was placed in my arms by the hands of my loving and trusting God...

Again, He has given me a gift. He has once again allowed my arms to encircle the most precious thing this life can offer. How can I NOT feel so special? How can I NOT feel loved when this little baby girl looks up into my eyes and smiles? I rocked her to sleep last night and I felt her little body curl into my own, as she grasped my finger and drifted off to the place that is only for little angels to explore...I could not tear my eyes, my heart, or soul away. Her soft breathes, gentle coos and little tiny hiccups captivated me, mesmerized me, lulled me into a deep place of serenity and peace.

I can't put my finger on it but this is different than being a mother. As a grandmother, you look at your grandchildren...then look at your children taking care of them. Such irony to see yourself in them, loving their own children, doing everything you did while they were growing up. But I'm going with it. And it pleases me to know that one day they will have this moment with THEIR grandchildren...I wish I could be here to witness that....

Aches and pains I have in this weary body.

But joy, love and peace in a heart that feels forever young.

I have my beautiful grandangels to thank for that.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHERIRIDDELL 10/5/2011 3:52AM

    I don't know how I missed this blog but as usual your blog brought me a measure of peace.I too have aches and pains and your positive spirit has brought a measure of delight and peace that I have good things to look forward to as well.love and hugs,Cheri

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DREMARGRL 10/4/2011 11:36PM

    Beautiful blog, Michelle. I have my Haley...my only granddaughter...and she is a treasured jewel. It is different through my older and, hopefully, wiser eyes. Indescribable....this love. I'm thrilled that you are having this experience and getting to enjoy them. FABULOUS!
Hope you all have a glorious fall......xo
MaryAnn
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MUSTANG_SALLY2 10/4/2011 3:47PM

    Ahhh such a precious lil' gift you got. I'm very jealous! One of my favorite thing in the world is rocking babies. I think I should have gotten a turn. LOL

I'm really glad you got to spend time with them. I sure enjoyed reading about it.

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BKNOCK 10/3/2011 8:26PM

    Wow, how did I miss this blog? I am so happy to hear that you got to see your beautiful grandkids! Babies are such a great gift from God. How can you not smile when you are holding one?

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DIETSAFARI 10/3/2011 8:57AM

    Hallo Michelle
I have been on a Spark Sabatical with stuff going on with me that are worse than being fat- This means that I have missed many of your blogs. And that I read them all in one go. Got a good overview.
Have to say you have grown, and you have changed - and I think you are a more beautiful person.

Enjoy those babies
Lots and lots of love, many hugs and kisses
In the end, everything is about Jesus


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KATVHALE 10/1/2011 6:48PM

  Nothing better than babies to make us forget our own aches and pains. They are a symbol of new life and great expectations!

I'm so happy for you Michelle that you got to spend precious time with them.

Kat

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DARLENEK04 10/1/2011 3:20PM

  Ahhhhh Michelle, you make me want to have some granchildren. Unless I
go adopt one of my own, guess I am out of luck.............

Darlene

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KAILYNSTAR 10/1/2011 2:10PM

    Babies are beautiful and precious. There is no doubt about that. Plus, they smell so wonderful!

Enjoy your time with them while they are there.



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CIVIAV 10/1/2011 1:29PM

    Joy, love and peace help those aches, no?! Lovely spot of happiness!

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CARTOONB 10/1/2011 1:21PM

    You are way too young to have som many aches and pains. I hope you can find solutions to that.

However, the grandbabies sound beautiful. I don't want my own just yet. But eventually...

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LINDAKAY228 10/1/2011 10:14AM

    Our relationships with our grandkids is different and so special in it's own unique way. My grandkids are such a blessing to me.
Sorry that the aches and pains are setting in as fall comes. My worst time of the year is summer, when the heat absolutely completely drains me. I'm starting to feel better this time of year. Hope it doesn't get too bad for you.

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LMB-ESQ 10/1/2011 9:16AM

    You make me look forward to grandparenthood too.... but.... a few more years please!!! emoticon

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JUNIAATROME 10/1/2011 2:53AM

    You make me wish I was a grandmother :) Glad you are doing well (within circumstances). emoticon

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JUNIAATROME 10/1/2011 2:52AM

    You make me wish I was a grandmother :) Glad you are doing well (within circumstances). emoticon

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NANT406 10/1/2011 1:25AM

    There's no better sedative than a baby's breath. My neice always puts me to sleep in her special way. Thanks for sharing. You have a wonderful way with words. Have a great weekend emoticon

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Slowing Down

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

When I opened my eyes this morning, I heard the gentle pitter-patter of the rain on the windows. The house, in its morning solitude, allowed me to lie there and lazily dream in, dream out, to relish the meditative song of the falling water, lulling me into peace and solitude. It wasn't but a few years ago that I woke to the voices of my children, excitedly getting ready for their day, maybe even quarreling over their rights to the bathrooms or laughing at each other's jokes....

But this is good.

This is very good. As much as I miss them and the fact that I wouldn't trade those years for ANYTHING, I find myself enjoying this time of peace. Lazily, I stretch my arms over my head and push my feet from beneath the covers. Or I will roll over and bury my face into the pillow and smile. I didn't know that empty-nest syndrome would hold such little gifts for me to enjoy. I didn't know that having the last serving of ice cream could taste so good. Or that taking a few extra minutes to soak in a hot bubble bath could rejuvenate my spirit.

But it has.

I miss my kids, and their friends, tearing through the living room at break-neck speed, sharing the day's events with me. But I also like watching my favorite program uninterrupted. I love taking as much time as I want in my woods, quietly reflecting on nature, the beauty of it as it surrounds me in it's raw, gorgeous embrace. I miss having them with me during these times, but there are new things I've discovered in my own backyard that I haven't seen before. Nor heard before. I miss having my phone calls to and from my friends interrupted with a fact they needed to share at THAT VERY MOMENT. But everyone knows not to interrupt me when I'm on the phone with my kids. It seems so odd to converse with them this way now. But for some reason, the conversations are more meaningful, more special because they are not every day. They are mature, deeper conversations about what they are searching for in life, not who stuck whose tongue out at who....

I like my new relationship with them. My oldest has taken a job at GE in Kansas City. The second oldest is raising my grandson, working and going to school. Bre is at OU, volunteering, making the Dean's List and finding new things about herself every day. Paul is on the road to self-discovery...it's a difficult road for him but I know deep down he has the strength to overcome his adversities and will come back to us when he is ready, settled, and strong in his ability to believe the wonderful things about himself. I trust them. I trust them all.

Now, it's my turn. To lie in bed for as long as I wish. To listen to MY music in the car and to dance in the living room to the beat of my own drum. It's my turn to indulge in going to lunch with my friends and to see a movie JUST BECAUSE. Because I can. Because I WANT TO.

This is good.

This is very very good....

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GREGGWEISBROD 12/4/2013 7:55AM

    This post felt like one long peaceful and relaxing exhale. Years and years ago, when I was 19, I was up at summer camp leading a section of counsellors and their campers. Every night I got to sleep in my own cabin, and that first paragraph of yours took me back to the many nights a and early mornings that I'd spend - safe from the craziness of the kids and all the fires I had to put out on a daily basis. Be it the rain through the trees overhead, or the sound of the waves on the lake crashing against rocks not far from me, it was that same feeling of serenity. Those moments are like little miracles for the soul. Glad you had that. :-)

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MR5STRING 9/28/2011 9:28PM

    time for winter on that tropical island !!!!!... :) emoticon

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TRENTDREAMER 9/28/2011 7:41PM

    :)

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FLEMIDG 9/28/2011 12:37AM

    I used to think how good it will be when my two boys (men really) get out on their own and leave me alone so that I can do what I want when I want, but now that I have lost my DH, I wonder how I am going to manage on my own. I am glad you are enjoying this time, Michelle. You need some time for you. Take care and enjoy.

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CARTOONB 9/27/2011 11:32PM

    If it gets too good, let me know. I have a 15yo and a 12yo that can take you back.

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DARLENEK04 9/27/2011 11:13PM

  Yup...told you to be patient, see even though we love them,
eventually they become adults and we like them and who they
have become.

Hugs,
Darlene

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KATVHALE 9/27/2011 10:20PM

  We all need our own space at times; enjoy!

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JERMADSON7 9/27/2011 9:08PM

    You did good. You did very, very good.

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HOT4FITNESS 9/27/2011 5:21PM

    Life is good. We have been empty nesters for 2 years now and I enjoy not having to share the computer or having to watch espn 24/7. What a wonderful morning to listen to the rain and a just be still and know the He is God

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KAILYNSTAR 9/27/2011 4:44PM

    My husband and I were married for 4.5 years before we had any children and I wouldn't trade that for anything. We both remember a time when it was the two of us. Now that we have a house full of children and then sometimes their friends. I relish it. I know that this time is fleeting. For one day, I will be able to sleep in and watch on tv what I want to watch and look forward to the times when my children will come home to see me and their father.

I miss those kind of days, yet I am looking forward to the future.

Right now...I'm just reading and relaxing....

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OLDERDANDRT 9/27/2011 1:29PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CHRIS3215 9/27/2011 1:26PM

    I hear yea I am an empty nester & I have a love & hate relationship with it..
I love it when my kids were home also..
BUT we all leave & go on with our life & build there own families..
I am Blessed with 4 beautiful grand babies which I can't get enough of..
I'm so glad you are finding the time to discover you & life too..

At times I too enjoy the quiet times but yes remember when they were home too..LIFE goes on..
Thanks Have a Great Day!!

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 9/27/2011 9:06AM

    It was hard to read your blog this morning since I am having a nostalgic period in my life. I miss my kids. emoticon
I need to work harder on getting my attitude adjusted like you have.

Comment edited on: 9/27/2011 9:06:24 AM

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EMILY0724 9/27/2011 8:57AM

    Great attitude!

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LIZZYP609 9/27/2011 8:48AM

    Life is Good!

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BKNOCK 9/27/2011 8:07AM

    Sounds good! emoticon

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JOHNTJ1 9/27/2011 7:54AM

    We are often so busy being busy that the beautiful calm you described seems to sneak up on us and it always seems to be such a welcome suprise. We work hard all of our lives to do "whats right" and one day we realize that despite our best efforts to the contrary, at times, we are a success and not to shabby for that matter either.

Finding peace within ourselves is a most amazing discovery. I am happy for you.

Much Love

John

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CHALLENGER15 9/27/2011 7:44AM

    Yes! I agree...

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LINDAKAY228 9/27/2011 6:31AM

    I'm actually jealous because my kids keep coming back home and bringing their kids with them LOL! I have one daughter with her 3 kids living with me for over a year. But when they weren't here I enjoyed so much some of the things you're talking about and miss it. I love my grandkids and my kids but each stage of our life has special things to offer. Glad you're finding so much enjoyment in it. Even with them here there are still a lot of things I can do, like take off for a day without having to worry about a babysitter or lock myself in my room with peace and quiet because I'm not responsible for them in the same way as when they were kids and I do enjoy the freedom so much. I would like the chance to soak in the bathtub longer though LOL!
Have a wonderful day today.

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CHERIRIDDELL 9/27/2011 1:10AM

    Yes I am experiencing the same thing me and my old dog ,my husband is still off being a soldier so some times it is True and I (and my odd sense of humour ) but I am enjoying it as well.I also enjoy this time to visit with my friends !

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CIVIAV 9/27/2011 12:59AM

    Ah such lovely stuff to live!

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DEE107 9/27/2011 12:39AM

    yes my friend it is a good thing ,,, hugs and have a great day

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I Think I Get It Now....

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Ahh, such a nice change of pace....

Letting go and accepting the events in your life. It doesn't have to be perfect. Life doesn't. You can still find peace and contentment in the disorder around you, especially when you learn to accept that nothing is ever neat and clean, very seldom is it 100% as you wish it to be. But the thing that you can always count on is the loving hand of God caressing your weary shoulders and whispering, "Just lean on me, I am ALWAYS here..." It's taken me a loooong time to get to this place. It's taken many stumbles that have left me on my face, bruised and bleeding, shaken, for me to realize that there was always a hand to help me stand once again. And in that stance, gathering my strength once again, was a love as warm as the rising summer sun. I may have given up on me at times, but He didn't. Never once. It was never His option....

I am the type of person who would rather retreat into a cubby hole and lick my wounds, alone, from the eyes of others. I find myself at times pulling away from the people whom I love the most, especially when I need them the most. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve for awhile then distance myself, either out of shame or weariness...not fair to them, I know. But I also did that with God. Or tried to. I THOUGHT I was hiding from Him, but it seemed He always found me. Even when I didn't want to be found. He doesn't give up so easily. He doesn't give up AT ALL.

My life isn't perfect. Far from it. I am far from perfect. But, my GOSH, it feels so good to just let that "goal" go. I am imperfect. My life is, gulp, imperfect. And IT IS IN GOD'S HANDS, not my own. What will be, will be. I am where I am supposed to be RIGHT NOW. My life is as it should be RIGHT NOW. And even though I am imperfect, my God still loves me for who I am. He has forgiven me for my sins. He has looked past my faults and seen His child, hugged His child and accepted His child for who she is. My God loves me. He loves me for who I am, who I will be and, most importantly, what I will be NOT.

I am set in stone. My life and what it is supposed to be is painted on God's canvas, lovingly created by His brushstrokes. He didn't promise me or anyone else that it was going to be easy. I wouldn't WANT it to be! I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't go through the heartaches and turbulence that I have suffered in my life. I would be spoiled, ungrateful and selfish. I wouldn't have empathy or sympathy for those around me.

I wouldn't be here.

No, my life isn't perfect. It never was nor will it ever be.

But my God is.......and He loves me. That's ALL I need.

God bless you all...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HISFREESPIRIT 9/28/2011 12:41AM

    It is like I was reading my own thoughts.
Thanks for sharing

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FLYER99 9/24/2011 8:49AM

    What a beautiful blog. Thanks so much for posting!
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CIVIAV 9/23/2011 2:59PM

    I don't think I've ever met you in person, how is it that you know me so well?
Oh, describing yourself were you?
Glad you know you have what you need beautiful!

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LUVMYCRAZYKIDS 9/23/2011 11:00AM

    Beautiful...

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MAMADWARF 9/23/2011 10:57AM

    That was beautifully written and sincere. Sometimes I forget that. I have faith but there have been times when I have been much closer to God than I am right now. It does always give me peace knowing he is always there for us and loves us no matter what. Thanks for the reminder.

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JOHNTJ1 9/23/2011 10:39AM

    I woke up one night around three am to use the bathroom. As I am traversing my way back to bed a voice deep inside of me speaks and says "I love you just the way you are." It was like someone took a bucket of warm love and poured it over the top of me. A few days later I received am email from a spark friend in Italy. She had attended a prayer meeting the previous meeting and as she prayed God spoke to her heart. "Tell John, I love him just the way he is."

To understand and feel the love of God is amazing, isnt it? I'm so glad you had a chance to experience this. Words cannot express my joy for you Michelle.

Much Love

John

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MUSTANG_SALLY2 9/23/2011 9:53AM

    The letting go is the hard part. I'm happy for you.

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USFBULL 9/23/2011 12:16AM

    Nothing like Florida sand to bring it all home. Nicely worded Spark friend. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CARTOONB 9/22/2011 11:40PM

    I'm so glad you found yourself again.

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KATVHALE 9/22/2011 6:44PM

  A lot of our trials are because of our own pride and bad choices. God doesn't cause these things but He allows us to experience these bad things in order to bring us closer to Him.

Thank God that you have realized that girl and are now comfortably snuggled under His wing. Don't venture too far from Him again!

God Bless You!

Kat

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DARLENEK04 9/22/2011 4:38PM

  Well spoken kiddo.................

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STAYCXL-NOMORE 9/22/2011 11:40AM

    Amen , beautifully said !!
Stayc

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KAILYNSTAR 9/22/2011 11:33AM

    Sigh...Just letting the love of God wash over me after I finished reading your blog.

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BKNOCK 9/22/2011 10:59AM

    Our God is an Awesome God!

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MISS_VIV 9/22/2011 9:38AM

    God gives us the power to change what we can with his help.
You are a sweet person, good, humble and knowing. You can do whatever you need to do with Him

BIG HUGS emoticon

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 9/22/2011 9:38AM

    Oh, what a beautiful blog and testament of what God does with our lives when we allow Him into our hearts! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LINDAKAY228 9/22/2011 9:30AM

    I love your blog! I have been at the point a number of times where I can't feel God's presence in my life and His arm around me until I stop struggling and relax into it. He is always there waiting for us and reaching out to us, it is us who fight and make it so much harder sometimes. Glad you've found that special place again.

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BABYTUXXY 9/22/2011 7:25AM

    May the good Lord watch over you and bless you.

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CHERIRIDDELL 9/21/2011 11:45PM

    May God Bless you !While we may not be perfect ,we don't need to be ,our friends love us as we are our with all our imperfections we are still lovable , in not only God's eyes but in the eyes of our true friends.We are grateful to have you as a friend and don't expect you to be perfect we think you are wonderful and if you have something go wrong we will always be here for you .Friends always .

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Poking My Head In...

Thursday, September 15, 2011

I was walking under the pier this morning in search of more awesome pics, trying to avoid the jelly fish that had washed up onto the shore. They were deceased but I didn't know if they could still sting you (or possibly eat your face off) so I was vigilant about where I placed my sandaled feet. Every-so-often another person would pass and we would exchange a few pleasantries, such as a "How are YOU today?" or a nod and I would smile, basking in the realization that no matter where a person is from, there is a bond that connects all human beings. We all strive to be pleasant or friendly, even when one has sand in their teeth and hair...

I wasn't exactly thrilled to walk on the pier that stretched out into the ocean. Again, the rolling waves have a dizzying effect on my senses and a few days ago, my face bit a thrashing wave rolling to shore. (It was a good thing my sister Marie was there to drag my limp and fear-paralyzed body to the seaside. Amidst the screeches and laughter, my bathing suit top had decided to disconnect itself from my upper torso and she threw herself on top of me to shield me from the gazes of fellow vacationers who were peeing themselves from laughter...) I timidly stepped onto the entrance of the pier, one eye closed, the other slightly squinty, and was immediately confronted by a blue heron who wanted my Fritos. He was a friendly little fellow until I tried to get a picture. I became so enthralled with the birds and the fisherman, that I forgot where I was until I reached the end of the pier. When I looked out onto the ocean, I was mesmerized. Utterly and completely mesmerized.

Leaning over the railing JUST A TAD, I looked down into the clear bluish-green waters and felt something click. Yes, I'm a person who does not do well on boats and who possesses a slight fear of water (okay, maybe A LOT) but once I focused on something else, the fear was not noticeable. It wasn't the first thing that was on my mind. Hmmmm. I wonder if I can do that in other areas of my life that are uncomfortable or frightful for me, I asked myself. I think taking that first step onto the pier was my strength...and that strength carried me through to the end of it. So, I thought again, if I were to take that first step in my personal life, my goals, my desires, perhaps it would escalate into reality, as long as I focused on the beauty along the way.

I have alot of unanswered questions about myself still, to this day, about what makes Michelle tick. But I'm learning. I'm letting go of the fear. I'm letting go of that girl who tries to be perfect in everything she does because I'm finally realizing that trying to be perfect is miserable. It's really okay to get a little messy sometimes and make mistakes. I won't die from them. The people who truly love and care for me have still continued to do so and some have only gotten closer and more loving along the way. I think my different attitude has actually put THEM at ease. So, here I go...I'm taking my first few steps onto the Pier of My Personal Life and I'm ready. Ready to face what lies at the end.

If it's pain or joy, it does not matter. I can accept both. I have to leave what is not working for me NOW. I have to at least give it a chance, to get my toes wet, dare to live and not look at what "could" have been but MAKE IT SO. We are on borrowed time, each of us, and if we don't take the oars and progress forward, we will float and drift the rest of our days. I'm soooo done with that. I'm done with being around people who only wish to keep you tethered to the shore. I'm looking out to the horizon...what is there is up to me. I'm happy to finally say, IT'S ALL UP TO ME this time.

Well, except for the part where I get dizzy and lose my bikini. :P

Talk to you soon. Posting pics soon. God bless.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DUTCHIEKIWI 9/19/2011 10:18PM

    :0)

xoxoxoxox

'Nuf said....'

Dutchie

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GEEMAWEST 9/17/2011 9:50PM

    Well said!!

Love ya bunches!!

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CHERIRIDDELL 9/17/2011 5:13PM

    What a lovely picture you paint .I love the beach but know we have to remember how powerful the waves can be. Life is a learning experience what makes us tick is always under review. It is always fun to keep learning more about ourselves and then we finally become comfortable in our skin.

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KATVHALE 9/17/2011 5:08PM

  Well now you found out why I live in Florida! I love the ocean and the beach and wind and sky and I try to visit the beach every chance I get. Looking out at the vastness of the Atlantic only humbles me before my Heavenly Father. He is soooo much bigger than all of us!

Just like you were focused on the water and taking those pics, He wants you to keep focused on Him.... Hey if you do, you might just be able to walk on the water!

Glad you are enjoying your holiday!

Kat

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WENDYSPARKS 9/16/2011 6:08PM

    emoticon

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CUPCAKE2CARROTS 9/16/2011 6:05PM

    Thanks for the wonderful blog. I ran across it through another sparky. I hope you don't mind, but I added you as a sp friend.

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JOHNTJ1 9/16/2011 5:53PM

    I agree with Barb

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FLEMIDG 9/16/2011 12:53AM

    Oh, Michelle, I have so missed your funny blogs. You have such a way with words. You paint pictures with them. I am glad you survived your "swim" in the ocean and that your sister was there to help you. Boy, you will have some memories of this trip.

I am glad you are beginning to find yourself. I am sure you will love Michelle as much as we all do. Enjoy the rest of your holiday, and stay safe.

Love and hugs. God bless you.

Darlene


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CARTOONB 9/15/2011 10:29PM

    I like Michelle too. I'm glad you are remembering that you like her too.

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DARLENEK04 9/15/2011 8:26PM

  Hang in there kiddo....life is a learning process...


Loveya,
Da
rlene

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CJSARGENT1 9/15/2011 6:46PM

    So true

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CIVIAV 9/15/2011 5:19PM

    AMEN!

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MUSTANG_SALLY2 9/15/2011 3:07PM

    Just think of all the post-vacation stories in which you will be included! Wow! You'll be the famous bikini-less lady. LOL Woohoo!

I too am delving into what makes me tick. Let me know if you find any cool tips that would help. This is tough!

Sending you lots of hugs and happy thoughts.

emoticon

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BKNOCK 9/15/2011 2:42PM

    Wow, nothing like the waves toss to make you appreciate life! Don't you love that taste and the sting. Glad you survived!

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HWNHMMBRD 9/15/2011 1:55PM

    “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” ― Neale Donald Walsch.
You are pushing past your comfort zone and making new discoveries. That is so emoticon

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OLDERDANDRT 9/15/2011 1:49PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 9/15/2011 11:44AM

    So glad you didn't puke when you saw the ocean! emoticon

You're doing so well, my friend! emoticon

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KAILYNSTAR 9/15/2011 11:30AM

    I would love to see the ocean. I bet that is majestic.

So glad that you are having a good time.

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MISS_VIV 9/15/2011 11:21AM

    BONINE...............for persons prone to motion sickness, etc. Works great on the ocean.. why not on the shore, or the pier??

they hav NATURAL relief at the health food stores......check it out.

YOU WILL LOVE THE WATER.................

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