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Slowing Down

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

When I opened my eyes this morning, I heard the gentle pitter-patter of the rain on the windows. The house, in its morning solitude, allowed me to lie there and lazily dream in, dream out, to relish the meditative song of the falling water, lulling me into peace and solitude. It wasn't but a few years ago that I woke to the voices of my children, excitedly getting ready for their day, maybe even quarreling over their rights to the bathrooms or laughing at each other's jokes....

But this is good.

This is very good. As much as I miss them and the fact that I wouldn't trade those years for ANYTHING, I find myself enjoying this time of peace. Lazily, I stretch my arms over my head and push my feet from beneath the covers. Or I will roll over and bury my face into the pillow and smile. I didn't know that empty-nest syndrome would hold such little gifts for me to enjoy. I didn't know that having the last serving of ice cream could taste so good. Or that taking a few extra minutes to soak in a hot bubble bath could rejuvenate my spirit.

But it has.

I miss my kids, and their friends, tearing through the living room at break-neck speed, sharing the day's events with me. But I also like watching my favorite program uninterrupted. I love taking as much time as I want in my woods, quietly reflecting on nature, the beauty of it as it surrounds me in it's raw, gorgeous embrace. I miss having them with me during these times, but there are new things I've discovered in my own backyard that I haven't seen before. Nor heard before. I miss having my phone calls to and from my friends interrupted with a fact they needed to share at THAT VERY MOMENT. But everyone knows not to interrupt me when I'm on the phone with my kids. It seems so odd to converse with them this way now. But for some reason, the conversations are more meaningful, more special because they are not every day. They are mature, deeper conversations about what they are searching for in life, not who stuck whose tongue out at who....

I like my new relationship with them. My oldest has taken a job at GE in Kansas City. The second oldest is raising my grandson, working and going to school. Bre is at OU, volunteering, making the Dean's List and finding new things about herself every day. Paul is on the road to self-discovery...it's a difficult road for him but I know deep down he has the strength to overcome his adversities and will come back to us when he is ready, settled, and strong in his ability to believe the wonderful things about himself. I trust them. I trust them all.

Now, it's my turn. To lie in bed for as long as I wish. To listen to MY music in the car and to dance in the living room to the beat of my own drum. It's my turn to indulge in going to lunch with my friends and to see a movie JUST BECAUSE. Because I can. Because I WANT TO.

This is good.

This is very very good....

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GREGGWEISBROD 12/4/2013 7:55AM

    This post felt like one long peaceful and relaxing exhale. Years and years ago, when I was 19, I was up at summer camp leading a section of counsellors and their campers. Every night I got to sleep in my own cabin, and that first paragraph of yours took me back to the many nights a and early mornings that I'd spend - safe from the craziness of the kids and all the fires I had to put out on a daily basis. Be it the rain through the trees overhead, or the sound of the waves on the lake crashing against rocks not far from me, it was that same feeling of serenity. Those moments are like little miracles for the soul. Glad you had that. :-)

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MR5STRING 9/28/2011 9:28PM

    time for winter on that tropical island !!!!!... :) emoticon

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TRENTDREAMER 9/28/2011 7:41PM

    :)

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FLEMIDG 9/28/2011 12:37AM

    I used to think how good it will be when my two boys (men really) get out on their own and leave me alone so that I can do what I want when I want, but now that I have lost my DH, I wonder how I am going to manage on my own. I am glad you are enjoying this time, Michelle. You need some time for you. Take care and enjoy.

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CARTOONB 9/27/2011 11:32PM

    If it gets too good, let me know. I have a 15yo and a 12yo that can take you back.

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DARLENEK04 9/27/2011 11:13PM

  Yup...told you to be patient, see even though we love them,
eventually they become adults and we like them and who they
have become.

Hugs,
Darlene

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KATVHALE 9/27/2011 10:20PM

  We all need our own space at times; enjoy!

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JERMADSON7 9/27/2011 9:08PM

    You did good. You did very, very good.

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HOT4FITNESS 9/27/2011 5:21PM

    Life is good. We have been empty nesters for 2 years now and I enjoy not having to share the computer or having to watch espn 24/7. What a wonderful morning to listen to the rain and a just be still and know the He is God

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KAILYNSTAR 9/27/2011 4:44PM

    My husband and I were married for 4.5 years before we had any children and I wouldn't trade that for anything. We both remember a time when it was the two of us. Now that we have a house full of children and then sometimes their friends. I relish it. I know that this time is fleeting. For one day, I will be able to sleep in and watch on tv what I want to watch and look forward to the times when my children will come home to see me and their father.

I miss those kind of days, yet I am looking forward to the future.

Right now...I'm just reading and relaxing....

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OLDERDANDRT 9/27/2011 1:29PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CHRIS3215 9/27/2011 1:26PM

    I hear yea I am an empty nester & I have a love & hate relationship with it..
I love it when my kids were home also..
BUT we all leave & go on with our life & build there own families..
I am Blessed with 4 beautiful grand babies which I can't get enough of..
I'm so glad you are finding the time to discover you & life too..

At times I too enjoy the quiet times but yes remember when they were home too..LIFE goes on..
Thanks Have a Great Day!!

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 9/27/2011 9:06AM

    It was hard to read your blog this morning since I am having a nostalgic period in my life. I miss my kids. emoticon
I need to work harder on getting my attitude adjusted like you have.

Comment edited on: 9/27/2011 9:06:24 AM

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EMILY0724 9/27/2011 8:57AM

    Great attitude!

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LIZZYP609 9/27/2011 8:48AM

    Life is Good!

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BKNOCK 9/27/2011 8:07AM

    Sounds good! emoticon

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JOHNTJ1 9/27/2011 7:54AM

    We are often so busy being busy that the beautiful calm you described seems to sneak up on us and it always seems to be such a welcome suprise. We work hard all of our lives to do "whats right" and one day we realize that despite our best efforts to the contrary, at times, we are a success and not to shabby for that matter either.

Finding peace within ourselves is a most amazing discovery. I am happy for you.

Much Love

John

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CHALLENGER15 9/27/2011 7:44AM

    Yes! I agree...

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LINDAKAY228 9/27/2011 6:31AM

    I'm actually jealous because my kids keep coming back home and bringing their kids with them LOL! I have one daughter with her 3 kids living with me for over a year. But when they weren't here I enjoyed so much some of the things you're talking about and miss it. I love my grandkids and my kids but each stage of our life has special things to offer. Glad you're finding so much enjoyment in it. Even with them here there are still a lot of things I can do, like take off for a day without having to worry about a babysitter or lock myself in my room with peace and quiet because I'm not responsible for them in the same way as when they were kids and I do enjoy the freedom so much. I would like the chance to soak in the bathtub longer though LOL!
Have a wonderful day today.

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CHERIRIDDELL 9/27/2011 1:10AM

    Yes I am experiencing the same thing me and my old dog ,my husband is still off being a soldier so some times it is True and I (and my odd sense of humour ) but I am enjoying it as well.I also enjoy this time to visit with my friends !

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CIVIAV 9/27/2011 12:59AM

    Ah such lovely stuff to live!

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DEE107 9/27/2011 12:39AM

    yes my friend it is a good thing ,,, hugs and have a great day

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I Think I Get It Now....

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Ahh, such a nice change of pace....

Letting go and accepting the events in your life. It doesn't have to be perfect. Life doesn't. You can still find peace and contentment in the disorder around you, especially when you learn to accept that nothing is ever neat and clean, very seldom is it 100% as you wish it to be. But the thing that you can always count on is the loving hand of God caressing your weary shoulders and whispering, "Just lean on me, I am ALWAYS here..." It's taken me a loooong time to get to this place. It's taken many stumbles that have left me on my face, bruised and bleeding, shaken, for me to realize that there was always a hand to help me stand once again. And in that stance, gathering my strength once again, was a love as warm as the rising summer sun. I may have given up on me at times, but He didn't. Never once. It was never His option....

I am the type of person who would rather retreat into a cubby hole and lick my wounds, alone, from the eyes of others. I find myself at times pulling away from the people whom I love the most, especially when I need them the most. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve for awhile then distance myself, either out of shame or weariness...not fair to them, I know. But I also did that with God. Or tried to. I THOUGHT I was hiding from Him, but it seemed He always found me. Even when I didn't want to be found. He doesn't give up so easily. He doesn't give up AT ALL.

My life isn't perfect. Far from it. I am far from perfect. But, my GOSH, it feels so good to just let that "goal" go. I am imperfect. My life is, gulp, imperfect. And IT IS IN GOD'S HANDS, not my own. What will be, will be. I am where I am supposed to be RIGHT NOW. My life is as it should be RIGHT NOW. And even though I am imperfect, my God still loves me for who I am. He has forgiven me for my sins. He has looked past my faults and seen His child, hugged His child and accepted His child for who she is. My God loves me. He loves me for who I am, who I will be and, most importantly, what I will be NOT.

I am set in stone. My life and what it is supposed to be is painted on God's canvas, lovingly created by His brushstrokes. He didn't promise me or anyone else that it was going to be easy. I wouldn't WANT it to be! I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't go through the heartaches and turbulence that I have suffered in my life. I would be spoiled, ungrateful and selfish. I wouldn't have empathy or sympathy for those around me.

I wouldn't be here.

No, my life isn't perfect. It never was nor will it ever be.

But my God is.......and He loves me. That's ALL I need.

God bless you all...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HISFREESPIRIT 9/28/2011 12:41AM

    It is like I was reading my own thoughts.
Thanks for sharing

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FLYER99 9/24/2011 8:49AM

    What a beautiful blog. Thanks so much for posting!
emoticon

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CIVIAV 9/23/2011 2:59PM

    I don't think I've ever met you in person, how is it that you know me so well?
Oh, describing yourself were you?
Glad you know you have what you need beautiful!

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LUVMYCRAZYKIDS 9/23/2011 11:00AM

    Beautiful...

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MAMADWARF 9/23/2011 10:57AM

    That was beautifully written and sincere. Sometimes I forget that. I have faith but there have been times when I have been much closer to God than I am right now. It does always give me peace knowing he is always there for us and loves us no matter what. Thanks for the reminder.

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JOHNTJ1 9/23/2011 10:39AM

    I woke up one night around three am to use the bathroom. As I am traversing my way back to bed a voice deep inside of me speaks and says "I love you just the way you are." It was like someone took a bucket of warm love and poured it over the top of me. A few days later I received am email from a spark friend in Italy. She had attended a prayer meeting the previous meeting and as she prayed God spoke to her heart. "Tell John, I love him just the way he is."

To understand and feel the love of God is amazing, isnt it? I'm so glad you had a chance to experience this. Words cannot express my joy for you Michelle.

Much Love

John

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MUSTANG_SALLY2 9/23/2011 9:53AM

    The letting go is the hard part. I'm happy for you.

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USFBULL 9/23/2011 12:16AM

    Nothing like Florida sand to bring it all home. Nicely worded Spark friend. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CARTOONB 9/22/2011 11:40PM

    I'm so glad you found yourself again.

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KATVHALE 9/22/2011 6:44PM

  A lot of our trials are because of our own pride and bad choices. God doesn't cause these things but He allows us to experience these bad things in order to bring us closer to Him.

Thank God that you have realized that girl and are now comfortably snuggled under His wing. Don't venture too far from Him again!

God Bless You!

Kat

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DARLENEK04 9/22/2011 4:38PM

  Well spoken kiddo.................

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STAYCXL-NOMORE 9/22/2011 11:40AM

    Amen , beautifully said !!
Stayc

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KAILYNSTAR 9/22/2011 11:33AM

    Sigh...Just letting the love of God wash over me after I finished reading your blog.

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BKNOCK 9/22/2011 10:59AM

    Our God is an Awesome God!

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MISS_VIV 9/22/2011 9:38AM

    God gives us the power to change what we can with his help.
You are a sweet person, good, humble and knowing. You can do whatever you need to do with Him

BIG HUGS emoticon

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 9/22/2011 9:38AM

    Oh, what a beautiful blog and testament of what God does with our lives when we allow Him into our hearts! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LINDAKAY228 9/22/2011 9:30AM

    I love your blog! I have been at the point a number of times where I can't feel God's presence in my life and His arm around me until I stop struggling and relax into it. He is always there waiting for us and reaching out to us, it is us who fight and make it so much harder sometimes. Glad you've found that special place again.

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BABYTUXXY 9/22/2011 7:25AM

    May the good Lord watch over you and bless you.

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CHERIRIDDELL 9/21/2011 11:45PM

    May God Bless you !While we may not be perfect ,we don't need to be ,our friends love us as we are our with all our imperfections we are still lovable , in not only God's eyes but in the eyes of our true friends.We are grateful to have you as a friend and don't expect you to be perfect we think you are wonderful and if you have something go wrong we will always be here for you .Friends always .

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Poking My Head In...

Thursday, September 15, 2011

I was walking under the pier this morning in search of more awesome pics, trying to avoid the jelly fish that had washed up onto the shore. They were deceased but I didn't know if they could still sting you (or possibly eat your face off) so I was vigilant about where I placed my sandaled feet. Every-so-often another person would pass and we would exchange a few pleasantries, such as a "How are YOU today?" or a nod and I would smile, basking in the realization that no matter where a person is from, there is a bond that connects all human beings. We all strive to be pleasant or friendly, even when one has sand in their teeth and hair...

I wasn't exactly thrilled to walk on the pier that stretched out into the ocean. Again, the rolling waves have a dizzying effect on my senses and a few days ago, my face bit a thrashing wave rolling to shore. (It was a good thing my sister Marie was there to drag my limp and fear-paralyzed body to the seaside. Amidst the screeches and laughter, my bathing suit top had decided to disconnect itself from my upper torso and she threw herself on top of me to shield me from the gazes of fellow vacationers who were peeing themselves from laughter...) I timidly stepped onto the entrance of the pier, one eye closed, the other slightly squinty, and was immediately confronted by a blue heron who wanted my Fritos. He was a friendly little fellow until I tried to get a picture. I became so enthralled with the birds and the fisherman, that I forgot where I was until I reached the end of the pier. When I looked out onto the ocean, I was mesmerized. Utterly and completely mesmerized.

Leaning over the railing JUST A TAD, I looked down into the clear bluish-green waters and felt something click. Yes, I'm a person who does not do well on boats and who possesses a slight fear of water (okay, maybe A LOT) but once I focused on something else, the fear was not noticeable. It wasn't the first thing that was on my mind. Hmmmm. I wonder if I can do that in other areas of my life that are uncomfortable or frightful for me, I asked myself. I think taking that first step onto the pier was my strength...and that strength carried me through to the end of it. So, I thought again, if I were to take that first step in my personal life, my goals, my desires, perhaps it would escalate into reality, as long as I focused on the beauty along the way.

I have alot of unanswered questions about myself still, to this day, about what makes Michelle tick. But I'm learning. I'm letting go of the fear. I'm letting go of that girl who tries to be perfect in everything she does because I'm finally realizing that trying to be perfect is miserable. It's really okay to get a little messy sometimes and make mistakes. I won't die from them. The people who truly love and care for me have still continued to do so and some have only gotten closer and more loving along the way. I think my different attitude has actually put THEM at ease. So, here I go...I'm taking my first few steps onto the Pier of My Personal Life and I'm ready. Ready to face what lies at the end.

If it's pain or joy, it does not matter. I can accept both. I have to leave what is not working for me NOW. I have to at least give it a chance, to get my toes wet, dare to live and not look at what "could" have been but MAKE IT SO. We are on borrowed time, each of us, and if we don't take the oars and progress forward, we will float and drift the rest of our days. I'm soooo done with that. I'm done with being around people who only wish to keep you tethered to the shore. I'm looking out to the horizon...what is there is up to me. I'm happy to finally say, IT'S ALL UP TO ME this time.

Well, except for the part where I get dizzy and lose my bikini. :P

Talk to you soon. Posting pics soon. God bless.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DUTCHIEKIWI 9/19/2011 10:18PM

    :0)

xoxoxoxox

'Nuf said....'

Dutchie

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GEEMAWEST 9/17/2011 9:50PM

    Well said!!

Love ya bunches!!

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CHERIRIDDELL 9/17/2011 5:13PM

    What a lovely picture you paint .I love the beach but know we have to remember how powerful the waves can be. Life is a learning experience what makes us tick is always under review. It is always fun to keep learning more about ourselves and then we finally become comfortable in our skin.

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KATVHALE 9/17/2011 5:08PM

  Well now you found out why I live in Florida! I love the ocean and the beach and wind and sky and I try to visit the beach every chance I get. Looking out at the vastness of the Atlantic only humbles me before my Heavenly Father. He is soooo much bigger than all of us!

Just like you were focused on the water and taking those pics, He wants you to keep focused on Him.... Hey if you do, you might just be able to walk on the water!

Glad you are enjoying your holiday!

Kat

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WENDYSPARKS 9/16/2011 6:08PM

    emoticon

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CUPCAKE2CARROTS 9/16/2011 6:05PM

    Thanks for the wonderful blog. I ran across it through another sparky. I hope you don't mind, but I added you as a sp friend.

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JOHNTJ1 9/16/2011 5:53PM

    I agree with Barb

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FLEMIDG 9/16/2011 12:53AM

    Oh, Michelle, I have so missed your funny blogs. You have such a way with words. You paint pictures with them. I am glad you survived your "swim" in the ocean and that your sister was there to help you. Boy, you will have some memories of this trip.

I am glad you are beginning to find yourself. I am sure you will love Michelle as much as we all do. Enjoy the rest of your holiday, and stay safe.

Love and hugs. God bless you.

Darlene


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CARTOONB 9/15/2011 10:29PM

    I like Michelle too. I'm glad you are remembering that you like her too.

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DARLENEK04 9/15/2011 8:26PM

  Hang in there kiddo....life is a learning process...


Loveya,
Da
rlene

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CJSARGENT1 9/15/2011 6:46PM

    So true

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CIVIAV 9/15/2011 5:19PM

    AMEN!

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MUSTANG_SALLY2 9/15/2011 3:07PM

    Just think of all the post-vacation stories in which you will be included! Wow! You'll be the famous bikini-less lady. LOL Woohoo!

I too am delving into what makes me tick. Let me know if you find any cool tips that would help. This is tough!

Sending you lots of hugs and happy thoughts.

emoticon

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BKNOCK 9/15/2011 2:42PM

    Wow, nothing like the waves toss to make you appreciate life! Don't you love that taste and the sting. Glad you survived!

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HWNHMMBRD 9/15/2011 1:55PM

    “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” ― Neale Donald Walsch.
You are pushing past your comfort zone and making new discoveries. That is so emoticon

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OLDERDANDRT 9/15/2011 1:49PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 9/15/2011 11:44AM

    So glad you didn't puke when you saw the ocean! emoticon

You're doing so well, my friend! emoticon

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KAILYNSTAR 9/15/2011 11:30AM

    I would love to see the ocean. I bet that is majestic.

So glad that you are having a good time.

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MISS_VIV 9/15/2011 11:21AM

    BONINE...............for persons prone to motion sickness, etc. Works great on the ocean.. why not on the shore, or the pier??

they hav NATURAL relief at the health food stores......check it out.

YOU WILL LOVE THE WATER.................

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Realizations

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

I am currently sitting in my hotel room in Fort Walton Beach, Florida, staring out my patio doors, watching the sudsy white tide race toward the sand below my balcony. It is surprisingly uninhabited except for a few wanderers searching for shells. My two sisters and niece have departed for a boat excursion to view the dolphins and do some snorkeling. I have gracefully and thankfully not taken part in this little excursion due to my nauseating habit of throwing up while riding a vehicle on the water. I wish I could have gone but found great joy in watching their excitement as they prepared for their trip. It was almost like watching two little kids getting amped for Christmas. I am happy, however, to have a few hours of quiet to reflect on what this trip has meant to me.

First, I am very happy to have some MUCH NEEDED time away from work. Obviously. I am touched, however, at the multitude of texts and emails from my co-workers who have said they miss me and my presence. It tells me that I am doing something right when my co-workers tell me that their shifts just aren't the same when I am not there. It really touches my heart. I actually wondered if I was liked at all! But the night before my departure, I was given so many hugs and well-wishes that I was beginning to wonder if I had fallen through a warp-hole and landed in the Twilight Zone. I will go back this Saturday, rejuvenated, burnt to a crisp, with a new perspective on the people I know there. One fella even told me on the phone that the place was not the same without me and that it actually seemed a little quiet and sad. Maybe he's just brown-nosing for a souvenir?

My daughter has been at college for a few week's now and she has been calling me to tell of her new adventures. It would have been nice if she could have joined us. But I send her pictures every chance I get of my sisters' and my adventures and she tells me that she almost feels like she is here. Well, it really isn't the same and it has given me reason to make plans for her and I to come here ourselves next summer before she leaves for her junior year of college. I think that would be nice...just her and I. A time to bond further and get to know her, the new woman that she has become.

I've realized new things about myself as well. I like how the sun feels on my skin while splashing in the waves. I like the Florida people and how they have made me feel most welcome in their territory. They are very friendly folks who come from all walks of life and I love the diversity and different cultures of people. I found out that my sisters have a wild streak and I see them for the child-like and fun-loving women that they really are. My oldest sister is 62-years-old and when she ran into the ocean laughing and giggling, tears stung my eyes; I couldn't wait to rush to her, hold her hand and laugh right along with her. When she hugged me and told me how happy she was that I came, I could only nod my head and hold her closer as the tears threatened to cascade down my face. My mother would have loved this time. She never had the opportunity to see the ocean. Or see her babies frolic in the misty white coolness bonding closer than they have ever been before.

I am at peace in so many ways these days. Even before my trip, I was delving deep into my heart to find my true self. I've realized that some of my old ways and beliefs do not work for me anymore. I still have the love of my Lord in my heart and believe that He is with me, beside me, loving me and holding me to Him. But, I also believe that He does not want me to be miserable and stifled in my own self-imposed limitations and I have vowed to break out, to become more than what I was, more than what I used to be. Just as I put my toes into the ocean and felt it's beautiful coolness, I am treading the waters of the unknown and have discovered that I am a woman of substance. I am not chained to routines or people that hinder my growth. I have the ability to break free and just BE ME. For I am my own woman, my own personality, and someone whom I've grown to like. I like me. I like who I am becoming and I am at peace with my new discoveries and the traits of my character that I've realized I possess.

I am no longer chained to that woman who didn't dare to try new things. I am giving my heart louder, more freely. In my desire to not be hurt, I shielded myself. That is not the answer. The answer is to open up more and in doing so, I found someone that I would love to be friends with...ME.

I think I'm going to go to the little restaurant that's by the pier. Yes, by myself. I am going to order the biggest hamburger they have and, when I am finished, I'm going to walk down to the beach and watch the sun set. I am going to embrace the breeze on my face and bury my toes deeply into the sand. That's what my heart is telling me to do...and I'm going to LISTEN.

When I return home, I will share my photos with you. Bless you all. In loving myself more, I have found that I love you more as well....

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHERIRIDDELL 9/17/2011 5:17PM

    So glad that your trip has been such an awesome bonding experience.I am delighted for you and glad you have time to relax and enjoy yourself .Wish I could join you!

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WALKOFFWIN 9/15/2011 12:31AM

    Beautiful, Michelle! Just beautiful! I'm so happy for you...
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GEEMAWEST 9/14/2011 9:31PM

    Sounds like such a wonderful time! Wish I was there!

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KAILYNSTAR 9/14/2011 2:03PM

    Life is not about living with other people's ideas and beliefs. I believe life is ment to be lived just being.

You are being in the moment. You're not stressed out by others at this time and it's so very good for you. I'm glad that you are happy.

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OLDERDANDRT 9/14/2011 1:49PM

    Hon, I'm so glad you have found yourself and are enjoying these discoveries at such a beautiful place as a Florida beach! Looking forward to pics, but most looking forward to hearing more revitalized blogs from you! You deserve to be happy and enjoy the finer, simpler things life has to offer. God love ya, my friend!! Be blessed as you are, to so many, a blessing!!! emoticon emoticon

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LINDAKAY228 9/14/2011 11:33AM

    I'm so happy that you are finding who you really are and are at peace with yourself. That is so hard to do sometimes but so worth it when we do find that place. You are growing and that is awesome. Glad you are having such a great time.

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 9/14/2011 9:58AM

    It was so good to hear the contentment in your blog! You are really moving along and have come so far! Good for you, my friend! And I'm going to try that ginger root myself! Thanks to your friend for that information! emoticon

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HUZZAH39 9/14/2011 9:55AM

    Michelle, Once again you have touched my heart and spoken to it. As you are helping yourself, you are helping others. I have self-imposed chains that need to be released as well. You give me the hope that it can be done. You are such a gifted writer.

Love ya, Christine

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--KREN 9/14/2011 8:16AM

    I know this isn't the topic of your blog, but let me suggest you buy some ginger root capsules at Wal-mart or grocery store and try 2 or 3 of them to cure motion sickness. No side effects, inexpensive and they really work. I missed out on a great many things due to terrible motion sickness and drugs turn me into a zombie. Ginger root is good stuff.

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MUSTANG_SALLY2 9/14/2011 8:15AM

    I'm excited for you and your family to be together and especially at the ocean! I'm very glad you got some time by yourself. I enjoyed your blog and am enjoying watching you blossom. You are writing about many of the things that I've been thinking about recently. How interesting to me that we are in kind of the same place.

I cannot wait to see your pictures. Enjoy the sun. Please wiggle your toes in the sand for me.

emoticon

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JOHNTJ1 9/14/2011 7:48AM

    Even when they are as subtle as enjoying a burger asll by yourself and feeling the power to make that choice in your life, those small changes add up to a greater movement towards finding out whats beneath that exterior we have always thought was us.

Glad you are enjoying your trip

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PJSTIME 9/14/2011 6:28AM

    I am glad to hear you are having a good time. Quiet time alone is good too to reflect and just be with your own thoughts. Enjoy the rest of the trip and know that you are loved.

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FLEMIDG 9/14/2011 12:46AM

    Glad to hear you are having a lot of fun on your vacation. Time away is wonderful. I am glad you are also finding out things about yourself that you didn't know before. Enjoy your time away with your family. I look forward to pictures and to find out what you are discovering about yourself. Time away with your daughter would be a wonderful thing to do. It would be something you would both enjoy and remember for a long time to come.

God bless you. Stay safe. Looking forward to more blogs when you return. Lots of love and hugs coming your way.

Darlene


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CARTOONB 9/13/2011 10:35PM

    I'm so glad you're having fun. I really look forward to the pictures!

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DARLENEK04 9/13/2011 8:19PM

  Looking forward to seeing the pictures.
Hope to spend more time writing soon..

Loveya,
Darlene

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LIZZYP609 9/13/2011 7:52PM

    Looove it! emoticon

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MISS_VIV 9/13/2011 6:56PM

    HUGS
look forward to the pictures and story.



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KEKEIKO 9/13/2011 6:49PM

    Self discovery is a wonderful thing. You're finally doing what makes you happy and not worrying about anyone else this very moment.

A mother daughter time away is a wonderful idea. It will give both of you memories to look back on. I say defintely do it!

So very glad you poke in now and then. emoticon emoticon

Enjoy the rest of your vacation! emoticon

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Just Checking In....

Thursday, September 08, 2011

Okay. It's official. I'm over the hump of Breanna's departure. To her delight, I have stopped texting her every five seconds to check on her whereabouts and if she's eating properly or not. I knew it was time when the last text from her said, "MOTHER, I swear...." Guess that's my sign to stop being a helicopter mom....

I guess it's time to start doing what I have kept saying I was going to do. Be me. Find what makes me tick, what makes me happy, what makes me ME. I have been writing, pouring my heart into articles and getting them out there for whoever will listen. I bought a whole new set of paint supplies. A few new outfits. I've recently taken on meditation and "centering" myself, going to a place of calm within myself that I didn't know I had before. I kinda like the new me. I'm not so bad after all. At least, I don't think so. (There are a few at work, though, who would beg to differ but they'll get over it. Haha...)

I got my nose pierced a few months ago. It was a mother/daughter thing. I liked having it but after it snagged on my blankets for the upteenth time, I knew it was time to let THAT bird fly. It has grown over and I happily bury my face in the covers each night, realizing that 42 year-old-women shouldn't have to worry about ripping steel out of their nostrils. It was something that I always wanted to do. Okay, did it. Didn't like it. Moving on...

My son is almost non-existent. He is going through a time of regret for his past actions and struggling against the pull of returning to his past behaviors. He is trying to shut the people out of his life who have cared for him. I think I understand why. I went through a period of deep shame and trying to push people away from me...all because I didn't believe I was worthy of their forgiveness or love. He is so much like me. So, I understand why he is doing that. I won't ever give up on him and realize that prayer is what makes the pain less painful. So I ask that you continue your prayers his way...

Life is a never-ending journey of ups and downs. I've had my share of downs and I am moving on my way up now. I can only control what I can control and I now refuse to be brought down like I was a few short months ago. I'm stronger than that. I'm smarter than that. And by golly, I'm going to live now.

I'm actually going to be "living" in Florida for a week with my two sisters starting Saturday. That's a start, isn't it? What happens in Florida, stays in Florida. Right? I can hardly wait. My sister bought me a new bathing suit. A one-piece that goes to my knees. We're going to have to do something about that!

So, I will see you guys in a few days....I might even bring back some pics and post them. But until then, I love you all and plan on being more active on Spark soon. It's on my list of must-dos to get myself back in the game of life. AND I MISS YOU ALL SOOOO MUCH!

All my love and prayers.....

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

USFBULL 9/11/2011 2:12PM

    Enjoy Florida, FYI the cockroaches can fly and they call them Palmetto bugs, enjoy the beaches and have some fun in the sun. Glad to see you back. emoticon emoticon

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GEEMAWEST 9/11/2011 12:14PM

    Good to hear from you. Love the new pic of you. Did you cut your hair or is it just tied back? Very cute.

Miss our little 'spats'. emoticon

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JOHNTJ1 9/11/2011 11:31AM

    You have been and always will be in my thoughts and prayers and you stand for me as one of those beacons of hope in life. You are so very strong and brave and inspiring to boot. I am glad you are my friend.

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TRENTDREAMER 9/11/2011 8:42AM

    ""MOTHER, I swear...." Guess that's my sign to stop being a helicopter mom.... "
* sounds about right. restraining orders from children can be tough pills to swallow.

"I guess it's time to start doing what I have kept saying I was going to do. Be me. Find what makes me tick, what makes me happy, what makes me ME. "
* ......

"It has grown over and I happily bury my face in the covers each night, realizing that 42 year-old-women shouldn't have to worry about ripping steel out of their nostrils. "
* that should be towards the bottom of the worry-list, yes.

"Life is a never-ending journey of ups and downs."
* yet the amplitude of the sine/cosine function exists for a reason.

"My sister bought me a new bathing suit. A one-piece that goes to my knees. We're going to have to do something about that! "
* yeah totally, i like the ones that go to the ankles. sew some bunny slippers on that sucker and it can double as a onesie. w00t!!11

"So, I will see you guys in a few days....I might even bring back some pics and post them. But until then, I love you all and plan on being more active on Spark soon. It's on my list of must-dos to get myself back in the game of life. AND I MISS YOU ALL SOOOO MUCH! "
* miss u 2. hope u had a gr8 time in florida

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JUNIAATROME 9/10/2011 10:28AM

    emoticon can't wait to have you back!

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FLEMIDG 9/9/2011 11:59PM

    I am so glad to hear that things are going better for you. I will continue to pray for your son and for you. Enjoy yourself with your sisters. Let your hair down and have some fun. Relax and just be. Looking forward to more posts when you return. God bless you.

Love and hugs.

Darlene


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CARTOONB 9/9/2011 11:01PM

    Yippee!!! Good to hear that you are on the upswing. Hope you get yourself to a good spot and can level off.

Really? A nose ring? And you didn't like it? Sounds painful to me...but this 42-year old woman is a bit of a sissy when it comes to pain. emoticon

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DARLENEK04 9/9/2011 1:39PM

  will keep praying for your son....keep moving on and looking up.
I am here if you need me...

Darlene

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OLDERDANDRT 9/9/2011 12:54PM

    emoticon emoticon Have a great time !! You deserve tobe super happy!! emoticon

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KAILYNSTAR 9/9/2011 11:27AM

    Have fun on your trip to Florida! Sounds like a good time to be had.

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LINDAKAY228 9/9/2011 11:17AM

    Glad that you are starting to setting in to the transition to your new life and to find some of the opportunities that are there waiting for you to learn and experience. I know it's not easy, but it sounds like you are starting to find your way. Hope you have a great time in Florida!

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 9/9/2011 9:31AM

    How I wish I had sisters! Lucky you! That sounds like so much fun! I am so glad that you are doing better! A few blogs ago, I was really concerned! You sound like you really are on the upward swing, and I hope you stay there! You are PRECIOUS! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CIVIAV 9/9/2011 9:17AM

    And keep remembering how worthy you are! Sounding good love!

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LIZZYP609 9/9/2011 7:18AM

    Love you like Crazy! Have a great time in Florida! emoticon

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PJSTIME 9/9/2011 6:51AM

    Have a fun time in FLorida and continue to heal yourself. You are a wonderful person, wife and mother and you need to take care of you. Its hard to let go of our children but we must let them become the person they are meant to be.

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LMB-ESQ 9/9/2011 6:14AM

    Mine was "Mom, would you please just lay off!" LOL

Have a great time in Florida! You deserve it!

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ELYMWX 9/9/2011 1:46AM

    We'll still be here, Michelle! Good luck finding your centered self.

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MADDEELOU 9/8/2011 11:50PM

    Have a safe and fabulous trip. LOL about the nose ring.....happy snuggling.

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MISS_VIV 9/8/2011 11:39PM

    WOOHOO............HAVE A GREAT TIME WITH SISTER ...

send pictures.
emoticon

Stay centered.
Stay well
Stay safe.


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CHERIRIDDELL 9/8/2011 11:33PM

    Have a wonderful time in Florida that sounds like great fun !I will look forward to your return!

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EVRLNGFOO 9/8/2011 11:27PM

    have a great time in fl! this sounds like a great time for you to discover who you are and find your amazing self! have fun!

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