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Well My Spark Friends I am Jumping IN!!

Monday, September 03, 2012

I am a fan of just about any kind of music. I have a favorite country song right now by Dallas Smith called "Jumped Right In" I have listened to it about 5 times this morning so far.
It's a song about "back then" when we just ran into life at full speed with no fear.. nothing to lose. (Well thats what we thought anyway)
I love it because it reminds me of how brave I was back then - life hadnt kicked my ass yet and I was so unafraid to try anything even with the consequences that came with it.
Yes I made a ton of mistakes that I learned from, some I repeated a few times before I got it.. but I lived life-I lived my life full speed.
I have been living a half a life it seems this past few years - I didnt see what was happening to me, slowly closing myself off from fun, from adventure, from life.. I let myself shut down, hibernate, hide.
I started taking a peek outside of that when I joined Spark - slowly regaining that "Spark" inside me. That spark of life that never quite went out but was just a little dim for awhile.
I have found myself daydreaming this past week on and off.. making lists of what new things to try - reconnecting with people who have been jumping into life full speed and feeling myself opening up again after so many years.
Its not a bucket list.. its a list of right now - a list of things that I can do in the next month, the next six months, the next year.. attainable crazy fun "what the heck are you doing" kind of things that make my heart race just thinking about them.
Weight has been an issue yep. That is for sure.. but its coming off and my life is still ahead of me - bright and shining and full of moments of awesome.
I have written the one part of the song in my journal..its on a sticky on my fridge.. on my screen saver - to remind me that we are never too old.

I am ready and in the next few months I want you my Spark Friends to keep me accountable.. I am going to start my list here - and as I go I will get back here with pictures and let my life unfold with the friends here that have helped me find this spark again..

"...And we didnt know any better back then~well we ran full speed, and closed our eyes....and we jumped right in.."

Yeah.. we sure did... I want to always hold onto that and not forget it in the past.
Grab these moments big and small.... Run full speed.. Close my eyes and Jump right in..

Here I go xooxoxoxox

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BOPPY_ 4/20/2013 11:08PM

    Keep after it.


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MICHELLE_391 9/7/2012 1:19PM

    I may not read all the blogs I've subscribed to every day, but I do check in as often as I can. I'll be here to cheer you on, because you will do this. You are doing it. You are on your way to reclaiming your health.

It's a really big deal! emoticon

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MUFFIY831 9/4/2012 9:14PM

    Love this, thank you!

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AQUAGIRL08 9/3/2012 9:09PM

    Great blog! I hope others read it and are inspired by you too! Thanks for sharing.

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Short Blog ~ The Lunatic will not make me stress eat!

Friday, August 17, 2012

A short blog entry.. I am visiting Spark even though I should be packing and getting ready to leave on a road trip. My guy emoticon and I are heading to grandson's 1st birthday weekend 5 hours away.
It will be wonderful to see him and ArayahGrace.. the trouble is Randy's ex wife of course. We just spent last weekend out of town for my oldest stepdaughters wedding in the mountains.
Beautiful wedding..intimate.. stunning.. romantic. With the "EX" popping up in the middle any moment she had a chance. Her long time guy was there as well.. and for some reason chose to become friends with Randy and I last weekend. Weird..but ok. He's a nice guy. The Lunatic however..not so nice.
She is convinced Randy is still in love with her (they split up 15 years ago). Randy is not however..and has given up even trying to convince her. We have a good relationship-he is kind and honest and I trust him. So its not any jealousy thing.. it is the amazement that this woman does not:
A) have a filter - she just blurts out anything that comes to mind
B) have something else (like her children ie//wedding?) to keep her occupied.
C) have a muzzle.
The Lunatic finds every opportunity to find him... sit with us.. sit at the next table, sit on the table.... I find myself daydreaming about how she may disappear suddenly.. and if anyone would notice. Ugh. I dont like being mean..I really dont but ....
She made a comment to Randys daughter before the wedding.. that it does not matter what my dress looks like as I will still be fat. (She is more like a stick insect-very thin.. not in a good healthy way) At first I was mortified. I was ashamed..and I felt my self esteem drop about 1 million points.
And I surprised myself. I didnt run to Randy and say "Guess what ***** said!" In fact..I didnt even mention it to him at all.
I made myself go look in the mirror.. I had just had my hair cut and highlighted.. I have lost 24 lbs in the last few months. I had my dress made for me-formal and fitted.. and I have all of my own teeth.. and I smiled. I actually smiled at me.
I am not at my goal yet. Nope. I am working on it really hard - and I still can grab comfort food when I am really down. I am not sure if that will ever really disappear entirely.
But instead of eating my feelings the day of the wedding.. I lifted my chin.. stood up straight.. had my hair done that day.. had my makeup done..and walked in with Randy smiling and happy- proud of who I am. Not of who I am going to be... proud of this moment.. at this weight.
This weekend will be another full of weird antics.. but I am no longer allowing anyone in this world.. to have the power to cause me to feel less than great..
I am me.. and despite what the Lunatic thinks- I am...some kind of wonderful.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MANDY22Q 8/21/2012 11:48AM

    I'm also a step mom. to teenagers. I have a five year old with hubby. We could swap ex wife storys all day long. When I was reading it I thought I was reading something I could have written.
What to do with crazy exs other then choose to ingore their behaviors. hubbys ex loves to point out she was there first. she's the kids mom and that she is also skinner. she's 4"11 about 100 pounds.
so I can relate to this in a few different ways.
good job bloging about it and not venting it out at hubby.

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MICHELLE_391 8/19/2012 8:08PM

    You are strong! You are healthy! And you can't be knocked off course by an "ex-" She's history! You and your present and future are all that matter now.


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AQUAGIRL08 8/18/2012 3:08PM

    You certainly are some kind of wonderful! You know what else is wonderful? The great dialogue that you had with yourself at the wedding. Learning to love ourselves as we are right now is hard and you are doing a great job!

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JOESFARMGIRL 8/17/2012 12:26PM

    Hi - Do NOT, I repeat, NOT, let the lunatic get to you. The comments and delusions are from a jealous woman. You look amazing and I'm betting that she has noticed every one of those 40+ pounds that are not there and has been hearing about how great you look, how happy Randy looks, for a while now so her only option is to try and tear down your self confidence.

My new husband's crazy ex might be her sister! I'm not a size 4 like she was. And you know what? My husband said he never realized how much he likes a woman who looks like a woman and not a stick (or stick insect!). The lunatic sees it.

So smile, enjoy how amazing you look, and have a great weekend!

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You Earn Your Body

Sunday, July 22, 2012

I saw that today - and put it in my profile. I have been working pretty hard and getting healthier - my weight is going down. But like so many others I am wanting quicker results..faster weight loss... lightening fast pounds melting off..
But I saw online:

You will earn your body
I want to get healthy.
I want to look better.
I will eat right.
I will exercise.
I will earn my body.

I love that idea.. Nothing worth having comes easy.
I Will ... Earn My Body.
Because something that special - great health.. healthy body.. is not going to come without earning it first.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IRONBLOSSOM 8/16/2012 2:30PM

    So very true. I need to find the comic that says "I've been dieting ALL MORNING, why aren't I skinny YET!!"


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BRAVENEWGRL 8/16/2012 2:13PM

    Awesome reminder!

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TEENY_BIKINI 8/16/2012 12:13PM

    Oh, I just love this! Nothing could be truer. It's definitely not free.

Battle on!


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AQUAGIRL08 7/24/2012 5:21PM

    What a great reminder! Thanks for the thought!

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MICHELLE_391 7/23/2012 8:48PM

    emoticon This is a very inspirational blog! Thank you - and you're right. We've got to earn what we want. There is no quick fix, although it is what we impatient folks really want. But that isn't realistic. At the end of the day, your nutrition and exercise show up alllllll over you.


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BLUE42DOWN 7/22/2012 8:59PM


A very good reminder that every choice, every action, is earning us the reward.

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Here Are Two of My Reasons (2 Special Pictures)

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Two of my reasons for losing and staying healthy are right here. So small and absorbing so much about this great big confusing busy world~like sponges they soak everything up. Will I be Grammy who goes to the park and the mountains.. camping and playing in the park? Flying kites and chalk on sidewalks and trips out in the country to count the stars? Will I chase them playing tag and laugh until we cry.. will we play hide and seek and make cookies and big giant finger paintings that I have to try and find more space on my fridge for? Will I be Grammy that never tires of sticky fingers and footprints from running through the sprinkler.. will we pick fresh lettuce and tomatoes from the garden and make popsicles from fresh juice. Will I be Grammy that reads bedtime stories and pushes them on swingsets and always has the energy for "one more time" .. Grammy who builds sand castles and goes on road trips.. helps them learn to ride a bike and listens to them read their first words. Will I be Grammy that is proud when they graduate - radiates at their weddings.. and cries with amazement when I hold my first great grandbaby..
Will I be Grammy .. who lives a long, healthy, fun, sunshine filled, shimmering, sparkling life and fills their world with wonderful memories.. NONE of which includes lugging around extra weight and living on a couch and filled with regret?
You bet I will be. I bet my life on it...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AQUAGIRL08 6/18/2012 2:21PM

    What sweet children! You must be proud.

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PIXIEMOM13 6/18/2012 11:42AM

    Adorable children... and I know they'll love their grammy no matter what... but they will definitely remember a granny who can keep up with them and DOES stuff with them (vs sitting on the couch and saying you're too tired)

Good for you!!

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MUFFIY831 6/18/2012 11:20AM

    This is so sweet. :) Good for you.

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MICHELLE_391 6/17/2012 12:29AM

    You are such a fantastic Grammy! I'm sure they'll appreciate every second of your work, and every second of your time together. And they'll learn so much from your Spark journey! Such lucky (and adorable) children!

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BLUE42DOWN 6/16/2012 9:11PM

    Such beautiful sources of motivation. I think you already know which Grammy you will be!


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MAMABEE480 6/16/2012 8:01PM

    They are adorable and I loved what you had to say. Great motivation!

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The Honesty Found Here...

Sunday, June 10, 2012

I am spending a rainy Sunday morning in my jammies.. reading blogs and having some coffee.
One thought that repeats itself over and over as I am reading is wow... I cannot believe the honesty within the words I read.
We are a family here it feels.. many of us dont repeat the words written within our blogs to a single soul. People with weight issues are not entirely heard out in the world. First impressions are made by people who dont understand how alot of us ended up at this point in our lives. And of course we live in a world that has become cookie cutter I think. Look this way.. otherwise well.. you just aren't good enough.
But not here..
I have cried reading some of the blogs that were written with such raw emotion.. pain and a longing to turn lives around for the healthier.
I have laughed reading about the crazy antics and fun that we.. "the bigger people" have in our every day zany lives..
I know that the only people in this world that know my true weight are my doctor, my spark friends.
We write in honesty here.. and talk openly and candidly about what is really going on inside - and I think on top of the great recipes and all the other good things about this site the truth lies there.. in the honesty. We read and see others that are the same.. each on our own different journey but travelling the same path together. We can see ourselves in these blogs.. we can see our setbacks.. and we can see and share our achievements...
We can get out in words what is swirling around inside.. and like so many of us have said before we have another alternative to "feeding" our feelings.
Some of us are lonely.. and find friendship here.. Some of us have people in our lives that truly just do not know how to support us.. weight issues are a touchy subject - but there is support here.. some of us just need to see how many people in this world really are .. just like us. And that we arent "bad" or out of control. Everyone has something they would like to improve upon in their lives.. and for us this is just it.. we want to get there.
I feel honored to be able to read words written here with so much meaning.. for being allowed inside a place so vulnerable.. to be trusted with feelings that are so incredibly fragile for some. And I feel grateful to be able to write my inside feelings and have them read gently and without judgement.
I find honesty here.. and I find safety... and most of all I find friendship here.
And I just wanted to say thank you..

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AQUAGIRL08 6/11/2012 2:55PM

    You are right on the money with this blog! Thanks for verbalizing what many of us are feeling.

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MICHELLE_391 6/11/2012 12:14AM

    I couldn't agree with you more! I spend more and more time on this site and am feeling more and more like I know myself because of connections I've made here.


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MI-ELLKAYBEE 6/10/2012 4:15PM

    May God bless your success on this journey we all share! Loved this blog!

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CHEFMOM1199 6/10/2012 4:00PM

  Well said - and with complete honesty (as we always find here with our spark friends). We are all on this journey together helping each other find our own way. Fantastic blog!

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WUBBY82 6/10/2012 1:58PM

    I completely agree! This website has formed so many friendships and bonds that are difficult to find in the 'real world'. We understand, and can sympathize and empathize with the 'plight of the horizontally challenged'. We're there or we've been there. We 'get' each other.

Great blog!!

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