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Three years!!

Monday, August 19, 2013

I'm just so awed reading my past blogs and past progress and cannot believe I left and haven't come back for 3 years. It's amazing what our psyche does to us. Just for an update, I am now engaged. I'm getting married next year, so of course all the obligatory "I have to lose weight by ..." is pushing me more than ever.

Looking at all the Women Food and God entries, I just can't believe that it was all pretty much wiped out of my memory. I started Jenny Craig last year and surprise surprise still haven't lost the weight. I have been self sabotaging even with the looming deadline.

Now, I'm just trying to take care of myself emotionally and trying to stay determined. I think the brain kind of does a virus download and erases all of your dieting memory, especially when you start a new one. Just hoping that I can stay motivated until March 15, 2014!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DAPHNE_RUNS 8/22/2013 10:18PM

    Welcome back! Congrats to you on your upcoming wedding.

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SYELLICO 8/20/2013 10:39AM

    Welcome back! I hope you find much success this time. There are so many of us who have left and come back! emoticon

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SHAMROCKY2K 8/19/2013 11:31PM

    Keep that positive attitude! Congrats on the engagement. emoticon

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Women, Food and God Chapter 1 Companion Guide--Answers to Questions

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Chapter 1: About God

1. On page 22, author Geneen Roth writes that she turned to Hostess Sno Balls the same year she gave up on God. Do you turn to food for comfort, sweetness and the feeling that you matter?
Yes, I do turn to food for comfort. I know I still do this because the other day a friend of mine lost her baby after 4 months of pregnancy. When my mom and I left the hospital, I said ďI want to go emotionally eat.Ē I know Iím doing it for emotional reasons. I have a hard time not turning to food for comfort, though Iíve gotten waaaayyy better at not eating mindlessly.

2. What does going on a diet mean to you? Does it give you a feeling of taking control and doing something for yourself? If you have been on many diets, do you honestly believe this one is different, or do you diet because you are discouraged and don't know what else to do?
Going on a diet means restriction to me. It means diligence and paying attention to everything that goes into my mouth. It means obsessing over caloric values of whatever Iím consuming. It does give me the feeling of taking control and doing something for myself. When I was on WeightWatchers, controlling how many points I ate daily was an obsession, but it also felt like I was in control which made me feel good. I donít think of this as a diet so much, but it is a little discouraging because itís soooo confusing! I mean when I counted points, I didnít really have to think about what I was doing except for knowing the points value. Now, I am constantly asking myself ďAre you really hungry? OR just emotionally eating?Ē I honestly do still believe this is different. For the first time, Iím trying hard not to hate the way I look. Iíve always hated the way I look and itís just time to stop obsessing about weight loss and concentrate on loving myself.

3. On page 23, Geneen describes dieting like praying and that "making the decision to stop dieting was like committing heresy, like breaking a vow that was never supposed to be broken." Are you ready to stop dieting? What feelings does thinking about this bring up for you?
Itís really really scary to think about not tracking my caloric intake or tracking my points values. Itís very hard to imagine actually TRUSTING my instincts! I feel like Iím going to let myself down and gain over 20 lbs just trying to eat without controlling my calories or fat. I feel like Iím betraying the controlling part of my brain that wants me to restrict the ďbadĒ food and eat only the ďgoodĒ food.
4. From page 25: Geneen writes: "I don't believe in the God that most people call God, but I do know that the only definition of God that makes sense is one that uses this human life and its sufferingóthe very things we believe we need to hide or fixóas a path to the heart of love itself. Which is why the relationship with food is so important." What do you believe about God, love and your life?
I learned in sobriety that my pain brought me to the path of the serenity I know now. I know that God is love and that I learn of how much God loves me through EVERYTHING I experience, including what feels like suffering. I know in my life that Iíve been shown grace and definitely I have truly seen what love is.

5. Do you believe you deserve kindness and beauty? If other people deserve itóif your children deserve itówhy not you? Why is it so hard to treat yourself lovingly?

I definitely believe I deserve kindness and beauty, however, my behaviors sometimes show differently! I donít know why itís so hard to treat myself lovingly. Iím uncertain when I started the love/hate relationship with myself. I guess something told me that by treating myself badly that it eventually leads to loving myselfÖI dunno..

6. In Women, Food and God, Geneen says your relationship to food is a doorway to your true nature, your deepest self. Do you believe you have a true nature and a higher self? Are you willing to use your relationship with food as the doorway to that? I know for a fact that I have a true nature and a higher self. I have learned this through meditation and other methods that brought me closer to my spirituality. Yes, I am willing to use the relationship with food as a doorway to that.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KCLARK1355 8/13/2010 6:59PM

    I saved this Oprah show but haven't watched it yet - I'll watch it sometime this next week and then come back and read your blogs on it.

Have a wonderful day!

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TEENY_BIKINI 8/2/2010 7:41PM

    Wow. That is just beautiful stuff.

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TEACH4110 7/31/2010 7:30AM

    I am so with you on this! I have been reading G's book and I find it to be beyond inspiring. I SO want to make the Eating Guidelines a complete part of my life. But first I need to breathe, give myself a break, forgive and update my sparkpage emoticon

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SOLUCKY12 7/30/2010 10:33AM

    I have read the book and watched Oprah show with the author and saved it on my DVR. I love that you answered all of those questions so honestly on your blog. If I could go to Roth's treatment center, I would have more confidence in the process.

Right now I'm content with losing slowly and making daily exercise an important part of my life now that I'm retired, I have no excuses. It's interesting that there is nothing on exercise in the book. I want to reach a more healthy weight slowly keeping exercise a priority, then take a look at following her suggestions in the book.

I'm also watching to see what happens in Oprah's journey. I'm also struggling with loving my body issues. Even as I lose weight, the sagging skin and wrinkles continue to increase with age. I do feel thankful for my body when I see someone older who has such slow movement and obvious pain when walking. emoticon

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KAKIPOPUP 7/30/2010 5:59AM

    Thank you.

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Women, Food and God Chapter 1 Companion Guide--Answers to Questions

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Chapter 1: About God

1. On page 22, author Geneen Roth writes that she turned to Hostess Sno Balls the same year she gave up on God. Do you turn to food for comfort, sweetness and the feeling that you matter?
Yes, I do turn to food for comfort. I know I still do this because the other day a friend of mine lost her baby after 4 months of pregnancy. When my mom and I left the hospital, I said ďI want to go emotionally eat.Ē I know Iím doing it for emotional reasons. I have a hard time not turning to food for comfort, though Iíve gotten waaaayyy better at not eating mindlessly.

2. What does going on a diet mean to you? Does it give you a feeling of taking control and doing something for yourself? If you have been on many diets, do you honestly believe this one is different, or do you diet because you are discouraged and don't know what else to do?
Going on a diet means restriction to me. It means diligence and paying attention to everything that goes into my mouth. It means obsessing over caloric values of whatever Iím consuming. It does give me the feeling of taking control and doing something for myself. When I was on WeightWatchers, controlling how many points I ate daily was an obsession, but it also felt like I was in control which made me feel good. I donít think of this as a diet so much, but it is a little discouraging because itís soooo confusing! I mean when I counted points, I didnít really have to think about what I was doing except for knowing the points value. Now, I am constantly asking myself ďAre you really hungry? OR just emotionally eating?Ē I honestly do still believe this is different. For the first time, Iím trying hard not to hate the way I look. Iíve always hated the way I look and itís just time to stop obsessing about weight loss and concentrate on loving myself.

3. On page 23, Geneen describes dieting like praying and that "making the decision to stop dieting was like committing heresy, like breaking a vow that was never supposed to be broken." Are you ready to stop dieting? What feelings does thinking about this bring up for you?
Itís really really scary to think about not tracking my caloric intake or tracking my points values. Itís very hard to imagine actually TRUSTING my instincts! I feel like Iím going to let myself down and gain over 20 lbs just trying to eat without controlling my calories or fat. I feel like Iím betraying the controlling part of my brain that wants me to restrict the ďbadĒ food and eat only the ďgoodĒ food.
4. From page 25: Geneen writes: "I don't believe in the God that most people call God, but I do know that the only definition of God that makes sense is one that uses this human life and its sufferingóthe very things we believe we need to hide or fixóas a path to the heart of love itself. Which is why the relationship with food is so important." What do you believe about God, love and your life?
I learned in sobriety that my pain brought me to the path of the serenity I know now. I know that God is love and that I learn of how much God loves me through EVERYTHING I experience, including what feels like suffering. I know in my life that Iíve been shown grace and definitely I have truly seen what love is.

5. Do you believe you deserve kindness and beauty? If other people deserve itóif your children deserve itówhy not you? Why is it so hard to treat yourself lovingly?

I definitely believe I deserve kindness and beauty, however, my behaviors sometimes show differently! I donít know why itís so hard to treat myself lovingly. Iím uncertain when I started the love/hate relationship with myself. I guess something told me that by treating myself badly that it eventually leads to loving myselfÖI dunno..

6. In Women, Food and God, Geneen says your relationship to food is a doorway to your true nature, your deepest self. Do you believe you have a true nature and a higher self? Are you willing to use your relationship with food as the doorway to that? I know for a fact that I have a true nature and a higher self. I have learned this through meditation and other methods that brought me closer to my spirituality. Yes, I am willing to use the relationship with food as a doorway to that.

  


Women, Food, and God- Prologue Companion Guide--Answers To Questions

Friday, July 16, 2010

Feel free to copy and paste and fill in your own answers if you're reading the book! I copied and pasted from the Intuitive Eating Sparkteam, but it's also available on the Oprah website! emoticon

1. The prologue begins with "80 hungry women" sitting in a circle together, waiting to eat and pay attention to how they use food. If you were one of those women being asked to be silent and pay attention to themselves, their hunger and their many feelings about food, how do you think you would feel?

I would probably feel enlightened. I remember when I read the guidelines, I never really thought to listen to my body. I just thought of what I was eating and if it was "good", then I felt good and if it was "bad", then I felt bad.

2. From page 2: "Our relationship to food is an exact microcosm of our relationship to life itself. You are a walking and talking expressions of your deepest convictions; everything you believe about love, fear, transformation and God is revealed in how, when and what you eat."

What are your deepest convictions, and how do you think they show up on your plate every day?

My deepest convictions: I believe in love and that love heals everything. I truly believe that fear can kill; fear is definitely not good. Transformation, I believe, lies in love or fear. When I love myself the way I am, I don't feel the need to make a trsnformation outwardly. Physical transformation has not worked for me. I know that when I'm connected to God, everything feels all right. I think that when I eat foods that my body doesn't like full of sodium, it shows that I'm living in fear. That I'm fearful of something am thinking that this food will help that. When I eat food that my body feels good afterward, I'm eating with love.


3. On page 5, Laurie says that things are hard, but at least she has food. Do you relate to her? Do you use food when things get hard? If so, does using food make things easier?

Yes, I use food as something celbratory. When I feel down, I think "Oh. We're eating Shorty's tonight or we're eating at Chili's" and suddenly, it really does not feel that bad anymore. No, food does not make things easier.

4. On page 13, author Geneen Roth writes about her many diets and her weight history. Take a moment to consider your own food and weight history. What has it been like? Did the ups and downs of it correspond with particular events in your life? As you begin to read Women, Food and God, notice the feelings you have about what has and hasn't happened in your relationship with food. As you enter a brand new process and start a new journey, do you feel discouraged? Hopeless? Excited? Does a part of you believe that nothing will work? It's good to name those feelings so that you don't sabotage yourself with them.

As a child, I did not take precaution on what I ate (as far as I remember). EDIT: I did this excercise with my mom and she said from the age of THREE years old I said "Mommy, I'm fat." I was rail thin as a child! I do remember being made fun of for eating too slow or always being the last one to finish. As I got to middle school, I remember eating salads to lose weight. In High school, I remember drinking coffee and having rice for dinner (starving myself), only eating kids' meals or An All American meal @McDonald's. In high school, I went on the 4 Week Diet and lost a ton of weight (prescribed to my mom who was overweight) College- ate mostly Subway. Went on the Atkins' Diet (did this in high school too) Did the Fat Smash Diet and got sick. Weight Watchers--3 or 4 times rejoined. It's been TORTURE pretty much. Thinking I have it then NOT. The downs definitely and the UPs. Most of them had to do with men. College- Definitely a guy motivated me to stick with weight loss. In the beginning, I felt excited but now that I started gaining weight back, I feel fear. I also feel a little discouraged.

5. From page 16: "Not sure what you really believe? Pay attention to the way you actóand to what you do when things don't go the way you think they should. Just for today, pay attention to what you value. Reflect on how you spend your time and your money. Pay attention to what you eat." What do you do when things don't go the way you want them to go? What do you really believe about your place here on earth? Do you think your life has meaning? Do you believe you are doomed to fail or that you are worthy no matter what you weigh?

I do not react very well when things don't go the way I want! I don't know. Yes...??I believe I am worthy no matter what I weight..NOT really. I believe teh "fatter" I am, the more worthless I become. I feel ashamed.

6. How has food served as a source of punishment and/or shame in your life? What do you think it would take for you to really change your relationship with food .

I have deprived myself to punish myself and binged to puinish. I.e. eating only salads or eating 2 servings worth of food like sushi and fried rice AND chicken. Or maybe 4-5 slices of pizza or a LARGE whopper meal WITH CHEESE with LARGE FRIES and an Oreo shake. Changing my relationship with myself.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PSSN4FITNESS 7/29/2010 10:17AM

    Wow, I love this!!! As you know, I am doing my vision challenge now and I think this fits in perfectly with the reflection that I have been doing. It is so incredibly moving when we finally acknowledge the pain that we have inflicted upon ourselves, but it is also comforting when we come to realize the values that really define us and that we can live by. As long as you have those three values - everything else is just details. You can do it! You will heal.

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ROGUE_1 7/23/2010 3:12PM

    Thanks for sharing this, it's VERY insightful and as TEENY-BIKINI said, this is quite thought-provoking! I've been sitting here thinking about my own answers to these questions and will probably be mulling over some of my answers all day...

Congrats on your successes thus far! I am going to add you as a buddy and will be cheering you on, and look forward to getting to know you! Keep up the great work!

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TEENY_BIKINI 7/23/2010 2:48PM

    Wow. Those were really thought-provoking answers, especially the difference between love and fear. Love can definitely heal.

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I'm Doing This to Stay Accountible to Myself

Sunday, July 04, 2010


Sorry, it's a LOOOOOOOONG vlog (over 5 minutes!) Just needed to get this out!

  


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