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Today, I commit to:

Thursday, January 31, 2013

1. Staying off the computer while eating.
2. Taking a break from eating to clear my head if I notice myself ruminating while eating.
3. Carrying my phone with me and calling OA if I get a binge urge.

I can do this.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KANOE10 2/1/2013 8:45AM


Great steps for staying healthy. Good idea carrying your phone with you for support. You are taking care of yourself.


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GOOSIEMOON 1/31/2013 12:08PM


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VERONICAVW_140 1/31/2013 11:59AM

    You totally can do this! Speaking out thoughts to others tends to break the hold that an urge may have on us. I wish you the best today.

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1 step forward, 4 steps back

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

That's how it's felt lately. Up until Jan 14, 24 days binge-free, followed by at least 12 binges since. 3 days were actually less clear-cut binges than almost non-stop eating. Weight's way high, self worth way low.

I'm not giving up, damn it all. Really battling the urge to.

I invite all the positive, supportive forces that want to be present in my life, into it.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

-AMANDA79- 1/30/2013 4:43PM

    I try to focus on eating healthy 80% of the time and oinking out on wings and drinking beer the other 20%. Often when I try to be too perfect I lose it and eat like a maniac.

Good luck on finding a balance that works for you. You can do it...

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KANOE10 1/30/2013 3:39PM

    Hang in there. Don't give up. You are stronger than you think. You lost all of that weight and found the strength to do it. You are still strong and can do it. Try not to be hard on yourself. Today is a new day. emoticon

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MIRAGE727 1/30/2013 2:49PM

    Keep finding ways to capture and hold on to positive waves! You need to keep going forward no matter what.

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Maintenance Lesson #2: Get over the need for external validation

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Sometimes external validation can be a positive source of motivation. Case in point: color-coding my fitness calendar with markers or stickers after I finish a workout is one more reason for me not to skip exercise.

Other times, it can be bad. Weighing yourself 6x a day, letting the scale dictate how you feel about yourself. Ignoring your intuition. Believing other people over yourself. Their opinions about your body; your life; your choices, goals, values, beliefs.

Say you spend 20 months *dedicated* to losing weight [in that, weight loss IS YOUR LIFE], in which time you grow accustomed to seeing the number on the scale go down-- a reflection of your hard effort and diligence. And you receive loads of compliments that make you feel just A-OK happy as pie, because you’re finally worth noticing and talking to! After a lifetime of being told "you’re too fat", "if you’d only lose weight, then ___" [fill in the blank with all sorts of wonderful things about life, and most of all, how you’ll *finally* be 'good enough'].

And then it stops.

Instead of compliments, some of the same people previously paying you them declare “You’re too thin!”

As for being 'good enough?' “That’s great that you lost weight. Now what are you going to do about fixing the rest of your life?” You find out that, contrary to a lifetime of thinking it’s all about the weight, it’s YOU, you at your core, who is simply not good enough. 258 or 145 pounds, there will always be something that makes you flat-out unacceptable.

You take your momentum and try to apply it to different goals. You fall flat on your face. Repeatedly. Like trying in vain to get a job, and, again, being found “not good enough” by someone else’s standards. Or training for a 10K and not being able to run or do much of any enjoyable exercise for months afterwards.

You don’t know how to empower yourself anymore, because pushing yourself physically was the catalyst for your empowerment and that’s not viable anymore (a lesson in and of itself, to be addressed separately).

You see the accumulated evidence whose breadth seems to suggest a phenomenon beyond mere happenstance, and you start internalizing all that junk; anyway, blaming yourself and thinking you’re a screwup is familiar: it’s what you’ve done your whole life. Before you know it, you’re firmly entrenched in your old thoughts patterns, and it ain’t long before your old binge eating patterns join the party. Cuz guess what? It hurts to believe all those nasty things about yourself, and you get desperate to squash the pain evoked by that voice and numb out for a couple minutes, even at the cost of gaining weight and believing you're a *total* screwup.

Until you’re graced with people who are generous and patient enough to spend months teaching you, phrasing in countless ways till you GET IT:

Lesson #2: You are good enough just the way you are. You know your needs better than anyone else. Trust your intuition. Live your life the way you want.

(That's technically 4 lessons, but they're all tied it into the basic premise, so I'm lumping them together.)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHRISTINASP 2/10/2013 1:00PM

    Thank you for sharing this. Very insightful.

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VERONICAVW_140 1/28/2013 4:51PM

    I've learned that, in life, you will not please everyone. Everyone is a critic. And that sucks. Learning to tune out the negative and hold onto the positive is hard but is key in living happier life. I don't know your spiritual prefrences but I am happy and relieved that in the bible God tells us that we are "wonderfully made" Psalms 139:13
It also says "whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. " Philippians 4:8
I think the writers of the bible must have known that we easily fall prey to focusing and believing the negative things in life.
I still find myself allowing someone's harsh remarks or my own internal cristisms get the best of me from time to time. But I am learning to take those remarks or thoughts and hold them up against what the bible tells me God thinks of me. Most of the time I can dispell the negative which is so relieving and refreshing.

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KANOE10 1/15/2013 11:44AM

    Great blog. It is matter what you weigh you have to figure out how to be happy! I am glad you h ave supportive friends in your life!


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LIBELULITA 1/14/2013 4:06PM

    Superb blog and I really really hope that, apart from finally GETTING IT, you firmly believe lesson 2; nobody is perfect and you are indeed good enough just as you are emoticon emoticon

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LEPETITCHIHUA 1/13/2013 9:33PM

    Some people just are not good for you.
I think it's better to choose our friends wisely. I try to surround myself with people and things that make
me feel good.

Also finding activities that really make you happy.
For me that is reading, knitting and my adult kids(most of the time). You will get positive feedback from other sources, not just from weight loss!

Comment edited on: 1/13/2013 9:33:47 PM

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NETTYBREAD 1/13/2013 8:28AM

    emoticon You've got it!!!

Sometimes we DO need Support and Love from our friends and family. I used to call it "fishing" for a compliment. Who wants to solicit their own compliment.

Reach out to your friends and family. You just did it in this blog perfectly. You've got the tools or you are finding the tools and things you need.

Now that you are proud of your weight loss, find something else to shine in too. That you could get more "natural" compliments for.

I hope this makes sense. I LOVE ya! And think you are doing an incredible job. It is so hard to maintain and nobody really notices.

Keep up the great work. You are STRONG!!!


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MIRAGE727 1/12/2013 11:17PM

    I find it very hard to control myself when I get the dumbest comments from the dumbest people! I will not let them take my peace! I control my life! No one will stop me from my dreams & my goals! THERE's a mouthful! Stay strong, Warrior!

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WATERMELLEN 1/12/2013 7:42PM

    Brilliant blog! One of the toughest things about maintaining is no one is heaping accolades all over us anymore: heck, some people never even knew us when we were fat!! And lots of people are now annoyed by our careful eating: either interpreting it as a personal reproach because they aren't eating carefully, or asserting forcefully that we "don't need" to eat that way.

Plus losing all the weight hasn't solved all the problems. There are always other problems!

Maintaining requires wrapping our heads around both of these.

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Maintenance Lesson #1: Guilt over eating is a surefire sign that something's amiss

Friday, January 11, 2013

There are no foods that I've permanently foresworn. Red-light foods, yes; banned foods, no. I can be ok eating extraordinarily high caloric foods without a shred of guilt, when I'm deliberately deciding to indulge and mindfully enjoying the food. When I feel guilty for eating, it's almost assuredly a sign that I'm eating for the wrong reasons.

- "Other people are eating. I will, too."
- 'Clean Plate Club'
- To satisfy food pushers
- Emotional eating
- Scarfing down food without really tasting it, often in conjunction with shifting my attention somewhere else besides the food (more often than not, done deliberately)
[subset of emotional eating: self-induced trance state]
- "It tastes so good. I want more." (often, not even really tasting it -- just thinking about how much more I want ... to not really taste)
- Punishment for overeating (i.e. "I'll make myself feel even guiltier, because I'm having trouble forgiving myself for overeating.")

Lesson: Stop eating! Pay attention to the message behind the guilt.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHRISTINASP 2/10/2013 12:57PM

    Very good and interesting point. Thank you for sharing.

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WATERMELLEN 1/12/2013 7:40PM

    Brillliant! and absolutely key to maintaining! I do NOT feel guilty when, about once a year, I have French fries!! And: I enjoy every one of 'em. But then that's it.

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CASSIES 1/12/2013 7:00AM

    Excellent point....guilt should not be a result of eating. And when it is, note!

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4A-HEALTHY-BMI 1/12/2013 12:54AM

    points well taken!

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MIRAGE727 1/11/2013 3:12PM

    Great perception. Stay strong!

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LOVESTOWALK49 1/11/2013 12:03PM

    I don't know what to say. I tend to restrict, not overeat. I find myself thinking these things when I shouldn't. I mean that I think things like that when it's my first meal of the day and it's dinner time. I think these things when I eat a normal size meal. I think that I'm overeating when I'm eating a normal size meal. I feel like I'm eating too much when I'm not eating enough. I suppose it doesn't make any sense.

Comment edited on: 1/11/2013 4:12:46 PM

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DISP715 1/11/2013 12:02PM

    This is a fantastic message. Thanks for putting it out there. I have probably hit every item on the list. It's like driving home from work and not remembering if you stopped at the red lights. We go through life "unconscious" and miss so much. Food is pretty much handled the same way. So you are 100% right, pay attention and everything will be clear. HUGS!!

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2012 in Review: A Year of Lessons in Maintenance

Friday, January 11, 2013

As 2012 came to a close, I reflected on the year and its changes on my weight. Dec. 31, 2011 saw me at 147.6 lbs, whereas Dec. 31, 2012 showed 154.1 lbs. Six and a half pounds really isn't a lot in the grand scope of things; however, they corresponded so closely to a year of great emotional tumult that their metaphorical magnitude exponentially exceeded the physical weight.

With the lost ground and gained weight, it would be easy to see 2012 as a failure. I did for most of the year as I lived it; I was tempted to view it as such in retrospect. Rather than beating myself up, I'd rather learn from all the pain, struggles, and misery and use that knowledge to grow stronger. I choose to look at 2012 as a year's worth of lessons in maintenance.

Did I ever learn a LOT. I discovered it is way too easy to slip backwards if I'm not cognizant. I'll be writing a series of blogs in which I write down the lessons I learned. I'm movin' forward...with reminders of how to NOT go back to where I've been.

It's time to fly.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LIBELULITA 1/11/2013 4:15PM

    I really love your attitude towards the past year. And as for a 6.5 pound weight gain in what sounds like a traumatic year, I would count that as a massive success because I in my turbulent last 5 months have gained 60 pounds. The fact that you (unlike me) didn't give in more to emotional eating and binging, slipping back into old habits, is a real tribute to exactly how far you have come on your journey.With that philosophical mentality to have chosen to meditate upon the past year I have no doubt that you are going to come out the other side a stronger person that can survive any situation. You more amazing than you think emoticon emoticon

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MIRAGE727 1/11/2013 3:15PM

    I always love when we learn from experience. It's so positive no matter the situation!

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