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30 Day Blog Challenge, Day 11: Favorite Part of My Body

Saturday, September 22, 2012

from TANYAP71's Challenge:
www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_jo
urnal_individual.asp?blog_id=5038746


*What do you like most about your body? Has what you like most about your changed as you've progressed towards your goals?*

After thinking long and hard, I gotta say my shoulders. Before, I used to look like a fully padded football player (i.e. no neck + rounded, sloping shoulders) and barely visible collarbones. Now, I'm muscular, have awesomely defined collarbones, and lack so much as a hint of fat or extra skin.

I don't remember what I used to like most. I remember how superbly excited I got when I was able to see my shoulder blades for the first time and as they became more pronounced. I also was pretty proud of my calves. They're still impressively muscular, despite not having strength trained them for months, although they're probably not quite as toned as they used to be. Strong, though: I can balance on the balls of my feet for way longer than I used to be able to.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KANOE10 9/24/2012 7:23AM

    It is great to have defined bones and muscles! You should be proud of all that you have accomplished with your body!

great blog. emoticon

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30 Day Blog Challenge, Day 10: Reasons for my Weight Goal

Friday, September 21, 2012

from TANYAP71's Challenge: www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_jo
urnal_individual.asp?blog_id=5038746


*Why are you working towards the goal you talked about on Day 1? Particular health goal? Size goal? Activity goal? Vanity goal?*

Most of all, breaking past a mental barrier. The 150s carry strong negative associations: the previous times I weighed 155 lbs, I arrived there through intentional starvation and was mired in active eating disorders, self hatred, and depression. The eating disorder mentality was just as important to note as the behaviors. It's difficult for me to disentangle the 150s from said mentality; hence, a big contributor to my wanting to knock my weight lower.

Other factors are vanity and size, the latter being a subset of the former. I'm most self accepting at 145, if not happy then tolerably content with my body. I look thin at that weight. Moreover, I feel thin, which carries with it all these interesting encounters with my body, not necessarily pleasant in totality but nonetheless fascinating to me in their unfamiliarity.

145 is also the weight at which I fit into a size 8, a simply amazing experience for someone who wore a size 14+ for all but a few months of adulthood. Relatedly, I love weighing in the 140s because I never did before.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KANOE10 9/21/2012 8:50AM

    I like the way you said you are most self accepting at 145. You really do find a weight where you feel happier and accepting. My weight is 125. I have never stayed in the 20s.

It is important that you feel thin also at your chosen weight. I have those same feelings.

Great blog. I am going to try and catch up on the September blog on the weekend. emoticon

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30 Day Blog Challenge, Day 9: Changed Thoughts On Weight, Wellness, & Fitness

Thursday, September 20, 2012

from TANYAP71's Challenge: www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_jo
urnal_individual.asp?blog_id=5038746


*How old are you and do you think your thoughts about weight loss, fitness, and wellness have changed over time?*

I'm 27. My thoughts have revolutionalized from what they were for most of what's been a lifelong weight battle. I now know with 100% certainty that there is NO magic weight/size which will solve my problems. I have to be ok with me, and weighing less doesn't make that objective effortless. If approached correctly, my weight can function allegorically, though not encapsulating the entirety of myself and my story .

Along that same vein, overall wellness has become my main objective, as I realize THAT's what's going to lead to lasting peace and happiness. My goal has shifted from singlemindedness to striving towards holistic balance. This is a very difficult shift to implement, but it's number one in priority, and something I'm ready to tackle.

As far as fitness is concerned, I've turned my prior conceptions upside-down. I use to HATE exercise: hated sweating & breathing hard, felt self-conscious, hated physical movement itself. Somewhere along the line, exercise became a craving which I don't know how to function without now. I truly believe it's salvaged my mental health and been the mechanism through which I've tapped into my empowerment. Breaking through physical barriers taught me how to break through mental ones; moreover, it taught me that I COULD break through them. My fitness journey revealed my fortitude and has shown me the best parts of myself.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DIZZYFEMME 9/20/2012 4:21PM

    Wonderful!

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MIRAGE727 9/20/2012 1:48PM

    YES! Stay strong, My Warrior Friend!
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62NVON 9/20/2012 8:42AM

    I think you have it figured out, grasshopper. =)

Thanks for sharing.

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30 Day Blog Challenge, Day 8: Differences Between Goal Weight Expectations and Realities

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

from TANYAP71's Challenge: www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_jo
urnal_individual.asp?blog_id=5038746


Disclaimer: The following is in no way an expression of regret over losing weight or an intent to scare off those currently pursuining weight loss. It's meant for full transparency as to what's made maintenance extremely ugly for me. Weight loss has not been entirely negative by any means. If I had to do over again, I'd still choose to lose. This blog is about the differences between expectations and reality, NOT met expectations, though; and most of the differences are less than rosy.

*What do you think will be different when you reach your goal weight? If you are in maintenance, what did you think would be different? What actually was different?*

Despite forewarnings, I mistakenly thought weight loss would solve a lot of problems:
- I thought it would garner acceptance, love, more regular positive feedback.
- While I now exude self confidence on occasion, it's far from omnipresent.
- I thought it would be easy to transfer the empowerment acquired from weight loss into other arenas of my life lacking in forward momentum.
- I thought I'd finally be happy with my body; in truth, I'm unhappier in a lot of respects. Losing weight didn't erase physical flaws: it created new ones in its stead.
- My body image is still distorted. Further marred by the effect of loose skin & stretch marks on a thinner body.
- I can't fit into some of the "skinny clothes" I thought I'd be able to wear.
- New clothes shopping isn't the singular joy I thought it would be. I still don't have the money for new clothes. Weight redistribution and loose skin must be taken into account when shopping. For something topping my motivations for losing weight, clothes seem highly inconsequential in the grand scope of things.
- I thought weight loss taught me to effectively confront my depression and anxiety, headlong, longterm.
- I thought weight loss would eliminate, or at least reduce, chronic pain. Largely thanks to an injury incurred in the process and for which treatment hasn't been feasible, that's not been the outcome.
- I thought weight loss would make more feel more comfortable around men. Anxiety joined discomfort, along with the realization that I'd prefer little-to-no male attention.

Goal weight brought surprises:
+ Multilevel awakenings, including a newfangled zest for life, and a renewal of longburied interests have surfaced.
+ I found a willingness to face fears and confront demons, albeit at a painstakingly slow, anxiety-ridden, sometimes hesitant pace.
- I can’t find a #@%^ing bra that fits! Vis-à-vis underarm and back fat/skin, my band size is practically the same as before and I have, like, NO boobs now. Stores don't carry 'my size', and my inability to pay the inevitable return shipping precludes online shopping. I’d stop wearing a bra altogether, if not for the fat/skin drooping. #$%^.
- I thought reaching goal weight would be enough motivation in and of itself to maintain. It's been a search finding reasons to persist, especially in the midst of sh!tstorms.
- I never in a million years anticipated the raw exposure I'd feel to all the painful experiences—in simultaneity—I'd buried for years behind food and fat.
- I expected a continuation of the support I received while losing weight, finding, instead, that people are quicker than ever to sabotage.
-I thought I'd be cooler than I am with my ongoing decision to depart from the lemming route of unhealthy living.
- I didn't expect the degree to which I now question people's reasons for liking me.
- I didn't expect strangers to take such notice of my loss, or feel the pressure to maintain which has accompanied knowing that untold eyes are upon me.
- I didn’t expect to feel empty, lost, and bored or to lose my “high” when weight loss ended.
- While I DID expect ingrained behaviors to rear their heads from time to time, I didn't anticipate it being THIS easy to revert back to terrible habits that'd been out of the running for years.
- I didn't expect maintenance to exact MORE obsession and vigilance than weight loss.
- I thought I'd have more intuitive notions of what moderation and what seizing the moment vs. delayed gratification mean as they pertain to maintenance.
- I didn't expect to lose my newfound sense of self.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DIZZYFEMME 9/19/2012 3:46PM

    Wow. Thank you so much for your thoughtful and honest assessment of yourself, and then sharing it with this community.

I've dealt with high levels of anxiety myself--completely independent from my weight (I feel like it was worse when I was thinner.) I wish I could tell you that there is a simple magic equation to finding inner peace, but there isn't. For some people, medication works for them (I am in that camp), for others, its therapy, or it could be something completely different.

I guess what I'm saying is that although I haven't been through your exact situation, I empathize. I hope you find peace in your journey and learn the art of self-love, whatever that looks like for you.

p.s. This post was wonderfully written. I like your writing style.

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KIMPY225 9/19/2012 3:38PM

    There definitely are a lot of ups and downs when it comes to weight loss. Many things have changed, but not everything does!

You have come a long way, and you still have a long way to go. Sorry to hear about all of the troubles that come with weight loss. There will always be outside factors which will hinder what we Want in life. If you really do feel that lost and empty inside, maybe you should speak to a specialist about that. I know it costs money, but sometimes we need outside help to make our lives a bit better. Good luck to you!

Keep your head high and keep pushing.

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30 Day Blog Challenge, Day 7: Measuring Maintenance

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

from TANYAP71's Challenge: www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_jo
urnal_individual.asp?blog_id=5038746


* How do you measure progress towards or maintenance? Scale weight? Body fat percentage? How your clothes fit? Other?*

A combination of all the above, plus body measurements. I rely most on scale weight. My gym’s switch from using calipers to using bioelectrical impedance for body fat measurement rendered my BF measurements inconsistent, plus I’m skeptical of BEI’s accuracy. Not able to afford a new wardrobe, I wear old “skinny clothes” spanning several sizes, obviously making clothes fit another unreliable indicator. While the measuring tape’s good, it's limited by the time lapse for differences to show. That leaves the scale!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MIRAGE727 9/18/2012 8:39AM

    I only realized that combination after I joined SparkPeople....and also when I almost lost my shorts in a store one day!
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