Saturday, May 19, 2012
That's it. I'm climbing out of the tremendously deep hole I've been falling down. Weight maintenance is frickin terrifying. It's downright unnerving to recreate my identity, stay true to myself, learn and use uncomfortable behaviors requiring conscious effort vs. resorting to tried-and-true autopilot coping mechanisms.
I have spent 7 months slipping into a decades-old mindset of blaming myself. Of feeling riddled by a plethora of inadequacies. Of feeling victimized by my circumstances instead of looking for ways to function within their context.
When I reached my weight goal last year, I didn't know how to use that victory to help me achieve other victories within my life. I still don't. That's scary and frustrating for me. I'm not going to keep sabotaging my weight because I can't get the rest of my life in order, though. I'm DONE.
I lost 113 pounds. This whole achievement discounting thing wherein I tell myself all the reasons why a 113-pound weight loss isn't that big of a deal, is crap. 113 is more than a number on the scale. 113 pounds is:
- believing in my ability
- believing in my worth
- trusting my instincts
- being receptive to new information
- challenging my comfort level
- asking for help
- listening to advice given
- deciding for myself what's best for me
- celebrating my accomplishments
- continuing to work on my shortcomings
- working within my limitations
- accepting who/where I am right now
- striving to be better than my best
- learning from my mistakes
- sharing my pain and my glory alike
- letting go of that which does not serve me
Bingeing does not serve me. Bingeing belongs to the pre-weight loss me. In my desire for reassurance navigating the uncertainties and pain of life, I resorted to something familiar to hold onto. It stops now. I don't blame the old me for bingeing. She did the best she could with the resources available to her. The me I am now? She doesn't need to binge. She doesn't need to try quelling her strength, cowering from disapproval, shrinking from her potential.
Wednesday, April 04, 2012
I don't know how to help myself. No matter how many times I tell myself I'm going to change my behavior, I slip into the same thoughts that repeatedly lead to bingeing. My self-loathing reaches epic heights on a daily basis. I've contemplated severe measures to MAKE myself stop.
I feel so completely, totally removed. When I was losing weight, I had SP. When I hit goal weight, I really lost that support. Now I'm in isolation as I regain. My life is falling apart and at the rate I'm going, I'm going to be 200 pounds by June.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
I ate dinner right before I left so I wouldn't be hungry. At the concession stand, I asked for a small bag and portioned out popcorn from the jumbo tub my dad bought, in order to curb my temptation to overeat mindlessly. I wanted something to chew on during the movie but was still full, so I chewed gum for most of the movie. I didn't touch my popcorn until I started actually feeling hungry...about 10 minutes before the movie ended. Every small victory is a step in the right direction.
Friday, March 02, 2012
Sugar and fat are great. The more you eat them, the more you crave them. They're like drugs. So say you're going a little haywire with the ice cream and decide that things are getting out of hand. You're going to detox from sugar and fat, or maybe just one of them, for awhile, to snap out of this snowball effect you've got going on. Moderation isn't going to work right now: you know that the minute you eat something sugary or fatty, you're going to want more sugar or more fat. Solution? You stay away from sugar and fat for awhile.
One little issue. Even though you WANT to avoid sugar and fat, because you WANT to break the cycle, all of a sudden it's "I can't have it" or "I SHOULDN'T have it." On top of already wanting to eat to take edge off your junk food DTs, now the rebellious part of you is incessantly egging you on to take a hit, because your food cravings have taken on a 'forbidden' status.
How do you break the addictive cycle from junk food through detox without your efforts resulting in elevating the junk food to an even more appealing desire?
Thursday, February 23, 2012
I've moved onto Part 2 of "Shrink Yourself", i.e. the section of the book containing exercises to help readers stop the cycle of emotional eating. Aside from identifying the habits of healthy eating I don't adhere to - which I was pretty aware of to being with - the first exercise is in identifying the emotions you notice precipitating the urge to emotional eat. I'm rather impatient, because I'd like to move beyond identification to the knowledge of what to do with these feelings! However, I'm going to try to take it slow and remember that this is a process. So here goes.
I just finished drinking tea because I'm very stressed out and want to stuff my face.
A certain family member tends to hold in feelings for awhile before going absolutely bonkers: stomping, slamming doors, screaming, yelling, cursing, threatening. Last night was the initial explosion, followed today by "I can't take anymore and I'm getting on a bus and taking off." In a rare display of painstaking self-control, I've kept my temper and have been working very hard not to absorb her feelings and problems as my own; it's difficult beyond words, though, having spent a lifetime caught in this cycle. Despite my efforts, I've felt drained, on-edge, withdrawn, and generally upset all day. Healthy, well-adjusted communication is simply not an option. The current incident serves to highlight the perception that healthy, well-adjusted communication is rarely an option, because it's usually met with enraged defensiveness, accented by mud-slinging denigrations and haloed by a cloak of self-righteous, woebegone persecution.
On top of the family drama, I received an email reply from an alumnus of my college that I'd reached out to for career information. Her advice hit a ton of sore spots, sore spots which lead me to emotional eat, time and time again, because my apparent loss of how to resolve the issues causes me to feel trapped and extremely powerless. For the past few weeks, I've been trying to remind myself that I'm not as utterly powerless to change my situation as it feels like I am and to pull myself out of a victim mentality; but having the alumnus's advice spread out bare in the half dozen or so ways that habitually appear to me to be insurmountable roadblocks is really sucking me into a powerless mindset again and triggering the urge to eat.
Great. I've identified the specific situations and the specific emotions causing my urge to emotional eat. Now what? I want to know how the author purports I 'reclaim my power.'
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