Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Thank you for your awareness that I'm swimming in a pool of poverty, debt, and desperation. Thank you for waiting until I'm preparing for a job interview for the first steady work I've had in a year and a half, to dump your mental garbage on me. Thank you for role modeling the distorted thinking patterns I struggle so intensely to unlearn myself, specifically mind reading, catastrophizing, and all-or-nothing thinking. Thank you for treating me as your therapist: for venting your multitude of grievances with my father and brother; for displaying your victim mentality; for pressuring me to be your sounding board and support system because you so clearly need someone's support and I'm the only one apparently capable of bearing the burden. Thank you for reminding me, through your patterns of behavior, that your love and support are contingent upon my continued enmeshment with you. Thank you for nurturing my empathy; because it means that my recognition of and identification with your feelings of pain, frustration, hopelessness and doom results in my continuing to play this assigned role, despite my UNBELIEVABLE ANGER at being put in this situation. Thank you for knowing and acknowledging that what you're doing to me is wrong but continuing to do it anyway, justifying it as best you can. Thank you for not knowing the extent of the mental and emotional damage you're bestowing upon me, because the guilt that would result from that knowledge would just place an even bigger burden on me.
Thank you for giving me the strength to change and reminding me daily what's at stake if I don't.
Friday, November 25, 2011
For the past week and a half, I've been actively working on addressing my emotional eating and binge eating. Sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't benefit from professional help—but that's not an option. I get to be my own therapist. [I graduated with a 3.59 major GPA in psychology—I'm capable, if overwhelmed.] The following encompasses my efforts at addressing my disordered eating to date:
•Printed off www.addictionsandrecovery.org/relaps
e-prevention.htm that 4A-HEALTHY-BMI linked to in the At Goal and Maintaining team.
•Recorded my food intake daily using this template
to help me identify my specific emotional and binge eating triggers and patterns. (I put tick marks at the categories at the page's bottom for visual feedback on 1) whether I'm getting sufficient intake of water, milk, and freggies—across the color spectrum—and 2) whether I'm drinking superfluous amounts of other liquids.) Thus far, noting location and antecedents has been far more beneficial than recording food intake alone ever was. The first step to change is, after all, awareness.
•Upon researching multimodal therapy, arrived at this phenomenally useful website, www.get.gg/links3.htm , where I found a ton of self-help resources, including:
1. A Cravings Diary—Printed, haven't yet used, but hope to remember about and use in the future, because I think it would be similarly beneficial as the locations/triggers portion of the food diary has been.
2. Info on "emergency boxes": www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/Emergency
BagBox.pdf . Was already familiar with the concept but never consistently used. Started a preliminary list of my own self soothers. (Haven't organized everything into 1 spot yet—the list is a reference point I can use for the time being to retrieve different articles or be reminded of specific actions.)
3. A bunch of information on binge eating disorder and bulimia (BED's sister, if you will); printed off.
4. [From #3] a link to www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/i
nfopax.cfm?Info_ID=48 , where I printed modules on addressing eating disorders.
•Printed off SP articles on emotional eating: tips, tricks, coping skills.
•Pulled out and read my list of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) thinking distortions.
•Organized all of the above into 1 folder for easy access.
•Pulled out and gone through some of my DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) resources, including information and exercises.
•Reviewed my health psychology textbook from college, specifically the sections on the transtheoretical model of behavior change, weight control, and eating disorders.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Tonight I went into the kitchen for a snack because I felt hungry. In a breakthrough moment, I realized prior to eating anything more that I was very upset and I really wanted to stuff my feelings with food. Even more remarkable, I was able to recall some positive coping strategies even in my emotionally heightened state…and I used them. I made myself a big mug of lemon herbal tea; I took a deep breath of my favorite perfume and put it on; I sought my cat (cuz petting animals and cat purrs are both very soothing to me), but he wasn’t cooperating; I drank my tea. An hour later, I felt just as badly as I had initially. So I cried and cried and cried. I went on my Emotional Eaters team and thought about posting, but then I thought I'd blog about it. I came on here to blog about it, but didn't want to be whiny. I ended up not sharing my feelings. But at least I didn’t eat.
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