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I want to binge

Monday, November 14, 2011

I already ate an entire bag of popcorn. The first 2/3 was hunger and the last almost to the point of feeling sick. I feel bad about that action. Regardless, I want to binge now.
I'm sad. I'm depressed, I'm frustrated, I'm feeling hopeless. I'm disappointed in myself. I'm confused as to why these emotions surfaced in the first place.
I want to eat. I want to soothe myself with food. I want to be numb.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JAMIEHORN20 11/16/2011 1:47PM

    But you came here and blogged about it! That's progress. You caught yourself in a bad behavior and called yourself out on it. You're getting healthy. We all hit roadblocks! I know you will get back on track!

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MAPLECANDY3 11/15/2011 9:38AM

    "I'm sad. I'm depressed, I'm frustrated, I'm feeling hopeless. I'm disappointed in myself"

Food will fuel your body, it wont solve any of these emotions. You can go eat 3 more bags of popcorn and although it may numb you out for a while, then you will go back to feeling sad, depressed, frustrated and hopeless. Why not deal with your emotions instead? What were you thinking before the binge?

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MOETR345 11/14/2011 11:16PM

    Keep up the good fight! You may not win, but at least you'll know you did the best that you could, today. You've probably already done this, but what sometimes works for me is to give myself permission to eat XXX, but only after:
- I eat fruit
- I drink X glasses of water
- XX minutes


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SLIMMERKIWI 11/14/2011 10:46PM

    Have you thought about not keeping Popcorn at home? If it isn't there you can't reach for it. I usually suggest that when people are inclined to binge, they keep healthy foods at home and really limit very much any other "treat" snacks. It is better to go to a dried fig and take little bites, or slowly eat a banana or apple, than it is to go to the other sorts of things. Mind you, IF you just had PLAIN popcorn, then really there isn't much of a problem.

Good luck for finding something that works for you.

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BLC halftime reflections

Sunday, November 13, 2011

I'm not where I thought I'd be at this point, nor am I happy about that. I'm pleased to still be within my maintenance weight range; but I'm struggling a lot more than I'd planned on. I wanted to join the BLC for 2 main reasons: 1) to gain momentum from seeing the efforts and results of peers' weight loss endeavors, having traveled from Class 2 obesity myself; and 2) to hopefully serve as a positive role model and source of encouragement to my teammates. Thus far, my struggles have me feeling like a failure on both accounts. I haven't been as active in this challenge as I'd like (addressed below), so I feel like I'm not really part of my Butternuts team and like I haven't really gotten to know my teammates. I think part of that feeling stems from being in maintenance instead of active weight loss. Regardless of the source of the feelings, the fact is that it's difficult to contribute much or get a lot out of an experience when I'm not putting 100% in.

*Where are my shortcomings?"
emoticon One hangup has been participating in challenges. I've been copying and pasting the challenges into a Word file, but I inevitably forget to look at it until about Thursday or Friday, week after week. Last week, I decided to print the challenges, because I need a hard copy in order to keep the challenges fresh in my mind. This week my 8-year-old printer decided to role-play hospice patient. emoticon
emoticon Why else haven't I been more active in the BLC? This goes back to a hugely problematic recurring issue in my life: lack of balance. I don't know how to be well-adjusted and juggle all the demands and responsibilities of adulthood, let alone in a healthy manner or even 1 in which I retain any sense of sanity. It's been so long since I've had any social life that I honestly have no clue how people successfully meet the demands of their lives when they're involved in any kind of interpersonal relationships. The extent of my friendships are online, and I invariably get distracted and sucked into a time vortex when I go online to communicate with them. When I go on Facebook to communicate with 'real life' friends, I find myself wasting time reading all about the great things going on with people who are actually out ~living~ their lives. When I come on here, I get sucked into the same phenomenon, reading friends' and teammates' blogs or team chatter. Here I almost feel obligated to keep reading, because in my book, you reciprocate. If I get messages on my blogs or posts on my page, then it's only courteous to show some interest in the other person's life. If I can't or won't read and respond to blogs and team chats, how can I or why would I hope or expect others to do the same for me? But I've HAD to limit my SP activity because it was getting out of control and I needed more time to spend on obligations. By-and-large, I've given up seeking support as a result, since I don't know how to properly reciprocate within the parameters of my limitations.
emoticon Less specific to the BLC and more general to my struggles, I'm very much socially isolated, only involved in my flabbergastingly dysfunctional family relationships: relationships that contribute to unhealthy eating, emotional eating. I don't mean to blame my parents, but the truth is, they ~did~ help instill these behaviors and contribute to the formation of my maladaptive coping techniques. And when pretty much the only people I'm ever around eat in the very disordered ways that taught me my own hangups with food as I, too, acquired those disordered habitspeople who oftentimes place me in situations that I don't know how to cope with aside from eatingI'm set on a collision course.
emoticon I am giving into distorted thoughts. I tell myself that I can control myself around trigger foods like dried fruit, jam, cottage cheese, all things peanut, all things almond. I tell myself "I'll just have a taste," that "I'll eat it in moderation," that this time I have the willpower to stop before I lose control. I know before even opening that container or bag or whatever it is that it's a bad idea, because I have a real pattern going on here and all my good intentions have flown out the window on previous occasions when I've repeated those very same sayings to myself. What's the other option, besides cutting out trigger foods completely? Why, that would be asking my family to hide them from me (only works for things that don't require refrigeration). The idea here is having to request it when I want it, to be accountable, to portion out a serving and then have the remainder taken out of view and temptation. The reality is that I've taken to sneaking around hunting for the stuff and bingeing in secret like I used to do with trigger foods before I lost the weight.

**What has worked for me in the past? What can I do differently?**
emoticon I can post in my Butternuts forum, even if it's just to say "hi" for the day. Alternately, I can allot a specific amount of time to catch up on posts, and/or reply to 1 or 2 teammates' posts instead of feeling obligated to read or respond to everyone's.
emoticon I can handwrite the challenges or use Dad's computer to print a hard copy.
emoticon I can track my food in a journal. I can log the number of fruits & veggies eaten, the times of day I eat, and the locations and reasons (thoughts, physical sensations, environmental cues) in which I eat.
emoticon I can limit how often I watch food-centered TV shows. If Mom is pressuring me to watch with her, I can explain my current vulnerability and assert my need to distance myself from that trigger.
emoticon I can organize my vision collage materials in 1 place, so I know where everything is when I get the chance and priority to work on it.
emoticon I can group all my emotional eating tips, distress tolerance resources, and quick snack and meal ideas in 1 spot for easy access.
emoticon I can set up a "crisis station" to calm and/or distract myself when I'm feeling urges to emotional eat, binge eat, or eat red-light foods.
emoticon I can journal or blog more often, especially to process slipups or when I'm experiencing urges listed above.
emoticon I can write on the message boards for support if I don't feel comfortable using team forums or my blog because of my current difficulty with reciprocity.
emoticon I can work on my "Why I'm awesome" book so I have something to raise my spirits when I'm down or give me an extra boost when I'm up.
emoticon I can tape "before pictures" on packages of red-light foods that are stored in plain sight, so that I have a strong visual reminder to think twice before digging in with reckless abandon.
emoticon I can remind myself before meals and snacks to eat 1 serving and assess my satiety levels before taking additional servings.
emoticon I can start a sticker chart and give myself a sticker every time I overcome a temptation or use a positive coping technique. I can brainstorm free rewards to treat myself to after I accumulate a specific number of stickers.
emoticon I can incorporate some sort of "pepper-upper" into my morning routine to prep me mentally for a good day. (Ideas: recite positive mantra, read motivational quotes, look at my "Why I'm awesome" book)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JAMIEHORN20 11/14/2011 1:25PM

    What an insightful blog. I can TOTALLY relate to this: "I know before even opening that container or bag or whatever it is that it's a bad idea, because I have a real pattern going on here and all my good intentions have flown out the window on previous occasions when I've repeated those very same sayings to myself."

I have the same issue! Maintenance is WAY harder than losing. We don't have the benefit of looking forward to the scale each week. It stays the same or goes up or down a pound or 2. We have to learn to live with our "new normal," but what's the best way to do that?

Thanks for the's appreciated!

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ordering at the restaurant today

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

I went out to eat today and customized the crap outta my salad.

Fresh jalapenos instead of fried, no avocado (don't like it), no cheese (love it but didn't need it), no tortilla strips (didn't need them), dressing on the side (didn't use all of it).
I was probably a pain, but I don't care. Look at the improvements I made:

Now, I did give into the pressure I felt from my dad and shared some of his dessert, which was a really poor decision having known the caloric intake in advance. But at least I didn't eat a full half of it. Progress, not perfection.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KIBAISREADY 11/9/2011 1:19PM

    GIRL YOU DID AN AWESOME JOB! emoticon emoticon

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BAMAGIRL01 11/9/2011 11:47AM

    emoticon emoticon

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RACH_LVSLIFE 11/9/2011 10:48AM

    Nice job! Where was this? A very impressive nutritional interactive.

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SLFGOLF 11/9/2011 1:00AM

    Way to go. Restaurants will work with you I have found. In fact several of the restaurants in my area know me by now. They have asked me if I'm following a specific plan and have commented on how well I've done with losing weight. Do not ever fear to ask for adjustments to your menu requests.

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AIMEESINGS 11/9/2011 12:23AM

    Awesome! You cut it by over half! Way to go!!

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I wish I had never gotten out of bed today.

Sunday, November 06, 2011

This has been such a horrible day. Basically, everything I'd planned to do went right down the toilet (which is getting to be the norm anymore). To add insult to injury, the night progressed into a fight with my mother. I felt sick to my stomach out of sheer disgust with her, myself, and absolutely everything about my life. So I decided to make myself throw up. It's been about 6 years since I've purged, mind you, so let that be some insight into my mood. Well, unable to get anything to come up, I felt shame on top of all my other feelings that I couldn't erase. Come round 2 of fighting. emoticon I lost control and threw my water bottle at the bathroom window, breaking it. emoticon Enter regret and the oh-so-practical-in-hindsight worries of trying to pay to replace the glass. So then I binge ate to the point of illness. emoticon After failing so horribly in almost every conceivable way, it's taking a lot for me not to whip out a pack of cigs, lay the broken glass into my arm, and take up all my dormant vices with reckless abandon. I am such a train wreck.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MISJOSIE 11/8/2011 7:07PM

    Hey, you...

Remember this girl?
Dear 8-Weeks-in-the-Future ,

You are blowing me away with your level of dedication and conscientiousness in maintaining your weight! Ifm so proud of you for successfully navigating your first Halloween and Thanksgiving since hitting goal weight and managing to enjoy the seasonal foods you love in moderation. Developing plans for how to deal with temptations and actively participating in the BLC Challenges were great ways to stay on track.

You learned some new healthy behaviors from your Butternut Beauties teammates who were in the active stages of weight loss, and you tried them out to see which strategies worked for you. You reinstated some eoldf healthy behaviors of your own that worked in the past but had slipped to the wayside over the summer [including keeping a food intake journal and making sure you got enough servings of veggies and dairy].

emoticon on making the most of this autumn! Trying out a bunch of new recipes using seasonal produce not only made you feel more comfortable and experienced in the kitchen but gave you the chance to explore what kind of fall dishes you like for the first time since you started enjoying the taste of vegetables. (By the way, thank you for organizing your binder of new recipes to try. Itfs so less stressful trying to find a new recipe and put together a shopping list when therefs order and organization.)

Youfve done fantastic maintaining your weight loss for 6 months. Now is the time to really take the lessons from the past 8 weeks and devise a plan for the winter. Use your success and newfound knowledge to get you through these cold winter days. Ifm so excited to see what plans you have in store for winter and spring!

With lots of and confidence in your abilities,
Your Current Self

Please don't forget that she is you too--that sometimes we are the best version of ourself, and sometimes we are the worst. Neither is permanent. You are YOU--a little crazy, a little stressed, a lot awesome. Be good to yourself--especially when others aren't, and remember that it is in the darkest times when stars shine their brightest.

emoticon emoticon

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SMILESHINE81 11/7/2011 4:00PM

    Sounds like a really rough day. I hope that things get better for you. Remember 'this too shall pass' - and you are strong enough to endure anything! I hope you have someone to talk to in person about your frustration and other issues.

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AIMEESINGS 11/7/2011 4:18AM

    I hope you have a much better day and that everything will get sorted out. Girl, you deserve a break! Sorry it sucked so bad.

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DIDMIS 11/7/2011 1:47AM

    I am so sorry you had such a horrible day. Tomorrow is a new day. Make it count. I love the scripture "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

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OOLALA53 11/6/2011 11:56PM

    I know it sounds trite but it's so obvious from the outside that so much of the turmoil is temporary, though conditions are such that they will likely repeat. Such is life. A lot of it is repetitive. Otherwise we'd be worn out trying to learn it new too much of the time.

Anyway, I know you are going to feel better soon. And take the other vices off the table, okay? GEt back in touch with the wisdom that helped you kick them in the first place. All misery is temporary and usually based on illusion. emoticon

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MOETR345 11/6/2011 10:31PM

    I am very sorry you're having such a truly horrible day.

When I've gone through soul crushing times, I usually resort to journaling and ask myself: What is the REAL problem? (not always what is on the surface) Can I change it or do I need to find a way to accept it? (can't change other people's behaviour, but I can change my reaction to it) and If I can change it, how do I do that?

Hugs! And remember Winston Churchill: "If you're going through hell, Keep Going!"

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KIM--POSSIBLE 11/6/2011 9:16PM

    Bless your heart. Take a deep breath and a nice hot bath and remember that your worth is not tied to one bad day! As your profile picture shows, you have not failed! You have been successful in reaching a goal of losing 100+ pounds. You have been successful in laying aside all of those vices that weren't benefiting you and you are learning to treat yourself well, even when the world doesn't!

Re-read your BLC letter to your future self and remember the confidence and positive feelings that you had in/for yourself then! You have come so far, and can continue to do so!
emoticon emoticon

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Do you change your holiday celebrations when you're watching your weight?

Friday, November 04, 2011

I read this in the November issue of "Diabetes Forecast." I don't have diabetes myself, but I still found the points they mention to be relevant to me and especially to people trying to lose or manage their weight--not just for Thanksgiving but Christmas as well.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AIMEESINGS 11/7/2011 4:24AM

    Thanks for sharing! We used to have crazy amounts of food the whole day long on every holiday. Since my Grandma got sick and can't cook as much, the food amount has gone down, and the choices have gotten a little healthier. I can't wait to bring a healthy dish to pass these holidays coming up!

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KIBAISREADY 11/6/2011 1:53AM


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SMILESHINE81 11/5/2011 4:52PM

    Great article! Thanks for sharing it.

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ZEROFIVESIX871 11/5/2011 8:26AM

  Personally I am going to try to be strict with my diet the weeks before so when the day comes my bodies metabolism will just burn it right off to get rid of the excess I don't need. Making sure I eat breakfast and lunch on thanksgiving and xmas so I dont starve myself until dinner like previous years will probably help out too. emoticon

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