Monday, November 14, 2011
I already ate an entire bag of popcorn. The first 2/3 was hunger and the last almost to the point of feeling sick. I feel bad about that action. Regardless, I want to binge now.
I'm sad. I'm depressed, I'm frustrated, I'm feeling hopeless. I'm disappointed in myself. I'm confused as to why these emotions surfaced in the first place.
I want to eat. I want to soothe myself with food. I want to be numb.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
I'm not where I thought I'd be at this point, nor am I happy about that. I'm pleased to still be within my maintenance weight range; but I'm struggling a lot more than I'd planned on. I wanted to join the BLC for 2 main reasons: 1) to gain momentum from seeing the efforts and results of peers' weight loss endeavors, having traveled from Class 2 obesity myself; and 2) to hopefully serve as a positive role model and source of encouragement to my teammates. Thus far, my struggles have me feeling like a failure on both accounts. I haven't been as active in this challenge as I'd like (addressed below), so I feel like I'm not really part of my Butternuts team and like I haven't really gotten to know my teammates. I think part of that feeling stems from being in maintenance instead of active weight loss. Regardless of the source of the feelings, the fact is that it's difficult to contribute much or get a lot out of an experience when I'm not putting 100% in.
*Where are my shortcomings?"
One hangup has been participating in challenges. I've been copying and pasting the challenges into a Word file, but I inevitably forget to look at it until about Thursday or Friday, week after week. Last week, I decided to print the challenges, because I need a hard copy in order to keep the challenges fresh in my mind. This week my 8-year-old printer decided to role-play hospice patient.
Why else haven't I been more active in the BLC? This goes back to a hugely problematic recurring issue in my life: lack of balance. I don't know how to be well-adjusted and juggle all the demands and responsibilities of adulthood, let alone in a healthy manner or even 1 in which I retain any sense of sanity. It's been so long since I've had any social life that I honestly have no clue how people successfully meet the demands of their lives when they're involved in any kind of interpersonal relationships. The extent of my friendships are online, and I invariably get distracted and sucked into a time vortex when I go online to communicate with them. When I go on Facebook to communicate with 'real life' friends, I find myself wasting time reading all about the great things going on with people who are actually out ~living~ their lives. When I come on here, I get sucked into the same phenomenon, reading friends' and teammates' blogs or team chatter. Here I almost feel obligated to keep reading, because in my book, you reciprocate. If I get messages on my blogs or posts on my page, then it's only courteous to show some interest in the other person's life. If I can't or won't read and respond to blogs and team chats, how can I or why would I hope or expect others to do the same for me? But I've HAD to limit my SP activity because it was getting out of control and I needed more time to spend on obligations. By-and-large, I've given up seeking support as a result, since I don't know how to properly reciprocate within the parameters of my limitations.
Less specific to the BLC and more general to my struggles, I'm very much socially isolated, only involved in my flabbergastingly dysfunctional family relationships: relationships that contribute to unhealthy eating, emotional eating. I don't mean to blame my parents, but the truth is, they ~did~ help instill these behaviors and contribute to the formation of my maladaptive coping techniques. And when pretty much the only people I'm ever around eat in the very disordered ways that taught me my own hangups with food as I, too, acquired those disordered habitspeople who oftentimes place me in situations that I don't know how to cope with aside from eatingI'm set on a collision course.
I am giving into distorted thoughts. I tell myself that I can control myself around trigger foods like dried fruit, jam, cottage cheese, all things peanut, all things almond. I tell myself "I'll just have a taste," that "I'll eat it in moderation," that this time I have the willpower to stop before I lose control. I know before even opening that container or bag or whatever it is that it's a bad idea, because I have a real pattern going on here and all my good intentions have flown out the window on previous occasions when I've repeated those very same sayings to myself. What's the other option, besides cutting out trigger foods completely? Why, that would be asking my family to hide them from me (only works for things that don't require refrigeration). The idea here is having to request it when I want it, to be accountable, to portion out a serving and then have the remainder taken out of view and temptation. The reality is that I've taken to sneaking around hunting for the stuff and bingeing in secret like I used to do with trigger foods before I lost the weight.
**What has worked for me in the past? What can I do differently?**
I can post in my Butternuts forum, even if it's just to say "hi" for the day. Alternately, I can allot a specific amount of time to catch up on posts, and/or reply to 1 or 2 teammates' posts instead of feeling obligated to read or respond to everyone's.
I can handwrite the challenges or use Dad's computer to print a hard copy.
I can track my food in a journal. I can log the number of fruits & veggies eaten, the times of day I eat, and the locations and reasons (thoughts, physical sensations, environmental cues) in which I eat.
I can limit how often I watch food-centered TV shows. If Mom is pressuring me to watch with her, I can explain my current vulnerability and assert my need to distance myself from that trigger.
I can organize my vision collage materials in 1 place, so I know where everything is when I get the chance and priority to work on it.
I can group all my emotional eating tips, distress tolerance resources, and quick snack and meal ideas in 1 spot for easy access.
I can set up a "crisis station" to calm and/or distract myself when I'm feeling urges to emotional eat, binge eat, or eat red-light foods.
I can journal or blog more often, especially to process slipups or when I'm experiencing urges listed above.
I can write on the message boards for support if I don't feel comfortable using team forums or my blog because of my current difficulty with reciprocity.
I can work on my "Why I'm awesome" book so I have something to raise my spirits when I'm down or give me an extra boost when I'm up.
I can tape "before pictures" on packages of red-light foods that are stored in plain sight, so that I have a strong visual reminder to think twice before digging in with reckless abandon.
I can remind myself before meals and snacks to eat 1 serving and assess my satiety levels before taking additional servings.
I can start a sticker chart and give myself a sticker every time I overcome a temptation or use a positive coping technique. I can brainstorm free rewards to treat myself to after I accumulate a specific number of stickers.
I can incorporate some sort of "pepper-upper" into my morning routine to prep me mentally for a good day. (Ideas: recite positive mantra, read motivational quotes, look at my "Why I'm awesome" book)
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
I went out to eat today and customized the crap outta my salad.
Fresh jalapenos instead of fried, no avocado (don't like it), no cheese (love it but didn't need it), no tortilla strips (didn't need them), dressing on the side (didn't use all of it).
I was probably a pain, but I don't care. Look at the improvements I made:
Now, I did give into the pressure I felt from my dad and shared some of his dessert, which was a really poor decision having known the caloric intake in advance. But at least I didn't eat a full half of it. Progress, not perfection.
Sunday, November 06, 2011
This has been such a horrible day. Basically, everything I'd planned to do went right down the toilet (which is getting to be the norm anymore). To add insult to injury, the night progressed into a fight with my mother. I felt sick to my stomach out of sheer disgust with her, myself, and absolutely everything about my life. So I decided to make myself throw up. It's been about 6 years since I've purged, mind you, so let that be some insight into my mood. Well, unable to get anything to come up, I felt shame on top of all my other feelings that I couldn't erase. Come round 2 of fighting. I lost control and threw my water bottle at the bathroom window, breaking it. Enter regret and the oh-so-practical-in-hindsight worries of trying to pay to replace the glass. So then I binge ate to the point of illness. After failing so horribly in almost every conceivable way, it's taking a lot for me not to whip out a pack of cigs, lay the broken glass into my arm, and take up all my dormant vices with reckless abandon. I am such a train wreck.
Friday, November 04, 2011
I read this in the November issue of "Diabetes Forecast." I don't have diabetes myself, but I still found the points they mention to be relevant to me and especially to people trying to lose or manage their weight--not just for Thanksgiving but Christmas as well.
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