Tuesday, October 11, 2011
It's time to buckle down and address my snacking. Making something off-limits provokes rebellion; so instead forbidding certain behaviors, I'm declaring my commitment to assertive behaviors.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
‒ I will assess my hunger level before eating.
‒ I will eat mindfully: I will eat slowly, focus on my food, and savor what I am eating at the current moment.
‒ When I want to eat for reasons other than hunger, I will STOP, record my urges and any applicable cravings, and identify my emotions and/or environmental stressors.
‒ When I want to eat for reasons other than hunger, I will refer to my "Challenges to Rationalizations" and alternative behaviors list.
‒ I will plan for how to handle my triggers and my exposure to red-light foods.
‒ I will practice my strategies when I feel strong and in control, so I'm ready to use them when I feel vulnerable.
‒ I will use condiments, sauces, dips, jam, etc. appropriately: as a complement, in moderation, to substantive foods.
‒ I will eat cereal for breakfast only, and according to the recommended serving size.
Thursday, October 06, 2011
Let's start with the weather. The off-and-on reports forecasting rain (big shock) ended up being off the mark. The sky was clear blue, the temperatures were just right, and the day was beautiful.
I made it to the port-a-potty before the race started, albeit only by a few minutes. Let this be a lesson as to how much time to allot: I waited for half an hour in a "short" line! I almost went to the woods like the 2 people in front of me in line did, but a combo of modesty and logistics held me back.
On the plus side, waiting for the port-a-potties did prove helpful. Having to pee stopped my nerves from getting too big of a jumpstart. I was slightly apprehensive about running with so many people; mostly, I felt excited, though. For those of you who have never run a race, let alone a HUGE one, I wish I could describe the energy. Even without having any running buddies, I felt like I was part of a huge party. I knew that some people were veterans of the race and some were newbies like me; there were people who trained and those who registered on a whim; people trying to place or set personal records and then the people who just wanted to finish; and of course, everybody in between. Even with all those differences, however, I felt this sense of solidarity. We were all there to RUN, to walk, to move our bodies and have a good time doing it.
This race made me feel so alive.
I hit emotional and physical highs and lows. As expected, running past my alma mater brought on an onslaught of memories and emotions. Do you know what it feels like to be a bird? To soar high above the ground? For a few minutes, I did. Or maybe, more accurately, I felt like a butterfly, looking down on all the shackles of a world that had kept me tethered to the ground earthbound. But without the fragility of a butterfly--like an iron butterfly whose wings you'll break your arms trying to snap off.
Of course, I hit this marker midway through the race, which is when I usually start to drag. [Let there be another lesson learned: seriously, arrange your music playlist so that you have pick-me-up songs at the times when you predictably need a pick-me-up. Putting them at the beginning is great for an adrenaline rush, but you're gonna need something half an hour in, especially when you've hit the peak of your personal journey.] Drag I did. The practically uninterrupted sight of approximately 7500 runners ahead of me, filling the snaking road downtown, was astonishing. If the race could have ended there, I would've been happy! Alas, that was around mile 4.
Those of you who are distance athletes may think of a 10K as a paltry distance, unworthy of aches, pains, and fatigue. This body cares to disagree. The downward slope that probably every runner begs to run--indeed, would consider lucky to be part of a race's route--really started to wreak havoc on my knees. (Stairs and declines in elevation are the natural foe of runner's knee.) I was tired, I was in pain, and I stopped having fun. The run became about finishing what I'd started and achieving what I'd started setting in motion months ago.
It was worth it, though. Nearing the last tenth to two-tenths of a mile and seeing the crowd of spectators cheering on the runners from behind barriers made me feel like a real athlete. Digging deep, I found what little reserve of energy I had left and used it to propel me to the finish line in my characteristic "I-can-only-go-this-fast-because-I'm-almos
My chip time was 1:00:11. (Clock time was several minutes higher; it took me almost 10 minutes to cross the start line.) If you want to see what the finish line of a MASSIVE race looks like, you can check this out:
6287436 . Crazy!
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Tomorrow I run my first 10K race. I've been eyeing this particular race for months as the first 10K I'd like to run. To say that running it will be momentous is such an understatement.
I'm nervous: about the distance, the weather, the road closures (starting 3 hours before the race!), my body cooperating.....but I'm so excited. I'm not entirely sure how this race is going to go , but I KNOW it's going to be of huge significance.
I gained 100 pounds in college. Not because I was living it up, partying and having a fantastic time, but mostly because I ate to soothe myself from the worst depression of my life that resulted from some of the worst situations of my life. I fell. Hard. Repeatedly. To the point that I didn't think I would get back up, that I didn't even want to try. For years I carried that weight around. The 100 pounds of weight and all the emotional weight that proceeded it.
Tomorrow I will pass landmarks that signify my fall. I will pass them for the first time as a runner, as someone strong and capable of confronting her demons, as someone who's been brought to her knees and clawed her bloody way to the light. I feel like a phoenix.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Why not? I'm a worthless loser. I may as well regain all the weight I lost.
Except that's a stupid mentality. Why would I want to do that?
Oh well. I won't regain it all. Probably just a few pounds. And that'll be enough for me to punish the ---- out of myself and bust my @$$ and already-broken knees in the process of relosing the gain. But at least then I'll feel good about myself for about 3 seconds for losing weight. Because that's the only thing I have ANY level of success at or control over.
NO, that's not why, either. You had a 4000 calorie day because you were depressed and you wanted to binge all day long to get through the pain. And you said you needed to get out of the house because it made the desire to binge as bad as it could possibly be, but you weren't allowed that option. Which included exercise, which is the only positive coping mechanism you have. No, that's not entirely true, either. You actually considered sitting down and working on your communication by telling Mom exactly how her words and actions are affecting you but you knew it would be to absolutely no avail and that she'd only end up making you feel guilty for having those thoughts and opinions, let alone expressing them, so it would all be in vain and actually probably end up making you feel worse. That led you to consider all the other self-destructive things you could do to deal with the depression and misery but didn't want to go that route because you've gone so long without going there and didn't want to mess up your streak. So you DECIDED to binge because it was the best of all the decisions. Yup, you decided to stuff yourself until you felt sick and 100% knew you'd regret it afterwards and be filled with shame and self-hatred. And you tried talking yourself out of it almost the entire time you were doing it, telling yourself to stop, but you wouldn't. Because you needed to be numb and needed to be able to control SOMETHING.
Ok, fair enough. But that's dangerous territory. It probably was a better choice than most of the alternatives, but it's a slippery slope to be playing on. That's what got you massively obese.
Next time just take the 2 Benadryl like you considered. THAT was the BEST choice.
P.S. Good job tracking everything you ate. At least you're facing the damage instead of hiding from it and pretending it didn't happen.
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