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Note to Self [some hardcore catharsis]

Friday, June 03, 2011

Realizing on your own, without needing anyone to tell you, that youíll never have a flat stomach or get rid of your gut or be able to wear a bikini is a blow. Itís like being told thereís no Santa. Itís ok to mourn the loss of those dreams. Itís ok to be sad knowing that youíll never reach the goals and standards that have stood as a glittering beacon of motivation for the close-to-20 years youíve wanted to lose weight. Itís ok to get down because weight gain and loss has ravaged your body and left you with a plentitude of stretch marks and loose skin and a myriad of other issues that remind you on a daily basis of the worst possible times of your life that youíd like to forget.

But even though all those things are true, and itís ok to feel upset about them, you need to remember:

This is not a waste. Youíve proven to yourself that you have courage and determination; willpower and persistence; the ability to NOT be lazy; to show grit; to battle your depression head-on; to rise above your pain and obstacles, barriers, hang-ups and holdups, fears, and history of weaknesses, failures, timidity, self-defeatism, and standing in your own way.

You canít go back and change the past. You canít change the decisions that led to you gaining weight. You canít stop the hurts from happening, you canít time-warp yourself into preventing the arrival of a body that would eventually look like this after 'improvement'. But you hated your body and wanted to lose weight for over 15 years before you actually committed to doing it. You didnít tackle your issues and start changing on the inside the way you wanted until you lost a MASSIVE amount of weight. So, as much as you hate what gaining that weight did to your body, maybe thatís just what it was gonna take for you to get where you are now. Maybe you needed to reach 258 lbs because it was gonna take you over 100-lb-loss worth of time to get to a point where you were able to like yourself at all or feel good about your body on any level or actually be able to deal with all your crappy emotions and depressing life circumstances in a way thatís not totally self-destructive. Cuz you know what? Your stomach and arms DID look a h*ll of a lot better when you weighed 175 lbs 8 years ago, but you still hated who were you were and what you looked like. The worst of the eating disorders, self-injury, depression, maladaptive coping techniques, they all came after that. And you sometimes still do feel like crap now but youíre *dealing* with the ED and depression and youíre not turning to self-medication to deal with all the things in your life that are wrong.

You are strong. Even though your knees wonít work right and your neck and back hurt, YOU. ARE. STRONG. You have a body with limitations but it has taken you this far. It has allowed you to use exercise to strengthen your mind. Even if sometimes it seems like youíre weak because you have to modify/avoid certain workouts or because youíre vain as h*ll and just cry about the reality of your appearance not matching your dreams, youíre strong. Youíre strong because youíre listening to the little voice of reason in your head. Youíre strong because when you feel like sh!t on the inside, you keep going anyway. Because you could throw in the towel, because you could say ď$%^& itĒ and stay in bed crying or binge-eating or Ėdrinking; and because you DONíT.

That is strength.

So look down and see your battle scars. See the effects of all the things that went wrong in your life. See the mistakes you made, and see the people that have hurt you, and see the pain and grief that confront you every single day. Feel the regret and shame but donít let them overwhelm you. Use them to become a stronger person. Use them to become better than you were when you gained the weight, to be better than the people that think nothing of stabbing an emotional machete into your soul, use them to cultivate forgiveness and hope and optimism. Take your pain and regrets and body-image issues and transform them into something that makes you beautiful in a way that a bikini body or a perky @ss donít guarantee.

♦ August 14th, 2010: post-5K
3 months after starting/3 weeks after completing the C25K program
Hitting your personal goals of running the entire distance and doing it in less than 35 mins

♦ December 2010: recovering from tonsillectomy
Being told not to work out at all for 2 weeks
Downloading and doing the Zumba routine for Beenie Manís ďGimmie GimmieĒ at a really low intensity level because you missed it so much and just couldnít go 2 weeks without

♦ Early Spring 2011: finding your list from last summer of things you donít like and want to change about yourself & in your life
Realizing youíve actively worked on changing almost everything listed

♦ March 8th, 2011: first Stride class
Watching E demonstrate & cue plank walks, thinking thereís no way you could do them, fighting the temptation to quit, and doing all of them

♦ April 16th, 2011: visiting R for Easter
Getting out of the car and having him say ďYou look AWESOMEĒ

♦ May 27th, 2011: fitting into size 8 pants for the first time in your life
See your tears of joy in the first pic

♦ Late Spring 2011: watching season 11 of The Biggest Loser
Tearing up for weeks hearing the contestants talk about how much theyíve changed internally, because you can finally relate

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LYNMEINDERS 6/6/2011 4:52AM

    Awesome Blog...well are definitely a winner...go girl....

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 6/4/2011 7:12PM

    Great blog. You look amazing. Congratulations on all of your hard work. emoticon

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MJ-SHE-BEAST 6/4/2011 4:37PM

    My friend CALIGIRLDIANA shared this on our team page and I have to tell you I am so very glad she did. I related so much to all of the statements you made about all that has been done to our bodies through neglect and overeating and how we can't let that stop us. I'm wearing my "battle scars" proudly - until vanity and hitting goal send me running to a plastic surgeon that is! emoticon
I'm so glad she shared this! Very inspirational and congratulations on the size 8!

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CALIGIRLDIANA 6/4/2011 11:54AM

    Girlie you are AWESOME!! I loved this blog of yours. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. You are so inspiring and all the words you have said in this blog have truly touched my heart. You have come a long way and you were beautiful before and you are even more beautiful now. You are definitely a strong girlie and no matter what you keep pushing yourself. You are definitely my inspiration!! You look great in those pics! Congrats on fitting in a size 8 that's fantastic. Thank you girlie for being you!!!


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UNSTOPPABLE_ 6/4/2011 10:51AM

    Oh honey I just saw this blog. It made me cry because I feel these emotions too. My road was a little different from yours BUT Little Star, We both should be proud of the strength we had to keep going forward. Let me tell you this girl...If I looked like you...I'D BE JUMPING FOR JOY!!! Be proud! You Look AWESOME!!!!

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GGRANLDY 6/3/2011 11:26PM

    You have done an awesome job. Your looking great. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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    very motivational. good reminder that we are not promised a supermodel figure, but that by continuing on the fitness and health journey, we get stronger physically and emotionally.

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JDECKNESS 6/3/2011 12:46PM

    Reading this was very inspiring. I neede this today. Thank you for blogging.

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BELLA0209 6/3/2011 12:39PM

    Great Blog and Congrats to you!!! emoticon

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May in review

Thursday, June 02, 2011

I got the idea for a fitness sticker calendar from a B2W teammate. I never gave an April update because of being out of town for a week and a half over Easter but here's May in review:

Cardio: 1517 mins [ emoticon 239]
Stretching: 260 mins [ emoticon 5]
Lower Body ST: 190 mins [ emoticon 50]
Upper Body ST: 100 mins [ emoticon 15] + class work (approx 65 mins) [ emoticon about 15 mins]
Core ST: 40 mins [ emoticon 40] + class work (approx 65 mins) [ emoticon about 15 mins]
Pilates: 229 mins [all new: emoticon 229]

Lots of progress with core work! I did less on my own but made it to Stride more, which means I got more class work in, and started doing Pilates weekly. I focused on consistency instead of quantity and that really seems to have made a difference in my commitment level.


to cheer myself up

Thursday, June 02, 2011

The 90someį heat this week coinciding with the official start of swimsuit season has had me beyond upset. I've been really down, I've cried, I've contemplated returning my new swimsuit and never EVER going swimming again (and I love swimming).

I just remembered this quote from Burn After Reading that, despite how much I can relate to it, immediately cheered me up because of how hilarious it is. I'm posting it here as a reminder to myself:

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
"I would be laughed out of Hollywood. I have very limited breasts, a ginormous ass, and I have this gut that swings back and forth in front a me like a shopping cart with a bent wheel."

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FITFOURME 6/3/2011 1:03AM

    that made me giggle! I recently got into a bathing suit to bath in a VERY frigid lake, and announced myself to those present as "thunder thighs"! Granted there were only three other people there, one being another "big" girl, but still, it was hard.

The quote also makes me want to see that movie again.

If you need another pick me up, remember this "Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming."


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the perils of too-large clothing

Thursday, June 02, 2011

A lifetime of weight struggles and regular upsizing of clothing has taught me that it's MUCH better--at least for my ego--to have clothes that are too big than too small. But you know what's seriously NOT COOL? Wearing underwear that you think are a "little too big" with shorts that you think are a "little too big" (and therefore, not necessitating that you wear your too-big belt to semi-hold them up) in public and having them both repeatedly fall down. That is SO EMBARRASSING. Luckily I yanked 'em up as discretely as possible time and again before they dropped low enough to show my goods; but dear god, by the time I got to the car to come home, my underwear were so low they were literally almost below my shorts. emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MIRAGE727 9/19/2012 3:48PM

And these are issues we accept with pride!
Thanks for sharing!

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GGRANLDY 6/3/2011 11:13PM

    emoticon Oh my!

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    It's definitely a good thing girlie! You can pull it off no problem I'm sure of that!! Big clothes is definitely a good thing!!!


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UNSTOPPABLE_ 6/2/2011 3:32PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticonBeen there!

I am not laughing at you Star. Really!

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UV Project Mission 1 assignment

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
The UV Project: 6/1- 6/5
(report back Monday 6/6)



emoticon What can you do? If you canít see yourself (insert exercise here) every day, you shouldnít be doing it to lose weight in the first place.

emoticon Get out and mooooove:
What do you love to do for cardio? Get out and move a little each day, and do some serious cardio at least twice. How many minutes/what was the intensity for the past 5 days? (keep track for next week!)

emoticon Work your muscles:
Lower Body/Upper body/Core or a mix- Try to fit in 2 days of ST before Monday and tell us about it. (keep track of reps/weight for next week)

emoticon Food:
If youíve never tracked a bite of food, itís time to start! It doesnít need to be perfect but losing weight is a science. Tracking food (whether you go over or not) is vital to getting fit and healthy.

emoticon Water:
Drink it! It hydrates you, curbs hunger, and makes your skin look fabulous! Have trouble remembering? Buy a 32 ouncer (Nalgene, Camelbak, etc) and fill, drink, repeat. Congrats on drinking 8 glasses!

Get at least 15-30 minutes of sun exposure 2-4 times this week. Vitamin D is essential for those healthy bones we are building (wear at least SPF 15) Reduce stress and enhance your mood with a 30 minute walk in your neighborhood!

Read a fitness article!

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