Monday, September 23, 2013
Back in June, I turned my spark page offline. Why?
1- Seeing people's successes on Sparkpeople heightened my shame regarding how out of control I felt about my disinhibited eating and weight gain.
2- Gratitude and reciprocity are big deals to me. If people leave me page comments or reply to blogs or message board posts I write, I feel obligated to show my appreciation by responding, at the very least, and at the best, following their posts in return. It is not easy for me to juggle Sparkpeople with real world stuff. Inevitably, I fall behind on one or the other, feel guilty, and withdraw.
During the period my sparkpage was offline, I did not use the site whatsoever. In that period, I gained 15-20 pounds -- for a total, as of today, of 27 lbs above goal weight -- and went up 2-3 dress sizes. Let me tell you, the shame and humiliation are even harder than the fat to carry.
Whether by causality or purely correlation, Sparkpeople avoidance is being reflected negatively in my weight. Today my page is back online.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Upon seeing yet another carton of ice cream gracing the freezer with its presence (the 3rd brought into this house by my family in the last week), I immediately met with doom. “Why are they doing this to me?” Ice cream’s a bigtime red light binge food. Also my #1 red light purge food -- while I’ve not purged in months, I will admit to being tempted to restarting it in recent weeks.
Here’s the fact: I cannot control what food they buy. I cannot control whether or not they put it right within arm’s reach. All I can do is control my own reaction, starting with my thoughts.
No “woe is me.” No “I can’t control myself around ice cream.” Nope. I’m reclaiming my power.
It’s not even gonna be about the food. This is war. This is me saying “@#$% you, family! You wanna make it harder for me than it needs to be, you wanna go out of your way to repeatedly sabotage me despite my requests for help -- and then claim your willingness to do ‘whatever you can to help’ and effing *cry* because it makes you “so sad” to see how ‘out of control I am’ and you 'just don't know what more you can do to help'...well then, fine, I can’t control that. But I WILL lose weight, IN SPITE of you. @#$% you.” *gigantic middle finger*
Tuesday, June 04, 2013
I want sugar.
Actually, I want love. For me, when I want comfort, when I feel sad or ashamed or bad about myself or my life, I get a message saying "SUGAR! NOW!!!"
Sugar is not love. Sugar will make me feel better momentarily. Until I feel worse, and in need of comfort and love because I screwed up. Then I will want more sugar. Assuming I get past round 2 of wanting sugar, I will have the crash from sugar to contend with, at which time I will want sugar yet *again*. And if I eat sugar, I will get fatter. And feel worse about myself.
No, sugar is not love. It's not sugar that I really want.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
My 2 new mantras.
They're not BS, either. I don't need *convincing*, just reminders. That's why yoga's so crucial for me: it connects me to that truth.
When I'm conscious of my wholeness and completeness, I don't need to eat to fill some void or make up for character deficits. I'm enough.
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