Friday, May 25, 2012
Okay. I'm officially tired of being depressed and not caring about my health. I'm tired of wondering when things are going to change, and instead of over analyzing the steps of how to do it, I am going to just do it (I hate that Nike has that stupid phrase). Either way, that's how it's going to work. I am flushing my system out today with tons of water, and I'm going to just take it a day at a time. I re-set my goals and updated my weight (not too happy about it, but it could be a LOT worse) so I can face the realities of what I need to do to get to where I want to be.
I understand that if I could lose the first 80 pounds, then I CAN lose the second. I understand that this isn't going to be easy. It wasn't easy the first time around-actually, it was the easiest, AND the hardest thing I've ever done.The only problem is that the second half is harder, but since I've let myself kind of slack off for the last 5 months, I'm hoping this will be like the "first half" all over again. I've spent 5 months going on and off this, but I calculated my goals, and if I start NOW, I can be down to 199 pounds by December 31st! I can be in "Onederland" by the end of the year-but that means I ABSOLUTELY need to get this going NOW.
It's going to start with a walk when I get home-at least 30 minutes. I'll probably do more, but I only want to promise myself 30 minutes. That's a promise I can definitely keep.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do to ensure I stay motivated every day, but changing my habits is crucial. I guess I was thinking about what got me going in the first place...I remember in September of 2010, it was a really hot day in Portland, and I was wearing this shirt that was a little too tight, and a little too short. I remember specifically how I felt as it was riding up slightly. I remember thinking about how the shirt would have rested lower on my torso had I not been so large. I was 300 pounds back then.
I made excellent strides in 2011, but I cannot dwell on that anymore. While my success so far is not gaining it all back, I have to re-assert myself and remind myself that I'm worth going all the way. They say it's hard to get there, but it's harder to stay there. It's so damn true. I didn't even "get there" yet, and I had trouble with it. I know this will be a life-long struggle, and I won't always keep my cool. I know there will be days when I just want to eat everything in sight. I have to be mindful of those days. My connection to food is so unhealthy. I don't want to go to the other extreme either (not eating at all) because that's not healthy either.
I know how powerful the mind is. If I just focus my attention to what I want, I can achieve my success. I guess put on some 'blinders' so I can only look forward.
It's better to start now, and work diligently until the end of the year (and beyond!) than to let this time pass, and then "start" from who knows where come the end of the year.
I visualize myself thin, and I want to BE her. I want to be this beautiful woman in my head who can run for miles without a thought. I want to be a role model for others who share similar struggles. I know I can do it.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
I really haven't been feeling like myself lately. I have had no desire to measure my food, or exercise. I hate feeling this way, but there's a part of me that simply doesn't care. I guess I do care because I'm writing about it.
To be honest, I've felt kind of 'off' since last weekend. I'm supposed to be on my T.O.M. sometime this week, so it's possible that my hormones are just weird, but I just can't shake this feeling of not really caring that much.
Last night I was kind of peeved because I was watching television, and it was half-way through, and my mom decides to change the channel. So rude! I know it's piddly. It's just the television, but seriously, it's not like my mom doesn't watch it enough. Hell, she's in there RIGHT NOW watching it, and she's BEEN watching it since about 11. It's almost 5 now. It's not just that, she tells me how to clean, how to cook, and that I'm cooking it at too high of a heat-when she's not even going to eat it because she doesn't like noodles, etc. It's just so annoying I figured, I'm just not going to be in the same room. I guess that's what my counselor calls 'avoidance'. Works for me. We've never had a bad relationship, but I can't say that I've ever been 'close' to my parents. I don't feel like I can tell them anything, I don't feel like I can trust them with a secret because it'll just get out to the other siblings-it always does. My dad sleeps like 40% of the day away because he has sleep apnea and refuses to see a doctor about it.
Thankfully I got my financial aid award. I'm getting enough to be able to move out this fall. I'm not sure how long I can take it, and honestly trying to lose weight in this household is tough. I'm just amazed that I haven't gained more weight. I suppose maintaining is better than gaining. It's just frustrating when I paid money to live here, and there's not even any consideration for me by buying skim milk, or low fat, or sugar-free, etc. My mom calls skim milk "water milk", and she doesn't like the taste of low fat, or sugar free....even though those items would have been for me.
Last Thursday my brakes in my car went out. It was terrifying. We had to leave it overnight, and then magically the next day, my brother was able to drive it and use the brakes no problem-except when we got back into town. They work when the car is turned off, yet they don't work when the car is on. It's a pretty scary experience to say the least. I am upset that I had to skip my Spanish class over it, but it was the first time out of the whole term, and that's pretty good considering it's a 4-day a week class.
We have decided that we're going to sell the vehicle-and we're not going to let the buyer drive it home. I would feel terrible if something happened to the next person who owned it.
I'm not really worried. I've got 3 weeks of school left, and we're going to just take the bus-thankfully, there's a bus that goes out there. It's about 20 miles away, and there are a lot of people who live in Salem and go there.
I feel so trapped right now. I feel like nothing's ever going to get better, and even when I do lose the weight, who cares? Even when I finish school, who cares? I'm going to be one out of thousands of Americans graduating from college who either A: can't get into Grad school because we can't afford it, or B: trying to find a job in an over-saturated economy with thousands of dollars of debt.
No matter what way I look, it seems as though I'm screwed.
I guess depression leads you to think that way...
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
I'm SO damn tired of over eating every SINGLE time I go visit family! It's not that they just happen to serve good food, but they PUSH it! Especially my aunt and Grandmother!
I was talking with a trusted third party yesterday, and I realized something: Throughout my life, my aunt has ALWAYS pointed out my weight. I remember when I was in grade school she bought a swing set for her kids (they're about 6-8 years younger than me) and she said "okay, all the kids can play on it, but the weight limit is 100 pounds. Knowing at that time that I was over 100 pounds (I was about 112 pounds at the time), I let it slip: "I didn't really want to play on it anyway" (I really didn't. We had a swing set growing up, it wasn't a big deal, plus I was about 10 or 11 at the time-too old for that in my opinion) and my aunt turns to me and says "Lizzie!!! you're OVER 100 pounds!?"
I can't believe how humiliated I was. I had never really considered my weight a problem. She kind of just planted the seed on that one...
As I was fuming and talking about this, I remembered yet another time when I was about 270 pounds, and my uncle, my dad and my aunt all wanted to go for a long walk/hike. I said I wanted to go too, but my aunt said "Oh lizzie...I don't think you can manage those hills. I can barely make it myself" What made it worse was my dad backed her up with :"Yeah liz...maybe you should stay here". I was seriously in tears. I couldn't believe that my own family had doubted me so much. To this day, it still hurts. I don't even like going for walks with my dad. It hurt because my aunt severely underestimated my physical ability, and she dared to say that because her-a woman who had severely injured her back while skating down a hill in the 80's could barely make it up, surely a young fat girl couldn't. My health level was compared to that of a person who is on disability! It hurt more because my dad backed her up. He didn't say anything along the lines of "well, just let her try it". There was nothing about changing the route so I could go (it's stupid because I KNOW I could have made it). Looking back, it could have been because they just wanted to have some 'sibling time without the kids', but if that had been the case, they should have SAID so.
I have had comments about what I eat from her, I've had the same aunt try to give me her old clothes (her fat clothes mind you). it's just so offensive. I'm seriously thinking about not going there anymore. I can't stand how I feel after I go there, and I cannot believe how annoyed I am just re-thinking about it.
Well, I've got an idea: Instead of fuming over it and continuing to eat so much that I dream about it (seriously, I had a dream I was eating pancakes with peanut butter, banana, syrup, and ketchup ewww!), how about I use this anger and focus it towards reaching my goals?
No one else seems to think I can do it, but what they don't know is that I can. What they don't know is they're providing the fuel I need to make sure this happens. Im tired of screwing around. I've been hovering at the same weight since about september of last year-always though long bouts of on and off depression. Maybe I'll talk to my doctor about it some more. I'm so damn tired of feeling so terribly low then feeling so crazy up.
Manic-depression has crossed my mind, but I'm going to first try something before talking to a prescription-happy doctor. I'm going to really make an effort in changing what I eat. I think the chemicals in the foods I've been eating have been affecting my mood. It's going to be hard, but I really need to focus on eating better. I'm going to track my depression and write it down when I feel bad. If it is still fluctuating like crazy, I'll talk to a doctor.
Wednesday, May 09, 2012
But when I look in the mirror, I see a woman who has lost 81 pounds and no matter how silly I look running, or how slow my jog is, I'm doing something that I didn't think I'd ever be able to do.
And I love it.
I am so proud of myself. I hadn't jogged in so long, but I decided to take on my 5.56 mile route, and while I didn't jog the entire thing, I jogged at least 70% of it.
I am too proud of myself to let what anyone else says get in the way of my progress.
Monday, May 07, 2012
Of course, like many other sparkers out there, I managed to eat over my calories over the weekend :/
I hate when that happens! Luckily today I have a renewed sense of confidence that I can and will stay within my calorie goals. I do have to say that last weekend's over-eating was far less than it would have been a couple years ago, so really, I'm still ahead. I can do this, and I acknowledge that social eating happens. The best thing to do is just enjoy myself, not get TOO out of control, and pick myself up the next day.
I definitely won't be beating myself up over this. I still feel great, and I haven't lost my strength.
I will prevail!
On a good note, I got a bunch of homework assignments back from my Spanish teacher and they all had pretty good marks on them. I'm happy. Just when I think that I'm doing terribly, I get some sort of confirmation that I'm really not, and I'm not giving myself enough credit.
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