Friday, January 06, 2012
Well most of my "faithful" readers know that in order to continue going to school full time, my fiance'e and myself had to move in with my parents. It's barely been a month and I am SO entirely frustrated! Because the house is full (no, there's no where else to go for either of us) there are no spare bedrooms. We basically sleep in the television room and just use the hide-a-bed. Yeah, there's a door separating it, but we can't lock it because the cat's litter box is in there.
We got rid of a lot of stuff, and property wise, we're down to a couple of plastic 3-drawer rolling dressers, our blankets, and a small cabinet to keep toiletries. There are 8 people living in the house plus 5 cats and a dog. It's a four bedroom house and isn't very big at all. Part of the cat issue is two of them belong to my sister. She moved back home with them when she broke up with her boyfriend a couple years ago. One of them belongs to me, and another one belongs to another sister. Basically it's a #ucking zoo.
Someone is always home. I haven't had much alone time with Adam since we've moved in. I gotta say it sucks, and it's frustrating. for once everyone was gone, and we finally had some alone time, and sure as $hit, within 5 minutes, my brother came home. On top of all that, he told me that the part he was replacing on my car was the wrong size. The company that we bought it from shipped the wrong one. School starts on Monday. I just bawled. I literally feel like I'm at the end of my rope. Yes, I can take the bus, but it feels like every time I get a little ahead, something pulls me back even further than where I started.
I know things are supposed to get better, but when the hell is it going to happen?! When is it going to be MY turn? Honestly, I'm surprised I've been able to eat within my calorie range. I'm amazed that I haven't torn out all of my hair or jumped into traffic. And I kid you not, one of the cats just barfed as I'm typing this.
(Cleaned up cat vomit)
On a good note, the walking has helped. That's really the only time Adam and I get any time alone. The only thing is we can't really be physical with each other like we used to be. I guess I just have to be patient and do REALLY well in school. I know we won't have enough money to move into our own place at least until September.
Friday, January 06, 2012
I'm not sure why, but I'm freaking out just seeing Adam (my fiance'e) eat a large jack in the box meal. I already ate, and I am not physically hungry, but for some reason, seeing someone else eat fast food gives me some kind of anxiety. The old me would have gotten a meal too even though I wasn't hungry. I already ate a Whitman's 3 piece sugar free sampler pack, and I had 2 of his fries, so that was my treat for the day.
I'm not sure how to describe my relationship with fast food. There was a time when my usual fare at McDonald's was 2 mcdoubles, a large fry, and a large chocolate shake-all of which I would eat in bed while watching television. Thinking about it now makes me feel ashamed of that behavior. It's almost like...I feel left out if I see others eating and I'm not. It's almost like there's a slight panic. I don't know how to describe it any other way.
On a good note, me choosing NOT to get anything was a victory. That's about 900-1000 calories that I DIDN'T need or eat tonight. Sure, I had the chocolate, but my total calorie count for the day was less than 1900. I have to remind myself that every day I pass on the food when I'm not hungry is a day closer to my goal. I have to remind myself that this is a process. All of the positive choices I make add up, and hopefully by the end of the year, I'll be at my goal weight, or at least at a healthy weight below 200 pounds.
I feel better now that I've blogged about all this.
Well, it's 2:10 in the morning. Good night all.
Thursday, January 05, 2012
These last couple of days have been great. I have managed to eat within my calorie range, and in spite of baking 20+ cupcakes yesterday, I only ate 1.5 because we were taste testing them. I have been going for walks, and I've actually burned about half of the calories I'm supposed to for this week. I'm really excited about everything now. I'm starting school on Monday. That makes me happy. I won't feel so useless, and I'll have access to a gym so I can strength train.
Today we're also getting our car fixed. That means we'll be able to drive to school and not rely on the bus anymore.
I am seriously SO excited! Yay for new beginnings!!
Monday, January 02, 2012
Yesterday I went with Adam to his grandparents' house for a new year's brunch. I didn't eat as much as I could have, but I did eat a lot of fudge that they had there.
So far today, I have been doing really well with food intake. When I feel hungry, I drink a cup of green tea. I'm also going to go for a walk before I make dinner for myself. I am so excited to see the weight come off again. Yesterday I went for two 3+ mile walks. Once in the morning and once in the evening. We just went because that seems to be the only way we can spend time together. I'm hoping we can make it a regular thing when it's not raining too hard.
Today my dad came home from my aunt's house. He brought cake-really TASTY looking cake. I didn't even TOUCH it. I'm so proud of myself. I'm hoping to avoid it as much as possible, but like I said, one cheat meal a week won't undo my progress. Anyway, I guess I'm going to go for a walk now.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
This year has been full of crazy life lessons. Most importantly, I learned that I can do anything I set my mind to.
I know it's typical, but I do have some New Year's resolutions. The stress of losing my grandfather, my car and more recently my apartment and any hopes of privacy with my fiance'e resulted in me gaining about 25 pounds. Not good, but I can still take away the fact that I didn't gain it all back. I'm still about 40 pounds lighter than where I started 2011. I'm still happy about the fact that I have a new self respect that I didn't have a year ago.
This year, I am going to be more vigilant about my foods. I know that Spark people isn't about deprivation or starving oneself, but I see the patterns of my behavior. I see myself as an addict. I have decided that I will have one cheat MEAL a week. I know it's common to do a cheat DAY, but you can undo so much motivation in one day that I decided I should just keep it at one cheat meal. I have a lot of hope for this year. I'm not sure exactly when I'm going to be moving out of my parents' house, but I a so fortunate for them to have taken not only myself, but my fiance'e in as well. I'm looking forward to getting a part time job, and just continuing life as a university student. I am seriously so freakin' excited to start using their gym too! Of course, tomorrow morning I'm going to take a walk. Rain or shine just to kick off 2012.
Happy new year everyone and I hope it's wonderful for all of you!
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