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Food Anxiety

Friday, January 06, 2012

I'm not sure why, but I'm freaking out just seeing Adam (my fiance'e) eat a large jack in the box meal. I already ate, and I am not physically hungry, but for some reason, seeing someone else eat fast food gives me some kind of anxiety. The old me would have gotten a meal too even though I wasn't hungry. I already ate a Whitman's 3 piece sugar free sampler pack, and I had 2 of his fries, so that was my treat for the day.
I'm not sure how to describe my relationship with fast food. There was a time when my usual fare at McDonald's was 2 mcdoubles, a large fry, and a large chocolate shake-all of which I would eat in bed while watching television. Thinking about it now makes me feel ashamed of that behavior. It's almost like...I feel left out if I see others eating and I'm not. It's almost like there's a slight panic. I don't know how to describe it any other way.

On a good note, me choosing NOT to get anything was a victory. That's about 900-1000 calories that I DIDN'T need or eat tonight. Sure, I had the chocolate, but my total calorie count for the day was less than 1900. I have to remind myself that every day I pass on the food when I'm not hungry is a day closer to my goal. I have to remind myself that this is a process. All of the positive choices I make add up, and hopefully by the end of the year, I'll be at my goal weight, or at least at a healthy weight below 200 pounds.
I feel better now that I've blogged about all this.

Well, it's 2:10 in the morning. Good night all.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RUNNERRACHEL 1/6/2012 10:29AM

    I think it's great that you paid attention to the fact that you weren't hungry and despite what your head was telling you, you didn't give in. I think it will get easier. Fast food is manufactured to give us these intense cravings. Good job on not giving in to old habits. It's good you blogged about it. Keep listening to your true hunger and I think you'll find it easier next time.

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CONTESSA75 1/6/2012 8:23AM

  This to shall pass..... I was there about a year ago, my husband has Graves disease, he is not able to keep weight on. So he eats like there is no tommorrow...5 popsicles in 1 sitting is a breeze to him...and not an ounce gained. I tell myself, I am not him, I am strong, I can do this. Okay before all of that I ask him if it is really neccessary, but none the less....I hold fast and remember, there is no "Gaurantee to this weight loss thing, a healthier life all depends on me!" My prayers are with you, stay strong.

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MARKSTIPANOVSKY 1/6/2012 5:54AM

    Good luck with reaching all your goals and more this year. +Mark

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Good So Far...

Thursday, January 05, 2012

These last couple of days have been great. I have managed to eat within my calorie range, and in spite of baking 20+ cupcakes yesterday, I only ate 1.5 because we were taste testing them. I have been going for walks, and I've actually burned about half of the calories I'm supposed to for this week. I'm really excited about everything now. I'm starting school on Monday. That makes me happy. I won't feel so useless, and I'll have access to a gym so I can strength train.
Today we're also getting our car fixed. That means we'll be able to drive to school and not rely on the bus anymore.
I am seriously SO excited! Yay for new beginnings!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PUNKIN175 1/5/2012 8:29PM

    Awesome!!! Great positive blog! I hope everything works out for you and good luck with the strength training!!!

(i love cupcakes... **sigh** I prolly would not have been able to stop at 1.5! You are a strong woman!!! ; )

Rock the goals!!!
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Real Day 1

Monday, January 02, 2012

Yesterday I went with Adam to his grandparents' house for a new year's brunch. I didn't eat as much as I could have, but I did eat a lot of fudge that they had there.
So far today, I have been doing really well with food intake. When I feel hungry, I drink a cup of green tea. I'm also going to go for a walk before I make dinner for myself. I am so excited to see the weight come off again. Yesterday I went for two 3+ mile walks. Once in the morning and once in the evening. We just went because that seems to be the only way we can spend time together. I'm hoping we can make it a regular thing when it's not raining too hard.
Today my dad came home from my aunt's house. He brought cake-really TASTY looking cake. I didn't even TOUCH it. I'm so proud of myself. I'm hoping to avoid it as much as possible, but like I said, one cheat meal a week won't undo my progress. Anyway, I guess I'm going to go for a walk now.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RUNNERRACHEL 1/2/2012 10:34PM

    You're doing so well! Glad you had a nice time with your fiance's family and your family! That's emoticon keep up the great work!
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DOLPHINFAN1334 1/2/2012 9:41PM

    KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK AND HAVE A SPECTACULAR DAY TOMORROW!! emoticon

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Last Day of the Year

Saturday, December 31, 2011

This year has been full of crazy life lessons. Most importantly, I learned that I can do anything I set my mind to.
I know it's typical, but I do have some New Year's resolutions. The stress of losing my grandfather, my car and more recently my apartment and any hopes of privacy with my fiance'e resulted in me gaining about 25 pounds. Not good, but I can still take away the fact that I didn't gain it all back. I'm still about 40 pounds lighter than where I started 2011. I'm still happy about the fact that I have a new self respect that I didn't have a year ago.
This year, I am going to be more vigilant about my foods. I know that Spark people isn't about deprivation or starving oneself, but I see the patterns of my behavior. I see myself as an addict. I have decided that I will have one cheat MEAL a week. I know it's common to do a cheat DAY, but you can undo so much motivation in one day that I decided I should just keep it at one cheat meal. I have a lot of hope for this year. I'm not sure exactly when I'm going to be moving out of my parents' house, but I a so fortunate for them to have taken not only myself, but my fiance'e in as well. I'm looking forward to getting a part time job, and just continuing life as a university student. I am seriously so freakin' excited to start using their gym too! Of course, tomorrow morning I'm going to take a walk. Rain or shine just to kick off 2012.

Happy new year everyone and I hope it's wonderful for all of you!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RUNNERRACHEL 12/31/2011 11:59PM

    Sorry to hear about the setbacks/difficulties that you've experienced but you sound positive and I know you'll make it through. I'm happy to hear you're getting a part time job and continuing with school. This will be a great year. We can take what we've learned and apply it in 2012!

Happy New Year!

And have a great walk tomorrow morning!!

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12 Days

Monday, December 19, 2011

In 12 days, we will be celebrating the New Year. I probably won't be back here for a while, but I definitely have a lot to reflect on...

It was a year ago on the 17th that I decided I had had enough working for the call center of a bank. It was killing me-literally, with all of the weight I put on working there. I was severely depressed as well. Adam later admitted to me that there were times when he had worried I was going to really hurt myself.

In 2011 I have managed to get to the lowest weight I've been since high school. I'm finally done with Chemeketa Community College-Fall term I earned 5 A's and 1 B. I'm so proud of myself. In spite of everything, I haven't gone too crazy with the weight gain-my size 16W pants still fit, so that's a plus, and while I haven't really been paying attention to what I've been eating, I still go for walks. I feel like the anti-depression endorphines released are more important than weight loss from the walk itself. Once I have access to a full gym, you bet your butts I'm going to get down to my goal weight. On another positive note, I believe that doing this as slow as I have is extra beneficial. I didn't just spend 12 straight months on hard core training and eating well. As cool as it would have been to reach my goal weight this year, I know that I would have fallen really hard.

Next year I have a few goals:
* Reach my goal weight I don't care if it's in August or December. I WILL get to "ONEderland" at some time in 2012.

*Do exceptionally well in School: I know I can do this, and It may seem dire out there for those who have received a higher education, but I have a clear goal and a plan in mind.

*Get a part time job-I'm actually going to apply at the retirement home I used to work for. Honestly, it was my favorite job, and I had a good reputation there. I just have to wait until I'm all settled and used to my schedule before I do that. Of course, I'll apply at other places too.

*Move out of my parents' place-again. It's weird enough that we're going to be living in the house that I pretty much grew up in, but there's no spare bedroom and we'll be sleeping in the back room. While I'm grateful, I know it's only a temporary solution.

I guess that's all I really have to write about. I'll see you all in 2012!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VADAVICTORIA 12/22/2011 5:17AM

    Advanced happy new year to you! Go for your goals - enroll in a gym asap and find a job that you're passionate about. :) Wake up happy everyday - there's no other way to live!

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