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I look down and sometimes I still just see

Monday, June 06, 2011

a fat girl.
I understand that I've lost about 74 pounds. I guess I'm just disappointed that even after losing that much weight, I still have about 91 pounds to go. I should have never let it get that far in the first place. Essentially I'll have lost exactly half of myself when I get down to my goal weight. HALF OF ME! I know regretting things isn't the most productive behavior, but lately I can't help it. I'm not saying that I want to give up. I guess I just feel like the process, while trustworthy, is still extremely slow. I guess in reality, it's only been 5 full months. Even in that time, I've lost exactly 50 pounds. Ten pounds a month isn't that bad at all. I am definitely not done losing weight. I am far more successful now than I have been in the past. I have never really lost more than 35 or so pounds in one "go" before losing steam. I guess sometimes I need to throw my tantrum and keep moving.

I just have this terrible feeling in the back of my head that I'm going to lose steam. I always seem to in the summertime. I use the fact that it's too hot to exercise. I have to really focus. I DO NOT want to give this up! I've earned what I have and I'm damn proud of myself. I've proven to myself that deep within my heart, I WANT this! I also just realized that I am going to be taking an exercise class during the summer term too so I guess in a way I thought of that in advance.
Okay wow. That was pretty much a glimpse into how my thoughts process. By the way, It's a huge turn around from my self-defeating thoughts of the past. I used to be really negative and I never really acknowledged that. I saw the worst in everything. I thought everyone was out to get me. I had major trust issues. Now that I've started working through these issues and losing the weight, I've been doing so much better.
Okay. I've talked myself back into a positive state of mind. Yay for journaling.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PARASELENIC 6/7/2011 9:41PM

    YAY FOR JOURNALING!!! I experience much of the same Negative to Positive turn around, but I totally understand the impatience-- this is HARD WORK, and it's SLOW to the big goal. Looking at the big goal, makes it all seem pointless-- which is why you look at the little goals: I can walk up this flight of stairs without getting out of breath. I can rock this pair of jeans that I couldn't before, I can eat and feel full and stop eating! Small goals. You're doing great.

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CINNAMONJOY 6/6/2011 9:48AM

    I hate the heat too, but I'll soldier on this summer because I just started. I'm afraid of losing my steam during winter when I huddle in front of my little space heater for warmth and am reluctant to leave it for the smallest reason. You are very smart to set up a "I HAVE to do this." exercise during summer when the heat and humidity hit. This is what I need to do also.

Ten pounds a month is awesome. I saw a suggestion on someone's page - Take a pic every ten pounds and look at the pics when you are feeling down and want to quit. I think it's a good suggestion. I haven't even taken a "now" picture. The pic I have up is from last year.

Journaling is a fantastic way to get your thoughts together. I've been doing it for years and I'll never stop.

You are doing GREAT and you are inspiring me! Thank you!

Comment edited on: 6/6/2011 9:49:53 AM

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TJHIERS 6/6/2011 9:36AM

    you've done a great job ! keep going and stay positive, the results are showing on that scale ! emoticon

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NANT406 6/6/2011 5:29AM

    emoticon on your progress. It sounds like you've come a long way, which inspires me, because I feel lost. But after reading what you've accomplished, it gives me hope. Thank you. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SLEANNES66 6/6/2011 1:47AM

    Congratulations on the weight loss. The fact that you're steadily loosing weight is a big WOOHOO!!! It's great that you realize a possible problem and have a plan to keep going.You have a lot of positives to concentrate on. Good luck!

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No matter what happens

Thursday, June 02, 2011

This is my last week of classes before finals. I'm doing well in all of my classes, but the last math exam I took, I bombed. The majority of the class was equally terrible, so I don't feel bad. I have an opportunity to retake it by next wednesday, so you bet I'm going to do it! It's going to be the same test, all I have to do is correct my mistakes, and write a page of notes to use for the test-wow that sounds a LOT easier now that I've written it down! I have turned in every assignment except 2, which I will turn in tomorrow. I have only skipped 2 classes this whole term-it's a 5-day a week class, so that's pretty darn good if you ask me.
I'm still nervous about the final. I'm more nervous about it than any of my other finals.
I was starting to feel like I should give up and just re-take the course another term. I had even signed up for the same math class for next term just in case.
I am changing my mentality now. I can work my butt off to save this. It's not lost yet! I can still do it. I just have to work at it and study! If I still fail the class after all it, then I can at least say I tried my hardest. I ended up un-enrolling from the 'back up' math class. I don't want that to be a crutch.

These kinds of set backs are like weight-loss set backs. Failing the math class wouldn't automatically mean my chance to finish at the community college is over. It would simply mean that I'd have to try again. I am not going to despair. I am not going to throw myself into a panic attack over this. I am not going to tell myself that it's over because in reality-it's not! I can still pass this class with a C. The only bad grade was that exam. I've turned in everything, and I plan on turning in the last two assignments. I can do this I can do this I CAN DO THIS!
I cannot let the negative feelings consume me.

Yesterday I did my final presentation for biology. I had gone with a group to volunteer at Bald Hill in Corvallis to replace a damaged culvert in a trail. There was a cameraman who was taking pictures, and we decided to use them in our presentation. When I first saw the picture, I thought I saw myself among the group, but there was something off about it. I scanned the photo again, and realized-HOLY CRAP THAT IS ME! I looked normal! I was expecting to see the fat girl that I had identified so many times as me, but she wasn't there. In her place was a normal looking person! I was so happy I seriously wanted to cry. In spite of this weight loss, I often still see myself as the 330 pound woman I once was. I have to keep reminding myself that I've actually lost 73 pounds, and each pound is a step farther away from that nasty number.
There was a fellow classmate who was writing a paper on obesity for another class, and I offered to read it and do some peer-editing (writing happens to be something I know that I'm good at ). When I was done reading it, he said that he had to make it longer but didn't know where to expand. I offered up some points he could talk about, and I explained that I knew them so well because of where I've been. I ended up showing him the photo that I keep in my cell phone as proof. The look I received said it all.
I am not afraid to show people who I once was because the fat girl in the photo is so far away from who I am now.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ADMIST5711 6/4/2011 9:24PM

    Great Blog. Great Job. Great Journey. You look fabulous!! I guess it is a good thing to look back and remember where we came from. It keeps us focused when we need to be. You fought hard to get where you are NOW though. Soak up all those ewe's and ahhhh's. They feel sooooooooooo good huh! emoticon emoticon

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DUSTYPRAIRIE 6/2/2011 12:40PM

    Best of luck on your exam. What a neat thing - to be able to see yourself as you are changing. It took me forever to lose the skinnier image of myself as the pounds crept on. I'm glad to know it's going to work in reverse!

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PARASELENIC 6/2/2011 12:32PM

    It's crazy how much the spark applies to more than just the body health. Right on with perservering through your math class, and how FABULOUS that you get to see yourself with your progress. Rock it, babe!

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Credit where credit is due (Rant, sorry)

Monday, May 30, 2011

I get it. You're religious and you're happy that Jesus gave you the strength to keep going. It's awesome if that is what works for you. The thing is, I'm not religious-at all. I take credit for my success and I take the fall for my failures. The truth is, Jesus isn't doing the exercise for me. God isn't my coach, and I'm not going to continue on pretend that there's a being in another world/dimension/whatever who actually cares about what I am personally doing with my life in this exact moment.

I was raised Catholic ('Well, there's half your problem Hyuk hyuk hyuk" is the response I get from those who believe Catholicism isn't a 'real' or 'heaven-guaranteeing' religion). I was baptized as a baby, and I followed through to my first confession (telling a priest the things you did wrong is pretty daunting for a 3rd grader), on to my first communion, and eventually even to confirmation when I was 17.

I understand that my parents did what they thought was going to be the best for me. The truth is, I hated church. I still hate it. Ever since I can remember, church was MANDATORY in my family. Sure, it was only an hour, but it was the longest, most annoying hour of the week, and I just dreaded Sundays. I had always wondered why I couldn't just pray in my head, or reflect on the actual things that I personally have done or not done. There are so many religions out there. I can't even begin to assume that the religion that my parents' happened to raise me in is the right one. I can't think of anyone in any religion doing so. Sure, I have theories as to how things might work, but it's so deeply personal that I don't feel the need to share it.

Look, I'm not out to offend anyone. I get that there are multiple religions and I still respect those who believe, just understand that I personally don't, and no amount of reading bible passages is going to change that about me. If I should change, it would have to come purely from within myself.

I can do anything I believe I can. I don't need other people telling me what I should or shouldn't do because in the end, they're not the ones living with MY decisions. Another person has no right to assume what's best for anyone else but themselves. Sure, if you have kids, whatever, but I'm not talking about that. No grown adult has the right or the place to tell me what I should believe, or what I should do. No one will ever know me better than me.

Sorry, I just had to rant about this. In the forums, I had a person telling me that I SHOULD believe or I SHOULD do XYZ. Truth is, no one on this website knows me intimately enough to make that judgement, and I will certainly not judge anyone for their religious believes. I just want a mutual understanding from others in return.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SCHWINNER! 6/2/2011 7:17AM

    I agree with this post and would like to subscribe to your newsletter ;)

Well said, really well said. Add me to the list of people that believes in personal responsibility!

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ZORBS13 6/2/2011 5:23AM

    I HATE when people reply to stuff on the message boards with something like, "pray and God will help you." No, only you can help yourself with motivation and putting down the donut.

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TOTHEFUTURE1 5/31/2011 9:07PM

    I endorse what you have said.

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JANEDOE12345 5/31/2011 6:27PM

    SP seems to draw a vocal and very conservative constituency, with lots of fundamentalists. Most are just here to lose weight and be companionable, and most people on SP are all that and more - but that minority of preaching-types can start being bullies now and then. It must be embarrassing for those who share that sort of religion. It gets to me, too.

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PARASELENIC 5/31/2011 6:09PM

    Right on. I wish there were more of you here on spark. I feel overwhelmed and flooded by religious-ness sometimes on spark.

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PARASELENIC 5/31/2011 6:08PM

    Right on. I wish there were more of you here on spark. I feel overwhelmed and flooded by religious-ness sometimes on spark.

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CINNAMONJOY 5/31/2011 6:02PM

    *applause meter at 11* YOU did it. Not Jesus. Not God. Not Moses or Mohammad. And certainly not Odin, although those Valkyries could serve as inspiration, right? Gods always get the credit when things go right, but they never seem to be blamed when everything goes wrong. No, then it's the trickster gods or sinful humans. Bah.

I totally agree with you.

We have to rely on ourselves and we know that this is the one chance we have. One life, one chance, so we gotta get it right. There are no do-overs and no place that we go after this one. For me, that's far more compelling than any religious support system.

I can't wait to read the rest of your entries!

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ELSIE_BEE 5/31/2011 4:58PM

    I think that you have spoken for a lot of people who don't speak up for themselves on this subject. Thanks!

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REMEMBER_MYSELF 5/31/2011 4:54PM

    Hey fellow LAH member. I loved your blog. Keep it up!

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STARDUST2K4 5/31/2011 10:09AM

    Thanks everyone! I am actually quite surprised by the response I received on this. I'm definitely glad I'm not the only one that feels this way.

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MENHALLS 5/31/2011 9:17AM

    I completely respect your post. I do have a close & personal relationship with God but like any other relationship, I don't find it necessary to force others into it. (Would you invite others to love your husband the way you do? I don't think so...)

I hope that you do have faith in something - yourself.

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JESSICAKES88 5/31/2011 4:43AM

    i agree! I've had to deal with the same issue and it always gets under my skin, so good for you for ranting this.

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EUPHRATES 5/31/2011 3:12AM


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NATALIE225 5/31/2011 2:42AM

    I totally agree with you. I don't mind if people are asking for prayers and people respond with religious comments because I understand that's how some people cope with things. But it can be frustrating when people ASSUME you're religious (or a certain religion) and give you comments regarding that. I tend to ignore them. I just remind myself that 1. their intentions are probably good and 2. if their intentions aren't good then I just have to accept that there are some ignorant people on SP just like in the rest of the world.

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PUFFPASTRY 5/31/2011 2:39AM

    OMG, I hear you SO LOUD and CLEAR! YES! I've had Spark members send me messages telling me that they were praying for my soul...asking me if I had a personal relationship with Jesus...and for a while, I had a major, major harrassment issue going on, with a proselytizing Jesus freak whom I'd offended on one of the community boards who wouldn't let the incident go, and stalked my Spark page for weeks, until I had to make my page private and ask the moderators to intervene (they were very reluctant to do so -- I think this website is Christian in its origins, if you get my drift). So...YES. I, too, wish there was a separation of church and state on SP. THANKS for the rant!
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BUBBLEJ1 5/31/2011 1:50AM


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FITFOURME 5/31/2011 1:42AM

    This is brilliant. I agree 100% that everyone is entitled to their own belief and the right to not have someone tell them that they are wrong.

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BARCLE 5/31/2011 12:20AM

    Love, love, love this blog. Wish I could "I Liked This" 500x. I wholeheartedly agree - emoticon

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    love this blog. couldn't have said it better myself!

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FATFREE531 5/30/2011 8:59PM

  I couldn't have said it better myself! We must all be allowed the freedom to use this site without being harassed by those who erroneously believe that they are better than us. They're not better than us, they're not smarter than us; they're just more susceptible to suggestion than we are. As Red Green would say, "We're all in this together!"

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CAROLJEAN64 5/30/2011 3:54PM

    You eloquently spoke a concern that many have. I want to respect those with deeply help beliefs, but I want the same respect from them. When someone is in need and asks for prayers, I respond that I will hold them in the light of love.... my version of "prayer." I don't think that is forcing my belief on them, but saying that I care. I do know that sometimes messages of caring feel more like messages of evangelism. I do my best to look past that to recognize the divinity in all of us.

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VBPARROTHEAD 5/30/2011 2:59PM

  I was also raised catholic but attended the baptist church with my paternal grandmother. Think that doesn't mess with your mind? I now live within 2 miles of one of the big evangelical preachers, his tv network, university, and hotel. He only hires "born again" christians. Now that is discrimination! Well, I am off the subject. One's personal beliefs about a higher being are just that, persib=nal, yours, and not anyone elses. The same goes for anyone else at Spark People, your neighborhood, etc. I got the idea that someone tried to shove theri belifs down your throat, they are probably well meaning, but they shouldn't do it. You have a right to believe or not.

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ALICIAYOUNG1127 5/30/2011 2:48PM

    this site should invoke the law of seperation of church and state..I feel you..and good rant!!!

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MIPALADY23 5/30/2011 2:27PM

    Feel better! Ranting stops you from going insane later, so good job!

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An awesome opportunity and another goal reached

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

I woke up today and stepped on the scale. It said 260. Today marks the day that I am officially 70 pounds lighter! I never thought that I would be able to even lose 30 pounds let alone 70. I was so proud of myself that it didn't even matter that I jogged my mile and a half 20 seconds slower than I did the first time. I was consistent. I cannot express how much better I feel. I am truly elated. There have been SO many positive changes that I really can't even count them all. This is a reminder though. I MUST keep going. I am closer to being done, but I am no where near the 'safe' zone for my BMI.

I told my jogging teacher about it today. She knows about my weight loss, and she said that I would be a great person to have speak in her class. She wants me to join a cooperative work experience. It's something I'll be able to use on a resume. I'm so freaking excited about this.

At first when I realized that I'd have to continue at the community college for Fall term, I was disappointed, but things definitely happen for a reason. I am so excited to have an opportunity to share my experience and hopefully inspire others to follow their health goals.

I have a feeling that I'll be able to do some pretty wonderful things.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RELIVE 5/25/2011 11:37PM

    Congrats!! 70 lbs is freaking amazing!! How inspiring! :-)

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JRIMM4 5/25/2011 4:50PM

    Congratulations on the 70 lbs! The opportunity your teacher is proposing sounds awesome! Good luck!!!!


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Re-defining what "Failure" means to me

Friday, May 20, 2011

I realize I have a problem. I over-analyze and fret over the smallest chance of failure. This isn't just regarding my weight loss. This unhealthy habit has bled into my academic life too. I had been so afraid to do even one thing wrong that I start freaking out at the thought of getting even a simple assignment wrong!

Not anymore! I realize that failure is not necessarily failing a class, or gaining back a couple of pounds. Failure is not getting up and trying again. I only fail if I give up completely. I am in a particularly challenging math class (it's actually College algebra, but I have this thing with math and test anxiety) and I have a test on Tuesday. I was so worried about it until I realized something-Even if I do poorly on that ONE test, it's not the final, and I can still fix it. Hell, I have turned in EVERY single assignment in EVERY single class. Even in the worst-case scenario, I fail the class, I can take the class again! I am choosing not to let the fear ruin my life anymore. Failure creates opportunities for learning. Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to just stop doing my homework and say "well, whatever happens happens", but I'm not going to sit here and worry so much that it stops me from enjoying life and everything it has to offer-including the "failures".

Today I re-define what failure is for me. Anything that gets in the way only delays my progress. It does not halt it.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PUFFPASTRY 5/31/2011 2:48AM

    Hey there, I found your blog via BubbleJ1 (whom I adore). I really like your writing, and your honesty, and positivity (which I will admit I myself do NOT always have in decent quantities). Would it be okay if I add you as a friend? No pressure, and especially no pressure to read MY blog, as it's VERY ranty VERY often, and also kinda sad sometimes. emoticon

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POXZILLA 5/22/2011 9:15AM

    Work hard and you'll do fine! I always felt like a failure if I missed a class, and the feeling would compound itself. The only way to make that feeling go away for me was to make sure I was on top of things and working super hard to really understand the class. emoticon

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JRIMM4 5/20/2011 12:29PM

    I'm loving your new definition!


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