Monday, May 30, 2011
I get it. You're religious and you're happy that Jesus gave you the strength to keep going. It's awesome if that is what works for you. The thing is, I'm not religious-at all. I take credit for my success and I take the fall for my failures. The truth is, Jesus isn't doing the exercise for me. God isn't my coach, and I'm not going to continue on pretend that there's a being in another world/dimension/whatever who actually cares about what I am personally doing with my life in this exact moment.
I was raised Catholic ('Well, there's half your problem Hyuk hyuk hyuk" is the response I get from those who believe Catholicism isn't a 'real' or 'heaven-guaranteeing' religion). I was baptized as a baby, and I followed through to my first confession (telling a priest the things you did wrong is pretty daunting for a 3rd grader), on to my first communion, and eventually even to confirmation when I was 17.
I understand that my parents did what they thought was going to be the best for me. The truth is, I hated church. I still hate it. Ever since I can remember, church was MANDATORY in my family. Sure, it was only an hour, but it was the longest, most annoying hour of the week, and I just dreaded Sundays. I had always wondered why I couldn't just pray in my head, or reflect on the actual things that I personally have done or not done. There are so many religions out there. I can't even begin to assume that the religion that my parents' happened to raise me in is the right one. I can't think of anyone in any religion doing so. Sure, I have theories as to how things might work, but it's so deeply personal that I don't feel the need to share it.
Look, I'm not out to offend anyone. I get that there are multiple religions and I still respect those who believe, just understand that I personally don't, and no amount of reading bible passages is going to change that about me. If I should change, it would have to come purely from within myself.
I can do anything I believe I can. I don't need other people telling me what I should or shouldn't do because in the end, they're not the ones living with MY decisions. Another person has no right to assume what's best for anyone else but themselves. Sure, if you have kids, whatever, but I'm not talking about that. No grown adult has the right or the place to tell me what I should believe, or what I should do. No one will ever know me better than me.
Sorry, I just had to rant about this. In the forums, I had a person telling me that I SHOULD believe or I SHOULD do XYZ. Truth is, no one on this website knows me intimately enough to make that judgement, and I will certainly not judge anyone for their religious believes. I just want a mutual understanding from others in return.
Friday, May 20, 2011
I realize I have a problem. I over-analyze and fret over the smallest chance of failure. This isn't just regarding my weight loss. This unhealthy habit has bled into my academic life too. I had been so afraid to do even one thing wrong that I start freaking out at the thought of getting even a simple assignment wrong!
Not anymore! I realize that failure is not necessarily failing a class, or gaining back a couple of pounds. Failure is not getting up and trying again. I only fail if I give up completely. I am in a particularly challenging math class (it's actually College algebra, but I have this thing with math and test anxiety) and I have a test on Tuesday. I was so worried about it until I realized something-Even if I do poorly on that ONE test, it's not the final, and I can still fix it. Hell, I have turned in EVERY single assignment in EVERY single class. Even in the worst-case scenario, I fail the class, I can take the class again! I am choosing not to let the fear ruin my life anymore. Failure creates opportunities for learning. Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to just stop doing my homework and say "well, whatever happens happens", but I'm not going to sit here and worry so much that it stops me from enjoying life and everything it has to offer-including the "failures".
Today I re-define what failure is for me. Anything that gets in the way only delays my progress. It does not halt it.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
I signed up for my summer term classes. Next term was supposed to be my last term, but I decided that taking 16 credits in one term might cause me to crack under all the pressure, so I've decided that I will take a class Fall term at the Community College then start at Western Oregon University in the Winter of 2012. I also signed up for a sculpting kick boxing class so that'll be something new for me too.
On another note, My mom found an awesome pattern for a 'steampunk' style dress for the Anime convention I'm going to in September (Kumoricon). I know it's about four months away, and it seems like a long time, but you gotta start somewhere. I'm also keeping in mind that I might still lose weight before then, so it's possible that adjustments will have to be made.
This is what the costume is going to look like basically. I'm of course going to add my own flare.
As far as my progress is concerned, I'm doing alright. I have been eating a lot healthier in the last week than I had in the past month. I stopped eating fast food, and eating out all together. I don't want to pay extra for questionable food. I've toned down the exercise this week which is probably for the best because my shin ended up hurting on Sunday night. I'm just going to continue taking is easy this week by walking in my jogging class instead of running, and resting Tuesday and Thursday. I'll kick it back up on Monday.
I'm actually looking forward to my second biology field trip. We're going out to the Cascades (which is a 2-hour bus ride according to my teacher x.x) and we get to go around observing nature. On top of that, we're going to be walking about a mile and a half, so there's some light exercise right there.
Overall, I'm feeling pretty darn good.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
My calorie-burn has been so high these last couple of weeks. For the past 4 weeks I've burned at least 4000 calories and this week 6000. I haven't necessarily been doing it on purpose, but it's just a result of me doing the activities that I want to do. I came across yet another picture of myself. This one is a little more revealing than the one I had posted in a prior journal entry.
I had been increasingly frustrated by the fact that my weight loss has been slow. I've only lost about 5 pounds since the end of March, but when I saw that picture, my frustration disappeared. I am so happy that while it's slow, it's still a loss and not a gain. I don't ever want to be this woman in the photo-EVER AGAIN. I exercise now. I eat healthy now, and I am in it for the long run. I understand that this will take time. I'm not going to lose it all in a couple of months, but more realistically, a couple of YEARS. In turn, if I did try to lose it all quickly, I'd just end up with loose skin.
I love the fact that I have been able to drop 4 pant sizes, and I am feeling better about myself every day. Even if I didn't do anything different and continued this slow loss, I'd end up with the healthy habits I've picked up, and at the very least, possibly down 30 pounds assuming the loss remained this slow. It's a win-win in my opinion, and I'm not going to try to twist that into something negative.
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