Monday, June 06, 2011
a fat girl.
I understand that I've lost about 74 pounds. I guess I'm just disappointed that even after losing that much weight, I still have about 91 pounds to go. I should have never let it get that far in the first place. Essentially I'll have lost exactly half of myself when I get down to my goal weight. HALF OF ME! I know regretting things isn't the most productive behavior, but lately I can't help it. I'm not saying that I want to give up. I guess I just feel like the process, while trustworthy, is still extremely slow. I guess in reality, it's only been 5 full months. Even in that time, I've lost exactly 50 pounds. Ten pounds a month isn't that bad at all. I am definitely not done losing weight. I am far more successful now than I have been in the past. I have never really lost more than 35 or so pounds in one "go" before losing steam. I guess sometimes I need to throw my tantrum and keep moving.
I just have this terrible feeling in the back of my head that I'm going to lose steam. I always seem to in the summertime. I use the fact that it's too hot to exercise. I have to really focus. I DO NOT want to give this up! I've earned what I have and I'm damn proud of myself. I've proven to myself that deep within my heart, I WANT this! I also just realized that I am going to be taking an exercise class during the summer term too so I guess in a way I thought of that in advance.
Okay wow. That was pretty much a glimpse into how my thoughts process. By the way, It's a huge turn around from my self-defeating thoughts of the past. I used to be really negative and I never really acknowledged that. I saw the worst in everything. I thought everyone was out to get me. I had major trust issues. Now that I've started working through these issues and losing the weight, I've been doing so much better.
Okay. I've talked myself back into a positive state of mind. Yay for journaling.
Thursday, June 02, 2011
This is my last week of classes before finals. I'm doing well in all of my classes, but the last math exam I took, I bombed. The majority of the class was equally terrible, so I don't feel bad. I have an opportunity to retake it by next wednesday, so you bet I'm going to do it! It's going to be the same test, all I have to do is correct my mistakes, and write a page of notes to use for the test-wow that sounds a LOT easier now that I've written it down! I have turned in every assignment except 2, which I will turn in tomorrow. I have only skipped 2 classes this whole term-it's a 5-day a week class, so that's pretty darn good if you ask me.
I'm still nervous about the final. I'm more nervous about it than any of my other finals.
I was starting to feel like I should give up and just re-take the course another term. I had even signed up for the same math class for next term just in case.
I am changing my mentality now. I can work my butt off to save this. It's not lost yet! I can still do it. I just have to work at it and study! If I still fail the class after all it, then I can at least say I tried my hardest. I ended up un-enrolling from the 'back up' math class. I don't want that to be a crutch.
These kinds of set backs are like weight-loss set backs. Failing the math class wouldn't automatically mean my chance to finish at the community college is over. It would simply mean that I'd have to try again. I am not going to despair. I am not going to throw myself into a panic attack over this. I am not going to tell myself that it's over because in reality-it's not! I can still pass this class with a C. The only bad grade was that exam. I've turned in everything, and I plan on turning in the last two assignments. I can do this I can do this I CAN DO THIS!
I cannot let the negative feelings consume me.
Yesterday I did my final presentation for biology. I had gone with a group to volunteer at Bald Hill in Corvallis to replace a damaged culvert in a trail. There was a cameraman who was taking pictures, and we decided to use them in our presentation. When I first saw the picture, I thought I saw myself among the group, but there was something off about it. I scanned the photo again, and realized-HOLY CRAP THAT IS ME! I looked normal! I was expecting to see the fat girl that I had identified so many times as me, but she wasn't there. In her place was a normal looking person! I was so happy I seriously wanted to cry. In spite of this weight loss, I often still see myself as the 330 pound woman I once was. I have to keep reminding myself that I've actually lost 73 pounds, and each pound is a step farther away from that nasty number.
There was a fellow classmate who was writing a paper on obesity for another class, and I offered to read it and do some peer-editing (writing happens to be something I know that I'm good at ). When I was done reading it, he said that he had to make it longer but didn't know where to expand. I offered up some points he could talk about, and I explained that I knew them so well because of where I've been. I ended up showing him the photo that I keep in my cell phone as proof. The look I received said it all.
I am not afraid to show people who I once was because the fat girl in the photo is so far away from who I am now.
Monday, May 30, 2011
I get it. You're religious and you're happy that Jesus gave you the strength to keep going. It's awesome if that is what works for you. The thing is, I'm not religious-at all. I take credit for my success and I take the fall for my failures. The truth is, Jesus isn't doing the exercise for me. God isn't my coach, and I'm not going to continue on pretend that there's a being in another world/dimension/whatever who actually cares about what I am personally doing with my life in this exact moment.
I was raised Catholic ('Well, there's half your problem Hyuk hyuk hyuk" is the response I get from those who believe Catholicism isn't a 'real' or 'heaven-guaranteeing' religion). I was baptized as a baby, and I followed through to my first confession (telling a priest the things you did wrong is pretty daunting for a 3rd grader), on to my first communion, and eventually even to confirmation when I was 17.
I understand that my parents did what they thought was going to be the best for me. The truth is, I hated church. I still hate it. Ever since I can remember, church was MANDATORY in my family. Sure, it was only an hour, but it was the longest, most annoying hour of the week, and I just dreaded Sundays. I had always wondered why I couldn't just pray in my head, or reflect on the actual things that I personally have done or not done. There are so many religions out there. I can't even begin to assume that the religion that my parents' happened to raise me in is the right one. I can't think of anyone in any religion doing so. Sure, I have theories as to how things might work, but it's so deeply personal that I don't feel the need to share it.
Look, I'm not out to offend anyone. I get that there are multiple religions and I still respect those who believe, just understand that I personally don't, and no amount of reading bible passages is going to change that about me. If I should change, it would have to come purely from within myself.
I can do anything I believe I can. I don't need other people telling me what I should or shouldn't do because in the end, they're not the ones living with MY decisions. Another person has no right to assume what's best for anyone else but themselves. Sure, if you have kids, whatever, but I'm not talking about that. No grown adult has the right or the place to tell me what I should believe, or what I should do. No one will ever know me better than me.
Sorry, I just had to rant about this. In the forums, I had a person telling me that I SHOULD believe or I SHOULD do XYZ. Truth is, no one on this website knows me intimately enough to make that judgement, and I will certainly not judge anyone for their religious believes. I just want a mutual understanding from others in return.
Friday, May 20, 2011
I realize I have a problem. I over-analyze and fret over the smallest chance of failure. This isn't just regarding my weight loss. This unhealthy habit has bled into my academic life too. I had been so afraid to do even one thing wrong that I start freaking out at the thought of getting even a simple assignment wrong!
Not anymore! I realize that failure is not necessarily failing a class, or gaining back a couple of pounds. Failure is not getting up and trying again. I only fail if I give up completely. I am in a particularly challenging math class (it's actually College algebra, but I have this thing with math and test anxiety) and I have a test on Tuesday. I was so worried about it until I realized something-Even if I do poorly on that ONE test, it's not the final, and I can still fix it. Hell, I have turned in EVERY single assignment in EVERY single class. Even in the worst-case scenario, I fail the class, I can take the class again! I am choosing not to let the fear ruin my life anymore. Failure creates opportunities for learning. Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to just stop doing my homework and say "well, whatever happens happens", but I'm not going to sit here and worry so much that it stops me from enjoying life and everything it has to offer-including the "failures".
Today I re-define what failure is for me. Anything that gets in the way only delays my progress. It does not halt it.
Get An Email Alert Each Time STARDUST2K4 Posts