Sunday, February 20, 2011
Today, I am the lowest weight I have been in at least the last 3 years. I am down to 280 pounds. Again. It was my lowest weight last year on my birthday in August, and only lasted about a week. Any progress I make from this point out is completely new as of the last 3.5 years. I am excited for what is to come. It is also a big deal because from my original weight of 330 pounds, I have removed 50 of them. I am definitely not going to stop now. It's only February, and I've gotten this far. I know that it isn't always going to be so smooth. I just have to remain positive about my progress.
I went to this new community center that was built in 2009, and next to me where two middle school-aged girls, maybe freshmen in high school. They were totally trash talking one of their classmates and they were saying that she looked like an ape, and that she was only worth being friends with because ... some reason, not sure, and how she looked no different than a shaved monkey with makeup on. I was honestly stunned. Anyway, later on, I happened to encounter them again at another machine. I started doing some leg lifts, and then one of them started laughing. When the other girl asked what was so funny, she looked over at me, paused and said "oh...uh..nothing, I'll tell you later"
At that point I was PISSED. There was NO one else around, and they had made it REALLY obvious that it was about me. Guess the lesson of "Tact" will be learned the hard way.
Why do I bring this up? Because these girls really got to me. When I saw these young girls snickering and laughing at me, and hearing the way they trash talked that other girl, I see every bully that ever pushed me around. Every bully who would physically touch and pick at my hair and clothes while my sister and friend were powerless to stop them. I remember feeling helpless because the bus driver didn't do anything but yell at ME to sit down while kids were keeping me from sitting next to them.
Boys were supposed to be icky. Girls were just ruthless. I think seventh grade was the worst year for me. I just can't help but think "What made me so easy? What put the target on my back?" I wasn't even overweight then. I was normal. I didn't start gaining until that following year...I guess I'll never know. I don't think that information is necessary for me to continue with my success.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
I am struggling not with how many calories I'm eating each day, but the KIND of calories I'm eating each day. Sure, I have almost completely cut sweets out of my diet, but I don't know how to cook, and I am tired of run of the mill chicken and rice dinners. I just want to do something different. I bought a vegetarian 1 portion microwaveable Lasagna and I'll try that with some salad, but in all honesty, I've been eating fast food. When I do eat it, I make sure that I am not going to be going over my calories, but I'm starting to realize that those calories are inferior to healthier options. Another thing that's been bugging me is I am having trouble staying motivated to exercise. I weighed myself and the scale went back up. I understand that weight fluctuates, but looking at a 4 pound 'gain' isn't very encouraging. Even if it is temporary due to water weight or whatever have you. I feel like I'm back at that plateau. I thought I busted through this. I guess it's times like these when one needs to focus on the positives:
*I've lost more weight than expected so far this year
*I had to buy smaller undies
*When I started the year, I couldn't even wear my size 22 pants, and now I can, and they're actually LOOSE
*I don't feel controlled by food anymore (I just sort of 'woke up' from it one day and now I don't really crave sweets that much)
*I have support of friends and family (for the most part)
*I am setting an example for others by my progress
I guess that's all I can think of...I just feel like I'm at a critical moment in my journey. I have this feeling of "eat it" in the sense that I want to be mad at something but I can't. There's no one to blame. Heck, there's not even a reason to be mad. I want to be mad. I want to start a fight, but there's no reason to. I'm at a loss. At this point, I can choose to keep going in spite of all these negative feelings, or I can give up and go back to being that sad 330 pound woman. I already know that I am not giving up, but I also feel that with that realization comes this feeling of defeat in some small way. I guess I don't really know how to describe it. I'm just pissed. Pissed that I even allowed myself to get to this point. Pissed that I couldn't tackle this sooner, and pissed because I feel like even though I've lost 20 plus pounds, I don't see the physical difference that others do.
Maybe my mood has gone to pot because I haven't exercised. I've gotten used to it, and when it started raining, my motivation went down the tubes. It's sunny now...The question is, do I want to deal with the workout now, or later?
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
And it was delicious! I made sure and bought some decent candy, not just some cheap palmers. I've found that I REALLY love Russell Stovers. I had promised myself that on Valentine's day, I would allow myself to eat the tiny little 4 piece 280 calorie box. That was the first time I had actually had chocolate candy since the new year. I already promised myself on Easter, I will allow myself a chocolate Cadburry egg.
Anywho, enough about candy. I am down to 281 pounds. Once I hit 280, I'll be where I was at my lowest weight last year-in August. I am really excited because it's only half way through February. I've decided to tackle this weight thing THIS year. Nothing is going to stop me. My goal is to be at 200 by the end of the year. If I lose more weight than that, I'll be okay too :)
I am really quite excited because I have more support for those around me. It's not that they didn't support me before, I just didn't lay down my expectations of them. On Sunday, I will be going to Cottage Grove with my family to visit my aunt, uncles, and grandparents. I haven't seen them since late December.
I guess that's really all I had to talk about. I busted through my plateau, and that makes me happy. I will most definitely keep going on this awesome journey. I am filled with the confidence that I can do it, and this WILL be the year I do this.
Monday, February 07, 2011
In trying to think of something fun do, the first things that come to mind are things that can be linked to food. Sure, not all of the activities directly involve food such as bowling, going to a game, or mini golfing, but if you think a little more about it, you realize that these place do advertise and sell food. Not only that, but how many times have you ever heard: "Hey you guys, do you want to meet up at (X) cafe?" or "Hey, do you wanna go to the bar?" What about "Let's do lunch!" ? All of these things pertain to food! Why is it that anything regarding "fun" or socializing has to involve food? Why can't we just BOWL at a bowling alley..or watch a game at the stadium?
I understand eating small meals a day and whatnot; I understand the concept of a snack. These places don't usually facilitate very healthy choices. Even if they did, calorie counts are not always available. I guess the point I'm getting at is I'm frustrated because when I do go places, I can't get the nutrition information. We talk about the power of 'free will'. We talk about how we have absolute control. While I do believe that at the end of the day, we do make our own choices, I can't help but think about how many advertisements subtly affected my decisions that day. I want to write more on this later, but I'm going to meet up with a high school friend at the park.
By the way, we're actually just going to walk :D
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