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50 pounds

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Today, I am the lowest weight I have been in at least the last 3 years. I am down to 280 pounds. Again. It was my lowest weight last year on my birthday in August, and only lasted about a week. Any progress I make from this point out is completely new as of the last 3.5 years. I am excited for what is to come. It is also a big deal because from my original weight of 330 pounds, I have removed 50 of them. I am definitely not going to stop now. It's only February, and I've gotten this far. I know that it isn't always going to be so smooth. I just have to remain positive about my progress.

I went to this new community center that was built in 2009, and next to me where two middle school-aged girls, maybe freshmen in high school. They were totally trash talking one of their classmates and they were saying that she looked like an ape, and that she was only worth being friends with because ... some reason, not sure, and how she looked no different than a shaved monkey with makeup on. I was honestly stunned. Anyway, later on, I happened to encounter them again at another machine. I started doing some leg lifts, and then one of them started laughing. When the other girl asked what was so funny, she looked over at me, paused and said "oh...uh..nothing, I'll tell you later"
At that point I was PISSED. There was NO one else around, and they had made it REALLY obvious that it was about me. Guess the lesson of "Tact" will be learned the hard way.
Why do I bring this up? Because these girls really got to me. When I saw these young girls snickering and laughing at me, and hearing the way they trash talked that other girl, I see every bully that ever pushed me around. Every bully who would physically touch and pick at my hair and clothes while my sister and friend were powerless to stop them. I remember feeling helpless because the bus driver didn't do anything but yell at ME to sit down while kids were keeping me from sitting next to them.
Boys were supposed to be icky. Girls were just ruthless. I think seventh grade was the worst year for me. I just can't help but think "What made me so easy? What put the target on my back?" I wasn't even overweight then. I was normal. I didn't start gaining until that following year...I guess I'll never know. I don't think that information is necessary for me to continue with my success.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CELEST 2/21/2011 5:08AM

    What a pity there are such mean spirited people out there...I wonder what they lack inside themselves to verbally attack others. Well, what goes round comes round.
My sister when she hears people using bad language, gossiping etc generally turns around and in a stage whisper asks if they say their prayers or kiss their husbands/kids (depending on their age etc) with that same mouth then proceeds to shudder indication how disgusting that must be.

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SPMOM2 2/21/2011 3:22AM

    You are doing great. congrats on the weight loss.

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JOHNHANCOCK 2/21/2011 1:24AM

  Congrats on the milestone of being the lightest you've been in years. I too am at my lightest in years, but I still don't feel as good as a I should, especially when I cheat or go off diet for a day and gain 6lbs of water weight from the sodium in junk food. I don't think I'm going to be satisfied until I look "in shape" and have a 32" waist.

On another note, try to forget the mean people and their snide/negative stares or comments. Or step up and call them out. I felt SO self conscious every workout when I first started in late 2009. I would dread going half the time. I take caffeine pre-workout to put me in the zone, and I think it really helped me just not care about other people. I don't know when exactly it changed, but I don't care at all about other people at the gym now. I'm kind of addicted to it, I usually go six nights a week. It's almost therapeutic.

Well I can't say I don't get intimidated at all, groups of attractive girls/women can throw off my workout. Especially when they're bantering/giggling. And there's two total meat-heads that are literally pumped full of steroids that show up once in a while, that grunt/yell almost every set and slam the weights...that's annoying. Most gym goers stay clear of them, as I did at first. Now I go right by them and do my sets. They usually tone it down and stop being douches when someone "intrudes" on their space. They kind of stare/glance occasionally, but never open their mouths. There's a lot of other strange people there that make you go, WTF? But I'm sure most gyms are like that. Maybe I'm a strange

Though I'm still not a fan of morning workouts (or 4-6:30pm) when it's literally packed and you're waiting for machines/benches, especially because the main cardio section is upstairs and overlooks the entire gym floor. Sure, they have some older/boxy 32" TV's hanging for people to watch, but it's almost impossible not to stare/glance/people watch the floor where people are working out. This is Platinum Fitness BTW (previously known as Golds).

I toured the Kroc center before I joined Golds/Platinum. I immediately disliked the cramped little workout area so there was no way I was joining. Then the kids crapping in the pool many times a week causing them to close it, what a joke. Along with the kids using the workout area. AnyTime Fitness looks small, but okay. I've thought about joining there just for the "anytime" aspect of it.

Anyhow, stick with it and don't let the negative vibes throw you off. emoticon

Comment edited on: 2/21/2011 1:37:08 AM

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PRETTYBLUE85 2/20/2011 7:12PM

    I understand how you feel. I have always been heavy-set and that's why I was always picked on. I like to think that people degrade others because they themselves know they have flaws and have to point it out other peoples' flaws in order to feel good about themselves. The other reason I think people picked on me is because I didn't fight back. My experience started turning around in junior high and high school. I learned how to fight back and be just as mean. I know, I sunk to their level, but a person can only take so much. After my entire elementary experience of being picked on, I was done. Once I started fighting back, I got left alone. Of course, there were a few people who wouldn't let sleeping dogs lie, but in the end they got what they deserve.

Don't let those two girls get the best of you. Easier said than done, I know. Believe me, I know. The only thing you can do now, is continue on your journey. Use that as ammunition to get to your goal. That's what I do sometimes. When I'm not motivated to go to the gym, I will sit there and think of all the reasons I should go. The usuals pop into my head, but what really motivates me to go is the torture and torment I went through growing up. Also, I have been turned down by employers because of my appearance. They never say that, but you find out they hire someone with less experience, less qualified, but they're skinny and pretty. Let's think.

Congratulations on all your weight loss success! You are doing a fabulous job and I'm happy to hear you are at your lowest weight in years. I need to get down to 200 before I can say that.

Sorry, really long response. I'll shut up now. I hope you have a better day.


Comment edited on: 2/20/2011 7:16:22 PM

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PLATEAU11 2/20/2011 6:50PM

  Keep your focus!

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The Right Kind Of Calories

Thursday, February 17, 2011

I am struggling not with how many calories I'm eating each day, but the KIND of calories I'm eating each day. Sure, I have almost completely cut sweets out of my diet, but I don't know how to cook, and I am tired of run of the mill chicken and rice dinners. I just want to do something different. I bought a vegetarian 1 portion microwaveable Lasagna and I'll try that with some salad, but in all honesty, I've been eating fast food. When I do eat it, I make sure that I am not going to be going over my calories, but I'm starting to realize that those calories are inferior to healthier options. Another thing that's been bugging me is I am having trouble staying motivated to exercise. I weighed myself and the scale went back up. I understand that weight fluctuates, but looking at a 4 pound 'gain' isn't very encouraging. Even if it is temporary due to water weight or whatever have you. I feel like I'm back at that plateau. I thought I busted through this. I guess it's times like these when one needs to focus on the positives:

*I've lost more weight than expected so far this year
*I had to buy smaller undies
*When I started the year, I couldn't even wear my size 22 pants, and now I can, and they're actually LOOSE
*I don't feel controlled by food anymore (I just sort of 'woke up' from it one day and now I don't really crave sweets that much)
*I have support of friends and family (for the most part)
*I am setting an example for others by my progress

I guess that's all I can think of...I just feel like I'm at a critical moment in my journey. I have this feeling of "eat it" in the sense that I want to be mad at something but I can't. There's no one to blame. Heck, there's not even a reason to be mad. I want to be mad. I want to start a fight, but there's no reason to. I'm at a loss. At this point, I can choose to keep going in spite of all these negative feelings, or I can give up and go back to being that sad 330 pound woman. I already know that I am not giving up, but I also feel that with that realization comes this feeling of defeat in some small way. I guess I don't really know how to describe it. I'm just pissed. Pissed that I even allowed myself to get to this point. Pissed that I couldn't tackle this sooner, and pissed because I feel like even though I've lost 20 plus pounds, I don't see the physical difference that others do.
Maybe my mood has gone to pot because I haven't exercised. I've gotten used to it, and when it started raining, my motivation went down the tubes. It's sunny now...The question is, do I want to deal with the workout now, or later?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JOHNHANCOCK 2/17/2011 8:52PM

  Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

You need to start looking at food for what it is, energy. Not for what tickles your taste buds (salt/sugar) and makes your brain feel good (dopamine) for the 10 minutes it takes to eat a ridiculously processed fast food meal.

Look at this Taco Bell "meat" that disgusting or what?!57424
And every other fast food chain is selling similar crap. Stuff that's so low quality you won't even find it on supermarket shelves. Stuff that would taste AWFUL if they didn't load it with salt and "flavor".

Maybe you need to cut calories a little lower? If you hit a plateau, you need to cut calories or increase cardio another 30 minutes. 2,000 seems like quite a bit for a woman, especially if you're not working out everyday. I've read that a good number of calories to consume while dieting is to multiply your "ideal" body-weight (for your height) by 11. Here's a chart:

Here's a good primer on caloric and nutrient (protein/fat/carbs) needs.

Comment edited on: 2/17/2011 8:56:10 PM

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FOREVERFAYE 2/17/2011 1:13PM

    Keep pushing through!!! Look on the bright side, at least you know the root of your problems. How do you feel about frozen foods? I'm a grad student so I usually buy some because I'm rarely home enough to cook. There's a lot of healthy and tasty options out there. As for some easy to make foods at home, chili's pretty easy to make (ground beef, red beans, spice packets) and you can add as much vegetables as you want it.

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Had some chocolate yesterday

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

And it was delicious! I made sure and bought some decent candy, not just some cheap palmers. I've found that I REALLY love Russell Stovers. I had promised myself that on Valentine's day, I would allow myself to eat the tiny little 4 piece 280 calorie box. That was the first time I had actually had chocolate candy since the new year. I already promised myself on Easter, I will allow myself a chocolate Cadburry egg.
Anywho, enough about candy. I am down to 281 pounds. Once I hit 280, I'll be where I was at my lowest weight last year-in August. I am really excited because it's only half way through February. I've decided to tackle this weight thing THIS year. Nothing is going to stop me. My goal is to be at 200 by the end of the year. If I lose more weight than that, I'll be okay too :)
I am really quite excited because I have more support for those around me. It's not that they didn't support me before, I just didn't lay down my expectations of them. On Sunday, I will be going to Cottage Grove with my family to visit my aunt, uncles, and grandparents. I haven't seen them since late December.
I guess that's really all I had to talk about. I busted through my plateau, and that makes me happy. I will most definitely keep going on this awesome journey. I am filled with the confidence that I can do it, and this WILL be the year I do this.

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CELEST 2/15/2011 4:39PM

    emoticon emoticon

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Day of Rest

Friday, February 11, 2011

I had to force myself to take a break today from the exercise. I have been working out pretty hard the last couple days and my muscles are really sore. I know that if I keep going too strong, my muscles won't heal and have a chance to develop. On a REALLY good note, I had to buy a smaller sized work out sweater and undies! This is such a big deal for me! I'm seriously really proud of myself and while the scale hasn't really moved too much lately, I can feel the difference. I plan on hitting it hard tomorrow by going for a jog. I know I can do this.
I started taking fish oil and vitamin D supplements. I want to see if that will help my depression in combination with exercise. I'll probably know in a couple weeks if it's really working. I am also asking my fiancée' to make note of any changes he sees.
Since I've been doing so well, I decided to splurge and buy some Sally Hansen Nail Appliques. They're super easy to use, and really cute! I have to think of new ways to reward myself, and I feel that this was appropriate :D

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CELEST 2/13/2011 2:49PM

    Oh I love the nails. My dil is daisy crazy, I must stop and see if our stores keep that range...gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous.

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JOHNHANCOCK 2/11/2011 11:40PM

  Do you have a gym membership? I know for myself and other heavier people that low impact cardio (elliptical/ARC/stair climber/bike) is much better on the joints than straight jogging and allows for good daily workouts without sore joints.

I was actually on an anti-depressant (Effexor) when I started working out back in late 09. The daily workouts made me feel great so I stopped taking them. I do take a high dose (7.2grams a day EPA/DHA) of Omega 3 fish oil. Just remember to look at the amount of EPA/DHA per capsule. You're not going to get any real benefits from popping one or two capsules, it takes a LOT. I'm currently taking 24 capsules a day (Costco brand, 300mg EPA/DHA each). And they're 10 calories each, so you have to factor that into your daily calories. There are some higher quality brands out there (Carlsons, Nordic Naturals) that pack more EPA/DHA per capsule but they do cost a good deal more per gram of EPA/DHA.

I also take a D3 supplement. Your best bet is to take it with magnesium and calcium for best absorption. If not, take it with a serving of calcium rich dairy (low-fat cottage, a good greek or natural yogurt).

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ISLANDBETH 2/11/2011 9:45PM

    OK, those are adorable! I want to do that! :) Are you taking any B vitamins? Taking a good solid B complex (one that has all of them) is really good for regulating mood and depression. And exercise is fantastic.

Even the intense training programs say to take a day off every week, so good for you for listening to your body!

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Food Equals ...FUN?!

Monday, February 07, 2011

In trying to think of something fun do, the first things that come to mind are things that can be linked to food. Sure, not all of the activities directly involve food such as bowling, going to a game, or mini golfing, but if you think a little more about it, you realize that these place do advertise and sell food. Not only that, but how many times have you ever heard: "Hey you guys, do you want to meet up at (X) cafe?" or "Hey, do you wanna go to the bar?" What about "Let's do lunch!" ? All of these things pertain to food! Why is it that anything regarding "fun" or socializing has to involve food? Why can't we just BOWL at a bowling alley..or watch a game at the stadium?
I understand eating small meals a day and whatnot; I understand the concept of a snack. These places don't usually facilitate very healthy choices. Even if they did, calorie counts are not always available. I guess the point I'm getting at is I'm frustrated because when I do go places, I can't get the nutrition information. We talk about the power of 'free will'. We talk about how we have absolute control. While I do believe that at the end of the day, we do make our own choices, I can't help but think about how many advertisements subtly affected my decisions that day. I want to write more on this later, but I'm going to meet up with a high school friend at the park.
By the way, we're actually just going to walk :D

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CELEST 2/9/2011 8:32AM

    You are right about that. Dr Phil says "the system is out to get you with its supersize this and extra that" and even as you say, just socialising always seems to be about food.
My friends and I are coffee shoppers...but we rarely take more money than what covers the actual coffee, a tip for the waitress and a little something for the car watch person. If you dont have it, you cant spend it no matter how much they advertise it.

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PAULKNUTH 2/7/2011 8:06PM

    I have so much money not eating out or going places with food since joining SparksPeople.

I know what you mean - it is a sad reflection on our culture.

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JACRBUNCH 2/7/2011 7:54PM

    I never made that connection before. You are right.

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