Thursday, February 17, 2011
I am struggling not with how many calories I'm eating each day, but the KIND of calories I'm eating each day. Sure, I have almost completely cut sweets out of my diet, but I don't know how to cook, and I am tired of run of the mill chicken and rice dinners. I just want to do something different. I bought a vegetarian 1 portion microwaveable Lasagna and I'll try that with some salad, but in all honesty, I've been eating fast food. When I do eat it, I make sure that I am not going to be going over my calories, but I'm starting to realize that those calories are inferior to healthier options. Another thing that's been bugging me is I am having trouble staying motivated to exercise. I weighed myself and the scale went back up. I understand that weight fluctuates, but looking at a 4 pound 'gain' isn't very encouraging. Even if it is temporary due to water weight or whatever have you. I feel like I'm back at that plateau. I thought I busted through this. I guess it's times like these when one needs to focus on the positives:
*I've lost more weight than expected so far this year
*I had to buy smaller undies
*When I started the year, I couldn't even wear my size 22 pants, and now I can, and they're actually LOOSE
*I don't feel controlled by food anymore (I just sort of 'woke up' from it one day and now I don't really crave sweets that much)
*I have support of friends and family (for the most part)
*I am setting an example for others by my progress
I guess that's all I can think of...I just feel like I'm at a critical moment in my journey. I have this feeling of "eat it" in the sense that I want to be mad at something but I can't. There's no one to blame. Heck, there's not even a reason to be mad. I want to be mad. I want to start a fight, but there's no reason to. I'm at a loss. At this point, I can choose to keep going in spite of all these negative feelings, or I can give up and go back to being that sad 330 pound woman. I already know that I am not giving up, but I also feel that with that realization comes this feeling of defeat in some small way. I guess I don't really know how to describe it. I'm just pissed. Pissed that I even allowed myself to get to this point. Pissed that I couldn't tackle this sooner, and pissed because I feel like even though I've lost 20 plus pounds, I don't see the physical difference that others do.
Maybe my mood has gone to pot because I haven't exercised. I've gotten used to it, and when it started raining, my motivation went down the tubes. It's sunny now...The question is, do I want to deal with the workout now, or later?
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
And it was delicious! I made sure and bought some decent candy, not just some cheap palmers. I've found that I REALLY love Russell Stovers. I had promised myself that on Valentine's day, I would allow myself to eat the tiny little 4 piece 280 calorie box. That was the first time I had actually had chocolate candy since the new year. I already promised myself on Easter, I will allow myself a chocolate Cadburry egg.
Anywho, enough about candy. I am down to 281 pounds. Once I hit 280, I'll be where I was at my lowest weight last year-in August. I am really excited because it's only half way through February. I've decided to tackle this weight thing THIS year. Nothing is going to stop me. My goal is to be at 200 by the end of the year. If I lose more weight than that, I'll be okay too :)
I am really quite excited because I have more support for those around me. It's not that they didn't support me before, I just didn't lay down my expectations of them. On Sunday, I will be going to Cottage Grove with my family to visit my aunt, uncles, and grandparents. I haven't seen them since late December.
I guess that's really all I had to talk about. I busted through my plateau, and that makes me happy. I will most definitely keep going on this awesome journey. I am filled with the confidence that I can do it, and this WILL be the year I do this.
Monday, February 07, 2011
In trying to think of something fun do, the first things that come to mind are things that can be linked to food. Sure, not all of the activities directly involve food such as bowling, going to a game, or mini golfing, but if you think a little more about it, you realize that these place do advertise and sell food. Not only that, but how many times have you ever heard: "Hey you guys, do you want to meet up at (X) cafe?" or "Hey, do you wanna go to the bar?" What about "Let's do lunch!" ? All of these things pertain to food! Why is it that anything regarding "fun" or socializing has to involve food? Why can't we just BOWL at a bowling alley..or watch a game at the stadium?
I understand eating small meals a day and whatnot; I understand the concept of a snack. These places don't usually facilitate very healthy choices. Even if they did, calorie counts are not always available. I guess the point I'm getting at is I'm frustrated because when I do go places, I can't get the nutrition information. We talk about the power of 'free will'. We talk about how we have absolute control. While I do believe that at the end of the day, we do make our own choices, I can't help but think about how many advertisements subtly affected my decisions that day. I want to write more on this later, but I'm going to meet up with a high school friend at the park.
By the way, we're actually just going to walk :D
Sunday, February 06, 2011
I have come to a point where I'm not satisfied with a workout of less than an hour. I have lost a total of 23 pounds since the beginning of the year for a total loss of 46 pounds from my original 330 pound weight. It has taken a lot of effort to catch up to where I was last year in July. I feel that the difference is the emotional standing that I had with food. I have had some ice cream here and there, but eating sweets is not an obsession for me anymore. It honestly feels like...the switch has been turned off or something. The urge is simply not there. I feel good about where I am, and where I'm going. I can see that my legs are getting smaller. The fat on my legs has gotten softer, which I've read is what happens before the fat 'goes away'. Who knows. Either way, I feel good.
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