Monday, December 06, 2010
I found out that I will in fact be getting enough financial aid to survive without having to work. This means that I can finally quit my job, and take time for ME. I've been putting myself on hold for so long, that I was existing and not living. yeah, the job I have now pays well, and sure they're fairly accommodating, but overall, I'm stressin' just thinking about it right now. I don't want to work there anymore. I'm not satisfied working there anymore.
I don't take pleasure and in fact, I down right do not agree with what the company does. I cannot say 'shame on you' to large companies while still working within one. I feel that it is in my best interest that I do not continue my employment.
I am going to put my two weeks notice in next Monday. I am tired of working a job where I'm sitting on my butt and straining my eyes talking to rude-ass people who know nothing about me while making assumptions.
I can survive on financial aid while I look for another job, I just can't emotionally handle it anymore. I am going to work part time somewhere. I am excited for myself to finally close that chapter of my life. I feel this great sense of relief. I don't even know how to describe it.
I just felt that deep down in my heart, this is not the path for me. I want to find where I truly fit in within society, and by continuing to work there, I'll remain complacent and that's not what i want. That's how you get in a rut. I know I'm better than all this. I know I can do whatever I want. It may SEEM like a big mistake, but I can't help that this is the door shutting so that a window may be opened.
Sunday, December 05, 2010
Alright. I officially passed day 3. I did go over, though only slightly. I could have stood not to eat a second serving of chips, but you know what? Once again, by comparison, it's a lot better.
I feel that as long as I track everything I eat, I'll remain focused. I realize that once I stop tracking food, it's down hill from there.
I am really happy because lately I've been paying more attention to my appearance. I wear makeup more and worry about how my hair looks. I'm not going crazy here, but I am realizing how cute I actually do look when I put effort into it.
I am seriously facing a tough dilemma. At work, they're willing to TRY to work on my schedule to accommodate me for school. At the same time, if I get enough financial aid, I'd like to quit and focus solely on my education. I will have been at my job for 3 years on Jan 13. While that's an awesome milestone for me. I do want to take time for myself. Another thing to note is that for not 'having an education', that job pays well over minimum wage.
I'm trying to weigh out my options. My job is stressful, and requires me to sit at a desk all day. I morally oppose what the company is doing, and now that we've gone through a HUGE merger, I feel like we're trying to sell things that our customers may not necessarily need.
On the other side of things, I'm really good at my job. I'm great with customer's and I actually ENJOY it sometimes because it's not face to face customer service.
So what am I supposed to do? Work a job that makes me slightly uncomfortable so I can survive and compromise my school-which I have been doing for the last 6 years, or do I quit and find a part time job to help supplement my financial aid?
I guess it doesn't seem like a big deal, but I literally switch my position on things on a daily basis. I wanted to join a gym, but with going to school, there wouldn't be enough time to go while the place is open. If I were ONLY going to school, then I might not have the money to join the gym.
I guess right now I have to play it by ear and see exactly how MUCH financial aid I'm awarded, but in all honesty, I want to do something for myself. If I can make it work financially, I'd LOVE to quit my job and get a part time job somewhere where I can be on my feet as opposed to a desk all day.
Saturday, December 04, 2010
I'm quite proud of myself. Yesterday, I did go over my calorie goal by about 200 calories. I'm still satisfied with my choices because by comparison to my old habits, I chose the healthier option. For example, we did go to wendy's last night for dinner, but I had the half size salad with a Jr. Bacon cheeseburger. As much as I wanted to eat a huge burger and fries with a soda, I didn't. A couple days before, I had gone to Denny's and ordered a veggie burger with no cheese and a side of fruit. I can still have what I want. There's nothing wrong with a modified low calorie version of what I normally eat. This is going to be the key to my success.
I have noticed that the attitude out there this time of year really is "oh, when the new year arrives, I'll start."
I really don't understand that philosophy, and looking back, it was silly of me to think that way in the past. In my opinion, that attitude just gives way to excuse it further and further thus postponing success. I don't want to give myself an excuse to add five pounds to my burden before the end of the year that I'm just going to "lose anyway". That's extra pounds that I don't need. Hell, it's hard enough to just lose ONE pound. In these last three days I feel like I have SO much more control. I'm not a slave to what I had previously perceived as hunger. I can say I don't want to eat out and that I don't in fact want additional food when I'm not hungry simply because it tastes good.
I haven't really incorporated any exercise yet (except that walk in the mall I did on Wednesday). Right now, I'm just happy that I can do the food thing. Of course exercise will be incorporated to my daily routine.
I had taken a tour of the YMCA downtown on Wednesday. It was awesome. I REALLY want to join, but I don't know how much time I'll actually have to go with full time work and school which are going to be odd hours next term. I specifically want to join a gym with a swimming pool. That seems to be my big thing when it comes to exercise. I suppose in reality, I don't NEED the gym, but it makes things fun if I need variety.
My goal within these next couple weeks is to break below 280. I'm around 295 right now, and I've been hovering in the 290's for quite some time. It seems when I hit 'the lowest weight I've been in a while' a part of me feels that because I've lost so much weight, I can kinda relax and slack off a little. While I do feel in those situations I have the right to reward myself, slacking off is not a reward, and neither is food. I could have chosen other activities to reward myself. I'm not going to dwell on that issue. I've already stood back up and wiped off the guilt.
Sure, three days of changing my habits may not SEEM like a big deal, but you know what? 3 will turn to 4 and then 5 and so on. Pretty soon I will have seen a week, then a month and as long as I take it one day at a time, I can make this a reality for the rest of my life. I know it's possible. I know I will get there too because every time I have dreams where I see myself, I'm thin. I've never been heavy in a dream. I know I am not meant to be this way. Many people resign themselves to the fact that they will never be thin. It's really sad when people give up on themselves just because other people have with their cruel words of condemnation.
I refuse to do that. No one will tell me who I am or who I will be. That's ONLY determined by me. I am the one that suffers the consequences of my actions.
Next time someone tries to push food at me, I WILL say something.
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