STARDUST2K4   44,842
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Training wheels

Saturday, December 04, 2010

I'm quite proud of myself. Yesterday, I did go over my calorie goal by about 200 calories. I'm still satisfied with my choices because by comparison to my old habits, I chose the healthier option. For example, we did go to wendy's last night for dinner, but I had the half size salad with a Jr. Bacon cheeseburger. As much as I wanted to eat a huge burger and fries with a soda, I didn't. A couple days before, I had gone to Denny's and ordered a veggie burger with no cheese and a side of fruit. I can still have what I want. There's nothing wrong with a modified low calorie version of what I normally eat. This is going to be the key to my success.
I have noticed that the attitude out there this time of year really is "oh, when the new year arrives, I'll start."
I really don't understand that philosophy, and looking back, it was silly of me to think that way in the past. In my opinion, that attitude just gives way to excuse it further and further thus postponing success. I don't want to give myself an excuse to add five pounds to my burden before the end of the year that I'm just going to "lose anyway". That's extra pounds that I don't need. Hell, it's hard enough to just lose ONE pound. In these last three days I feel like I have SO much more control. I'm not a slave to what I had previously perceived as hunger. I can say I don't want to eat out and that I don't in fact want additional food when I'm not hungry simply because it tastes good.
I haven't really incorporated any exercise yet (except that walk in the mall I did on Wednesday). Right now, I'm just happy that I can do the food thing. Of course exercise will be incorporated to my daily routine.
I had taken a tour of the YMCA downtown on Wednesday. It was awesome. I REALLY want to join, but I don't know how much time I'll actually have to go with full time work and school which are going to be odd hours next term. I specifically want to join a gym with a swimming pool. That seems to be my big thing when it comes to exercise. I suppose in reality, I don't NEED the gym, but it makes things fun if I need variety.
My goal within these next couple weeks is to break below 280. I'm around 295 right now, and I've been hovering in the 290's for quite some time. It seems when I hit 'the lowest weight I've been in a while' a part of me feels that because I've lost so much weight, I can kinda relax and slack off a little. While I do feel in those situations I have the right to reward myself, slacking off is not a reward, and neither is food. I could have chosen other activities to reward myself. I'm not going to dwell on that issue. I've already stood back up and wiped off the guilt.
Sure, three days of changing my habits may not SEEM like a big deal, but you know what? 3 will turn to 4 and then 5 and so on. Pretty soon I will have seen a week, then a month and as long as I take it one day at a time, I can make this a reality for the rest of my life. I know it's possible. I know I will get there too because every time I have dreams where I see myself, I'm thin. I've never been heavy in a dream. I know I am not meant to be this way. Many people resign themselves to the fact that they will never be thin. It's really sad when people give up on themselves just because other people have with their cruel words of condemnation.
I refuse to do that. No one will tell me who I am or who I will be. That's ONLY determined by me. I am the one that suffers the consequences of my actions.
Next time someone tries to push food at me, I WILL say something.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAROLJEAN64 12/4/2010 1:58PM

    What a wonderful blog. You embody the spirit of Spark. You also remind me of a great metaphor I heard about giving up because I already splurged so what not keep over-eating. If you got a speeding ticket first thing in the morning, would you just continue to speed all day??

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CELEST 12/4/2010 1:39PM

    You are so right, 3 will turn to 4 and then 5 and so on. you've got the right spirit on that. So keep going emoticon

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HoliDAY not holiMONTH

Friday, December 03, 2010

They say that if you can make it past day 3 with a new habit change, then your chances for success increase or something like that. We'll see. Today is not only "day 3" but it's also Friday. That means there will be much temptation to go back to the unhealthy lifestyle. I want to be sure and stay on track. I don't want this to be a replay of last year where I wait until the new year to change my life style. Why should anyone have to start over just because the new year starts? Your life didn't just reset did it? HECK NO!
I didn't work out yesterday, but I still consider staying within my calorie range a success. Today I will try to get out there and jog.
I know I can do this. I have the strength on my own. I don't need anyone to do this with me and no one can do this for me. I said it once and I'll say it again: You can pray all you want, but if you don't get off your butt, don't expect it to happen. I am the maker of my future. I am the representative of my past. My path is NOT set it stone. It is paved as I go in any direction I feel possible.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MISSY0356 12/3/2010 10:21AM

    I love your positive attitude, you are so right we are all free to pave our paths as we go. Thanks for the inspiration I needed it this am!!

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Went to the Doctor

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

I hadn't been to the Doctor for a check up in like 3 years. I finally had the opportunity to see a doctor thanks to the new healthcare bill. I had been worried about getting various preventable diseases. I requested that my blood be checked. Hopefully I'll be cleared of anything.
Going to this appointment did make me realize that I don't want to wait until I get a negative note from a doctor to start fixing my health. I decided that I will respect myself enough to stay healthy and keep active.
I went to the store and bought some grapes, yogurt, bananas, and some whole wheat english muffins. I know I can take the small steps necessarily to take care of my weight. I had noticed that my legs have been hurting a lot more lately. I happened to catch a glance of the back of my legs in the mirror, and there was a vein sticking out! Eww! Examining my legs further, I can really see the damage that my weight has done to my legs. My poor legs that keep me walking.
Anyway, I do feel more positive about things and the way things are going. I'll be sure to continue updating, and I want to live my life to the fullest.

I CAN do this! I WILL do this! Small steps!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DOWNTOWNJEN 12/1/2010 3:20PM

    You definitely have the right mindset to do this! Don't be like me - it took having a serious illness and the fallout of taking some really toxic medications for me to see the light. Now after 5 yrs of being in recovery I'm finally starting to feel better.

I'm so proud of you that you are standing up for yourself and your health! You are SO WORTH IT!

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It can only begin with me

Thursday, November 18, 2010

I found out that a childhood friend of mine's mother had passed away. She was only 61. While she was very nice and ended up for a time being almost like a second mother to me, the ending of her life kinda makes me think about my own. She was obese and she smoked a lot. She was always missing work because she was sick. I don't want to wait until I'm 40 or 50 to start getting healthy and working out. I may not live that long. Hell, I could die in a fiery crash on the way to work today (knock on wood). Truth is, I don't know WHEN I'm going to die. All I know is I don't want to live the current life style I'm living right now. I want to try every day to better myself. It started with me throwing away a cake this morning. I had one piece yesterday but knew that I would eat off of it all day if I didn't get rid of it. Too tempting.
While things at work are pretty hectic, I want to approach it like I'm starting a new job. Hell, They're splitting up our current team now anyway, and only a couple other team mates are going with me to this new team.

I feel like a spoiled brat for eating everything I want, and complaining in the past about work and how things are. They're not going to change unless I change them. Unless I make the efforts to figure out what is going to make me happy. For the longest time, I had this idea of what I want to be, and how I was going to "turn out" but in reflection, I hadn't done any of the work to actually GET there. I hadn't tried. I had thought that things were just going to "fall into place" but you know what? It doesn't work that way. I need to do the work. I need to be the one ensuring my own happiness. They say that relationships are hard work. Love is hard work. Well loving myself is hard work. It requires forgiving past wrongs and moving forward. Everyone makes mistakes and others seem to forgive themselves and move along just fine. Why can't I do that? I put too much pressure on myself in that sense and in turn I'm not allowing myself to live happily. When I am done writing this, I will go take a shower and 'cleanse' the negativity. there's no reason not to appreciate this great life that I have. There's no reason why I can't take care of this vehicle that is my body.
I promise myself today that I will look at challenges as opportunities for growth. I will not dwell on the past as I cannot change it. I will do what I can in my power to become the best person that I know how to be.


Just wanted to point this out. In case you haven't heard.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Okay people. I'll just lay this out: I'm 24 years old. Last time I checked, that meant that I was an adult. I graduated in 2004. It is safe to say that legally, high school is over. In the real world? Not so much.
Since when is it okay to be mocked in your own damn home? For so long, I let the words of what others said get to me so much so. I believed- and sometimes when I'm feeling my worst, still do believe, that those words are true. Unfortunately, a high school diploma does not magically make you a mature individual. An age does not determine your worth as a contributer to society. ACTIONS DO.
It's funny how the words of others stick with you for a long time. It's easy enough to say "let it go", but what does that actually MEAN? How do you seemingly ignore what others have said to you? How do you forget how you were treated? I wish I knew the secret. i wish I knew how to forget about things of the past. I don't want to hold on to this baggage. This baggage has turned to fat and it's #ucking weighing me down.
I'm confused at how to go about this. sometimes it seems as though I'm going through a positive 'streak' and all of a sudden it's almost like a whole new negative energy just seems to take over. i don't know how to describe it any other way. I say I'm going to start caring about myself enough to eat right exercise and love myself enough to do this, but I feel like there's a mental clog. I can't actually believe what I'm thinking or planning because it just sounds too impossible. I've been told so many times that it's not possible, or that I'm just meant to be this way... I know what I need to do to change my life. to SAVE my life. I am slowly killing myself after all right? I'm torturing myself with a slow suicide. Killing myself while seeing what I'm missing. Deep down I know I don't deserve this.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

STARDUST2K4 11/12/2010 10:11AM

    Thanks everyone. It's actually not my parents. I have a great relationship with them and the rest of my family and I moved out 3 years ago.

Last year, we had my fiance's brother move in with us because he was facing hard times. He ended up being drunk all the time and was always saying things behind my back about my weight specifically. He was verbally abusive and he ended up threatening us with violence and we had to break our lease. While the monetary part is taken care of, the fact is, he screwed us over.

My fiance doesn't talk to him anymore and now his sister is trying to meddle to get the two to talk again-even though my fiance' has made it clear that he wants nothing to do with him. I just feel like letting him back into our lives would be detrimental. If anything, I'm grateful that my fiance agrees.

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DIANE7786 11/12/2010 6:45AM

    Is it your parents who treated you badly in the past and mock you now? Are you still living with them? You are right that you don't deserve this. Your parents (if it is your parents) will likely never change. They will always think of you as a child they can disrespect. Consider using the adult status and action you mentioned to move forward with your life. I notice on your Sparks page that you are working. Consider renting a small apartment. It may not have the comforts of your parents home, but it also won't have the negativity. You will be able to plan and know that what you want in life is possible if you pursue it.

Comment edited on: 11/12/2010 6:54:45 AM

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SWSCRUFFY 11/12/2010 6:05AM

    Remember that what others say about you is no more than their opinion. It's no different than if someone says, "I think spinach is disgusting."

Bayside has a good point. If you can get away from these people, do it. No one deserves a constant stream of verbal abuse. I know from my experience when I was in school that it can have long-lasting effects. I'm 45 and still getting over some of it.

I would say go strong when you're feeling good about yourself. When you're getting negative, come here for support in addition to spending time with good, caring people who will help lift your spirits.

Cyber-hugs to you.

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BAYSIDE07 11/12/2010 4:31AM

  Do you still associate with those who mistreated you? Remember: you have no moral obligation to do that. Break ties with these people and set your own course.

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BDRFLI-TREKS 11/12/2010 4:29AM

    alright lady!!!! this is a breakthrough of self-definition... BREAK THROUGH!!! you sound like you are WELL on your way to completely defining your inner self and what you want and don't want... BREAK THROUGH all the other stuff, piece by friggin piece!!!

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_CYNDY55_ 11/12/2010 3:58AM


✿◕ ‿ ◕✿ emoticon*`'.

✿◕ ‿ ◕✿ emoticon emoticon emoticon*`'.

✿◕ ‿ ◕✿Happy FRIDAY*!*

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