STARDUST2K4   45,463
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It can only begin with me

Thursday, November 18, 2010

I found out that a childhood friend of mine's mother had passed away. She was only 61. While she was very nice and ended up for a time being almost like a second mother to me, the ending of her life kinda makes me think about my own. She was obese and she smoked a lot. She was always missing work because she was sick. I don't want to wait until I'm 40 or 50 to start getting healthy and working out. I may not live that long. Hell, I could die in a fiery crash on the way to work today (knock on wood). Truth is, I don't know WHEN I'm going to die. All I know is I don't want to live the current life style I'm living right now. I want to try every day to better myself. It started with me throwing away a cake this morning. I had one piece yesterday but knew that I would eat off of it all day if I didn't get rid of it. Too tempting.
While things at work are pretty hectic, I want to approach it like I'm starting a new job. Hell, They're splitting up our current team now anyway, and only a couple other team mates are going with me to this new team.

I feel like a spoiled brat for eating everything I want, and complaining in the past about work and how things are. They're not going to change unless I change them. Unless I make the efforts to figure out what is going to make me happy. For the longest time, I had this idea of what I want to be, and how I was going to "turn out" but in reflection, I hadn't done any of the work to actually GET there. I hadn't tried. I had thought that things were just going to "fall into place" but you know what? It doesn't work that way. I need to do the work. I need to be the one ensuring my own happiness. They say that relationships are hard work. Love is hard work. Well loving myself is hard work. It requires forgiving past wrongs and moving forward. Everyone makes mistakes and others seem to forgive themselves and move along just fine. Why can't I do that? I put too much pressure on myself in that sense and in turn I'm not allowing myself to live happily. When I am done writing this, I will go take a shower and 'cleanse' the negativity. there's no reason not to appreciate this great life that I have. There's no reason why I can't take care of this vehicle that is my body.
I promise myself today that I will look at challenges as opportunities for growth. I will not dwell on the past as I cannot change it. I will do what I can in my power to become the best person that I know how to be.


Just wanted to point this out. In case you haven't heard.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Okay people. I'll just lay this out: I'm 24 years old. Last time I checked, that meant that I was an adult. I graduated in 2004. It is safe to say that legally, high school is over. In the real world? Not so much.
Since when is it okay to be mocked in your own damn home? For so long, I let the words of what others said get to me so much so. I believed- and sometimes when I'm feeling my worst, still do believe, that those words are true. Unfortunately, a high school diploma does not magically make you a mature individual. An age does not determine your worth as a contributer to society. ACTIONS DO.
It's funny how the words of others stick with you for a long time. It's easy enough to say "let it go", but what does that actually MEAN? How do you seemingly ignore what others have said to you? How do you forget how you were treated? I wish I knew the secret. i wish I knew how to forget about things of the past. I don't want to hold on to this baggage. This baggage has turned to fat and it's #ucking weighing me down.
I'm confused at how to go about this. sometimes it seems as though I'm going through a positive 'streak' and all of a sudden it's almost like a whole new negative energy just seems to take over. i don't know how to describe it any other way. I say I'm going to start caring about myself enough to eat right exercise and love myself enough to do this, but I feel like there's a mental clog. I can't actually believe what I'm thinking or planning because it just sounds too impossible. I've been told so many times that it's not possible, or that I'm just meant to be this way... I know what I need to do to change my life. to SAVE my life. I am slowly killing myself after all right? I'm torturing myself with a slow suicide. Killing myself while seeing what I'm missing. Deep down I know I don't deserve this.

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STARDUST2K4 11/12/2010 10:11AM

    Thanks everyone. It's actually not my parents. I have a great relationship with them and the rest of my family and I moved out 3 years ago.

Last year, we had my fiance's brother move in with us because he was facing hard times. He ended up being drunk all the time and was always saying things behind my back about my weight specifically. He was verbally abusive and he ended up threatening us with violence and we had to break our lease. While the monetary part is taken care of, the fact is, he screwed us over.

My fiance doesn't talk to him anymore and now his sister is trying to meddle to get the two to talk again-even though my fiance' has made it clear that he wants nothing to do with him. I just feel like letting him back into our lives would be detrimental. If anything, I'm grateful that my fiance agrees.

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DIANE7786 11/12/2010 6:45AM

    Is it your parents who treated you badly in the past and mock you now? Are you still living with them? You are right that you don't deserve this. Your parents (if it is your parents) will likely never change. They will always think of you as a child they can disrespect. Consider using the adult status and action you mentioned to move forward with your life. I notice on your Sparks page that you are working. Consider renting a small apartment. It may not have the comforts of your parents home, but it also won't have the negativity. You will be able to plan and know that what you want in life is possible if you pursue it.

Comment edited on: 11/12/2010 6:54:45 AM

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SWSCRUFFY 11/12/2010 6:05AM

    Remember that what others say about you is no more than their opinion. It's no different than if someone says, "I think spinach is disgusting."

Bayside has a good point. If you can get away from these people, do it. No one deserves a constant stream of verbal abuse. I know from my experience when I was in school that it can have long-lasting effects. I'm 45 and still getting over some of it.

I would say go strong when you're feeling good about yourself. When you're getting negative, come here for support in addition to spending time with good, caring people who will help lift your spirits.

Cyber-hugs to you.

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BAYSIDE07 11/12/2010 4:31AM

  Do you still associate with those who mistreated you? Remember: you have no moral obligation to do that. Break ties with these people and set your own course.

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BDRFLI-TREKS 11/12/2010 4:29AM

    alright lady!!!! this is a breakthrough of self-definition... BREAK THROUGH!!! you sound like you are WELL on your way to completely defining your inner self and what you want and don't want... BREAK THROUGH all the other stuff, piece by friggin piece!!!

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_CYNDY55_ 11/12/2010 3:58AM


✿◕ ‿ ◕✿ emoticon*`'.

✿◕ ‿ ◕✿ emoticon emoticon emoticon*`'.

✿◕ ‿ ◕✿Happy FRIDAY*!*

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'Day 3'

Friday, November 05, 2010

On Wednesday, I just kind of "woke up" and decided to get my health back on track. So far, it's been going well. I have managed to stay underneath my calorie goals. It makes me happy to know that I DO actually have self control. I've learned that it actually does take work. I've been assessing how I feel when I'm in the mood to snack, and i've come to the conclusion that half the time I'm not actually hungry, just bored or anxious. I have been making efforts to remain 'distracted' when I'm not hungry but want to snack. I've also turned to water, tea and skim milk rather than juice and soda. As for work outs, I've been using my treadmill and hand weights.
I'm still a LITTLE bit sick, and I just started my "ladies" but in spite of it all, I'm pretty damn happy. I was invited to go workout and go hot tubbing with my friend and sister tomorrow and I gotta say, I'm REALLY excited! I haven't worked out with friends in a LONG time, nor have I used a real gym in over a year! I am seriously looking forward to it all! One thing that is truly helpful is to have friends who are working on their health too. I know that by surrounding myself with positive people who share similar health goals will be most beneficial to me. I have always been really shy and gotta say right now, I don't really have a lot of friends that I would feel comfortable hanging out with. I should really reach out and try to find a workout buddy or something. I read this article that basically said if you surround yourself with people who don't eat all the time, then it's more likely that you'll pick up their habits. It's true the other way around too. I have a group of friends that when we get together, we tend to eat. A LOT.
Anywho, I need to get ready for work. I am happy because I'm actually motivated to look pretty today emoticon


Now's MY Turn.

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

So, for the last about five days, I've been incredibly sick. It all started Friday when the back of my throat was all "tickly". I ended up feeling just like crap, and had a horrible weekend that had nothing to do with the fun of Halloween-which happens to be just about my favorite holiday. That said, I do have to say being sick reminded me that if I had been healthier, I might have been able to ward it off faster, thus another reason to get there.
I always struggle with it all during this time of year. The weather isn't as inviting, the food certainly is, and It's almost expected that the nation gains a collective 5 -10 pounds during the 3-month course that is, the 'holiday season.'
"Not I ", I say to myself EVERY SINGLE year, yet somehow on any given fateful day (usually when I'm LEAST expecting it), I weight myself within this these 3 months, and there it is! A random pound has been added to my already not-so-tiny frame.

Truth be told, I completely stated losing steam about August. This is usually what happens: August weather is too terribly hot. My apartment doesn't have air conditioning. My mentality is "why on earth would I want to overheat myself by working out, knowing that I'll be a hot sweaty mess for the rest of the day? Please note, I understand that these are just what we like to call 'excuses'. Those excuses extend SO FAR that they even bleed into the end of the year. The reason? Well, by the time the heat wave is over, I reason that I'll start working out again. In about September the efforts are there, but they're no where near as intense as they were earlier in the year. It eventually become far less than half-hearted, and by October, I'm just done because "well, the holiday season is coming up, it's inevitable". By this time, the thoughts turn to the new year and I convince myself of all the resolutions I'll make to fix this mess. At this point, many of you would say to yourself "if you know what 's going to happen, then why don't you prevent it?" The truth is, you're absolutely right! I know this fact about myself SO incredibly well that it's been happening for about the last five years. I'm literally losing and gaining the same 15 pounds or so.

Well here's the thing. I DON'T want to do this anymore. While I enjoy being on a treadmill, THIS treadmill is not the one I had in mind. What inspired me to finally decide "hey I've had enough of this crap"? Well to be honest it was in fact during my illness. I suffer from depression-not doctor confirmed, it doesn't take a genius to realize that I have incredible ups and downs in extremes. Lately however, I've had this completely positive vibe about myself. A couple weeks ago, I absolutely hated my job. I wanted to quit and threatened to do so by the year's end. It literally seems like one day I just "woke up". I now see the merge with my job as an opportunity! It's like I'm starting at a new job only I have the essential skills already to do it! I don't want to lose this new me. For the first time in a LONG time, I feel normal. I literally write in my private journal, "I don't want this to go away. I love this new, positive me" And it's absolutely true!

Another thing that's really helping me out is I've been going to school and am starting to get an idea of what I want to major in. Sure, it's not set in stone, but talking with my fiancee about our future at a university just makes me thrilled! To know that I am just as qualified as any other individual and that I too will be successful and have a career just makes me so incredibly happy! I could be at a university by 2011! I'm literally so close to earning my AA and I've been at the community college on and off for SO long (2004!)

While I'm happy now and am going to have a nice workout today and begin taking better care of myself, deep down, I'm still a little scared that the negative Ellie will come out and de-rail me. I guess it all boils down to literally taking it one day, hour, and minute at a time.
I truly am happy. I feel like I've been emotionally re-born or something and all of the negative things of the past truly are in the past.

My goals for today include drinking a least 5 cups of water, and staying under my calorie goals. I also plan on going for a walk for at least a half hour. While I have to start slow, the key is actually starting.



What am I hungry for?

Thursday, October 07, 2010

I have been neglecting my body. Once again, as stress comes into the picture, I turn to food. I don't understand what's wrong with me. I just ate, and I still feel hungry. I haven't been in the best of moods either, so that's not helpful at all. I just want to figure it out.
I started school two weeks ago, so that's good.
If I get enough financial aid, I'm going to quit my job. It's stressing me out way too much. I just want to be a professional student and take time to do things for me. I've put myself on the back burner for long enough.
If I do get the opportunity to severely decrease my work hours, I do plan on taking more time on exercise classes too.
Right now, the main stressor for me is work. All of the changes that are happening with the merge are making me emotionally ill. I don't morally agree with the company I work for anymore. I just feel sad I guess. I'm sad, angry and confused. I don't have any "girlfriends" to talk to really and that kinda makes things hard.

I want to create a picture in my mind of what the ideal me is. This fat girl sitting at the computer typing a pathetic journal thinking someone will actually read it is not me. Sure, I write-a lot. I'm not denying that. I'm just noticing that all of my journal entries are pretty much the same, "regret, remorse, forgiveness, and more hope". It's always the same. I'm not even sure why I bothered going to this website.

I don't know where I fit in with everything. . I know that one day, i'm not just going to wake up and be confident. It doesn't I'm not going to wake up one day and say "Hey, I think I'm worth more today than I was yesterday...I think I'll start caring now." It just doesn't work that way. It never has.

I always say that years go by so quickly, and so much could be accomplished in a year. I know hat if I really REALLY put my mind to it, I COULD actually lose the weight. maybe I'll start a regimen tomorrow. I just have to put myself first. It's like I've forgotten that anything worth having should take hard work. Not all healthy people are that way naturally. Many people have to actually WORK at it. That's how they stay in the great shape their in. I can't just think myself thin. While visualization is great, action is needed too.
I just hope that I can visualize myself getting up early tomorrow morning to exercise.....

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TUBLADY 10/8/2010 2:55PM

    You sound like you are depressed. I wish you would see a doctor and talk over how you feel. You don't have to go through life feeling like you do.
I have been through some deep depression and I sought help, with medication and counseling I got through it. I figured out the underling factors that were causing such anguish in my life.
I continue to take medication but I am 100% better. I am dealing with the weight issue that happened with the depression.
Food is what people turn too when there is nothing else.
So please seek some professional guidance.

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