Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Well, I'm getting my car repossessed. At the time when I got it, Adam and I both had jobs. Really, we haven't been able to afford it for a LONG time. I'm the only income. Car payments plus insurance were costing us $410.00 a month. The original price was $11,000.00. We've still got $6,000.00 left to pay on it, and Kelley Blue book states that it's only actually worth $1,800.00. Definitely not worth it. The thing that really gets me mad, is these dealerships and banks KNOW what they're doing. They know that a vehicle is doing to depreciate in value by at least 1/3rd once it's purchased from the dealership. I was 21, stupid and desperate for a new car as my old one had completely died on me. I'm not going to worry about that crap anymore. I'm going to save up and I'm going to try to get a cheap car on Friday after I get paid.
I've learned a lot these last couple of years...There are TOO many people that live outside of their means. I was definitely one of them. The effin' "American dream" approves of this behavior. The "American way" doesn't include saving for years until you can afford something. It requires that you show off your status by purchasing new cars, homes, appliances, and clothing. It doesn't matter where the means come from as long as you have it. The "American way" encourages gambling on the stock market as a stupid "get rich quick" scheme. I seriously have customers calling occasionally who simply say "I want to get rich off the stock market"
I just want to get my life back. I want to get my debt settled, go back to school, and actually get a job based on what I WANT to do not what's LEFT to do. I'm NOT going to be a product of slim pickings.
In fact, I WILL go back to school. I WILL get a better job, and I WILL rebuild my life. I don't want to live outside my means anymore. 425.00 a month is perfect for rent. I have a bike, so if anything should come up, I can always ride a bike to work. In a way, that's good because I can get a workout too. I guess this rant needed to happen.
I've been making myself sick worrying, but there are PLENTY of people who get along EVERY DAY without a car. There are people out there who DON'T have jobs or even a roof over there head. Sure, I've done the whole food baskets thing, but really, it could be a LOT worse.
I'm not religious by any means, but I'm truly grateful for my circumstances.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
I have been eating pretty badly these last couple of days. I've still be somewhat exercising, so I suppose that's good. I want to start riding my bike. I want to test ride it out to my job and back so I can start conditioning myself for it. I know it's not going to be an easy one. I just have to wait for the sun to come up.
Adam and I have been thinking about possibly getting out of this town. I personally have lived in the Salem/Keizer area for at least 15 years, and I'm just really tired of it and want a change of scenery. I want to look into Seattle Washington. Beautiful place and I know a couple people that live there. I'm seriously wanting to just jazz things up a bit. I'm really nervous about everything. I know I can do it, but I am scared. I've been at my currently job for two and a half years! I'm so comfortable with it, but I'm not actually HAPPY with it.
I've applied to several different stores and also to be a Financial Advisor trainee...that would switch things up a bit AND give me a bit of a raise (the FInancial Advisor part, not the Store employee one) I'm just sick of the call center, I'm sick of the fact that we don't have public transportation on the weekends here, and I'm sick of being complacent. I'm doing this for ME. I have to do it for my own mental health.
I'm going to go up there on the 23rd and visit my friend. I also want to get an idea of some practical places to possibly live. I'm honestly excited about doing this. Anyway, going to take a bit of a nap until the sun comes up.
I'm going to see if I can get a little more sleep in. I Just had a couple things on my mind.
Sunday, July 04, 2010
This last week was actually HORRIBLE food wise. I think I went WAY over at least 5 of the last 7 days. I didn't work out yesterday or the day before either :( I did work out today, so that's definitely important. I'm not going to look back. I have to re-excite myself about losing the weight. I have to remember why I wanted to lose weight in the first place.
I guess over time things start to become habit, and in turn that gets boring.
I think I'm at a point where I need additional support..maybe I'll join OA, or TOPS...Something to help me keep going. I get support through family and friends, but sometimes it just doesn't seem like enough. I've noticed little signs of sabotage. Whether it's "hey lets go to lunch there" or "Well, we could just go get ice cream", I know that the intentions are good, but I've GOT to stop playing that role for my family. I'm not just the "eater". I know there's more to me than that.
I'm at a size 22 again. That's just awesome considering just a couple months ago, I was at a 26.
In a way, I feel that by getting back to a size 22, I have met a goal, and somewhere in the back of mind, I got the "ok" to stop. Well I'm definitely not out of the woods yet. I've got a long way to go, but I just have to keep reminding myself of that. Just because I'm back where I was doesn't mean that it was a good place to be either. I am also deciding that while weighing myself on a scale can sure give a lot of insight to how my progress is going, it's not going to be the SOLE measure of my success. I'm going to weigh in now, and I know it probably won't be where I'd LIKE it to be, but I am not surprised. After all, I did eat fairly poorly this last week.
Either way, the blinders are staying on, and I'm just going to keep moving forward.
Friday, July 02, 2010
Alright folks, this last week has been HORRIBLE food wise as far as excess calories and inaccuracy in the food tracker. I am putting my foot down and I am making it better TODAY. If I can make it through July, then I know I will have conquered something. I am almost afraid of it honestly.
I binged yesterday, but it here's what got me to stop: As I was eating, I realized that I was doing it because I felt like I was trying to desperately bring back the part of me I am losing. I have to remind myself that I don't WANT that part of me back. I am making progress and sure, this week has been bad, and I probably either maintained or even gained a little, but that's not going to stop me. I don't consider that failure. Failure is not getting back up.
I am looking at my chart. The chart that I made about 13 weeks ago. There are still 26 more spaces that need filling. One for each Sunday for the rest of the year. The chart is doing what I designed it to do. Remind me that I can't give up. The progress could be so easily undone, and I just don't know if I can take that kind of disappointment from myself again. I want to be successful. I know that it certainly won't come easy, but when I am finally at my goal weight, I know that I will be SO proud of myself!
All I have to do is look at photos of myself from before. The 330 pound me. The depressed me.
I also noticed with this bad eating, my sister tends to initiate going somewhere bad for lunch or whatever. I know should simply tell her 'no', but I feel like....by not going, I'm telling her that I don't care about her or her company. We were going to go play tennis yesterday after work-which would have been a GREAT idea, but it started raining right as we walked out. What did we do instead? We went and got ice cream :(
I have to re-assess my situation and re-affirm what is important to me. I have to remind myself why I'm doing this in the first place. Only I can make this right.
Thursday, July 01, 2010
Last year when I started this whole Journey thing, I started in about March or April, and the hype seemed to die down around July. Well....This year, I started strong in March or April.....and it's July....I have to dig DEEP. Why do I want to lose the weight? I haven't been eating very healthy this week. I've over-indulged. I know that I have to stop doing that, but I can only do it if I make myself. No one else is going to win this for me. No one else has my back.
The exercise is fine. I feel like I'm doing pretty well with it. I just feel that for some reason, I want to just eat bad foods. On a good note, I've eaten LESS bad stuff than I normally would have. I'm sure "back in the day", I had eaten in excess of around 4000 calories on bad days. Now? Not so much. I just have to keep going. I want this. I just have to remind myself why. I'm going to force myself to go jogging now. I hope that when I come back I will be reminded of why I have to keep going. I don't want to lose the steam. I don't want to wait another year after barely losing around 20 pounds.
I know I'm not ready to throw in the towel. I just feel overwhelmed I guess. Maybe I SHOULD up the exercise. I mean in all seriousness, the hour of exercising has gotten a little easier...maybe I'm just bored with it...geez, I hope that's it.
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