Saturday, June 19, 2010
Yesterday was not a good day food wise. I still exercised, but I must say, I went over by quite a bit. I won't let that get in the way of my progress. I found that it's not the act itself that can be damaging (though it really honestly doesn't help the cause that much) but the reaction.
Sure, I can have a bad day, but I just have to move on, it's a lot healthier mentally than just dwelling on it or saying "well I might as well eat give up" or whatever.
I can admit that my eating habits were less than acceptable yesterday (and even slightly the day before to be totally honest), but today's a new day, and I've got a new slate. Mess ups happen. I feel that one of the most important lessons I've learned by doing this is I don't deserve to beat myself up. I don't deserve to look down on myself and deny my body the exercise or the encouragement it craves just because I messed up once. I deserve to be coached and learn from my experience and then to continue encouraging myself. I'm still going to workout today, I'm going to eat better today, and I'm going to continue to be proud of myself for my progress. I guess it's like this: A mother generally doesn't stop loving her child when the child messes up. The same goes with self respect.
I am going to challenge myself today. I want to jog an entire mile. I want to go out to the high school track and just jog at least one mile. I want to prove to myself that it's not just a crazy thought, and it's not impossible. sure, I'm a big girl, but I can still do this. In fact, doing this is going to help me become a not-so-big girl.
In spite of yesterday and even the day before, I feel just awesome.
Friday, June 18, 2010
My sister was so super nice and bought me some clothes yesterday from Maurices. No, it wasn't my birthday, she was just being nice. I got a denim jacket, a nice shirt, a purse, and a goldenrod colored tank top. I honestly look really good in them. Basically, she has a credit card through them, and I'm going to pay her back. It was pretty cool. I was hoping to find another pair of pants, but I guess the sizes there run differently than the pants that I have. I'm probably going to try to find a size smaller pants at Shopko where I bought the current jeans that I have. Either that, or Lane Bryant. I know that some brand sizes run slightly different or don't stretch or whatever have you. I'll see what I can find next pay day. I went for a walk this morning, and for some reason, the last time I jogged .69 miles straight, I thought it might have been a fluke. I tried again, and sure enough, it wasn't! It's weird. I feel like I almost zoned out during the whole thing. Driving down the road, it seems like a long distance, and looking back, I think 'Did I really just jog that whole thing!?' It's not a fast jog by any means. I'm not going to worry about speed until I can jog a further distance. I have been using the end of the street as a guide so far. I haven't given myself a break yet this week. I've worked out Monday to today. I had normally taken Friday's off, but I had woken up as normal, and thought "Well, I'm already awake, I might as well do this". I actually WANTED to. I am seriously proud of what I've done to this point, and I know from here, I can only get better and stronger.
Monday, June 14, 2010
I am starting my new shift today. I was originally working from 6am to 2:40 Monday through Friday. My new shift is still Monday through Friday, but I'm working from 10:20am to 7:00. I had decided that while it was nice to get my shift out of the way, it was actually hurting my weight loss progress. I became too tired too quickly and found that I was falling asleep around 6 in the evening. It wasn't very good for my workouts that's for sure. I had decided in order to get this weight under control and to start making progress again, I'd have to work out in the mornings. I had tried waking up at about 3:15 am, but that only lasted 2 days with my old shift. This morning, I went on about a five mile walk, and I even jogged 1/2 mile! Sure, it was slow jogging, but it was jogging all the same, and that's all that matters. I'm glad now that the weather is a lot nicer too. I can go for my walks outside-the way walking was intended.
Things are really looking up. I have 99 pounds to lose before the Air Force will take me seriously about recruitment. I want this to be real for me! I understand that this would be a huge commitment. I'm wiling to go for it.
Sunday, June 06, 2010
I've lost a total of 40 pounds since I've started my journey April 2009. While it doesn't SEEM like a big deal, it is to me because I had fallen off the wagon in July of 2009 and kind of hovered between 300 and 318. It's a big deal because I see my picture from when I started. It was a LOT worse than even I had remembered. I decided this year, again in April, that it was time to take myself seriously again. I'm now lighter than I ever was last year. I feel like I'm finally picking up on this. While my recent loss hasn't really been more than a pound a week, I'm confident that the slower it takes, the longer it will stay off. I am excited to see what happens with the next 10, 20 or even 30 pound loss. I'm certainly taking it one day at a time, but I have my eye on the ultimate prize.
I recently sat down and actually analyzed my life. I realized that what I'm doing right now isn't what I want. I'm limiting myself because of my own weight.
I've said it before, but I'm actually a little scared to lose this weight. It's been a part of me for so long, and I always figured if I messed up it was because I'm fat. Once the weight is lost, It's all on me. Not my weight, but ME personally. I know that people WILL treat me differently. I know that I'll be disgusted knowing that this me, and the physically fit me are two different people who will be treated differently. I'm realizing that it's something that I'm going to have to prepare for. The fat girl never really goes away. No matter how much weight I lose, I'm always going to feel that people are making fun of my weight or noticing my weight. Even at work the other day when my co-worker said that I looked like I lost a bunch of weight, I know it was a compliment, but in my head, I couldn't even thank myself for doing this for me. I feel that my number ONE issue is not loving myself enough. I want to give myself the credit I deserve. I want to appreciate myself and my triumphs.
Saturday, June 05, 2010
I was having a mad craving for something sweet while at lunch yesterday at work. Now this wasn't just a craving for a piece of fruit or a small piece of chocolate, but for a cinnamon roll or a cheese danish-all of which have about 5-600 calories. I had gone to the vending machine, and I had told one of my co-workers (who knows that I'm working on losing weight) and she just guided me right passed them and said "no, you don't need them, it's okay come on, you can do it". That was the first triumph. The second triumph came when it was my last break. I had gone out back to the vending machines. I was waiting to use it, but the lady in front of me was taking too long with her selection, I took it as a sign from the great diet gods and again walked away with nothing. Normally, I would have waited. Normally, I would have given in instead of thinking about it, and realizing that it wasn't a good idea. After I walked to my desk, I thought about it and realized that I wasn't actually hungry, just bored. Later on, I was talking with my sister and the girl that sits next to her across from me (we all work together) and another lady came up and started talking to us, and I stood up to talk to her because I was behind the cubicle wall, and she looked at me with a surprised look and said "Oh Ellie, you look like you've been losing some weight" That made me so happy! The jeans that I had bought about a month or so ago are starting to feel loose and the extra large t-shirts are feeling loose. I'm certainly not out of the woods yet. In fact, I'm afraid to weigh in tomorrow, but no matter what happens, no matter what the number on the scale is, I HAVE to keep going. I've rekindled my desire to join the military. I have tried to hide it and say it's just a silly dream or I'm making it too big of a deal or whatever. I've tried reasoning with myself, telling myself that it's just too high to aim, but in reality? I can't stop thinking about the fact that I'd kick myself if I didn't even try. I don't normally regret decisions, but I know I'd regret it if I didn't give myself a chance. I managed to walk away from a vending machine. I'm NOT going to walk away from what I truly want.
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