Saturday, October 04, 2014
I was offered employment closer to my home, so I decided that it was time to quit the job that required commuting 20 miles each way. On top of that, my co-workers were not very polite or accepting of me. There were 6 of us-all women, and approximately the same age. there was a lot of clique behavior similar to that of the high school variety, and I have to say, I was pushed out. They weren't good at inclusion, and in fact, often, they would make plans about "hanging out" and I'd be sitting there by myself. I know that friends and co-workers don't mix, but just sitting there like a dummy while they all made plans and talked about how awesome it was going to be was kind of hurtful.
It started with the 'leader' really, the one who had been there the longest. I would be reading my email-work related, and she would ask me if I was on "like, a break or something". of course, I'd tell her in a very polite way that I'm not some slacker, and that it would be stupid to do something like that especially while still within my 90 days.
It wasn't the first time she would do that. I'd legitimately be on break and just happen to be coming back and she'd ask me if I was 'on like, a break or something'. It was irritating. It was like she singled me out. She NEVER said anything to the girl who would take lengthy PERSONAL phone calls on her desk phone, nor would she say anything to the other girl who would come over to the previously mentioned girl and just chat it up for like 5-10 minutes about bull crap, not only wasting ONE person's time, but two people's time when they could be on the phone. I can't even count how many times I'd be on the phone with a patient, and I'd have to cover my other ear because I couldn't hear over their talking.
There was one incident in particular that led me to seek other employment. I was still new. I mean seriously, my training was literally 3 days, so mistakes were bound to happen. I guess I forgot to delete a message from a patient's record after rescheduling him, so my co workers (the "leader") called him back, and then very rudely talked to me in front of everyone else how 'frustrating' it is. Now, I don't mind constructive criticism, but this was just too much. She seriously had me in my cubicle, and my other co-workers were also around, and telling me "you need to complete your tasks" and all that, and seriously, it was just too much, and I started crying. I normally would not have if I wasn't emotional already. I had already been going through a lot, and that just did it for me. I already knew that they didn't like me. I wasn't like them at all! Honestly, I can't believe that I lasted there as long as I did. They were just so rude to me, and I know that they were singling me out. I remember one time I was being polite to a customer, and the "leader" was actually mocking what I had just said in a sing songy voice! Seriously! I remember various other times, I'd ask for help, or ask who was covering whom when one provider was out, and seriously, NO ONE KNEW! We wouldn't know until one of the medical assistants would come out and be like "why did you send me a message about so and so's patient?" it was SO horribly disorganized, and everyone seemed annoyed when I asked them for help. I just couldn't do it anymore.
So finally, after a successful interview elsewhere and a job offer, I went in to work yesterday, printed a couple things I needed, told them that I accepted work elsewhere and that I'd be lying if I said "it's been fun". I then logged out, shut down my computer, turned in my badge, and left. It was an amazing feeling. I begin training on the 12th, and really, I just want to have some time to relax. I didn't really get a break between school and my previous job, so I figured I might as well take some time now just to relax. I don't regret that decision. These people weren't the brightest either....they were all pretty superficial, and I kid you not, one girl talked about the possibility of baptizing her dogs....that's right. Her DOGS...Now, I'm not a christian, but I was raised catholic, and I understand that there's an element of free will and the ability to say "yes" or "no".....this girl was an idiot....superficial idiots....I'm just glad that I don't have to deal with it anymore.
Sunday, September 07, 2014
Since my last post, Adam and I graduated with our BA's with honors. I was lucky enough to have a job at a local clinic as a scheduler that I started working the week after I graduated. We finally moved back out. Unfortunately, the toll it took on my body was not good. I am back up to where I began. That's right. I am 330 pounds again. I am not proud of it, but if it's any consolation, I can at least say that I don't look as big as I did the last time I weighed this much. The other good news is that I know what to do and now that I'm back out on my own, and I am once again in full control of what goes into my fridge, I am ready to get this weight back off.
We went grocery shopping today and I am happy to say that a lot of what we bought was healthy fruits and veggies. I also have my stationary bike. I was lucky enough to find one exactly like the one I had before. I am so ready to get healthy. I feel like I've wasted enough time gaining this weight back. At least there was a good 3 years between the last time I was 330 pounds and now. I know that I can get this back.
Tomorrow I am going to get some poster board and make a motivational collage. I'm going to set my goals and keep track and make sure I take small steps. I'm essentially starting over but the only difference is that I'm armed with the knowledge of how to do this. there's no excuse not to do this. I know how to do this and I will do get to my goal weight.
there was a woman I met at the gym who is in her early 30's. She told me that she had lost 80 pounds 3 times. I guess if she did it, I can do it too. I am sad that I gained almost 100 pounds in the course of 20 months, but it will come back off. I just have to start now.
I can do this.
Monday, April 28, 2014
So far, 2014 has been quite eventful for me. From moving into my parents' house with my fiance, and working on completing my last two terms of college, and now looking for work, I can definitely say that food has been my coping mechanism-big time! I have gained about 30 pounds since the beginning of the year. I readily admit that. Yes, I've gained some weight, but I'm not going to start hating myself over that anymore. I'm not ugly-I never was. I'm gorgeous, and I feel amazing. Sure, I will have to do some extra work when I have the chance, and yes, I could be doing more to at least maintain my current weight, but I'm tired of being so down on myself just because I can't maintain the same active lifestyle I had when I was living on my own. I need to adjust to my surroundings. That's what I'd have to do in any situation. I just have to put my weight loss efforts on hold for now, and that's fine. I can still track, and I can still squeeze in workouts here and there.
I guess I was upset because when I was living on my own, I had gym access every single day. I'd get up at about 5:45, get dressed, and walk to the gym which opened at six. I'd work out for about an hour or so, then come home, shower, eat breakfast, get ready for school, then walk to school. I did this 5-6 days a week. Now that I don't live so close to school (about 17 miles away) I drive to school, and while I do have access to the gym, I have to lug all of my gym and shower stuff. I have to squeeze in a workout between class, plus have time to shower. It's a huge hassle. I used to go swimming during the evenings, but now, since I just go home, I don't have the money to be using so much gas just to drive 20 minutes to use a swimming pool for an hour. It's definitely harder than it was. I didn't realize, or appreciate I suppose, the convenience of living so close to school and the gym we have here.
I can go to the gym in the town I live in with either my brother or sister as both of their memberships allow guests, but my sister threw her back out (working out too hard perhaps?) and my brother broke his arm. So, they're not going to the gym anytime soon. But you know what? The weather is getting better, and I can go for walks. In fact, my goal today is to go out for a walk-at least a half hour. I enjoy running and I want to get back into it. I'm just not going to be negative about it, or think too much about how much farther I have to go to reach my goal. I guess this is the part where I just suck it up, and start slow again. It seems like every time I fall off the wagon, even a little bit, I try to grasp at any quick fix to get me back to "where I was", but it never works, and as I become more and more desperate, the weight slowly creeps back on until I finally say "ENOUGH".
In these times when I get off track, I have found that the hardest thing about it-every single time- is admitting it, accepting, "sucking it up", and admitting that the ONLY way to get back on track is to start small and work my way back to where I was the RIGHT way. That's seriously the hardest part. After I've done that, I feel optimistic and ready to start again. It's almost like a tantrum really.
I think another important thing I have to remember is that everyone goes through this! It would be silly to think that I would never see this weight again at least one more time before the big push to my goal weight. Even when I do reach it, I'm going to have to be vigilant and really keep watching what I eat. I haven't been this weight since 2010 and honestly, that's pretty darn good. I had a good 3 year gap of not seeing this weight, and being quite far away from it. I can admit that I fell back into some old habits, and I accept that.
I understand that right now, there's not a whole lot I can do. I am not in charge of what is being cooked at home, nor am I in charge of grocery shopping. I can distract myself. I have other things I need to be doing-like, my huge senior project that I have to give a presentation on May 29th. I have to finish typing it all out, and still keep track of my other classes. I definitely have stuff to do!
Alright. So there's my official "I admit it" post. I have fallen, and now after throwing a tantrum on the floor for quite a long time, I am ready to get back up, dust myself off, and pretend no one saw that.
Here we go.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
I have been wheat free for 10 days now (today will be day 11). While I do feel better about it, I've noticed something else: I've eaten WAAAY too much candy! In fact, I've been having crazy sugar cravings! It's nuts! I've been thinking about it, and I realize: I'm swapping out one bad food for another! Candy is essentially the same thing! They're just a bunch of sugars that are going to get converted to fat! Why am I giving up wheat, if I'm substituting it for candy? That's not good! So what am I going to do? Well, I started my day off with lemon water. That tends to clean the junk out of my system. Breakfast will be a banana and some egg whites. I really want to stop eating added sugars and focus on eating more natural foods. I ate some ice cream yesterday-okay, like, a LOT of ice cream, and it totally did NOT agree with my stomach! not only did it cause my gallbladder to hurt, it made me all gassy and bloated. I guess I should either reduce, or just stop with the dairy products. It sucks, but these pains tell me I should probably stop.
I get my disbursement from school today so I'll have the money to buy myself specialized groceries. I have been waiting to do that for too long! In the past, when Adam and I got money, we'd splurge on eating out-like, a LOT. This time? I'm still going to splurge, but those splurges will be on healthy foods. It costs about the same to eat organic (actually, probably less) as it would to eat out. Dining out is expensive!
So, it's been 10 days of being wheat free. While that's not a LONG time, I still feel like I can work on cutting out added sugars. I'll be going back to school on Monday, so I'm going to buy a lunch bag and seriously work on preparing my own lunches. I know I can do this.
It's weird to say that every day at school during our little break time, we'd go to the local grocery store and totally get whatever, unplanned and everything! It's amazing! I can't believe how ill prepared I've been!
I am also excited to get back into "my" gym. I've been going as a guest with my brother and sister, but I miss my gym. I'll definitely have time next term, and since it will be my last term there, I better get as much use out of it as I can. My goal is to lose 25 pounds during Spring term. That will at least put me back to 'where I was' at about this time last year.
I can do this!
Friday, March 21, 2014
I was so happy to finally finish Winter term! I am officially on Spring break, but I still have to do some research relevant to my senior project. I can't believe I have about 85 days until I graduate! I started a count-down in my planner around the beginning of the term, so it's kind of neat to see the days go by and cross it off.
One thing I am finding I have more time for now is to write my resume, and start applying for work. I know that these processes can sometimes take months, so it would be really nice to have an interview lined up even in May or early June. Ideally (which it never works out this way) I'd have a job lined up about a week or two after I graduate. There are so many jobs available that I qualify for-thankfully now that I'll have a BA, my chances of qualifying go up too!
I keep thinking that I am competing with everyone else who just has a high school diploma or "some college", but then I remember-I'll have a full on 4-year degree! It's really exciting!
I know that I won't be making "bank", but it's certainly a hell of a lot better than if I didn't go to college at all.
One thing that I've noticed is that the application process is so long! There's a lot involved in writing out my history and all that stuff. It's really a lot of work just to find work!
As far as the wheat free thing goes, today is day 4 of not eating any wheat. I've still eaten some starches like potatoes and corn, but I haven't had anything with wheat in it.
I was kind of upset yesterday because my juicer broke. I was trying to juice some beets (they're good for the gallbladder) and the juice got mixed in with the pulp in the pulp catcher. I guess that means I'll just have to buy a better one-I'm thinking the Jack LaLanne power juicer. That's the one I originally wanted, but I didn't have that much money...I guess you get what you pay for. I barely had it for a year.
Anyway, I feel better, and will continue this lifestyle. The hardest part is figuring out what to eat but there's a lot of options.
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