Monday, April 28, 2014
So far, 2014 has been quite eventful for me. From moving into my parents' house with my fiance, and working on completing my last two terms of college, and now looking for work, I can definitely say that food has been my coping mechanism-big time! I have gained about 30 pounds since the beginning of the year. I readily admit that. Yes, I've gained some weight, but I'm not going to start hating myself over that anymore. I'm not ugly-I never was. I'm gorgeous, and I feel amazing. Sure, I will have to do some extra work when I have the chance, and yes, I could be doing more to at least maintain my current weight, but I'm tired of being so down on myself just because I can't maintain the same active lifestyle I had when I was living on my own. I need to adjust to my surroundings. That's what I'd have to do in any situation. I just have to put my weight loss efforts on hold for now, and that's fine. I can still track, and I can still squeeze in workouts here and there.
I guess I was upset because when I was living on my own, I had gym access every single day. I'd get up at about 5:45, get dressed, and walk to the gym which opened at six. I'd work out for about an hour or so, then come home, shower, eat breakfast, get ready for school, then walk to school. I did this 5-6 days a week. Now that I don't live so close to school (about 17 miles away) I drive to school, and while I do have access to the gym, I have to lug all of my gym and shower stuff. I have to squeeze in a workout between class, plus have time to shower. It's a huge hassle. I used to go swimming during the evenings, but now, since I just go home, I don't have the money to be using so much gas just to drive 20 minutes to use a swimming pool for an hour. It's definitely harder than it was. I didn't realize, or appreciate I suppose, the convenience of living so close to school and the gym we have here.
I can go to the gym in the town I live in with either my brother or sister as both of their memberships allow guests, but my sister threw her back out (working out too hard perhaps?) and my brother broke his arm. So, they're not going to the gym anytime soon. But you know what? The weather is getting better, and I can go for walks. In fact, my goal today is to go out for a walk-at least a half hour. I enjoy running and I want to get back into it. I'm just not going to be negative about it, or think too much about how much farther I have to go to reach my goal. I guess this is the part where I just suck it up, and start slow again. It seems like every time I fall off the wagon, even a little bit, I try to grasp at any quick fix to get me back to "where I was", but it never works, and as I become more and more desperate, the weight slowly creeps back on until I finally say "ENOUGH".
In these times when I get off track, I have found that the hardest thing about it-every single time- is admitting it, accepting, "sucking it up", and admitting that the ONLY way to get back on track is to start small and work my way back to where I was the RIGHT way. That's seriously the hardest part. After I've done that, I feel optimistic and ready to start again. It's almost like a tantrum really.
I think another important thing I have to remember is that everyone goes through this! It would be silly to think that I would never see this weight again at least one more time before the big push to my goal weight. Even when I do reach it, I'm going to have to be vigilant and really keep watching what I eat. I haven't been this weight since 2010 and honestly, that's pretty darn good. I had a good 3 year gap of not seeing this weight, and being quite far away from it. I can admit that I fell back into some old habits, and I accept that.
I understand that right now, there's not a whole lot I can do. I am not in charge of what is being cooked at home, nor am I in charge of grocery shopping. I can distract myself. I have other things I need to be doing-like, my huge senior project that I have to give a presentation on May 29th. I have to finish typing it all out, and still keep track of my other classes. I definitely have stuff to do!
Alright. So there's my official "I admit it" post. I have fallen, and now after throwing a tantrum on the floor for quite a long time, I am ready to get back up, dust myself off, and pretend no one saw that.
Here we go.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
I have been wheat free for 10 days now (today will be day 11). While I do feel better about it, I've noticed something else: I've eaten WAAAY too much candy! In fact, I've been having crazy sugar cravings! It's nuts! I've been thinking about it, and I realize: I'm swapping out one bad food for another! Candy is essentially the same thing! They're just a bunch of sugars that are going to get converted to fat! Why am I giving up wheat, if I'm substituting it for candy? That's not good! So what am I going to do? Well, I started my day off with lemon water. That tends to clean the junk out of my system. Breakfast will be a banana and some egg whites. I really want to stop eating added sugars and focus on eating more natural foods. I ate some ice cream yesterday-okay, like, a LOT of ice cream, and it totally did NOT agree with my stomach! not only did it cause my gallbladder to hurt, it made me all gassy and bloated. I guess I should either reduce, or just stop with the dairy products. It sucks, but these pains tell me I should probably stop.
I get my disbursement from school today so I'll have the money to buy myself specialized groceries. I have been waiting to do that for too long! In the past, when Adam and I got money, we'd splurge on eating out-like, a LOT. This time? I'm still going to splurge, but those splurges will be on healthy foods. It costs about the same to eat organic (actually, probably less) as it would to eat out. Dining out is expensive!
So, it's been 10 days of being wheat free. While that's not a LONG time, I still feel like I can work on cutting out added sugars. I'll be going back to school on Monday, so I'm going to buy a lunch bag and seriously work on preparing my own lunches. I know I can do this.
It's weird to say that every day at school during our little break time, we'd go to the local grocery store and totally get whatever, unplanned and everything! It's amazing! I can't believe how ill prepared I've been!
I am also excited to get back into "my" gym. I've been going as a guest with my brother and sister, but I miss my gym. I'll definitely have time next term, and since it will be my last term there, I better get as much use out of it as I can. My goal is to lose 25 pounds during Spring term. That will at least put me back to 'where I was' at about this time last year.
I can do this!
Friday, March 21, 2014
I was so happy to finally finish Winter term! I am officially on Spring break, but I still have to do some research relevant to my senior project. I can't believe I have about 85 days until I graduate! I started a count-down in my planner around the beginning of the term, so it's kind of neat to see the days go by and cross it off.
One thing I am finding I have more time for now is to write my resume, and start applying for work. I know that these processes can sometimes take months, so it would be really nice to have an interview lined up even in May or early June. Ideally (which it never works out this way) I'd have a job lined up about a week or two after I graduate. There are so many jobs available that I qualify for-thankfully now that I'll have a BA, my chances of qualifying go up too!
I keep thinking that I am competing with everyone else who just has a high school diploma or "some college", but then I remember-I'll have a full on 4-year degree! It's really exciting!
I know that I won't be making "bank", but it's certainly a hell of a lot better than if I didn't go to college at all.
One thing that I've noticed is that the application process is so long! There's a lot involved in writing out my history and all that stuff. It's really a lot of work just to find work!
As far as the wheat free thing goes, today is day 4 of not eating any wheat. I've still eaten some starches like potatoes and corn, but I haven't had anything with wheat in it.
I was kind of upset yesterday because my juicer broke. I was trying to juice some beets (they're good for the gallbladder) and the juice got mixed in with the pulp in the pulp catcher. I guess that means I'll just have to buy a better one-I'm thinking the Jack LaLanne power juicer. That's the one I originally wanted, but I didn't have that much money...I guess you get what you pay for. I barely had it for a year.
Anyway, I feel better, and will continue this lifestyle. The hardest part is figuring out what to eat but there's a lot of options.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
This is seriously really hard! It's difficult to just uproot my entire diet! Needless to say, I've stumbled quite a few times over the last three or four days! I've gone from being afraid to eat anything to the mentality of "aw, who cares, I've already got the stones anyway". Definitely not a good thing!
On top of all that, I'm trying to get my final essays done to complete Winter Term, and star the job application process (I know that these types of jobs can take months before even being granted an interview!) and staying sane at my parents' house! it's really tough! Not to mention, no one seemed to care that I can't eat half of what is being made at home ! Grrr
I'm at the school library right now trying to type out an MLA paper in Spanish about Christopher Columbus and Bartolome de la Casas...It's VERY hard considering it's not only in "old Spanish", but Spanish is my second language! It's been about an hour, and I've only written about a page! Luckily, this thing doesn't have to be LONG, just GOOD. I'm a good writer in English, so I'm hoping I can take that skill and make a good paper in Spanish. I have this same instructor my other Spanish class, and I got a 97 on a composition I did for that class.
I started reading the book "Wheat Belly". It's very interesting, and it kind of high lights things I already believed to be true about wheat. I know that there are a lot of people out there that would totally rip on me saying that "whole grains are fine" blah blah blah, but seriously, it's not the same wheat from even 50 years ago. it's genetically modified crap that makes you fatter and triggers your hunger. It's in just about EVERYTHING, so as unavoidable as it is, It's going to have to be done. I can't have it much anyway with these gallstones.
I feel like I was just kind of tossed out on my own regarding these gallstones. I wasn't given a list of thing to avoid, most of that was done through internet research. I know for a fact that red meats will actually hurt! It was made evident last night. I also know that any generally greasy foods do it (that's kind of obvious considering the gallstones are made of cholesterol).
I guess what I'm saying is I'm frustrated, feeling the pressure, and really wanting to eat something terrible for me! It's not going to happen though.
Gonna get back to my paper, get it done, and rid myself of this awful term. Next term will definitely be better (especially because it will be my last!)
Sunday, March 09, 2014
I have totally overhauled my diet, and I have to say, I feel much better. I don't have the pain that I was experiencing before.
On Friday, I went to the casino and the buffet with my fiance and his family. His sister was visiting from Illinois and we haven't seen her in over 2 years. I did very well and the only meat I ate was a small piece of chicken breast. I had a lot of veggies and a salad with light dressing. The only dessert I had was a piece of sugar free coconut cream pie. It felt amazing and I felt in control. It was awesome. On Saturday I went to the club for his mom's 50th birthday party. I had a blast! I decided that I was going to have a bacon cheeseburger and two cupcakes. I still stayed with a good calorie range, and luckily, I didn't feel any gallbladder pain. I was talking to my fiance's step mom and I guess the reason why it probably didn't hurt is because I'm not eating like that regularly. Basically what this means is that I can STILL have a cheat meal, but it can't be as frequently as I had been making them in the past. I can maybe eat that way maybe once a month. That's going to be my goal. My next cheat meal will be on my sister's birthday next month. Though oddly enough, the bacon cheeseburger didn't sit very well with me. While I didn't feel it in my gallbladder, I just felt overall kind of nauseated. I'm guessing it was probably due to the grease in the tater tots and burger and the white carbs. In fact, thinking about it, it wasn't really worth it.
I will say, it's only been about 6 days, but I've lost about 8 pounds of water weight. I have severely reduced my red meat intake, and I actually don't remember the last time (aside from last night in my cheeseburger) I had any diary. I feel a ton better, and it's interesting because I feel better on less. I didn't expect that to happen.
I haven't been exercising much, but If I'm eating far less than i was, I'm okay with that. I literally only exercised 2 days last week, and that's perfectly fine. If my brother decides to go to the gym, I'll go with him. If not, that's okay and I'll go for a walk or something.
In other news, I am starting my last week of Winter term tomorrow. I can't believe how quickly that went by! There is so much I have to do, and as much as I want to just slack off, I cannot. I have to actually keep my butt in the chair, and do what I have to in order to graduate. The goals of finding work are great and all, but none of that is going to happen if I don't graduate!
I guess what I'm most excited about is just washing my hands of this term. I really struggled in my upper division Spanish literature class! It was so hard that I'll be happy to walk out of that class with a C. That's saying something considering I've never gotten anything lower than a B-.
I said that I was going to start looking for work, but I've been kind of putting that off because of all the work I have to do. I guess that's kind of an excuse. it doesn't take that long to compose a resume. I should be getting all this term's stuff done so I can worry about continuing my research for next term, and actually start applying for jobs.
I'm starting to feel the crunch, but at least if i don't find a job immediately, I have a place to live, and my parents said that they'd let us live here as long as we need to-though I hope that's not TOO long! I can do this! I want to do this, and I absolutely HAVE to do this!
ALRIGHT! Going to the cafe' to do some homework! I've got this!
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