Friday, September 03, 2010
It's been a really good week :) Ate properly, exercised, painted my house, fixed the electrics (SO proud of that one...) AND.... put my flat on the market and started looking for a new place! Excitement. So, a good week off work, productive and relaxing, and I'm even sort of looking forward to going back to work on Monday- got lots of property viewings set up for next week and the week after, so plenty to distract from job stress.
I've also realised that although intellectually a relationship with Alex is not something I'd want, I'm still having problems making my mind up. Life isn't just an intellectual exercise, and feelings have to be taken into account as well... going to have to try to work this one out, could be challenging.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Hm. So, I've taken this week off work to relax and basically unwind from all the stress... and finish doing my house up, with the intention of putting it on the market and moving to a nicer town nearby. I took a couple of things to the postbox today, and on the way back ran into Alex, my ex. We had a brief chat and I left to go home. A few hours later, after the working day, I was happily painting away and there was a knock at my door... it was him again. Now, since I broke up with him ten months ago he's been in my house twice- once to pick up books when I was in hospital in Jan, and once to return some items in late March, so this was a little unexpected. He told me that he wants to get back together and how he loves and misses me... I didn't know what to say; yes, I've sort of missed him, but that's been vastly outweighed by everything else that's gone on- three brain surgeries, diminishing eyesight, increasing numbers of migraines, stress at work, family rubbish...
And that's not to say that when I was painting earlier, before I'd seen him, I wasn't thinking about him. Just sort of marvelling at the fact that if we'd not broken up last year, there's a good chance we'd be engaged by now and would certainly be living together. And I was comparing that to the thought that I wouldn't have got to see as much of my lovely friends, wouldn't have become such good friends with a couple of people at work (they were slightly put off before by the fact that I was with him- he's very... staid), probably wouldn't have fought so hard for the job title and wage rise at the beginning of the year, and probably wouldn't be in the potentially very positive position at work that I'm now in. So, sort of imagining how things could have been.
I think I know what I want; I'd rather know my own mind, have my own house and posessions, not have to compromise and, yes, be a little lonely sometimes. What Alex offers is pretty much just... social acceptability- my family don't think I'm weird for not having a boyfriend, I'd have someone to go to the pub etc with. I'm trying not to be bitter for the fact that he left me to get on with my illness on my own, and remember that I probably pushed him away some. I don't think I love him any more. Which is sad, and I really don't look forward to telling him that, but it's true.
On the bright side, diet and exercise carries on apace. Go me!
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Oh N*sync, how I miss you.
OK, so once again I'm picking myself back up and starting over. Only healthy food in the house, reacquainted with the lovely gym etc. Not feeling too great cause my favourite jeans don't fit and I feel fat in my work dresses.. but overall, y'know, things could be a lot worse. Yes, I'm 24lbs away from my goal weight of 140lbs, but this time last year I was a lot heavier- I'm 57lbs lighter than when I started with Spark 15 months ago. Yes, I've had to break out a pair of jeans from the stash of big clothes in the back of my closet, but I won't be in them for long- they're way too big anyway, I'm only wearing them cause they're comfortable...
So yes, things could be a lot worse. I'm not going to set myself any goals other than getting to 140lbs in a healthy way, with gym visits and healthy food. I do think I need to blog frequently, but won't put any frequency goal there. So, no pressure and plenty of healthiness, and I'll be fine
Monday, August 23, 2010
So, despite all the heartache and wrenching decisions to leave my current job and move to another account within my company- I've still not left. Why? Because my old account threw hissy fit after hissy fit and wouldn't let me leave to go to the new role. They eventually told me that if I could put together a comprehensive role profile that I wanted to do and which would benefit the account, I could stay on at my old account- and at the same time they gave me a pay rise. So I wrote a decent job, they ok'd it, and I'm staying at my old account. I'm not quite sure what to make of it... Yeah, I don't have to do my old job any more and yeah the new job will be fun, and I get to stay with my friends and the people I've come to love and respect over the 3 years of my career so far... but I also don't get to move in the company and expand my CV because of that, I don't get to see new customers and new ways of doing things, and the job I'm doing in the interim is not something I feel entirely comfortable doing. So... yes.
Typically with lots of stress my diet disintigrates into pizza and chocolate. And it has done. But purely due to the fact that I haven't been alone very much (been working!) and haven't therefore had much time to indulge, not too much damage has been done.
I did realise though... I've never actually seen eating as an emotional response. I've sort of viewed it intellectually as 'oh there must be a reason... what's likeliest?'. But over the past couple of days I've come to realise... when I feel bad, I have an emotional response which feels like pain. And because I don't seem to have any coping or release mechanisms there, I choose to try to achieve other sensations instead. At school (ok, 14+!) I went clubbing and got male attention as a foil to general anger at mistreatment. At uni, that attention thing didn't work so well, so I turned to food and eventually to cutting to cope with my general dissatisfaction and lack of self-esteem. Since graduating, it's been the same. In the recent past it's been all three (but not at the same time! I'm not totally crazy!) It's really not healthy.
The original point to writing a blog was to try and deal, Jillian-style, with the reasons for my weight gain. Although the severely scary lb numbers have retreated to the distant horizon, the causes for them have not- and that's something that needs to be addressed.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
So. I was due to leave my current account this week, starting at the new account next Tuesday; but yesterday my current account director told me that he'd spoken to my new account director and I was going to stay for at least another four weeks, due to the fact that there is no-one to do my old job and the bid I'm doing is business-critical. He then wandered off.
I feel very much taken advantage of. My new role is a promotion, doing something I enjoy, with more people under me, in a global account- my company's biggest account. The new account is in difficulty at the moment, losing money- but it's turning around. I'm under no illusions that the new role would be difficult, but my current role is not healthy for me. Being made to stay in my current role is stressful, unhealthy and detrimental to me- and I'm not getting anything in return for this; in fact I'm losing out by not going to the other role! I do feel great responsibility for my current account, I don't want it to fail and I don't want to be in any way responsible for the business suffering.
I'm not quite sure what to do. This can't continue.
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