Tuesday, December 13, 2011
2011 was a good year for me. I finally finished getting all of my licensing done (for ASHA and for the HPC in England) I ran in my second half marathon, but injured my ankle pretty badly in the process, and started having knee trouble as well. I didn't really manage to lose any weight this year... but I'm doing ok equalizing my gaining and losing.
I'm hoping to finish off the year at about 190. I'm hoping to have a wedding sometime in 2012, and I really want to look my best for the event... so I think that might be the motivation to get me truckin to really reach some of my goals. I'd like to lose another 40 pounds... that puts me at the halfway point right now (from my biggest, where I started back in 2008). I think I can do it. I know what I need to do, and I know it will work if I keep at it! I'm hoping that by spring break I'll be mostly there. I think I'll probably train for another half marathon starting in March too... so hopefully that'll coincide with the big plateau that will hit after 3 months of low calorie and elliptical machining.
2012 is going to be nuts...
Saturday, April 17, 2010
So, I know it seems contrived and cheesy, especially with the amount of Biggest Loser I've been watching... but I had a pretty huge breakthrough while running a few nights ago. It's not completely earth shattering, and I've known a lot of the bits and pieces of it for years, but have somehow not put this together in my head until now.
I think I finally know why I'm overweight. Sure an immensely crappy metabolism, love for high calorie food, and a twisted upbringing are easy answers, and I'm sure they play a role... but the truth is I've been sabotaging myself for years.
See, I know how to lose weight. I've done it successfully several times. I know I have the willpower and the motivation to get through it. I know I can go exercise every day, and that I can say "no thanks" to all of the tasty temptations that come my way (for a time). But what happens is, as soon as I lose enough weight that I start to see or feel the difference, I have an extremely hard time staying the course. Dieting is hard, but continuing to diet once I've started to see change is the hardest part for me.
This became most apparent last summer when I lost a lot of weight, ultimately going from a size 18 to a size 12 (to be fair, the summer I started at a 16, as I had lost down to the 16 in the previous year). I don't know if this makes sense, but as I became smaller I felt more exposed and like I was walking around without my security blanket. The closest thing I can relate it to is kind of like the feeling you get when you first wear shorts and a tank top after a long long long winter, and you feel kind of exposed, and (at least me) highly uncomfortable in your skin. It's hard to let go of the weight. I think I also associate being heavy pretty deeply with my identity. It's a part of my identity that I absolutely HATE, but for the most part, it's been a part of who I am since 6th grade, or so I was told, and so I believed. Change is very hard for me, and losing that part of my identity, even though I hate that part of myself, is still change, and therefor hard.
And finally, I use being overweight as an excuse for soooo many things. And losing that security is kind of scary. When people don't want to dance with me, I blame it on being big. When I don't get invited to things that everybody else seems to be invited to, I blame it on being big. When I'm in a social group, and everybody is talking with each other, and ignoring me completely I blame it on being big. The list goes on and on like that... ultimately it comes down to I don't think I'm worth as much as other people because of my weight. I realize this is complete nonsense, but you have to understand that these aren't things that I tell myself, these are things that I've inherently believed without actually even being aware that it's what I've believed. Hence this being a breakthrough.
So, now that I've figured these things out, I'm not quite sure what to do with it. I'm hoping that it'll make sticking to my current "getting back in shape" kick a bit easier, but I'm not sure that it will. Just cause you're aware of something, it doesn't mean it'll go away. But I'm going to continue to meditate on it and figure out what my next step will be. For the meantime, I'm going to see if I can be ok with dropping my next 20 lbs, which I'm hoping to do by England time (though at the rate the scale is moving right now, I'll be lucky to lose 5-10... it's going sooooo slow... but I'm trying not to give up).
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
So, as I've said in recent posts, I've been exercising a lot lately. It's been a great way of dealing with stress and stuff! (though it is really hard to find time in my 65+ hours of work a week, I'm still managing it! go me!)
The scale is moving very very slowly, but at least it is moving again, so that pleases me.
But even more so, I noticed today that my jeans are significantly looser on me. This is easy for me to tell, since I really only get to wear jeans on Wednesdays. I've reached the point with this size where I have to wear a belt to avoid the constant yanking up of my pants, but they aren't quite loose enough yet where they look oddly baggy. I'm really hoping that this means that soon, very soon, I'll be ready to head down to the 14s!!!!!
This is really exciting for me. My average size, historically (before Tony made me fat :P) was always a 13-14. There were times when I lost weight and thought I looked really good, and then I wore a size 12. When I would gain a little, I would have to move up to 16s. At my biggest I was wearing a very very tight 18. So getting close to being a 13-14 pants size means that I am finally getting back down to my typical weight. My ultimate goal would be to be somewhere between a size 10 and 12, but in my mind a 13-14 is average-overweight, where as 16s are quite overweight, and 18s+ are well, obese. The BMI chart is not as nice about this for me (please keep in mind that these are sizes for *my* body, which correspond to weight for me. I've known very thin healthy people to be a size 13-14 and weighing about 30 pounds less than me. I hold my weight well) the BMI chart pretty much as me as "overweight" in a size 12, and "obese" in 14s, and "morbidly obese" in 16s+. I disagree with them. Anyways, this is all getting very technical, and kinda boring I know. So I will paragraph jump to make my point.
Even though the scale is still saying I'm at a totally unacceptable weight (for me), I'm starting to be the size I'd like to be. I'm sure that muscle and age plays a role in the number, and this is a very good example about how the scale on the number can sometimes be meaningless. By the end of this week it's possible that my pants will be a little tighter again (as I'm going to enjoy myself this weekend and not give too much thought to "dieting") but I'm hopeful that I'll get back on track, and reach wearing a size 14 by this summer, and maybe, just maybe I'll get down to a 12 by next fall. That would make me so oober happy! Just gotta keep getting that exercise in!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Day 2 met at 1500 calories. It was close...but I'm over-calculating, since my lunch was home made chicken noodle soup, and have NO idea how many calories are in it! I had a good deal of soup (maybe 3 cups worth...3.5?) so I guestimated on how much that was, but I know it's healthy. I cooked it all from scratch, including the broth. SO it has chicken, water, carrots, celery, onion, whole grain noodles, and various seasonings.
Monday, October 13, 2008
I'm tired of the not being back on track. Stupid school and life being hard. It feels like food is the only thing I have to look forward to anymore...but I'm going to try to make this work, gorramit.
So, I've decided that since I keep trying to jump in head first, I'm going to set a small goal for myself, and then go from there.
This goal is to go 20 days in a row of meeting my calorie goals. I'd also like to meet my exercise goals...but I've got a sprained ankle, so I'll cut myself some slack there.
Day one: 1340 calories- good
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