Wednesday, October 02, 2013
It really seems to hit only when I'm in the planning stage and during the first few days of the implementation stage of eating healthy.
It's the constant hum in my head as I drive around town... ooh, there's a Dunkin' Donuts, I could get a bagel... Mickie D's, just a dollar menu sandwich... 7eleven has pizza slices... or just grab some chips & dip?
That all this is going through my head at 8 in the morning, when I'm only a few minutes away from home where I can eat a filling, nutritious breakfast is besides the point. My only saving grace was that I was still in my pajamas (having just dropped the kids off at school) and the line at the drive-thru was long.
Skip forward a few hours and the hum continues. How can I make something completely bad for me out of all the healthy ingredients I stocked up on this past Monday? Yesterday afternoon (after lots of good choices) I found myself eating 3 pieces of my husband's white bread, toasted & slathered with butter, just for the sheer sensation of it. I ended the day with more good choices than bad, but still!
And speaking of Monday, while I was at the store buying all of these gorgeous vegetables & fruits for my juicer, I grabbed a tube of Pringles on the way to the checkout & managed to eat the entire thing on my way home. Wasn't hungry, but even getting ready for my fresh start on Tuesday there was a part of me scanning my surroundings for junk... salty, savory, high fat, raise my bloodpressure JUNK.
So, one minute at a time, I'm trying to push through. I'm trying to be forgiving of myself, I'm trying not to listen to the hum. It will pass...
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Today's assignment from spark people, how I feel in 5 words or less:
anxious, tired, determined, driven, satisfied
Kind of a mixed bag I know, so worth exploring a bit further.
Anxious: Money & food are big issues right now- money for the basic reason that I don't have any, food because I'm caught up in worrying about the eating plan in SparkSolutions. I've managed to read through the menu and the shopping list, but that's about it. It's like there's a little bird in my mind, throwing itself mindlessly against it's cage, "it's too much, I can't do it right, I should just give up, no, no no..." not fun. I haven't given in to it, I'm a grown woman & I CAN make healthy changes even if I'm not perfect. Really...
Tired: Thyroid meds have been out for the last 3 days. Mon & Tues were OK, but this morning I felt like the walking dead. Woke up, ate, fell back into bed for 2 hours. I was so tired that I could barely pick up the phone to call my doctor & pharmacy to get things fixed. It's a real mess, I've lost 3 doctors in the last year, and I didn't even get a chance to meet the last one before she left. The new doctor doesn't come on board for another 3 weeks, and my med refill fell between the cracks. But I am...
Determined: I DID call my doctor, I'm getting an emergency supply this afternoon. I also forced myself on the stationary bike, even at a snails pace, just to get my body awake & moving. It took about 10 minutes to wake up, at which point I started pushing myself for another 15. A quick cool down & I moved on to light strength training, because why the heck not? Even if my thyroid doesn't want to cooperate, I can still prove to myself that I'm not dead!
Driven: I'm still working to make these positive changes, despite what seems to be a mountain of obstacles in my way.
Satisfied: Today I made progress ... I can only keep moving forward.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Most people who know me probably don't think of me as a control freak- I tend towards laid back, easy going, roll with the punches kind of coping. Except when I don't...
I became weight conscious in high school, when I was tall (5'9"), willowy, with a nice hourglass going on. People commented on my body, praised me for my shape. I didn't do anything, mind you. I snuck junk food whenever I could get it, I didn't exercise, and I KNEW that I had nothing to do with that shape that everyone liked so much. So in my mind, it was inevitable that the fat would come, that it would creep over my body, insidious and unstoppable. So I went from 115 to 117 my freshman year of high school, I went on a diet. Rice cakes, carrot sticks, sound familiar? Blech!
It didn't last- I like food & flavor too much to deprive myself for long. By junior year I was 135 (still on the nice, low end of my weight range especially at 16 years old), but I was soft. A little up, a little down, started college at 125 & gained the freshman 15 by binging whenever I could.
I joined a "diet" bet at my summer resort job after freshman year; I was in OK shape, not fat, but figured I could use the discipline- get caught with a pastry or junk food, pay a dollar. By the end of the summer, I was buying bags of chips, small pizzas, raiding the leftover pastries like mad, and hiding it all in my room where I ate myself sick... I'd throw out the half finished chips, only to dig them out of my trash the next day & finish them... ugh.
I learned something that summer. It took me many years of chronic binging to really apply it, but I learned that when I made something forbidden, it became irresistable. Moreover, it became a weapon of guilt, spurring even more binges as punishment events, with purging thrown in for good measure.
So I stopped. NOTHING forbidden. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted, without guilt. No binging, no purging. Just acceptance. Of course, despite some portion moderation (so as not to trigger a full binge or purge), my emotional eating and the lovely addition of Hashimoto's Thyroiditus continued to add to my frame... I just didn't feel out of control. In fact, you might say I very deliberately added calories on a regular basis, which might be considered the ultimate control.
It got to the point when even the suggestion of weight loss success, or restriction, would send me into a panic. No diet could tell me what to do, I had to do it my way or no way.
Sometimes my way worked, and the times when I truly didn't obsess about food and was doing some regular exercise found me stable around 170, a perfect size 14, curvy in the right places...
But emotional eating & thyroid issues continued to impact me, and over the last 7 years I've gained 40 lbs- heck, in the last 3 years, I've gained 23. My joints ache. My clothes don't fit. I have a double chin... I'm 15 lbs heavier than my highest pregnancy weight (11 years ago), with no new life to show for it!
And yet, I refuse to give up control. I read a reasonable, flexible eating plan like Spark Solutions, and my knee jerk reaction is "but they can't tell me what to eat"... even though it incorporates the changes I've been trying to make for months in a simple, tasty formula.
So my life-saving solution to binge eating 10 years ago is now a stone around my neck. No one, not even myself, is allowed to impose control over what I eat, because I might trigger a binge.
Except there is no outside force to rebel against. Just myself, and my attempt to love, nurture, and heal the body I've been given.
It's time to surrender control.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Strong, active, beautiful, loving, smart!
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Emotional, bloated, blue, huge boobs
Get An Email Alert Each Time SPRING1973 Posts