SPRING1973   20,135
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SPRING1973's Recent Blog Entries

It's a certain kind of crazy...

Wednesday, October 02, 2013

It really seems to hit only when I'm in the planning stage and during the first few days of the implementation stage of eating healthy.

It's the constant hum in my head as I drive around town... ooh, there's a Dunkin' Donuts, I could get a bagel... Mickie D's, just a dollar menu sandwich... 7eleven has pizza slices... or just grab some chips & dip?

That all this is going through my head at 8 in the morning, when I'm only a few minutes away from home where I can eat a filling, nutritious breakfast is besides the point. My only saving grace was that I was still in my pajamas (having just dropped the kids off at school) and the line at the drive-thru was long.

Skip forward a few hours and the hum continues. How can I make something completely bad for me out of all the healthy ingredients I stocked up on this past Monday? Yesterday afternoon (after lots of good choices) I found myself eating 3 pieces of my husband's white bread, toasted & slathered with butter, just for the sheer sensation of it. I ended the day with more good choices than bad, but still!

And speaking of Monday, while I was at the store buying all of these gorgeous vegetables & fruits for my juicer, I grabbed a tube of Pringles on the way to the checkout & managed to eat the entire thing on my way home. Wasn't hungry, but even getting ready for my fresh start on Tuesday there was a part of me scanning my surroundings for junk... salty, savory, high fat, raise my bloodpressure JUNK.

So, one minute at a time, I'm trying to push through. I'm trying to be forgiving of myself, I'm trying not to listen to the hum. It will pass...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

COCK-ROBIN 10/2/2013 10:26PM

    You can do it, and you're right, it will pass.

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ANGELFMABV 10/2/2013 8:50PM

    emoticon emoticon

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FITMARY 10/2/2013 8:00PM

    This will DEFINITELY pass. Keep ignoring that hum. You WILL get on the other side of it!!!
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BARCLE 10/2/2013 4:39PM

    emoticon I find that happens to me too - I'm off out for a walk soon and am sure that will help me combat the hum emoticon

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CHOCOHIPPO 10/2/2013 1:52PM

    It's one day, one hour, one minute, one bite...at a time.

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ELIZABETHBECK1 10/2/2013 12:24PM

    HUGS! emoticon

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5 Words or MORE 8/21/13

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Today's assignment from spark people, how I feel in 5 words or less:

anxious, tired, determined, driven, satisfied

Kind of a mixed bag I know, so worth exploring a bit further.

Anxious: Money & food are big issues right now- money for the basic reason that I don't have any, food because I'm caught up in worrying about the eating plan in SparkSolutions. I've managed to read through the menu and the shopping list, but that's about it. It's like there's a little bird in my mind, throwing itself mindlessly against it's cage, "it's too much, I can't do it right, I should just give up, no, no no..." not fun. I haven't given in to it, I'm a grown woman & I CAN make healthy changes even if I'm not perfect. Really...

Tired: Thyroid meds have been out for the last 3 days. Mon & Tues were OK, but this morning I felt like the walking dead. Woke up, ate, fell back into bed for 2 hours. I was so tired that I could barely pick up the phone to call my doctor & pharmacy to get things fixed. It's a real mess, I've lost 3 doctors in the last year, and I didn't even get a chance to meet the last one before she left. The new doctor doesn't come on board for another 3 weeks, and my med refill fell between the cracks. But I am...

Determined: I DID call my doctor, I'm getting an emergency supply this afternoon. I also forced myself on the stationary bike, even at a snails pace, just to get my body awake & moving. It took about 10 minutes to wake up, at which point I started pushing myself for another 15. A quick cool down & I moved on to light strength training, because why the heck not? Even if my thyroid doesn't want to cooperate, I can still prove to myself that I'm not dead!

Driven: I'm still working to make these positive changes, despite what seems to be a mountain of obstacles in my way.

Satisfied: Today I made progress ... I can only keep moving forward.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

COCK-ROBIN 8/22/2013 12:03AM

    Wonderful!

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CHOCOHIPPO 8/21/2013 9:38PM

    Wow! Good for you.

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ANGELFMABV 8/21/2013 6:27PM

    You did an awesome job with your assignment and you! Keep up the great work!

Comment edited on: 8/21/2013 6:28:09 PM

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LALMEIDA 8/21/2013 2:19PM

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I didn't know I was a control freak... are you one too?

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Most people who know me probably don't think of me as a control freak- I tend towards laid back, easy going, roll with the punches kind of coping. Except when I don't...

I became weight conscious in high school, when I was tall (5'9"), willowy, with a nice hourglass going on. People commented on my body, praised me for my shape. I didn't do anything, mind you. I snuck junk food whenever I could get it, I didn't exercise, and I KNEW that I had nothing to do with that shape that everyone liked so much. So in my mind, it was inevitable that the fat would come, that it would creep over my body, insidious and unstoppable. So I went from 115 to 117 my freshman year of high school, I went on a diet. Rice cakes, carrot sticks, sound familiar? Blech!

It didn't last- I like food & flavor too much to deprive myself for long. By junior year I was 135 (still on the nice, low end of my weight range especially at 16 years old), but I was soft. A little up, a little down, started college at 125 & gained the freshman 15 by binging whenever I could.

I joined a "diet" bet at my summer resort job after freshman year; I was in OK shape, not fat, but figured I could use the discipline- get caught with a pastry or junk food, pay a dollar. By the end of the summer, I was buying bags of chips, small pizzas, raiding the leftover pastries like mad, and hiding it all in my room where I ate myself sick... I'd throw out the half finished chips, only to dig them out of my trash the next day & finish them... ugh.

I learned something that summer. It took me many years of chronic binging to really apply it, but I learned that when I made something forbidden, it became irresistable. Moreover, it became a weapon of guilt, spurring even more binges as punishment events, with purging thrown in for good measure.

So I stopped. NOTHING forbidden. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted, without guilt. No binging, no purging. Just acceptance. Of course, despite some portion moderation (so as not to trigger a full binge or purge), my emotional eating and the lovely addition of Hashimoto's Thyroiditus continued to add to my frame... I just didn't feel out of control. In fact, you might say I very deliberately added calories on a regular basis, which might be considered the ultimate control.

It got to the point when even the suggestion of weight loss success, or restriction, would send me into a panic. No diet could tell me what to do, I had to do it my way or no way.

Sometimes my way worked, and the times when I truly didn't obsess about food and was doing some regular exercise found me stable around 170, a perfect size 14, curvy in the right places...

But emotional eating & thyroid issues continued to impact me, and over the last 7 years I've gained 40 lbs- heck, in the last 3 years, I've gained 23. My joints ache. My clothes don't fit. I have a double chin... I'm 15 lbs heavier than my highest pregnancy weight (11 years ago), with no new life to show for it!

And yet, I refuse to give up control. I read a reasonable, flexible eating plan like Spark Solutions, and my knee jerk reaction is "but they can't tell me what to eat"... even though it incorporates the changes I've been trying to make for months in a simple, tasty formula.

So my life-saving solution to binge eating 10 years ago is now a stone around my neck. No one, not even myself, is allowed to impose control over what I eat, because I might trigger a binge.

Except there is no outside force to rebel against. Just myself, and my attempt to love, nurture, and heal the body I've been given.

It's time to surrender control.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LORIVIOLA 2/22/2014 9:18AM

    emoticon

IT'S A DIFFICULT JOURNEY.

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WOOFERCOALBOY 2/12/2014 7:26PM

    Control turns into self-control.

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TERRIJ7 2/6/2014 2:26PM

    Love and appreciate your honesty. Can relate to much of what you wrote. Hope things are going better now.

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CATNCAG 12/10/2013 12:41PM

    emoticon emoticon

I feel your pain. I am 42 & have been overweight since 1st grade! When I started this, my final weight lose journey, I weighed my highest at 470! I've lost 60 pounds so far. The difference is this time, "I will never quit no matter what life throws at me! This is my life long journey & I will never regain all of the weight I've lost maybe a few pounds here & there & get it right back of again when this happens."

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GODDREAMDIVA1 10/18/2013 2:51PM

    emoticon

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GRAMPIAN 9/29/2013 5:10AM

  Acknowledging the problem is half the battle. emoticon

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ALIDOSHA 9/4/2013 6:14PM

    emoticon you know WHAT and HOW to do!

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FRABBIT 9/3/2013 8:22PM

  Very well written. You can do it!

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KITTYKRS 9/3/2013 3:51PM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon

I ssaw a lot of myself in your blog. Thank you for the eye opener!

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WHITEANGEL4 8/29/2013 11:40PM

    Great blog...relived some of my steps along the way

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MISSLISA1973 8/29/2013 5:55PM

    emoticon

emoticon Lisa

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G33K10V3 8/27/2013 8:20AM

    I'm coming from the other side of the spectrum. I can't remember ever weighing less than 200 pounds and after I had my daughter at age 20 and went on a couple of medications (paxil and the depo shot for birth control) I gained and gained and gained. My depressed lifestyle didn't help AT ALL.
It took me ten years to see that I really need to get a handle on it, which I am doing slowly but surely.
Binge eating has ALWAYS been a problem for me and I used to NEVER check the nutrition information on anything I stuffed into my face. What a mistake.
Going on diets and refusing myself things only made it worse. Now I finally GET IT.
Control my portions, EXERCIZE, count calories and fat and just own it.
Thank you for sharing your story and even though mine is different in a lot of ways I totally can relate to you.
Good luck to you and here is to getting what you want in the end! emoticon

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LORNE67 8/26/2013 1:10PM

    emoticon emoticon I was naturally thin till I developed ulcer of colitis at 28. My weight takes big ups and downs before and after surgery. A few years later, there came Crohnes Disease. When on a flare, I lose like crazy. When medicine is working, I have to watch what I eat or the pounds will fly on again. I was never over 200 until I hit 40. Now almost 6 years later, I am still working to get under 200 so I feel better.

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SWAN47 8/25/2013 11:43PM

    I wish you success in your journey and a healthy relationship with food.

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ILOVEROSES 8/25/2013 5:46AM

    emoticon

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SHANNONY84 8/24/2013 9:35AM

    Incredible blog! I am a control freak as well!

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LEEW0LF 8/22/2013 2:46PM

  you have just described me to a T. including the thyroid issues. and you are right it is time to stop the control issues and stop rebelling against what could really help me achieve my goals. thanks for making me realize what I've been doing!

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FREEJAMWILL1 8/22/2013 1:16PM

    Good Luck

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IRENE1955 8/22/2013 7:43AM

  keep going, good luck

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ASCIESZKA 8/22/2013 2:30AM

    emoticon

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AUSTRALIA55 8/21/2013 10:05PM

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SUPERSYLPH 8/21/2013 10:47AM

    Great blog! Thanks for sharing!

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BECCA315 8/21/2013 6:15AM

    Thanks for sharing. What is it about putting something off limits that makes us crave it even more? I have surrendered to the SP way of life, most of the time... It happened when I finally realized that my way of eating was going to slowly kill me. I guess we all have to admit things to ourselves that aren't nice.

Becca

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LYNCHD05 8/21/2013 12:47AM

    This was Avery good blog. So not what I expected when I read the title. You seem to,have a good handle on the real you. I wish you great success.

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SEAJESS 8/20/2013 7:55PM

    Isn't it funny that we are most out of control when we're refusing to surrender it? For me it's less like surrendering control and more like acknowledging what I can't control.

Whatever works!

Thanks for your honest, brave story. I have faith that emoticon !

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MARYJEANSL 8/20/2013 6:50PM

  It's tough - I've btdt with an eating disorder, too. But you can do it - best wishes to you!

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JRRING 8/20/2013 5:43PM

  emoticon

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THOMS1 8/20/2013 9:07AM

    Great blog. I too had to give up my control over food and follow the experts. I tend to stay away from my trigger foods because I have found they just make me hungrier and that in it self just makes me throw caution to the wind. Now, I tend to eat healthier foods like brown rice, black beans, turkey burgers, veggie burgers, chicken burgers and root veggies. Of course we still go out to dinner occasionally (not every week) I still have a good dessert (also not every week) but I guess what I am trying to say is just give yourself a chance and try it. You won't starve and when you begin to see results you will be more motivated. emoticon

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ELINTY 8/20/2013 8:40AM

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SPEEDY143 8/20/2013 2:40AM

    emoticon incite emoticon

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NUOVAELLE 8/20/2013 1:56AM

    I always enjoy an honest blog like this one. But I look at your thoughts and feelings from a different point of view. I don't think that you're about to surrender control. You're about to get control back from your control freak self. The logic in the sensible part of yourself has made you realize that having total control over what you eat has made you lose control over other aspects of your life. So, why not find the balance? Nothing needs to be forbidden at a balanced way of life.
I'm wishing you the best of luck!
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CORNERKICK 8/20/2013 1:28AM

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BLUEJEAN99 8/20/2013 1:13AM

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ILIKETOZUMBA 8/19/2013 10:34PM

    That was FASCINATING - a really interesting, different perspective on bingeing and eating control than I've read before. People struggle with food in so many different ways! No wonder there's no easy fix with weight problems...plus thyroid issues just flat-out suck. Thank you so much for sharing all that - I feel like I really learned something and expanded my awareness of how disordered eating patterns can manifest. And congrats to you for doing all that intensive self-analysis and being so thoughtful about your personal struggles! It seems like you are definitely on the right track, so yaayyy!! :)

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JAMER123 8/19/2013 10:22PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
I never had problems with weight in high school. I am a farm kid and was involved in sports. We ate like kings and queens to keep the body's fuel tanks from going empty. I really didn't have any issues until I had kids. But I didn't binge and purge, just ate like I was still working on the farm!! Food tastes so good!!

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CLAYARTIST 8/19/2013 10:18PM

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PAULINE1123 8/19/2013 10:05PM

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FAIRERHIANNON 8/19/2013 9:59PM

    it takes courage to sit down and look at your behavior like that.

just take one day at a time.

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JUNEAU2010 8/19/2013 9:48PM

    emoticon emoticon

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SABLENESS 8/19/2013 9:46PM

    Good honest blog. emoticon emoticon

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J2740LOU 8/19/2013 9:14PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon What a self analysis! We're all behind you all the way!

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LADYWRITER09 8/19/2013 9:06PM

    Oh my... I can so relate to this. I wish you the best of luck!

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CHRIS3874 8/19/2013 8:58PM

    emoticon

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SLRASSLL 8/19/2013 8:18PM

    I applaud you! How amazing it is to learn to know yourself so well! I can only imagine that this is the first of many steps forward to success!
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SUSIEMT 8/19/2013 7:26PM

    I may be a control freak about somethings but not with my food. I had to give up all control and admit that I was a failure at losing weight and dieting. I know absolutely nothing about nutrition and fitness. I said okay, Spark is the expert I will do what they say. Hey! it's worked for me. I have lost approx. 155 lbs.

Good luck! Just say for this hour I will give up control and do what the spark experts say. Or for one second at a time!


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PATRICIAANN46 8/19/2013 6:43PM

  YOU can definitely do this.............I wish you the emoticon

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LITTLEBRUNO 8/19/2013 6:19PM

    emoticon

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SPARKBJOK 8/19/2013 6:08PM

    Great!

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WINNIE-POOH 8/19/2013 5:32PM

    Are you reading my mai? I could have written this.

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TERMITEMOM 8/19/2013 5:04PM

    emoticon emoticon

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New 5 word challenge, per CHANGE4FIT

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Strong, active, beautiful, loving, smart!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SABLENESS 8/18/2013 9:03AM

    Like! Mine: Capable, Determined, Persistent, Healthy, Bookaholic!

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PATTYKLAVER 8/18/2013 8:29AM

    I love it! I may borrow this and add the word "smile". Have a good week.

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GHOSTFLAMES 8/18/2013 7:54AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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5 words or less (spark coach assignment)

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Emotional, bloated, blue, huge boobs

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JLEMUS1 8/13/2013 12:11PM

    WOW, think positive!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CHANGE4FIT 8/13/2013 10:04AM

    Ok, here's another challenge-find 5 positive words, they are there, dig deep and give yourself 5 positive words. Remember to talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone else-sort of like the Golden Rule for self care. Here's 2 to get you start-looking at your spark page I see a beautiful smile!
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DARJR50 8/13/2013 7:52AM

  sounds serious

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