Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Well, calorie and exercise wise, I checked out a few months ago... I've been exercising, but not as dilligently, and I haven't been eating like a cow - but not a saint either but then 1 1/2 months ago or so - I TOTALLY fell off the wagon when I more or less stopped visiting Spark. I haven't gained weight - maybe I've lost even a pound, but that's not the point. It's not the same. I wanted to be down to my first goal weight by August - that's unrealistic now. So how do I do it? I do I get back into it? I just don't know... usually I get back into it after things have gone totally awry. Nothing is really wrong right now. Why do I need things to get so bad in order to make them better? What is it about humans in general that we wait for that fall first?
In any case today I'm putting my best foot forward and giving it a try. I'm blogging, visiting friends, renewing my leadership for BF mommas - and I hope that today will mark the beginning of the rest of my journey.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Right now things are going pretty well for me. I feel balanced. I don't feel panicked about exercising or not exercising enough and the same goes for food. We're dealing with the ongoing pretty well, and overall I hope things are looking up!
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Than when your heart is broken by your children. And believe me, I've gone out with enough men and thought I was in love often enough to know this - no pain is comparable. You walk around with that child in your belly for 9 months and then suffer pain no man can ever know in order to reap the joys of their lives melding with your own. But they are part of you, and so just as painful and joyous as that birth is is how painfully painful it is to suffer when they suffer, or when they want you to suffer (even unconsciously) ... no other heart break is comparable then the heart break you endure when you cope with your own. I know this because I've been coping for 7 years. And any woman who was ever pregnant knows this too, for sure - whether she has children or not.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Dear friends, I need help. Here's the situation:
When DS was first born and for 2 1/2 years, my husband and I fought bitterly. I won't go into details (because you'll get a better taste for it anyway in a minute), but suffice it to say, it was virtually unbareable and I have no idea why I stayed.
Now we've enjoyed 4 1/2 sweet years together, including difficult times - TOGETHER - raising DS, giving birth to DD - it's all been great.
7 months ago life got hard and we got distant - but not angry, so I've been waiting for life to improve knowing that it will and knowing that we'd come out on the otherside of things alright as well.
1 1/2 months ago, DH started cleaing the house for Passover. This is always something that separates between us b/c he's a litle crazy about the whole thing, but I'm used to holding my breath and waiting for Passover to start - when he can sit down and relax finally, and calm down.
1 month ago, DH started to quit smoking wht a new prescription plan they offered us here. The problem is - it's takes away the physiological addiction - but not the psychological addiction. Add that to his generally high-stress personality and the cleaning period - not a pleasant combination.
I'm still holding my breath ... he makes snide remarks, I ignore or answer gently - I'm doing my best.
But it's not going away. He just keeps getting more and more irritable, and I keep getting more and more sensitive and when I get too sensitive - I try to fight back and then the fights explode.
Two nights ago, my son asked why we got married if we fight all the time. YUCK! He would NEVER have asked that question 1 year ago. I wanted to cry.
Last night we fought about my Hebrew fluency, and ice cream cones (he's a native, I'm not). It sounds crazy, and it probably is. But it started b/c he was angry that I didn't understnad something - instead of explaining, he got angrier. Then it turned into a fight about how he could have explained it (when I understood it finally, I offered an alternative definition to his "after 10 years here, you're still so dumb" comment). The deeper we got, the more he insisted that I always ahve to be right, and the more he reverted to using derregotaries to describe me. The children were asleep - all of us in the car. Then he turned it into my fault b/c I described him as "mean" in his language and the children could here me calling him mean, which is why they come to my defense (often, when they're awake). Then I was in the position of having to apologize to him and to this second he hasn't apologized for the fact that he's so crazy lately, and so mean, and that he's looking for fights.
I'm going crazy.
How do I survive this? How do I take a deep enough breath in order to wait untl we get to the other side of whatever it is that's really driving him to act this unbearable. I can't survive 2 1/2 years of it - I just can't.
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Ok people. Since I was PMSing for SO long I thought i was imagining things - hence my blog from yesterday. Then last night I was overwhelmed suddenly with fierce pain and - well, TOM came. So, now we have an explanation for it all.
What's so frustrating this time is that it was an entire 1 1/2 weeks of PMS!!! AND on top of it all some other road blocks that I'm having LOTS of trouble getting past, or coping with:
- Spring cleaning in my house is like moving apartments. That's how it is for many Jews. That's how it is for us. Have you ever tried losing weight while moving apartments? Almost impossible.
- Since I clean until late it makes me rather exhilirated at night (not enough to exercise at night though) and EXHAUSTED in the mornign!
- Add to that a baby that recently has been inexplicably cranky - so she doesn't sleep through the night.
- STRESS - I'm FREAKING about the menus for Passover. This is 8 solid days of NO bread, NO cereal - what's a girl to do? On a low fiber day, I jack it up with Branflakes. Not on Passover. YIKES!!
- So, I'm exhausted and haven't successfully gotten out of bed even once this week to exercise. I'm pissed, and frumpy and yucky and greasy.
All suggestions are welcome, of course.
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