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SPINNINGRACHEL's Recent Blog Entries

Still trying hard to get back on the saddle

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Well, calorie and exercise wise, I checked out a few months ago... I've been exercising, but not as dilligently, and I haven't been eating like a cow - but not a saint either but then 1 1/2 months ago or so - I TOTALLY fell off the wagon when I more or less stopped visiting Spark. I haven't gained weight - maybe I've lost even a pound, but that's not the point. It's not the same. I wanted to be down to my first goal weight by August - that's unrealistic now. So how do I do it? I do I get back into it? I just don't know... usually I get back into it after things have gone totally awry. Nothing is really wrong right now. Why do I need things to get so bad in order to make them better? What is it about humans in general that we wait for that fall first?

In any case today I'm putting my best foot forward and giving it a try. I'm blogging, visiting friends, renewing my leadership for BF mommas - and I hope that today will mark the beginning of the rest of my journey.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHOSH770 7/28/2009 8:46PM

    I just saw this now and I hope you don't mind if I comment. I was just hearing something in a lecture which seems to apply. The idea is that sometimes you need a descent for the purposes of an ascent (or in Hebrew, yerida tzorech aliyah) so hopefully you're only going upwards from here on out!

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TELERIE 7/7/2009 9:19AM

    I'm an advocate for "Back to Basics" from time to time - it really works to reignite the spark! We CAN and we WILL!! HELL YEAH!
And say I WILL, not I'll TRY - trying leaves room for failure, and you cannot fail if you never give up.

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JBMT08 7/7/2009 9:07AM

    What really matters here is the fact that you identified that you were spiraling, and you are now taking CONTROL! The first step is always the hardest EVERY TIME. With you visiting your Spark Friends, and becoming again with SP, I am sure you will be on your way sooner rather than later, and all will work out! It doesnt matter when you get to the ultimate goal. It matters that you take active steps towards it! WE CAN DO THIS!!!

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NOTASHAMED 7/7/2009 9:07AM

    I feel off for a while as well. I decided to make July my get back on track month. Remember that even though you may not make your original goal, you can make new ones! I've been using sparkpeople since January to lose weight, and I expected to have lost a lot more weight over the last 6 months. (I've lost 25lbs.) I think of the positive rather than the negative. Instead of thinking, "man it took me 6 months to lose 25 lbs." I tell myself, "I am half way to my goal!" If you feel off the wagon for a while, but didn't gain any weight, in my opinion that's an accomplishment!

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LFLFLPLP 7/7/2009 3:04AM

    That is so true about things having to be bad sometimes to make a real change. Mine was when my husband lost his job at the end of the year. It is crazy that it works that way sometimes. But now we know so we can change that.

So your goal date may change, so what! We can still finish out 2009 great! Let's do it!!!

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Doin' just fine

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Right now things are going pretty well for me. I feel balanced. I don't feel panicked about exercising or not exercising enough and the same goes for food. We're dealing with the ongoing pretty well, and overall I hope things are looking up!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AKATUJE 5/27/2009 3:41AM

    i am glad for you. and your new profile picture is beautiful. God bless you and have a wonderful week.

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Nothing is more painful...

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Than when your heart is broken by your children. And believe me, I've gone out with enough men and thought I was in love often enough to know this - no pain is comparable. You walk around with that child in your belly for 9 months and then suffer pain no man can ever know in order to reap the joys of their lives melding with your own. But they are part of you, and so just as painful and joyous as that birth is is how painfully painful it is to suffer when they suffer, or when they want you to suffer (even unconsciously) ... no other heart break is comparable then the heart break you endure when you cope with your own. I know this because I've been coping for 7 years. And any woman who was ever pregnant knows this too, for sure - whether she has children or not.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    Thank you!

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    I hear you! My son (3.5) is so wonderful, and SO challenging. What hurts me even more is when I know that my faults as a parent are to blame for his outburts. But each day is an opportunity to do better. Hang in there!

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AKIASNANNY 4/26/2009 1:08PM

    Your post jumped off the page at me this morning as I was tracking my exercise. You are SO right when you say that there is NOTHING more painful! My heart goes out to you & I am sorry that you are hurting! emoticon

I have been going through some extremely difficult times with my middle DS for the last few years. While he is much older (21 now) & the struggles are different, I can totally empathize with your pain. I'm hear if you want to talk! emoticon

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MISMISSYV 4/26/2009 10:57AM

    I think what you are going through is the hardest part about being a mom!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon
We are here for you!

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    Thanks for the support Jeanie - my DS has been putting me to the test since he was born - it's a challenge!

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LFLFLPLP 4/26/2009 7:24AM

    You sound like you are in a lot of pain and I'm so sorry that you are. I do know what you mean. I've had issues with dd and it has been the most trying, heart breaking thing I've ever had to deal with.


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How can I survive this?

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Dear friends, I need help. Here's the situation:

When DS was first born and for 2 1/2 years, my husband and I fought bitterly. I won't go into details (because you'll get a better taste for it anyway in a minute), but suffice it to say, it was virtually unbareable and I have no idea why I stayed.

Now we've enjoyed 4 1/2 sweet years together, including difficult times - TOGETHER - raising DS, giving birth to DD - it's all been great.

7 months ago life got hard and we got distant - but not angry, so I've been waiting for life to improve knowing that it will and knowing that we'd come out on the otherside of things alright as well.

1 1/2 months ago, DH started cleaing the house for Passover. This is always something that separates between us b/c he's a litle crazy about the whole thing, but I'm used to holding my breath and waiting for Passover to start - when he can sit down and relax finally, and calm down.

1 month ago, DH started to quit smoking wht a new prescription plan they offered us here. The problem is - it's takes away the physiological addiction - but not the psychological addiction. Add that to his generally high-stress personality and the cleaning period - not a pleasant combination.

I'm still holding my breath ... he makes snide remarks, I ignore or answer gently - I'm doing my best.

But it's not going away. He just keeps getting more and more irritable, and I keep getting more and more sensitive and when I get too sensitive - I try to fight back and then the fights explode.

Two nights ago, my son asked why we got married if we fight all the time. YUCK! He would NEVER have asked that question 1 year ago. I wanted to cry.

Last night we fought about my Hebrew fluency, and ice cream cones (he's a native, I'm not). It sounds crazy, and it probably is. But it started b/c he was angry that I didn't understnad something - instead of explaining, he got angrier. Then it turned into a fight about how he could have explained it (when I understood it finally, I offered an alternative definition to his "after 10 years here, you're still so dumb" comment). The deeper we got, the more he insisted that I always ahve to be right, and the more he reverted to using derregotaries to describe me. The children were asleep - all of us in the car. Then he turned it into my fault b/c I described him as "mean" in his language and the children could here me calling him mean, which is why they come to my defense (often, when they're awake). Then I was in the position of having to apologize to him and to this second he hasn't apologized for the fact that he's so crazy lately, and so mean, and that he's looking for fights.

I'm going crazy.

How do I survive this? How do I take a deep enough breath in order to wait untl we get to the other side of whatever it is that's really driving him to act this unbearable. I can't survive 2 1/2 years of it - I just can't.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TAKTYXSGIRL 4/21/2009 12:38AM

    I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It's SO tough. I know that for my husband, smoking is his stress relief. He doesn't deal with the psychological aspect of quitting very well. He gets very cranky and says things to me that he normally wouldn't say. It doesn't usually get better until he starts smoking again. It's SO hard to sit there and grin and bear it. I don't blame you for being so upset and I wish that I had some great advice for you but I just don't. I would give you a huge hug though if I could! Whatever happens and whatever you decide to do, it will all work out. You always have us to lean on if you need us!


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TEACHERH 4/19/2009 8:23PM

    Just a thought - the Four Horsemen of Marriage Apocalypse* are:
Defensiveness, Stonewalling, Criticism, and Contempt. They are incredibly destructive because they attack the humanity of the other person - not merely saying I think your idea or your perspective or your understanding is wrong, but you AS A PERSON are wrong, defective, unworthy, or deficient.

Since you have been together for some time, most likely you both value your relationship and would like to see it succeed. It would be easier to succeed if you both can come to an agreement that you can disagree, vehemently as necessary, as long as neither of you engages in Four Horsemen behavior. In fact just talking about the "rules for engagement" for disagreement can be incredibly helpful. Knowing how to have a choice between full battle and capitulation can be liberating and can invigorate a marriage.

I truly wish you luck. Once, many years ago, my husband called me "an idiot like all the other idiots at work" and it precipitated me walking right out the door and him not being able to find me for many hours. I was prepared to simply walk away and never even go back for my clothing, but in the end I did go back to pack. When I got there he was bewildered and could not understand my "overreaction" to something that didn't seem that offensive to him, based on the conversations he was used to having with other people, mostly at work. When he saw talking like that really would end everything, he became willing to seriously evaluate his behavior and we've gone through better and worse but nothing even close to that awful day. Change is possible, but it is slow and difficult and requires genuine effort on both partner's part. We've been at it for 17 years now and just in the last few can I say it is genuinely easy almost all of the time.

>(*Based on the work of John Gottman)

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SGOODING 4/19/2009 8:03AM

    Hugs to you. My husband and I are going through things since our daughter was born 5 months ago. It is like the love is gone.

You have manyyears invested and I give you strength for staying in difficult times.

Stay strong for your family!!

Sarah emoticon

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RIVER0 4/19/2009 6:30AM


The fact that your DH has quit smoking is probably a huge contributing factor. My husband is a smoker and I know it is a way for him to cope with stress. Take away his coping skill and he just about self destructs. Still that is no excuse for your DH's poor treatment of you.

You guys need to sit down and talk about how the two of you together can stop the bitter fighting in front of the children. If you can't do it alone, than you might need an objective third party, like a counselor, therapist or clergy to help you. Your first responsibility is to the children. Children deserve to grow up in a peaceful home. Our homes are our refuge from the chaos of the outside world. If home is chaotic, where do they find a safe and peaceful place to rest and renew? You all need your home to be that way.

Maybe the best place to start is with the doctor that prescribed him what ever he is taking to quit smoking. Some of these drugs can cause things like mania or depression. Not in everyone of course, but it only really matters how your husband reacts to the meds. I think his doctor should be made aware of DH's changes in behavior.

I'm sorry you are going through this, but you need to make some moves toward resolving it. Consider all your options, including not staying in the relationship.

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    Thank god neither one of us intentionally uses the kids against the other. In each other's absence we always speak kindly and loving of the other, and even when we are fighting we always support each other when we have to discipline the kids. And, I do my best to let the kids know that they are loved.

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STOP.WAITING 4/19/2009 5:14AM

    Wow..your post really struck a chord with me, although I'm neither married or with children. However, for years I was one of those children in the back of the car of the fighting parents. Earlier this year, a week before my 18th birthday actually, my mom left my dad. I knew it was coming since 8th grade, but it was still moderately shocking.
I'm not telling you to leave your husband, but by the sounds of it, separation might be good - just so you both can think and clear your heads a bit. It will be hard - I'm not going to lie and say it won't be - but my mom is so much happier without that constant fight with walking on eggshells. Also, growing up in that sort of environment has been, well, not the best for my self-esteem, or my sisters'. When I was alone with my mom, she would constantly warn me to never marry a man like my father, while when I was alone with my dad, he'd refer to my mom as "the warden" and "gate keeper" and other terms that were far but kind. Together, they pretended that everything was fine until I was asleep on the couch or in my room, and then I could hear my mom crying as my dad yelled. I soon learned to remain quiet and faking sleep so that I wouldn't get in trouble.
My mom wanted to go to family counselling - and tried couples counseling at our church - but my dad was against the family thought, and usually forgot or was "busy" and couldn't go to the couples' one. I don't know your husband or you, but maybe that's an option that would work out better than it did for my parents.
Hope that helps a bit and that you start feeling a bit better :) emoticon

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It WAS TOM All Along! Oh, and other craziness...

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Ok people. Since I was PMSing for SO long I thought i was imagining things - hence my blog from yesterday. Then last night I was overwhelmed suddenly with fierce pain and - well, TOM came. So, now we have an explanation for it all.

What's so frustrating this time is that it was an entire 1 1/2 weeks of PMS!!! AND on top of it all some other road blocks that I'm having LOTS of trouble getting past, or coping with:

- Spring cleaning in my house is like moving apartments. That's how it is for many Jews. That's how it is for us. Have you ever tried losing weight while moving apartments? Almost impossible.

- Since I clean until late it makes me rather exhilirated at night (not enough to exercise at night though) and EXHAUSTED in the mornign!

- Add to that a baby that recently has been inexplicably cranky - so she doesn't sleep through the night.

- STRESS - I'm FREAKING about the menus for Passover. This is 8 solid days of NO bread, NO cereal - what's a girl to do? On a low fiber day, I jack it up with Branflakes. Not on Passover. YIKES!!

- So, I'm exhausted and haven't successfully gotten out of bed even once this week to exercise. I'm pissed, and frumpy and yucky and greasy.

All suggestions are welcome, of course.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AKATUJE 4/2/2009 1:56AM

    I am sure fruit and vegetbles can also contribute to our fiber. Will be praying that baby settles down soon. at least you now know what the problem was.

TOM??? i call 'her' FLO!!!! Just amused at the name....

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SHAYLA-SHAYLA 4/1/2009 6:27AM

    Beans! Beans! That'll get you tons of fiber. I love beans!

Maybe baby is cranky because it's TOM? I heard your milk can temporarily change during that time.

I'm sure moving everything is enough exercise for the week, right? Heavy cleaning is listed as exercise in the cardio section... Anyway, don't beat yourself up about not exercising, if you've felt yucktacular it's totally understandable.

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