SPEEDY143   139,505
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Thursday, July 15, 2010

I’ve set some long term goals… I’d like to lose 143 pounds, Yikes!!!! If I don’t that’s ok because any thing close to that will be reward enough. I joined SP to feel better and that goal was met in the first week so I’m changing that long term goal to my first short term goal… which I’ve met. emoticonWooHoo

Now... rewards are another thing all together for me. There’s been a little voice inside me that’s whispered “you are not worthy” for so long that I had to dig deep in the past to even be aware that that’s why I’m not good to myself. I’m my own worst enemy… there’s not one person out there that would be more pleased to see me fail than me. So forgiving myself is my second long term goal…. Figuring out for what will be the journey. emoticon

Back to rewards… see how I go off instead of addressing being good to myself…..


Hmmmmm…… blank emoticon

I keep thinking reward = food. I’ve said I’m not going to do that any more but saying it and NOT doing it are two entirely different things. Could this mind set go as far back as when I was a baby and if I cried I would be fed? To a toddler, when I didn’t cry I’d get a treat? When I skinned a knee I’d be pacified with food?? Good grades = food… Failed a test = eat… Jilted, stuff my face. Turn another year old = cake AND ice cream!!!! emoticon


I’ve had issues with money all my life. Growing up my parents were frugal and I think that’s a wonderful thing, I enjoy frugality too. When I was widowed at 27 with a four year old and an 18 month old the financial crunch was overwhelming. The next five years were tough and when I remarried we blended families… totally enjoying the yours, mine and finally an ours to complete the nest. Not a lot of discretionary money through out those years. But we did have to eat so it makes sense that food = rewards. emoticon = emoticon

Breaking THAT habit will take some time but sounds like it could actually be fun =]

So back to the rewards….

REWARDS: 10 pounds…. emoticon emoticonNew scale (mine sucks, it’s a 20 year old hand-me-down that I have to get on and off of four times and then take the middle number as my weight loss for the day grrrrrrr)

20 pounds…. Get my hair cut emoticon8/25/10 (Took me 20 minutes to come up with this one)Actually got it cut on 9/16/10

30 pounds…. I’ll need some new clothes by then!!! (Easy)

40 pounds…. Take a class in…. to be decided. (I’m most excited about this one)

50 pounds…. An over night trip with my honey!!! (He’s most excited about this one emoticon

Oh, and I reserve the right to come back any time and change the rewards if I think of some thing else I like better… and I promise it won’t be food =]

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KLH1982 7/16/2010 12:37AM

    Good Job Mom!!

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JAKEANDNELLIE 7/15/2010 7:20PM

    Yep - food was a reward when I was growing up, too - and I continued using it for many long years!
You're rewards are great - don't forget things like manicures, pedicures, facials, a music CD you've been wanting, a movie you'd like to see, jot things down as you think of them. If you're like me, the reward list changes as my life changes!
Stay positive,

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1SUNSHINEGIRL 7/15/2010 4:20PM

    Wow...was reading your blog and it really fits my LIFE with the reward=food.

Great job in digging down deep inside and seeing what is/was happening with you. An even better job on setting your goals and rewards...and 'specially reserving the right to change those rewards! Hang in there!

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JINLYNN 7/15/2010 4:06PM

    What great rewards - and some good insights with regards to food & rewards. I can identify with you - how many times have I rewarded myself with food. Too many to count. Best wishes on your journey. Jineane

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Triggers… food vs. people

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Socrates' guiding rule was, "Know Thyself." I’ve been self actualizing since a psych class I took in college way back in the 60’s. Since joining SP and reading Chris’s introduction to “The Spark” it’s as if my once keen sense of self is transforming from a fuzzy focus to a much clearer vision of what really triggers my emotional eating.

For decades I’ve found myself standing in front of the pantry almost in a fog… looking, looking for something to make me feel better and as my glazed stare would sharpen I’d some times say out loud to myself, “What am I looking for?” Food of course… but why? Had I seen, smelled, thought of food or realized I was hungry? No, I was standing there because I had had some kind of uncomfortable encounter with someone. Not always the same person, never for any particular reason but clearly because I’d been triggered by anxiety of some sort.

I’ve known for a long time that paying the bills always triggers a hot flash… and now that I realize its people that make me want to eat I can use more appropriate responses to deal with the anxiety… like affirmations or exercise or maybe even something naturally sweet like strawberries to take that bitter taste out of my mouth. emoticon

What triggers your over eating?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JAKEANDNELLIE 7/14/2010 10:12PM

    Triggers - wow - so many! Some I have control of, some I still struggle with.
Being around my older brother very long - reach for the chips and dip - maybe the crunch will drown him out! That's one that's deeply ingrained and will probably always be there - I'll just deal with it!
This time on Spark has been a true learning experience for me and I am thankful for all that I've learned.
Stay positive,

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DANBON 7/13/2010 6:42PM

    Hey,What you said is me all the way.Love that part about the bill paying and hot flashes.My grandkids lived with us for a year because of family problems.They are back home now and things are looking good.I still wake up at night though, feeling anxious .We need to change the things we can change for the good and realize the things we have no control over.I believe there are toxic people that we need to avoid too.Find your peaceful space,protect it from people who would intrude on it,and go there as often as you can! No thyself.Love thyself emoticon

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An excuse is still just an excuse

Friday, July 09, 2010

Even if they are valid an excuse is still just an excuse NOT to do something. If it were something I wanted to do I’d put down or aside whatever got in my way of doing it and be all over it like white on rice. Just look at all the hours I’ve logged in playing Quake and Thief online over the past 10 years.

Short of going door to door I’ve been singing the praises of SP for, well, for all of three weeks now. Not really that very long I know but still…..

The past few weeks have saved my life. Sounds dramatic but it’s absolutely true and I know there are tens of thousands, maybe even hundreds of thousands who are finding, not only, peace with themselves but all the tools one needs for a healthy and happier life style right here on SparkPeople and it’s FREE!!!!!!

I feel like I’ve won the lottery and want to share it with everyone. Perhaps once I’ve walk the walk and talked the talk long enough family and friends will begin to see the new me and ask, “Wow, what’s happened to you?” And then they will listen.

How long did you know about SP before you checked it out and joined? emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHORTCAKE48 7/10/2010 10:13PM

  I read about SparkPeople in All You magazine. I logged on, took a look around and was so overwhelmed with all the information that I just got off the site. But something drew me back time and time again. Each time, I spent a little more time looking around and then when I discovered the Spark Pages and started reading some of the inspirational stories I was hooked.

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KERANCE 7/10/2010 6:31PM

    I found Sparkpeople when it was mentioned in a magazine I read called 'Zest'.
It's a UK mag and the artical was litrally a tiny square, no where near the amount it should have been. It said "if you wanthandy free tools to track nutition & fitness go to www.sparkpeople.com"
That one sentance has changed my life and I'm so glad I went for a nosy.
I love the place and the community is the best.
I shout from the hilltops about Sparks but I don't think people understand the greatness of this site.
I have even deleted my Facebook page as Sparks is all I need.
I've been here a year next month and I still love the place as much as when I first found it.

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JAKEANDNELLIE 7/10/2010 10:35AM

    I had cousins visiting from California at the end of September last year. Two of them were Spark members, and kept telling me I should join.
At the time, their words hurt and upset me because I have always been ridiculed about my weight and have always felt embarrassed about the way I looked. (I had to change that sentence - I originally wrote "made to feel embarrassed" but I've come to realize no one MAKES you feel that way - you do it to yourself accepting and agreeing that you should be embarrassed.)
I waited until they'd been gone several days and then checked Spark out. I didn't join that day, but did on November 9.
I thank my cousins for their words now - before, all I heard from their encouragement to join Spark was "you're too fat," and now I know that those words changed my life.

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MARSHASTAR 7/10/2010 10:30AM

    My sister told me about SP a year ago. I finally took her advice and joined in Feb '10.
You are right about the excuses. I know I make excuses to NOT exercise.
Right now I can find a lot of so-called "reasons" to avoid my walk today, but all those "reasons" are just excuses.
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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RONNIEHUEY 7/10/2010 4:32AM

    A friend joined and it took a year before I was interested enough to check out the site emoticon

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JOANOFSPARK 7/9/2010 5:43PM

    emoticon emoticon good for you.....

I read about SP in a magazine...I had already been to see a dietitian....so I was already tracking my food, exercise, and blood glucose every day in a journal...so when I read about the site, I just had to check it out and I liked what I saw and have been here around 50 days....and I will continue to stay here because as you said, it was a lifesaver for me. I had gotten to a plateau and I know that if I hadn't discovered SP that I would have given up....maybe not right away but sooner or later, I would have..

Comment edited on: 7/9/2010 5:44:35 PM

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JUSGETTENBY42 7/9/2010 5:09PM


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SUNSET09 7/9/2010 5:03PM

  I call some excuses reasons as they are reasons we elect not to do what we should do. I tell friends, family and whoever will listen that you're going to be the same age if you do it, or not do it so age is not a reason (excuse) not to pursue your dream! We all have priorities and what's important to us, we make time to do. Your message has really and will encourage a lot of people to just do it! I"m ready to go and walk my mile for today, thanx! emoticon

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There’s a new restaurant in town

Thursday, July 08, 2010

Now I’ve seen every thing!!! emoticon

While drinking my morning coffee I was reading our little throw away paper with small town news and lots of local pictures, you know the type of paper Jay Leno uses to do his skit called “Headlines” the one with typographical errors, or unintentional inappropriate items? This week’s paper had a menu tucked into it called “320 Main” Steaks*Chops*Seafood. I had a little bit of coffee left so I thought I’d check it out… first thing on the menu under starters was

“Deep Fried Mac n’ Cheese” $8…

I almost spit my coffee across the room!!! Macaroni and cheese as an appetizer???? It still makes me giggle to think about it….now that’s an inappropriate item. Well there is a new restaurant in town but it’s called “Linda’s Kitchen” and that’s where all our meals are coming from for awhile. emoticon

Side note… I found the same “Mac n’ Cheese” item on their lunch menu too… good news you can add smoked duck for another two bucks. Evil, it’s all around us!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RONNIEHUEY 7/9/2010 11:40AM

    I love to find tiny out of the way places to eat.,especially family owned and run places emoticon

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MUSTANG_SALLY2 7/8/2010 3:54PM

    I adore Mac & Cheese but you're right, it's not an appetizer! It's one of the things that I just have to have in my life but I can have a small serving and be pretty happy. Luckily for me, my sister, who makes the worlds best Mac & Cheese, lives far enough away that I'm only tempted occasionally! LOL

I thought you'd spit coffee over the price! $8 bucks for cheese and noodles. I'm in the wrong business!

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How did special treats turn into daily rewards?

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Believe it or not when I was growing up fast food joints were few and far between. There was a McDonalds that we would pass on our way to Big Bear going to and from church camp every summer. Stopping there was part of the “special” treat that went along with the traditional summer vacation we looked forward to all year and loved so very much.

I can still remember the golden arches with the proud display that said “THOUSANDS SOLD.” I think their current boast of “BILLIONS AND BILLIONS SERVED” hasn’t changed in the last decade.

A cheese burger with fries and a coke was a treat. emoticon emoticon emoticon Then it became a reward. We used it for good grades with our children or a place to go for a birthday or graduation. Now people drive thru daily not only for that “fourth meal” but as a convenient bribe if the kiddies have behaved themselves.

Desserts were the same way when I was a kid. We didn’t have them every night. In fact a hot fudge sundae once a month at Hoff’s Hut was worth getting dressed up for. emoticonPumpkin pie with whipped cream was for Thanksgiving only (and that alone made it taste sooooooooooo good). Again we used 31 Flavors or Penguins as a reward with our children… “Happy last day of school” or “Yippee, no cavities at the dentist!” Now a bowl of ice cream after dinner every night is a given…. not to mention that frozen pie in the freezer and tempting tub of cool whip with an expiration date that’s good until next year.

Snack time’s become a joke. What happened to that piece of fresh fruit or handful of nuts or raisins? They’ve given way to sodas and candy bars or emoticoncigarettes and a brewski. Treats have become rewards we bribe ourselves with for finishing a task or for just being good little boys and girls.

I’ve had all sorts of realizations since joining SP and as I continue to face my stuff instead of stuffing my face I’ve decided not to reward myself with food. Desserts have become treats again instead of a reward for over eating. Just this weekend I found that raspberry Jell-O with real whipped cream on the 4th of July emoticon emoticonnot only brought back many sweet memories of my childhood but tasted soooooooooooooo good.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SURFKITTY 7/8/2010 6:07AM

    Same thing for me, as a kid eating out or fast food was a very rare thing, usually when we were on vacation. But once I started working, I somehow got off track, partly because I lived alone and didn't want to bother to cook for just me, but also because I was tired at the end of the day and stopping on the way home was not only easy it was a way to reward myself for making it through another day at a job I hated. Ah, self loathing and stuffing. The last few years I've been trying to train for a new career as well as trying to get in shape and be healthy, it's been fits and starts but with Spark People I at least have a roadmap now instead of having to just spin in circles.

Good luck with your journey, there's a lot of us on the road right alongside you.

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    Words of wisdom! My grandpa always said you need to study the past to improve the future and he was definitely right in this instance.
I have stopped ordering dessert - it's just a treat for a super-special occasion now.
I admit I still do drive-thru frequently - but only a grilled chicken sandwich with no sauce or mayo.
I too saw a child that broke my heart - he was in Subway and had 6 cookies in front of him, a 12" subway club with extra meat and bacon and slathered with mayo - not a veggie on it - and a large cola to drink. I was behind them in line and heard the order - couldn't figure mom out - she ordered a 6" turkey with no cheese or condiments, lots of spinach and tomato, and a bottle of water to drink for herself! She laughingly turned to me and said "He eats just like his dad." (I had a 6" chicken salad on wheat with only tomatoes and spinach!)
Stay positive,

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TERIANA 7/7/2010 4:46AM

    Oh you are so right. I grew up in a working class family, we always had enough to eat but never ate too much. Soda was reserved for holidays or birthdays. Candy bars were few and far between. Eat out at McDonalds? A special treat reserved for maybe three times a year, and boy did we look forward to that! Mom prepared all of our meals including brown bag lunches because we couldn't afford the 25 cent hot lunch at school. Lunch was usually a sandwich (made on thin sliced "sandwich" bread), one piece of fruit and two graham crackers. I drank milk from a thermos that came in my "Flipper" lunch box. Desserts were served only if we had company over for dinner and it was usually a chocolate cake made from a box mix. After school snacks? I remember getting half an apple or orange, or soda crackers with peanut butter. No TV or video games after school--we were out riding bikes and playing outside until Mom called us in for dinner. No take-out dinners---everything was homemade and we ate a salad and a cooked vegetable every night. I guess in retrospect, we were "poor" by today's standards, but our parents fed us healthy nutritious foods and nobody in my family or at my school was obese.

When did it all go so wrong? Today I saw a beautiful young girl, about 8 years old, who was terribly overweight, eating out of a large bag of potato chips and sucking on a half liter bottle of soda. It made me want to cry.

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