I joined just a week ago today and every day my Spark has grown a little brighter.
I feel 100% better already.... physically, emotionally, and mentally.
I've told secrets and then owned them.
I've taken steps I thought were too late to take.
I've asked for help.
I'm more excited than I've been in years.
I am hopeful and see a future.
My blood pressure was 128/61 tonight.
My pulse is 57.
And........ I've lost 4 pounds.
I worked really hard too. Spent more time this week focusing on and using many of the tools available at SP than I have spent on any one thing in a few decades.
In fact, looking back on the week reminds me of all the time I spent when I brought my first baby home.... but this time the baby was ME
Praise God for prayers answered and thanks to my sweet husband, who said, "Take all the time you need" Like they say "Happy wife, happy life"
A month ago if I had thrown out perfectly good food I would have flogged myself for sure. Last night at the most I whipped myself with a wet noodle because I truly felt better throwing them away instead of finishing them off.
I stood right there in front of the sink and was about to eat the cold leftovers right out of the pan... telling myself there's not nearly enough to save for tomorrow but a tad too much for dinner (having successfully practiced my new portion control) YaY me =]
Back to the sink... Pot in hand with spoon filled noodles headed for my open mouth sure did Spark the memories
I was raised by depression survivors.. you know those people they call "The Greatest Generation" and in a lot of respects they were. But having heard all my life to clean my plate 'cus there's children starving in Africa and/or if I wanted dessert ALL my food had to be gone........
Well guess what, there's still children starving all over the world and my over eating didn't have a thing to do with it.
I tried real hard not to raise my children the same way.... I left out the part about the starving children but I did bring up dessert more than I should have
Unfortunately, I did continue to NOT throw any leftovers away... even the ones left on my kids plates. I'd stand at the sink, ready to scrape it into the garbage disposal and finish most of it off. "Waste not, want not" I always say. Very bad mantra for a fat girl.
I became the garbage disposal.... well not any more. That's one bad habit I can break!!
Now I donate, in my grandchildren's name, to Heifer International, who give starving people all over the world animals and food to raise and grow for themselvs and teach them to share with their neighbors. And I plan on cooking less so there is no waste.... "Waist not want not... it's all in how you look at it.
It's been a challenge after cooking for a family of 6 to cooking for just hubby & I but that's a new habit I plan on honing... and no I haven't had the same problem with my 5 grandkids' plates.... because those little buggers have GERMS!!!!
I've been thinking about a way to chart my progress in the picture section of my Spark page.
I don't have a lot of pictures of myself... I took control of that by being the photographer in the family... thus less pics of me... smart huh!! And current naked pictures of a 300+ pound grandma floating around the internet is hella-scary!!!! Probably why I don't stand around looking at myself in the mirror any longer than I have to or go out in public in a swimsuit any more.
Before and after pics of my clothing won't work... all my pants are streeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetchy.
Even in group pics I'm hiding behind someone... I'm tall you know so I HAVE to stand in the back.
What I have noticed over the years in pictures of myself is that extra fat that's lost the battle with gravity and slipped from my chubby cheeks to my turkey waddle. It became even more obvious to me when my "Jack Sprat" of a husband complained of his double chin in a picture taken at our daughter's wedding this past April.
"Hahahaha," I scoffed out loud, "You wanna see a double chin? Look at this" And I grabbed a hunk of me that I realized everyone can see no matter how few pictures I have taken.
Sooooooooo... I'm gonna try some face shots, front and side that shows my double chin and maybe some day I'll post a picture of me front and center, in a swimsuit, with a huge grin on my double chin-less face =]
June 2007 age 60
December 2008 age 61
June 2010 63rd birthday and Yes, I felt as bad as I looked... and that's why I joined SparkPeople at 326 pounds.
Everyday in every way I'm getting better & better" A mantra I used with my sons when they were little that was truly lovely. I stopped telling myself this years ago because i didn't feel like I was getting better... only fatter and less fit and older... I'd peaked basically and was on the way down but recently I shared it with my oldest granddaughter who needs some inner praise to face her scary world and it sparked a peaceful cord with me as I realized I am getting better and better in everyway... every day!!! So I'm using it again and it is pure magic =]
As I "stop stuffing my face and start facing my stuff" I feel that a Spark is lightening-up my life and showing me the way to a healthier thus happier go at this realm we call "The physical"
Shameful secrets like cockroaches that scurry to hide once that light goes on above my head can only be eliminated if (squashed by the truth) (owned by their keeper) (acknowledged out loud)
P.S. My Spark glowed so brightly today I forgot to eat everything I put on my nutrition tracker so instead of having the Jello I made for dessert I drank my protein drink I usually have for lunch.... oh, and I also realized I had UN-derestimated the amount of water I was drinking. I thought my water glass held 16oz but it actually holds 20+ Woo Hoo I easily reached my 64oz quota this weekend =]
"Keep your words sweet and tender, you may have to eat them"
I'm not very nice to myself.... I mostly call myself a dumb-ass and constantly put myself down. I have no idea why anyone would love me.... I 've always thought I was some what critical of others and tend to judge... then emphathy kicks in and I quickly forgive them or at the least understand why they do the things they do, but I've come to realize that what I find "off" in others is exactly what I don't like about myself.
I call others victims, and say grow-up... get a life.... take responsibility for your actions, don't wait for others to make you happy... Oh poor YOUUUUUUUUUUUU... Stop blaming!!!!!! What the heck.... I'm not talking to them I'm yelling out loud at myself.
That little girl who I've drowned with food trying to snuff out the cries for help by stuffing my mouth so the words won't come out has suffered long enough.