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And so it goes..

Monday, September 09, 2013

Today was kind of a continuation of yesterday. I just spent all day feeling horribly aware of the imperfections of my body. I ate well. (as in healthy). Made pumpkin steel cut oatmeal in the crockpot yesterday and had that. It was good. I'd do it again but with a little less pumpkin. I love pumpkin but this was too much. After it starts to get a bit darker out tonight I'm going to go walking, maybe try a bit of running, we'll see. I just need to move but it's way too hot now and the gym just sounds like zero fun right now, I would rather be outside.

In the mean time I have to get over wanting to scream and cry.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LALATIDAH 9/9/2013 7:48PM

    Awww.. don't beat yourself up! If you are eating healthfully, exercising and getting enough rest, the numbers on the scale will show your efforts. Be sure you have long-term AND short term goals set. When you achieve a goal, reward yourself (NOT a food reward!) and set a new goal. Here's my reward....
I prefer to do my workouts in the gym. It's not safe for me to walk in my neighborhood and there are too many distractions at home as I am an at-home Mom and run our family business (alarms & security) from home. I walk 2.5 miles on the treadmill while reading books I download onto my iPad Mini. If I didn't have my iPad, I wouldn't make it even 1 mile!! So, you probably guessed, my rewards are new iBooks!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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STARTINGOVER37 9/9/2013 7:15PM

    I prefer to do my workouts outside as well, and I have been where I just want to scream and cry. I discovered going for a run does help with that, and you might end up crying while you are running but that is ok...sometimes we just have to let it all out to feel better! emoticon

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And my tears fell like rain

Sunday, September 08, 2013

Honestly, I'm trying really hard to be all positive but last night I was having girls night at a friends and I stepped on the scale. I was back up to 207. Now I haven't moved up a pant size since my lowest. As I mentioned before, they've gotten a bit tighter but not bigger yet but I"m pushing it. It's what has me back on board for losing this weight. I know I already committed to do it too and I have been better this last week about the food (had a couple bad meals but overall it was good). I am still working on adding in the exercise and I intended to go walking a couple days but it's been so blazingly hot around here that it's actually a health hazard so I need to start doing stuff in the house or going to the gym and dealing with the tread mill (yuck).

I got my new gym shoes yesterday so that's a big yay but it's to the point I don't want to leave the house. So many of my shirts were tighter from when I was feeling better about my body and let myself the in style shirts that were more clingy. Now I just feel gross in them. I'm not sure WHERE the weight is settling to be honest but it's settling.

I have a very active social life with being highly involved in my community so I'm out around people on a weekly basis and I'm to the point I want to withdrawal until I feel better about myself.

I also know all about the scale is only one measurement but right now, given I've been completely activity free for about 5 months, I can't write it off.

I just feel ugh and miserable.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MJREIMERS 9/9/2013 8:11PM

    This journey isn't always easy. Actually, it's tough and all of us have had to get back on track at sometime in this journey! I know I did. If I can do it, emoticon

Put those shoes on and get moving!! emoticon

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XIALUDI 9/9/2013 12:19AM

    It's not so much a one-time commitment as a recommitment as often as you need it, whether that's monthly, weekly, daily or hourly! My new mantra is "Never miss a Monday" every seven days, there's a new start and a chance to throw out last week and do better this week :D emoticon Trust me, I know it is not easy. Maybe try making a list of Non Scale Victories you enjoy (for me, it's being able to chase after kids without feeling winded, or waking up with less knee pain than before)

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CHEVY63 9/8/2013 10:15PM

    Hey -I understand! I am trying to get back at it as well. So keep on trying -even if you don't see immediate results, you can keep it up and continue to make good decisions. emoticon

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INSANE!!!!

Monday, September 02, 2013

I was feeling it sneaking back. I the new desk job combined with my complete lack of motivation to use the gym membership after so many disappointments when I was dedicated had my pants feeling a bit snug again. The feeling of depression that used to come over me in clothing stores was coming back. There was no more standing tall and near excitement over buying new clothing, a particularly rare thing in my lifetime, but rather calling my other half in tears from the store when I came up with nothing.

I had pondered trying a new work out program and when my brother gifted me with one I thought, ďHey, I can do this. Itís only 60 daysĒ. So I got the dvds and quit smoking so I could actually breathe again and the other night, I started.

I had Ryan do my measurements and other than body fat and weight, neither of which I had the tools to measure, I was ready to go. The measurements didnít really affect me too much at this stage in the game; I knew they were starting points. Day 1 is the fit test, ok, just a baseline, no biggie. Iím standing there in front of the tv, the ominous warning scrolling across the screen. Alright, thatís a bit intimidating but weíre good. The story my brother told me when he did it flashes in my brain, my 6í4, active, competitive cyclist, 0% body fat, brother, who couldnít walk for 3 days after the fit test. I glance down at my lumpy, overweight, out of shape self and wonder again what Iím doing. ďIím getting better, thatís what Iím doing, ď I think to myself as I straighten my spine and turn my attention back to the screen.

It didnít take long before I was cursing quite handily at the tv. What the hell are they thinking? Those skinny b!tches on the screen are dying and they want my fat a$$ to do this? Yeah, right. I struggle through though. The dog wants to play, mom is on the ground so obviously itís playtime right? NO. ShooÖstop that. Go away. ARGH! Jumping jack pushups? Ok now I know youíre bat sh!t crazy. Weíll put a big old zero for that one. Maybe someday, but right now I struggle with a normal pushup, Iím not doing jumping jacks at the same time.

Finally Iím done. Sweaty, pathetic, but done. I feel pretty good for about an hour and then I fall asleep in a chair.

It will be several more days before I feel up to trying again. I get 10 minutes into the video and realize that itís just not going to happen. Iím not giving up on all of it, Iím giving up on THIS program. I think I need to refocus on my food and start dropping a few more pounds and slowly get back into walking and strength training before my body is ready to handle something like this dvd program.

I know I can do this, Iíve gotten half way there. I just need to finish my journey to happiness.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DEE797 9/4/2013 12:09PM

    I say emoticon for even doing what you did. From what i have heard from others its tough in the beginning but worth it when you complete it. I've never tried it. Wishing you success on your journey. emoticon emoticon

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EVER-HOPEFUL 9/2/2013 8:40PM

    emoticon the main thing is you tried emoticon

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PRAIRIECROCUS 9/2/2013 7:46PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MJREIMERS 9/2/2013 6:21PM

    Insanity will kick your butt, but you will love it when you are done!!! I did the entire 60 days last spring and sent in my before and after pictures to get my free t-shirt! You are darn right that I dug deeper!

I'm going to tell you right now, don't wait two days. Get up put the next dvd in and do as much as you can! Don't worry how far you get in the beginning, just DO IT. You'll feel awesome after 30 days and then you'll feel beat down again moving on the the second month.

At the end of 60 days, no matter how long you worked out each day, you will be a BETTER YOU! You will feel stronger, healthier and accomplished.

Please, please don't wait. Stick it out! Just do as much as you can and try for 2 minutes longer each day! It is so worth it, but stay on schedule. This is where the mental "work out" comes in.

emoticon If I can do it, emoticon

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Radioactive...

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Last night on the ride home from work/school, my 15 year old daughter was talking about a project they had been working on in their GSA (gay/straight alliance ) club that day. On a piece of paper they wrote what they felt was their best physical feature and on the flip side, their best personality trait. Now the point to her whole story was rather funny because they had to pass the paper to the person beside them who then said "I like your...." inserting the things written on the card and some girl wrote "my body" and the poor guy next to her felt really uncomfortable turning to her and saying, "I like your body". But anyway, the point to MY story, is when my daughter mentioned doing this at dinner some night and me having to write down what I liked about myself physically, instant panic attack.

I later went walking with a friend and realized that honestly, while I don't LOVE all the parts of my body, the only one I am really stressed over is my tummy. My thighs are decent enough that I can live with them, maybe a bit of toning but that's about it. My legs, only issue is I love boots and my calves are too big (80% or more of that is just muscle) for most taller legged boots, my arms could use some toning but I don't hate them. Boobs, well age is a factor but again, don't hate them. Everything else is just a matter of toning except my stomach which is just GAG. Big and unpleasant. I have a decent figure except for this bulge that leads me everywhere I go.

I've spent the last two weeks so angry to the point I couldn't even drag myself to the gym. I had done the sugar detox and got nowhere. I track, and nothing. I work out, nothing. (and I've done both at the same time). I just feel like I'm on this treadmill from hell where it doesn't matter what I do or don't do, the gut doesn't go anywhere. I'm at my wits end. How can I make that go away? That's my only sticking point. Freaking groundhogs day. Shy of extreme measures (surgery or 5 hours a day in the gym 6 days a week) I have no clue what else to do to get this gut to go away.

  


so angry

Tuesday, April 09, 2013

What happens when you've been kicking your own ass and making no progress? You end up with a very angry chubby girl.

-sighs- could I have done MORE? well of course. was I doing more than I had been before (when I was losing weight) absolutely, and yet nothing. I don't even want to go to zumba tonight because I end up near tears anymore because all i can see is this belly that looks like I should be pregnant and it reminds me of how I'm not making any progress. I cut sugars out of my diet for two weeks and NOTHING. I watch what I eat and track, NOTHING. I work out several times a week and NOTHING.

NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING. this is a big whiny miserable post because I'm sitting at work near tears. I'm getting to the point that I don't even want to leave the house because I'm so embarrassed. I had such good luck with half the effort before and i know as you get further along the effort needs to increase but it has and I still have NOTHING . In fact, going by the scale I have gained weight (but because my pant size has stayed the same I'm writing that off as muscle....though evidently a LOT...which again, makes you wonder why I'm not seeing more weight loss progress still)

I just don't know what to do. I'm trying not to emotional eat in a "why the hell does it matter" move. I have friends that are all "oh I'll work out with you" but do they follow through? Nope. I know I can't rely on them but it makes the path more enjoyable. And the husband can't because he really injured his foot and has been ordered to "take it easy" by the doctor for a month now. We aren't sure what he did to it.

So that eliminates any "tennis". My anniversary was Friday (16 years) and my idea of the perfect day was the day at the zoo, a hotel room downtown with some walking around downtown and dinner. got none of it because of his injury. Not mad at that, I have a raincheck, we did bowl though, which was fun. I just really wanted to be active. I did take the kids for a several hour walk that sunday.

Basically, my point is, I'm tired of trying and getting no where.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GAILRUU 4/9/2013 11:34AM

    My thoughts about seeing someone else who is overweight exercising is that at least they are trying! Be proud of yourself!

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