Monday, September 09, 2013
Today was kind of a continuation of yesterday. I just spent all day feeling horribly aware of the imperfections of my body. I ate well. (as in healthy). Made pumpkin steel cut oatmeal in the crockpot yesterday and had that. It was good. I'd do it again but with a little less pumpkin. I love pumpkin but this was too much. After it starts to get a bit darker out tonight I'm going to go walking, maybe try a bit of running, we'll see. I just need to move but it's way too hot now and the gym just sounds like zero fun right now, I would rather be outside.
In the mean time I have to get over wanting to scream and cry.
Monday, September 02, 2013
I was feeling it sneaking back. I the new desk job combined with my complete lack of motivation to use the gym membership after so many disappointments when I was dedicated had my pants feeling a bit snug again. The feeling of depression that used to come over me in clothing stores was coming back. There was no more standing tall and near excitement over buying new clothing, a particularly rare thing in my lifetime, but rather calling my other half in tears from the store when I came up with nothing.
I had pondered trying a new work out program and when my brother gifted me with one I thought, ďHey, I can do this. Itís only 60 daysĒ. So I got the dvds and quit smoking so I could actually breathe again and the other night, I started.
I had Ryan do my measurements and other than body fat and weight, neither of which I had the tools to measure, I was ready to go. The measurements didnít really affect me too much at this stage in the game; I knew they were starting points. Day 1 is the fit test, ok, just a baseline, no biggie. Iím standing there in front of the tv, the ominous warning scrolling across the screen. Alright, thatís a bit intimidating but weíre good. The story my brother told me when he did it flashes in my brain, my 6í4, active, competitive cyclist, 0% body fat, brother, who couldnít walk for 3 days after the fit test. I glance down at my lumpy, overweight, out of shape self and wonder again what Iím doing. ďIím getting better, thatís what Iím doing, ď I think to myself as I straighten my spine and turn my attention back to the screen.
It didnít take long before I was cursing quite handily at the tv. What the hell are they thinking? Those skinny b!tches on the screen are dying and they want my fat a$$ to do this? Yeah, right. I struggle through though. The dog wants to play, mom is on the ground so obviously itís playtime right? NO. ShooÖstop that. Go away. ARGH! Jumping jack pushups? Ok now I know youíre bat sh!t crazy. Weíll put a big old zero for that one. Maybe someday, but right now I struggle with a normal pushup, Iím not doing jumping jacks at the same time.
Finally Iím done. Sweaty, pathetic, but done. I feel pretty good for about an hour and then I fall asleep in a chair.
It will be several more days before I feel up to trying again. I get 10 minutes into the video and realize that itís just not going to happen. Iím not giving up on all of it, Iím giving up on THIS program. I think I need to refocus on my food and start dropping a few more pounds and slowly get back into walking and strength training before my body is ready to handle something like this dvd program.
I know I can do this, Iíve gotten half way there. I just need to finish my journey to happiness.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Last night on the ride home from work/school, my 15 year old daughter was talking about a project they had been working on in their GSA (gay/straight alliance ) club that day. On a piece of paper they wrote what they felt was their best physical feature and on the flip side, their best personality trait. Now the point to her whole story was rather funny because they had to pass the paper to the person beside them who then said "I like your...." inserting the things written on the card and some girl wrote "my body" and the poor guy next to her felt really uncomfortable turning to her and saying, "I like your body". But anyway, the point to MY story, is when my daughter mentioned doing this at dinner some night and me having to write down what I liked about myself physically, instant panic attack.
I later went walking with a friend and realized that honestly, while I don't LOVE all the parts of my body, the only one I am really stressed over is my tummy. My thighs are decent enough that I can live with them, maybe a bit of toning but that's about it. My legs, only issue is I love boots and my calves are too big (80% or more of that is just muscle) for most taller legged boots, my arms could use some toning but I don't hate them. Boobs, well age is a factor but again, don't hate them. Everything else is just a matter of toning except my stomach which is just GAG. Big and unpleasant. I have a decent figure except for this bulge that leads me everywhere I go.
I've spent the last two weeks so angry to the point I couldn't even drag myself to the gym. I had done the sugar detox and got nowhere. I track, and nothing. I work out, nothing. (and I've done both at the same time). I just feel like I'm on this treadmill from hell where it doesn't matter what I do or don't do, the gut doesn't go anywhere. I'm at my wits end. How can I make that go away? That's my only sticking point. Freaking groundhogs day. Shy of extreme measures (surgery or 5 hours a day in the gym 6 days a week) I have no clue what else to do to get this gut to go away.
Tuesday, April 09, 2013
What happens when you've been kicking your own ass and making no progress? You end up with a very angry chubby girl.
-sighs- could I have done MORE? well of course. was I doing more than I had been before (when I was losing weight) absolutely, and yet nothing. I don't even want to go to zumba tonight because I end up near tears anymore because all i can see is this belly that looks like I should be pregnant and it reminds me of how I'm not making any progress. I cut sugars out of my diet for two weeks and NOTHING. I watch what I eat and track, NOTHING. I work out several times a week and NOTHING.
NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING. this is a big whiny miserable post because I'm sitting at work near tears. I'm getting to the point that I don't even want to leave the house because I'm so embarrassed. I had such good luck with half the effort before and i know as you get further along the effort needs to increase but it has and I still have NOTHING . In fact, going by the scale I have gained weight (but because my pant size has stayed the same I'm writing that off as muscle....though evidently a LOT...which again, makes you wonder why I'm not seeing more weight loss progress still)
I just don't know what to do. I'm trying not to emotional eat in a "why the hell does it matter" move. I have friends that are all "oh I'll work out with you" but do they follow through? Nope. I know I can't rely on them but it makes the path more enjoyable. And the husband can't because he really injured his foot and has been ordered to "take it easy" by the doctor for a month now. We aren't sure what he did to it.
So that eliminates any "tennis". My anniversary was Friday (16 years) and my idea of the perfect day was the day at the zoo, a hotel room downtown with some walking around downtown and dinner. got none of it because of his injury. Not mad at that, I have a raincheck, we did bowl though, which was fun. I just really wanted to be active. I did take the kids for a several hour walk that sunday.
Basically, my point is, I'm tired of trying and getting no where.
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