Saturday, August 10, 2013
Although I am actively pursuing 2nd opinions, the carcinosarcoma has come back for the 3rd time. I have a tumor growing quickly in my liver and my oncologist says it is inoperable. If my insurance ever approves, I am going to have "cyber knife" radiation treatments to shrink/destroy the tumor. But if they drag their feet much longer, it wont be necessary 'cause the tumor will kill me real soon. I have talked to the tumor and explained that if I die, it dies, but it doesn't seem to care. I have yelled and cried and screamed and pleaded to God, but I guess His answer is no. I am "only" 57 and we are raising 2 of our grandchildren (both 9, and the boy is severely developmentally delayed). I am not afraid of dying at all (I will be with Jesus!) but I really can't leave my family right now. It is so unfair to them. Yeah, I know, life isn't fair.
see you on the other side!
Thursday, July 19, 2012
something soul crushing comes along. I am waiting for my husband to tell me to "curse God and die." *sigh* I had the total hysterectomy 5/25 and all of the carcinosarcoma was contained in the uterus (nothing had matastised, nothing in the lymph nodes). Alas, the oncologist wants me to do chemo because this is a very aggressive and quick moving type of cancer. Yesterday I had the portacath installed near my right clavicle (sore, but nothing horrible) and today I spent the entire day getting "infused" with various highly toxic substances that kill off fast growing cells (like the lining of my mouth and my hair oh, and cancer). I am doing 6 treatments every 3 weeks and they are highly intense doses. By the 2nd dose my hair will be gone. The thing that is bothering me is that I am doing this horrible thing to my body "just in case". And even then, there is no guarantee that it will find and kill any free roaming cancer cells.
I'm not as scared as I was, now I'm just ticked. Anyhow, I just want to keep track of what reactions/problems I have due to the chemo. It has been 4 hours and nothing yet.
7/22: ok... I feel like I have been run over by a train - every muscle, every joint just aches horribly like a toothache; I take Tramadol 50mg but it's not relieving this pain. This is not pleasant.
7/23: I didn't make it to work today. I still feel horrible. I did lose 17 lbs in 2 days. good grief.
Saturday, June 09, 2012
change quickly when the doctor tells you "the cancer you have is uterine carcinosarcoma - it is unique, rare, and extremely aggressive." I only had three days to digest that information before I had a total hysterectomy. My poor family and friends have been freaking out. The prognosis is good - it looks like all of the cancer was contained inside the uterus, there were no cancer cells in the lymph nodes, and nothing else was effected. That being said, it is a nasty bad type of cancer with a 15% 5 year survival rate. So... after we all get back from the Great GrandKid's Adventure to Disneyworld And Beyond next month I get to have a port installed in my chest so they can pump my body full of toxic chemicals. It's the radiation that I'm mostly afraid of though. I don't want to be sickly. I don't want to suffer lifelong side effects from the treatments just because I "could" still have cancer cells inside my body. I want my mommy ! *sigh*
I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid of leaving my family. My 70 yr old husband and I are raising 2 of our grandchildren and the boy is severely developmentally delayed (he doesn't talk and he's not potty trained - he's 8). I have to find a residential program for him. And it will break his heart.
Yeah, I'm a control freak (I'm a Mainframe Systems Programmer - the ultimate control freak) and letting the people I love know how upset I am about all this is just not something I'm able to do. I'm the rock! I can get through anything! I am a prayer warrior and God loves me best!
...and I think this may be the monster that defeats me. I don't expect anyone to come to my rescue, as it were, I just needed a place to yell this all out before I explode.
Oh, and I'm finally losing weight again :-) I'm below 300 which I haven't seen in 15 years. Cool.
Friday, October 08, 2010
(copied from BAYBELIEVER who copied PATRISNA who shamelessly copied from ChrisTurtle)
Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. phone solicitor (yes... telemarketer)
2. cowboy boot maker (Justin Boots in Ft. Worth, TX)
3. nursing assistant (nursing home)
4. mainframe systems programmer
Four movies I have watched more than once:
1. It's A Wonderful Life
2. Wizard of Oz
3. The Polar Express
Four places I have lived:
1. Trumansburg, NY
2. Ft. Worth, TX
3. Berkshire, NY
4. Frankfort, KY
Four Places I have been:
1. Cambridge, Ontario Canada
2. Fremont, CA
3. Denver, CO
4. Miami, FL
Four of my favorite foods:
1. cream of asparagus soup
2. beef stroganoff
3. roast leg of lamb (more mint jelly!)
Four TV shows I watch:
1. Antiques Road Show
2. Billy the Exterminator (hilarious!)
3. Holmes on Homes (I need him)
4. Fox News
Four places I would rather be right now:
2. Englewood, FL (my parents)
3. on a beach
4. did I mention home? oh, ok... heaven
Four things I am looking forward to this year:
1. losing weight... any weight at all
2. walking better and farther and pain free
3. buying a new vehicle (probably a Toyota Sienna)
4. my grandson talking
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
closed (that's where the boogey man lives, doncha know)
2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotels?
Yes... and never seem to use them!
3. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
4. Would you rather be attacked by a bear or a swarm of bees?
5. Do you have freckles?
6. What is your biggest pet peeve?
7. Have you ever peed in the woods?
8. Do you ever dance if there's no music playing?
yes (but there's always music playing in my head)
9. Do you chew your pens and pencils?
10. Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
11. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
12. What is your favorite food?
roast leg of lamb with mint jelly
13. What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
It's A Mad,Mad,Mad... World; Wizard of Oz; Avatar
14. Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
no - campfire girl
15. Can you change the oil on a car?
I've never tried
16. Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
17. Ever ran out of gas?
yes (the fuel gage was broken)
18. Are you lazy?
to nth degree
19. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?
20. How many languages can you speak?
21. Who is better Leno or Letterman?
22. Do you sing in the car?
23. Ever eat a pierogi?
not that I'm aware of
24. First concert?
Black Sabbath (with Ozzie) in Dallas, TX 1976
25. Where would you be able to spend hours and be happy?
by the sea
26. What's your favorite kind of doughnut?
27. Do you have any tattoos or piercings?
2 holes in each ear
28. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?
29. Are you still friends with the people you knew in middle school or high school?
A couple online
30. What is the last thing you ate?
banana & half of an Everything bagel w/cream cheese
31. What did you want to be when you grew up?
A rock and roll singer
32. Name three things that are close to you:
coffee mug, water bottle, keyboard
33. What was your best subject in school?
34. What is your favourite restaurant?
there's this little place in New Orleans... Chef Prudhomme's
35. Any hidden talents?
my left thumb is double jointed
36. What is your favourite girl's name?
37. Would you rather be a rock star or a famous athlete?
Rock star ..
38. What are you wearing right now?
black slacks, light blue smock top
39. Did you graduate from college?
Yes - 2 yr
40. Do you have any nicknames?
41. How do YOU de-stress?
42. What's the longest amount of time you've gone without food?
3 days (I drank lake water and contracted ameobic dysentary... thought I would die)
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