Friday, May 06, 2011
Hi Everybody.... I'm still here. I haven't written in such a long time; and even when I do it's on the private blog that only a few of you subscribe to. But I love that you're still reading. I've made a new goal for myself on the 'Other Goals' page. Well, I've made a few, but this one is that I'm making it a goal to write in this blog at least once per week! I miss you guys. I miss the outpouring of support that I used to get. The support on the private blog is great too. Any of you who've been following me for some time will remember the blogs that I used to have on here. I quite often poured my heart out. I had to remove those blogs from here and move them to a private space; for safety reasons.
Well, anyway, I'm doing well now. My loyal followers know that I was going through a very difficult time for a long time. That's over now. The best part is... God used the trauma to bless me. The bible says that He will restore the missing years. Well, I live in an awesome place now. I'm doing well. I can live alone without the need for a roommate. It's in a brand new building so my apartment is very nice. It's in a great location as well. It's owned and run by a very reputable company that is known for keeping their buildings clean and well kept.
Anyway, the program that I was part of that allowed me to get this special place was a program run by the local Women's & Children's Centre. I am an outreach client of theirs. The trauma in my past qualified me to be part of this program that helps with transitional housing issues.
Well, last week, I was invited among a group of other women from the Women's Shelter to be part of a make-over day! It happened this week on Monday. There's a special program here in Ontario run by the Canadian Council for Abuse Awareness (CCFAA). Abuse is something that all of the women in the group on Monday have in common; and is what brought us to the shelter in the first place. This organization has a program where they bring in groups of women, such as us, and they give them make-overs for a day! There are hair stylists, make-up and clothing people; who all volunteer their services to the organization for the day. The organization has a warehouse of things that are donated to them for the purposes of helping abused people who are in transition. Among this merchandise is is clothing as well.
We each had our hair done. Then make-up done. Then we got to pick out a couple outfits that we were allowed to keep. Then... this is the biggie... we got to pick out a new leather jacket, leather purse, and wallet... all by Danier Leather!!! It's awesome! We had such a fun day. I didn't have anything extreme done with my hair because I really didn't want to cut it short. But the stylist trimmed it and styled it for me in a fun way that looked kinda sexy; if I do say so myself. There were before & after shots taken and they will be sending them to me.
The best part is... all the make-up, hair, and clothes turned out to be a bonus. Truly. I spent the day with the most amazing people.
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
I had a big God Stop moment today! Like most women, what ever your size and shape... you don't see yourself as you are. We see ourselves as too fat, too thin, to tall, too short, too... something! Granted it's important to want to feel great, and feel sexy; but mostly we do it for the men in our lives. I'm no different. Granted I don't have a man in my life at this time; something that is definitely God's path for me right now, and not something I would have chosen on my own; but I'm here & this is it.
However, I still think about 'Mr. Right'. Not just to say I wish he was here, but I try to keep myself in shape and looking good with my future man in mind. I try to eat healthy, and workout. I've come a long way in that department. As my SparkFriends you know how far I've come because you've been with me through the whole journey. As much as I need to be healthy (again; as my long & loyal SparkFriends, you know why my needs are so important, and not just the typical needs), but I also want to make sure that when I meet 'him', that I look good. I want his first impression of me to be 'Damn! She's hot. I gotta get to know her'.
However, it's not just about the outside. I want him to say these things because he sees something in my personality that he's immediately hooked on. Also for me, though, I'm learning to be sooo cool with being single. For the first time, I'm truly enjoying the single life. I have a nice life built for myself now and it's getting better all the time. I like it. I don't always want to be single, but I'm enjoying it. I still have some struggles with my mental health issues, but they're no longer severe. It's amazing what a sense of security can bring you.
I'm told all the time that I look good. So why don't I always see it. Out of the 75 lbs I originally lost, I've gained back 25; and I've only lost about 5 of that again. I want to lose that last 20 plus another 10 for good measure; despite the fact that I get compliments all the time. Some even say it's too much. Lately, I've been doing some extra worrying about that. (My private blog, which some of you subscribe to, has an entry with some God Stop moments about a lesson on worry).
Anyway... the TV was on this morning. I'm not much of a TV watcher, but it was on and a talk show was on with a guest who said that they had done some anonymous surveys where they asked men about things like how attractive their wives are. They said that most men see their wives as hot and attractive but they get hurt when their wives don't believe them. The guest that was speaking said that we need to actually like ourselves the way we are! We all look good!
Anyway... I saw this as another God Stop moment because this message came to me at a time when I've begun to fret, again, about how I look. I am beautiful in God's eyes, and the man that He has planned for my future, will see me that way too; otherwise it won't be a union set by God, in which case it won't last anyway!
Anyway... whenever 'he' comes along... whether it be next week or next year... I'll let you all know what I think his first reaction to me is gonna be. I think he's gonna say that I'm HOT... 'cause I am! Inside and outside! No one is perfect, so why try to be?! So ladies... you ARE HOT! REALLY damn HOT... no matter what your size and shape! And, when your guy tells you that you are... believe him...'cause it seems that he really does believe it!
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
Hello to all my dearest SparkFriends. I have missed you and SparkPeople so much. Sometimes I forget what life was like before you. Just to think... I signed up to lose weight, and I got so much more! There's no way to describe it, but I don't have to because you guys know all about it with SP. No other weight loss program comes even close to offering as much as SP offers us. The tools, the professional support, the education, the support of other users, the program, the support, the motivational tools; and oh... don't let me forget the AWESOME support! lol
Anyway... since I was on here last and wrote a long blog, my life has changed a lot. I remember telling you about the fact that I had to move. You're all aware that I had no choice because of my long history of bad roommates. It still amazes me how difficult it is to find someone with common sense and responsible instincts. Seems they have no concept of how to respect themselves, let alone someone else. They literally want to move in, take all you have, destroy it and move on without having to pay for any of it. What happened to people who used to have strong desires to do the right thing, work hard, be responsible and like it? What happened to people who used to know a good deal when they saw it? Well, anyway, I was in a mess that's for sure. I was lost and heartbroken and thought I could very likely end up on the street; and I didn't seem to be able to take control of any of it. I was left with nothing to do but to hand it over to God. But, oh wait! Maybe that was the point of the lesson!
Well, Iíve moved again since that! Into my own place. I also had to give away about 60% of all that I owned to move. My last apartment was about 1000 square feet with lots of extra storage. This new place is only 513 square feet with absolutely NO storage! But I didn't care! I sorted, and moved stuff around and gave tons of stuff to charity. I gave away my entertainment unit, my large TV, one of my small TVís, my stereo & speakers, my dining room set, my curio cabinet, my coffee & end tables, 2 large storage cabinets, my microwave and stand, another kitchen cabinet that I used as an island in the kitchen; my freezer, several bookshelves, 2 computer desks, a futon, a trundle bed, a dresser, a deacons bench, several small side tables, a few other miscellaneous things; and about 60 large moving boxes filled with all sorts of household items! But guess what?! Iím happier. I feel lighter and freeíer. Itís awesome! I've been here now since October 1st and I still get up every morning and thank God for giving me this place. It's very nice; and very well decorated. Money is still super tight, but that's OK. I'm so at peace that I don't care too much about that. It's mine, I'm safe here, I don't need roommates that will mentally, emotionally or financially abuse me; and I have a beautiful view!
It's taking me a while to recover from all the emotional damage that was done to me, but I am doing so well these days it's incredible. I am finding myself lately saying to people "I'm happy". I love it. I have a nice place, in a great location, I've built myself a nice life with volunteer work and other things that keep me busy; and I am safe!!! I am healing very well. Iím still doing counselling with my pastor, but Iím also getting more and better support from the medical industry as well. I had gone back on medication again for about 6-8 months; which was good in the beginning and then it started to go bad again. So I've stopped taking them again, and I'm doing very well. I am happy. God is awesome, and he's using me to do some great things; but that's another blog for later. God has helped me make some awesome changes. Iíve gone from being overwhelmingly shy and social-phobic, overweight, and tired while suffering from Major Depression, Anxiety, and Bi-polar Disorder; to being part of several ministries at my church; which is a large church with quite a few people (300-400 most Sundayís). One of those ministries being the Welcome Centre! Front and foremost of the social scene in this church. Me! God is so good!
For those of you who subscribe to my other, private, blog, you will find a much longer blog describing some great things Iíve been through in the past months; and how God has brought me through them... including how I got the apartment that Iím now living in. I'm sorry that I can't talk about the more personal things on here anymore, but privacy became an issue because SP doesn't have privacy settings that are realistic; and my safety became an issue.
Hugs and many thanks to all of you for the awesome support. I have another couple blogs I will write later to talk about some other stuff, such as what I've learned.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Is it just me, or does it seem that men go out of their way to misunderstand women? AWWWWWW It makes me crazy to see how a guy absolutely insists on misunderstanding everything to a ridiculous extreme! To make it worse, he tells others and it makes me look like a sleaze, or an idiot or something. How can one person be so far out of reality? Seems I missed a class somewhere on how to relate to men. Of all the crap I've been through with this guy, he still insists on being wrong about me. Why is it so important to him that he sees things wrong? And to think I still have feelings for him... maybe I am an idiot... for a whole different reason. Truth is... I see a little boy inside him that needs love, and I would so very much like to be the one to give it to him, but in his eyes, not only am I ugly, but I'm not even human; and certainly not worth the energy it would take for him to be himself and stop working so hard to try to make others believe he isn't... or maybe it's himself he's trying to convince. Either way I pray for him every day...and I always will.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Earlier this year I did a 10 week very in-depth bible study program by Beth Moore called "Believing God", which is based on the book of the same name. In this study, Beth, opens with an explanation of something she calls a "GodStop". Her description of a GodStop is ďany way God discloses Himself to youĒ. Of course it takes time to build your faith, to not only believe 'iní God but to 'believe God'. That is; to believe Him about who He says He is, what He can do, who you are, and what you can do. There are many, many times in the average week when God shows Himself to each of us. Do we always recognize those moments? Probably not. Most of us, unless there's a situation boarding on 'miracle' or divine intervention that is outrageously obvious, we quite often don't recognize God's input, or hear His voice in our situations.
Well, Beth Moore, through this bible study asks people to start recording their GodStops. Carry a notebook in your purse, and jot down your GodStop moments as they occur. I do this with some brief notes that will allow me to remember the details later so I can go back and journal about them. It's an awesome practice. In the end by the time these 10 weeks are complete Beth leads you through YOUR whole lifeline and lets you go back and see God's intervention from the beginning of your life... even BEFORE you were a believer! This study is one of those rare, once-in-a-lifetime studies that is life altering. Not many studies can claim that, but I can assure you this study will change your life. Looking back on all the times that God has stepped into your life with not only the big moments but all the many small moments is completely overwhelming.
It's been quite a while now (probably close to a couple months) since the study has ended for me, but I've kept up, for the most part, recording my GodStops in my little notebook. No matter how many of these moments I record, it never ceases to amaze me just how awesome God is! I am simply dumbfounded at His perfect timing (I mean how EXACT it ALWAYS is, and how He NEVER misses one opportunity), His ability to never miss a detail, and to have the most incredible plan with details that I never could have come up with if I tried! I am always awe-struck. My breath is always taken away at how much better things work out when I let go of all my reservations and just let God take over. It always works out to be a way better plan than I ever could have conjured up!
Well, today I had a GodStop moment like that again. If you read my blog from yesterday you'll remember that I talked about how I feel I've backslidden a little when it comes to my counselling; because our beloved lead pastor has moved. I had some upsetting moments and it's in my nature to push everyone away when I'm feeling rejected or hurt; so I wasnít sure counselling was a good idea anymore. I was thinking ďmaybe I just need to handle this (my life) on my ownĒ. So, anyway, after talking about all this yesterday with you guys, my SP friends, I went today, and did my usual Monday volunteering at the church office. I love doing it. It's one of the highlights of my week. I do a couple days per week there all the time. Well, today, I'm busy working on my ongoing projects that have been assigned to me; when the phone rings. I answer it, and wouldn't you know it... it's our not-so-long-lost pastor. He asks me how are things going, what's new, and such things. I told him not much is new. I guess I've talked to him too much and he knows me well by now 'cause he asked me "really!?". So I started talking to him again. We had a great conversation. Plus, I told him how I had some fears about moving my counselling to another person; and a couple other issues. Well, by the time I hung up the phone I was feeling OK with the idea of going to this new counsellor.
So my GodStop moment today was that God sent me the one man who could get me past this... the man I felt safe talking to... just when I needed it. God came to my rescue again, just in the perfect moment!
Hereís more about the bible study. I highly recommend it. If you canít find a church in your area that is hosting this video bible study, you can do it online. It comes with massive amounts of homework for the whole 10 weeks, but I assure you, it is worth every single minute! I addition to the rather thick workbook with spaces for your homework assignments, I, personally, wrote an additional 80 pages of homework, all typed on the computer; simply because I found that the spaces provided in the workbook were nowhere near enough to write as much as I wanted to write to complete the homework.
Oh... today was the 1st day for our interim lead pastor who will be taking over until a new permanent pastor is found. He's already a member of our congregation and was a pastor in another church once, so he has lots of experience. Him, his wife, & family are already very much loved members of our church family. Today, though, she shows up on his first day at work with us... with a batch of hot muffins straight from the oven! I told her "wow, don't we just love you already?!". LOL Then I told him "I think she's a keeper!". He agreed! lol
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