Wednesday, March 03, 2010
Whatta ya know about paranoia?! I mean... can anyone help me and give me some advice on this. I have a friend that I've been noticing more and more is either just plain ol' mean and nasty or he's suffering from some serious paranoia. How do I know the difference? How do I know if this is just a personality flaw or some kind of symptom to something much more serious. It hurts; the nasty stuff he says, but it's so over-the-top off the wall, and sometimes creepy, that I'm just in shock. He says stuff that isn't logical and makes no sense to me. I'm just concerned for him, and for myself too. How far could this go? How big of a deal is this? Could he potentially hurt someone, or himself? I've tried to do some reading on this but it didn't really help me much. Of course, the obvious final question is "am I the one being paranoid thinking about this?" lol
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Once in a while... in the blue moon of blue moons... I actually get homesick when the sky is about to fall in with no hope. It's during these times I just wanna go home. This is an awesome video & song! It helps take me home when I can't otherwise go.
I hate to admit it but I think Paul is right yet again. You can take the girl out of Newfoundland, but you can't take Newfoundland out of the girl. He always called me his tough little redneck Newfie girlfriend. LOL Sometimes I think maybe he was right.
God bless Newfoundland
Friday, February 26, 2010
As Sparkers we've all been well educated on the importance of setting small goals. I feel like we’ve been let in on some special life’s secrets that the world doesn’t know about. That’s how much I’ve learned since joining SP. I want to shout and share it with the world. SP has taught us that we're not out to lose 50 lbs, 75 lbs, 100 lbs, 200 lbs, etc. We're out to lose 10, or maybe even 5! Then when that's gone, we're set out to lose another 5 or 10 & so on! We've been well taught how important it is to take small steps, don't 'bite off more than you can chew', be patient, don't give up when you have set backs (which you will), and to REWARD yourself. SparkPeople.com and their awesome team have taught all of us these things. It's so important to set small, achievable goals for yourself with rewards planned for each mini-goal reached.
For so many decades weight loss has been a struggle for most of the civilized world. SparkPeople.com has discovered the secrets! They're awesome, yet at the same time, when you look at it; it's all common sense! You put healthy stuff in, you’re gonna get healthy stuff coming back! Work hard and you will get results! The only thing we really need is the motivation and determination behind us to JUST DO IT! You need to have 'that' vision in mind of a goal that you want to achieve that's TRULY more important to you than eating is! Whatever your reasons for over-eating or being over weight... it's there for a reason. When you find the reason in your life that's truly more important than your reasons for eating... you WILL succeed! If you're not progressing, than what you think is more important isn't really! If it were you would be succeeding. So if you're trying to lose weight because you want to be alive for your family, but you're not making much progress in your weight loss, than you really have to wonder... why not? Weight loss is all about the psychological issues more than the physical. Overall, it's a small percentage of people who are overweight for medical reasons over psychological reasons. Once you’ve figured out your subconscious reasons for the need to eat and you’re willing to let go of whatever it is that you’re getting out of overeating, than you will succeed. These important SparkPeople theories about weight loss, I have found can be applied to other areas of my life as well. I’m learning so much about how to be a strong, capable, independent person from SparkPeople. This website has changed me in more ways than just the physical!
Back in the early 90’s (Christmas 1992, to be exact) I was in a major auto accident that changed my life. I was the passenger in a car with my (then) fiancé on an icy highway in central Ontario. It was Boxing Day. We were on our way north to visit his family for the remainder of the Christmas & New Year Holiday season. We lived in Barrie, and were on our way north on Highway 69 toward Sudbury; a drive that typically took us about 3 hours. We got as far as North Bay; and we drove around a large turn in the road, and suddenly we hit a pile up of cars that had already been crashing. We were the last car on a pile of 6 vehicles. They had to use the jaws-of-life to cut us out. They told us that we were extremely lucky for many reasons, but one being that our car was a rag-top convertible. It was a very nice sports car, and well built. Though our car was completely totaled, it was strong enough to withstand the crash, and protected us from being crushed. That was my lifestyle back then. If it wasn’t for that well built Chrysler I wouldn’t be sitting here typing this to you right now. In the emergency room later that evening, he said to me “Now you know why Highway 69 is called The Highway to Heaven”. I said to him “Oh great, so now you tell me!”.
My life changed in so many ways that day. I could, literally, write a book on the spinoff that affects my life to this day. For months after I was almost bedridden. I was able to get up and about but it would take a quite a while and I needed help. Getting to the bathroom alone or putting my clothes on without help was impossible for weeks after the accident. It took a long time for me to recover. I remember the day that I went to the bathroom alone. Then I came out and walked toward my bed, sat down and put my own clothes on… by myself! It took me quite some time to achieve all this… but I did it! ALONE! Just me, with no help from anyone! I truly and honestly felt like I could conquer the world. I sat there alone crying with joy and said out loud “look out world. I’m back & there’s no stopping me now!”. I called everyone I could think of to tell them how excited I was. I got responses that raged from “Yea, Ok… good for you” with a tone of “so what?”; to “Yea OK… Good for you” with a tone of “I’m so proud of you and so happy for you”; to a sarcastic “some of us have been doing that for quite some time now”. Yea, I know… there’s always the comedian in the bunch, especially in my family! There’s no end to the comedians! LOL
My point is that it was a small thing in my life… yet it wasn’t! It was HUGE! Just like each pound lost with SparkPeople. It’s a big deal! Nothing is a small achievement. It’s important and each step is important to changing the whole YOU! Weight loss isn’t just about changing your size, your weight, your clothing. It’s about changing who you are on the inside. There’s only one right way to change YOU... and it has to be done in 3 parts… body, mind, and spirit! If you don’t complete all 3 parts, or if you do a flimsy job on anyone of the 3, than the whole package will not be complete. You need to set your goals. You need to know the steps to achieve them, and the route you need to take to get there! And if you don't know, than you need to reach out to someone who can guide you in the right steps. Just like my journey north on that day after Christmas 1992. We could have gone a different route to Sudbury. We didn’t because the other route would have been about an hour extra, and being a snowy Ontario winter day we didn’t want to be on the road any longer than necessary. But guess what? For an extra hour, my whole life would have turned out completely different! Know what you want. Don’t be afraid of hard work, or how much time it takes to get there. The goal is to get there… alive and happy!
This week I had a couple things that got me excited, and made me feel proud like I just accomplished a goal. They were also small things, yet big things.
First, I learned to accept that my friend that I talked about in the last couple of blogs that’s leaving my life isn’t the end of the world. It’s my pastor. He’s been vital in my progress since last spring. He’s my pastor, my counselor, my greatest confident, and most of all he’s my friend. He’s leaving town. It devastated me to find this out. Thankfully God is good and didn’t leave me to learn this news with the rest of the masses. That would have been more than I could handle. This week, I’ve come to realize that life goes on. There is life after Cliff, and I will survive and be OK! He will forever be in my heart, and will forever be a vital person in my progress in my journey. Besides, it’s not like he’s going to Timbuktu… he’s just going to Whitby… a couple hours down the highway! He’s not leaving until the end of June and there’s already people talking about when they’re going to go & visit him. Plus his family is here in town & he assures me that he’ll be back to visit. So, you see, all is not as dire as my dragon would have me believe sometimes.
I’ve been super sick this week. It’s been many years since I was this sick. I couldn’t keep any food down for several days. I had, literally, no energy. Getting across the hall from my bedroom to the bathroom was a big deal. Honestly! I even passed out in the bathroom at one point. It’s been almost a week now since it hit me suddenly. My stomach is still unstable, but I’m eating. My legs are still jelly-like, but I’m getting up and out. So, my next big accomplishment this week… getting from my bedroom all the way to my kitchen without passing out or throwing up again! Woo Hoo! Look out world… here I come! It’s all a matter of perspective. Who’s to say what is truly a small goal or a small step, or what is a big one?
Love you SparkFriends for being such a vital part of my progress.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
WARNING: If you're a man, you'll not likely understand most of this... plus there's some serious PMSing happening here. You might wanna stay away for a while! hehehehe
Why are some men so insensitive?! How do they survive without any kind of soul?
I’m having hard time in the last day or so because one of the most important people in my life in the last year will won’t be in that position much longer. I feel completely lost. I didn’t get much sleep last night because of it. The few hours I did get were filled with bad dreams. I woke up in cold sweats and a panic. I’ve been up and down through the grieving process all day thinking about it. I’m sad. Losing someone special is terrible. But this is someone whose absence is going to leave a big gap in my life. A gap big enough that my life could be altered in some places and my views and feelings on other things in my life could change somewhat leaving me feeling a little short changed about some important issues. I know I have to work through the grieving process. I know it’s hard, and I know I will survive. I also know that God has some incredible blessings for me and that one day this will seem like a necessary chapter in the journey. I also know that I should be happy for my friend because he is excited over the changes that are happening; because he sees it as an exciting new chapter. However, knowing all this doesn’t really ease the pain much for me right now.
Well, you know how they say things come in three’s?! Well here’s the 2nd two ‘kicks’ that happened today!
There’s this other friend.... two actually! One is a guy that I almost never talk to anymore. He’s kind of cool, but he lives several hours away in Kitchener, Ontario; and, like me, he doesn’t have a car. Plus he has a girlfriend that doesn’t let him go to the bathroom alone without checking on him and accusing him of being unfaithful. So having a female friend for this guy is almost impossible. As such, we’ve kind of drifted apart. Well, last night he called me. We had a nice chat... or so I thought! He told me how to add him to his FaceBook list in such a way that his girlfriend wouldn’t know, and therefore wouldn’t freak out at him. I figured “why not?”. Well, today, our other mutual friend, who’s my ex-BF, says to me “so I heard that you’re trying to talk to him again”. Huh?! He called me! I didn’t ask him anything. He asked me! I had no reason, until now, not to want to chat with him. We’d been close friends for a number of years in the past and I thought that despite our distance and not much contact that we still were. We’d still be close if his GF wasn’t so ridiculously overprotective and jealous over things where there is no need for it. Next time, he calls I just won’t answer the phone! I recently lost a gift he gave me once... it’s a stainless steel flask for putting booze in. Not that I’d ever use it but I thought it was special because it came from him. Now, I’m thinking why bother wasting my energy on it. If I had it here now I’d want to throw it at him anyway!
Well, then to make my frustration even worse, my ex, got on his own train of mouthing-off at me about stuff that I figure is stupid. My ex did some training; and received a diploma; to be a counsellor. From my understanding it is basic counselling, and nothing that’s any kind of extreme or intense therapy, but counselling just the same. About 3 years ago he did some sessions with me. I felt that they helped. I really did. Granted there were things that are vital in my therapy to talk about that I couldn’t talk about with him based on the fact that he was my ex, and much of this stuff is about him. During our conversation today he makes a comment about him being my counsellor. I said “no you’re not. My pastor is my counsellor. You did some sessions with me 3 years ago, and nothing since. That’s not counselling”.
My pastor has years of medical school, university and seminary behind him to qualify him to be an awesome counsellor, pastor, and friend! He’s helped me through some very difficult things, and has helped me change my views on a number of vital life’s issues. Plus he’s helped me get past some of the hardest points of my social phobias; and helped me grow closer to God. That’s all just for starters!
Anyway, later, after all this; my ex emailed me asking for some business files. See, I still have tons of his business files on my computer from when we were together and I worked for him. Well, when we were separating I told him that his business would fall apart without me. I was right. He can’t even keep track of the file to print out invoices for his clients! That’s what he needed this time. The invoice template (which I hate because he should be using the one integrated with the bookkeeping software, but that’s another story and it just the bookkeeper in me that’s a bit perturbed on that). Last week, it was the letterhead template he lost! It makes me nuts that he can’t do this stuff without me.
Well, I guess he was insulted about my earlier comment about him not being my counsellor. In the same email where he’s asking me for the invoice template file, he’s also knocking my pastor (who he’s never met) down and calling him names; telling me that he doesn’t know counselling. All the while, telling me that he (my ex) is the only one who’s ever stood by me and supported me! AWWWWW I could have smacked him through the computer screen I was so angry! He’s supported me down the path of mental illness! Not that he hasn’t had his good points that I will be eternally grateful for; but I’m thinking I should just wipe out all his business files and let him fend for himself, or better yet let this month’s GF deal with him now. She should be his problem now not mine. Let her organize his business for him. I’m going through a whole grieving process, fighting depression (which is hard enough but I also live with someone with depression), and have no less than 4 other very big and serious issues on my mind; all at the same time; and these two guys who claim to be my friends have the sensitivity of a speeding freight train!
Is this just a male thing? Or am I just way to stressed? Or am I just a sucker for a cute face, with a stupid need to save every lost puppy I meet?
OK... thanks for listening. All that might have been a bad moon cycle, or maybe PMS, but I feel better now that my tantrum is over. Again, thanks so much my SparkFriends :-)
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
It's funny how two people want the same thing and neither of them are willing to reach out to the other in friendship. What's wrong with this picture? I guess I'll have to stick with my blogs, journals, and Twitter accounts for such things.
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