Friday, July 06, 2012
It's not often any more that I write a blog on here, like in my first couple years on SP; where I spilled my life. You helped me more than anyone ever had. Then safety became a factor, so I had to go back and delete most of my posts. It broke my heart, but I copied them into a private journal (including all the wonderful comments). Usually I write messages to help everyone else, but this time I need... something. Maybe advice, a sounding board, a shoulder to lean on, a place to vent. I'm not sure which of these it is.
My church is the center of my world, but somethings changed. It was my safe place; my happy place. Sunday's were my favorite day of the week. My days volunteering in the office, and the bible studies and such programs that I took part in filled the rest of my week. And, I was doing it all because of how much I love Jesus. For the first time I was stepping out of my comfort zone. I was opening up; starting to shine. Now, it is a place of pain for me. I come home each time and have a bad Bipolar crash.
Back in February I had a falling out with my spiritual counsellor, and close friend, who goes to my church. It sent me into a breakdown, and then another, and another... It was a nasty tailspin to say the least. Then, about a month later I found out that my confidence had been broken. My ex-counsellor had talked to someone. This sent me into a worse tailspin than the original break up. I've had several big trauma's this year; all tracing back to the first blow up... and all of it connected to my church, but it doesn't end there.
Just when I finally gathered strength to talk to my ex-counsellor about all of this, in an attempt to put the past in the past; I also finally got the nerve to open up to someone. This friend's heart was in the right place, I believe, but my doctors have since helped me see how damaging the things were that this friend said. As a result of my friends 'advice', I went to the meeting with a bad attitude; and again, it went badly. The meeting was short lived, we argued almost immediately, and I was kicked out.
I realized today that my hardest crashes are not always after I've seen my ex-counsellor; though those are still sometimes difficult. They're after I've talked to my friend, who says negative things about my counselor. To add to that I'm told that my way of doing things, about so many things, is not the right choices; which I hear as "you messed up. You're broken. You're not acceptable." My friend makes me feel bad about myself, but I have to see this person no matter what day it is, or why I'm there. Plus it's all backed up with classic mental health stigma when I'm told "It sounds like you're just in a pity party." I have Bipolar Disorder. That's a medical condition, not a low self-esteem!
A couple months later, I was requested to attend a meeting with my ex-cunselor and the pastors. All those authority figures, and me. It was meant to help and support me, but went very badly. I had more breakdowns in the following weeks. It turns out that my abusive past was subconsciously a factor. Doc says that my reaction was "classic transferrence of fear by an abuse victim". Doc said my ex-counsellor, as a professional, should have realized this would happen; but didn't. The meeting never should have happened.
Before February, I was meeting with this spiritual counsellor weekly; plus with my doctors for therapy every 6 to 8 weeks. I was doing well on this regiment. After the original insident, my therapy went to weekly for awhile; now I'm going every 2 weeks with my doctors. But I don't have my spiritual counselling any more, and it is hard to deal with.
My doctors tell me that I was victimized. It bothers me. I hate that word; victim. A victim because:
of the conditions behind why my spiritual counselling ended (things that I can't talk about on here; but it was a nasty situation in itself)
my confidence was broken - I still don't know who this other person may have talked to. I am in knots thinking about it
of the meetings that went badly, and resulted in nothing productive
my friend only says negative stuff about my counsellor, the situation; and Doc says that the advice I'm given by my friend is all "blame the victim mentality." Because of my vulnerability, I believe it sometimes.
I was never given a chance to tell my story; about why it all happened in the first place.
of the attitude of stigma and blaming the victim.
All of this has messed with my head badly. I've been through more medication changes this year, than in the rest of my life combined. And if you knew my medical history you would know that is a LOT of times. I have lost count this year. Neither, the counsellor or the pastors know that doc said to me about why my reactions were as they were. And, I don't see how I will have the opportunity to tell them. I'm feeling very rejected, and alone.
I still believe God wants me there as my church home; but I don't feel the Spirit there like I did before because it hurts to be there. Most of the time, after I've been there; no matter what day of the week it is, I come home and crash hard into a bad downward Bipolar swing that can last hours or days. How do I get past this? I have forgiven my ex-counsellor. We talk again (though not as counsellor / counsellee; and tension is still there somewhat).
Thank God, for Jesus, or I wouldn't be in one piece right now. He's gotten me through this.
Thank you friends, for listening. Just getting it all out, helps.