SPARKGIRL32   30,277
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Day 412: My SparkJourney (Revised!) of Weight Loss/Self-Discovery

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Updated my about me, thought I'd put it on here for everyone to see :) It's long, but I think you guys will enjoy it!

Happy Easter, y'all!

If you had told me pre-SparkPeople (March 9, 2010) that the site would trigger me to embark on a journey of self-discovery that would cause me to lose over fifty-pounds (and counting!), remain smoke-free (for GOOD this time), land me position as a weight loss coach, and ultimately help me realize I wanted to take my passion for helping people build their self-esteem and turn it into my full-time career, I would have never believed you!

My life changed drastically (for the better) the night of March 9, 2010. I was trying to organize some of my old e-mail accounts and came across one of the many e-mails that SparkPeople had sent me over the years. I had joined SparkPeople a couple of times before and never got involved with the site. I would come across the e-mails every once in awhile and just ignore them. This time, I decided to re-sign up just ONE more time (I’m big on fresh beginnings, so I created a whole new account). I can remember my sister introducing me to the site years prior and thinking it was very cool, but I was very hesitant to get involved with the site. Something I now realize is because I was scared of failure. After all, I was never successful on a diet, how could a site ever change that? Oh, how I couldn’t have been more wrong :).

So many people in my life, especially family members, put so much emphasis on my physical appearance. I hated it, I felt like I offered so much more to others than my looks, but was never appreciated for anything besides them. My parents rarely congratulated me for doing extremely well in school (it was expected, because that’s what just what I did), but the second I gained an ounce; I didn’t hear the end of it. I can remember my grandma telling me I was fat when I was in eighth grade (probably 5’ 2’’ and 115 pounds) and my dad telling me I was “getting pudgy” at 5’ 3’’ and 128 pounds.

The one thing that my parents always emphasized as being most important (my looks) was the same thing that was constantly under attack and was never good enough. Not surprisingly, my self-esteem was awful and I had huge body image issues, two things I never realized before SparkPeople. Obviously, a healthy self-esteem cannot be based solely on something so superficial as looks. With my parents focusing on the wrong things, I found it hard to realize and be proud of my true, more important strengths. I often sold myself short and didn’t give myself credit for things like my extraordinary ability to connect and help other people and my ability to do very well in school. Most likely because any good quality I had was treated as something that was expected from me, and not all that great anyway.

When I was 18, I got fed up with my family’s negative reinforcement. I no longer wanted to live up to everyone’s standards of how I should look. I began gaining weight, which was a psychology textbook subconscious choice of rebellion that I made to send everyone who made standards for me a clear message: I don’t care what you think; I will do what I want! My actions showed it, I did not care about what I put in my body and ate/drank whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. It wasn’t uncommon for me to consume 5,000 to 6,000 calories in a single day. I never was hungry (always ate to the point of being uncomfortably full) and drank sugary alcoholic drinks most nights of my college career. Not surprisingly, with habits like these, my medium 5’ 3’’ frame gained a staggering 72 pounds in just four years.

Many unintended consequences resulted due to this weight gain. Graduating college was a time of reflection for me. I looked at where I had come since I began college, both positive and negative. At the time, I focused on the negative things. I could no longer shop at Victoria’s Secret because my breasts had gotten too big, causing me to have to wear sports bras. I couldn’t buy pants at my favorite clothing store. I wasn’t able to wear most of my old clothes because I no longer fit in them—even the loose fitting shirts. During the last year and a half or so of college, I pretty much avoided mirrors completely and stopped caring about how I looked. I had come to terms with the “fact” that I “had a slow metabolism” and “would never be skinny,” because I was told growing up that I would ALWAYS have to watch my weight due to my genetic “predisposition.”

All throughout college, there was a part of me that always thought I would lose the weight, so I pretty much kept ALL of my clothes in hopes that I would someday fit into them (even though my bingeing proved I didn’t genuinely want to lose the weight). Obviously, since I had gained so much, I had so many different sizes of clothes and LOTS of them. When I was moving out of my last place in college, it was the first time I thought to myself that it was time to give up. I had lugged these clothes from apartment to apartment, never being able to fit into them and gaining more weight on top of it. I just had to get over the fact that I wasn’t going to ever lose this weight; I’d always be fat (hey, my genetics said so, it wasn’t my fault!), and that I wasn’t capable of having the willpower to give up binge eating. Then, I thought about how much money all these clothes cost me (haha-I’m known for being somewhat of a cheapo), and decided I couldn’t bear to give away that much money. I’m sure a little something inside of me subconsciously hoped someday it would happen. Thank Goodness I decided to keep these clothes, because I can now fit into ~90% of them again!

After I moved out of my college apartment, I had to face a lot of things that I never had to before. For the first time in my life I didn’t know what I wanted to do with it (I’ve always been a very structured planner). I decided to use this stress-free time to quit smoking, and I did on February 15, 2010. I had smoked regularly for six and a half years and knew that if I didn’t give it up when I had next to no stress, I’d risk never giving the awful habit up. So I axed the smokes (and I’m proud to say I’ve been smoke-free since)! I knew in order to get serious about giving up smoking this time around, I had to give up what was always my downfall: drinking (when I would get intoxicated I would justify just having ONE cigarette and eventually end up starting back up after this happened numerous times). From February 15, 2010 to April 9, 2010 (Lent and then some) I didn’t have a sip of alcohol either (which was a big deal for me since I had just graduated college and was drinking heavily 2-5 days a week).

For the first time in years, I was finally able to complete a health goal I had set for myself. It was just like Chris Downie explains in “The Spark,” I was so confident in myself because of my streak. Also, this was the first time I wasn’t able to use school as a way of feeling accomplished and creating a positive self-worth. I was constantly doing extracurriculars like Yearbook or summer school to keep me busy when I was younger, so the feeling of school being over was such a foreign one. I loved school because it made me feel accomplished, I knew if I put the effort in, I’d get the results. Setting goals and completing them gave me the same feeling. I was so proud I was able to FINALLY quit smoking after all these years.

By the time March 9 came around, I was ready to tackle another one of my problems: my weight. I can’t even begin to explain how much grief my family had been giving me about my weight gain, and I was beginning to understand they were partly right (even though they weren’t concerned about my health as much as they were concerned about me looking “pretty”). At 197 pounds, I was over 28 pounds into the obese category. When I would work out with my dad before joining Sparks, my heart rate would go crazy (190’s) while I was doing something as simple as walking on a treadmill. I needed to do something about this, if I didn’t I was well on my way to an early grave and a miserable life full of health problems.

A part of me never wanted to lose weight because I didn’t want anyone who ever made fun of me for gaining weight to “win” (and there were dozens)—the more I spent on Sparks, the more I realized that by being so stubborn I was the one who was losing and missing out on life. I HAD to ignore my parents, who would take credit for my weight loss even faster than they would deny any responsibility for my rebellion that caused me to gain the weight. I convinced myself, I was doing this for me, and my parents became pretty supportive of what I was trying to do.

The first 50 pounds came off in a little under six months. I was on fire, when I had off weeks…I forgave myself and resumed my healthy lifestyle immediately. These off weeks eventually turned into days, which then turned into meals. All of a sudden, it felt weird when I didn’t work out and eating healthy was worth way more than any piece of junk food because I felt so great all of the time. The longer I was going at it, the more confident and dedicated I was to being healthy and losing weight. I almost didn’t understand how I possibly thought being healthy was all that hard in the first place.

Then, expectations began to change. My parents started taking credit for my weight loss, saying them calling me fat and telling me I needed to lose weight was the reason I lost the weight (which drove me nuts, because that was why I gained the weight in the first place—to rebel and prove a point). At the same time, when I would confront them about things they said to me when I was younger, they would deny ever saying them. If you ask my dad today, he denies ever saying anything about my weight ever. They would invalidate my emotions and say I was overreacting, that I gained all the weight because I went to college and it wasn’t their fault. While I recognize I would have gained weight like anyone when they go away to college, my relationship with food wasn’t a normal one, I worked for every pound I put on by binge eating and never doing any physical activity. While I take responsibility for these actions, these actions were a subconscious choice I made to rebel against my parent’s negative reinforcement. Gaining 72 pounds in four years is a psychological issue, not the freshman 15. The fact that my parents wouldn’t admit this, began making comments about what I should and should not be eating again, and tried to take credit for all of my hard work drove me nuts. I found myself rebelling again, gaining and losing the same five pounds over and over and over again. Every time I would gain five or so pounds because of binge eating, I would remember how hard I worked to get where I was and lose it. Then I would rebel again and binge eat, something that was usually triggered by a comment my dad made. When I started to get conscious of this behavior because I had been through it before, it was even more irritating! I would tell myself his comments didn’t get to me and he couldn’t bring me down, then I would STILL binge eat and rebel. It was so annoying! My food issues came back as quickly as they seemed to have disappeared. I started to feel out of control again and down on myself. I was so aggravated because I had already gone through this and felt like I couldn’t control myself and stop my destructive behavior.

People who cared about me told me to get out of the negative environment I was in, and it wasn’t until I was practically forced to that I did. It made me realize something very important: how successful you are (when it comes to anything, not just weight loss) is directly correlated to your attitude and the energy you are giving off. If you’re positive, you will see positive results. Your environment can make or break you, so make sure you are in a good one. If you can’t physically leave your negative environment, do your best to distance yourself from the people who make it negative. This cycle has lasted over five months now and won’t end until I am genuinely content. I must let go of the idea that I have to do everything perfect and never fail, something that has been drilled in my head for my entire life. It’s tough! But I can do it, and so can you!

Awareness is key. I realized that I was using my weight loss journey as a way to build my self-esteem, which was good at a point in time because it worked, but no longer. I am now realizing my self-esteem needs work that losing weight won’t help with. It has to come from inside of me. I won’t stop sabotaging myself until I am comfortable enough to not care if people want to take credit for what I’ve done or talk down to me because of new expectations they have set for me. Bottom line, I create my own expectations and rebelling to prove a point only hurts me and harbors a negative environment. Easier said than done when it comes to dealing with the subconscious, though :).

Moral of my story? You’ll have your ups, you’ll have your downs…but EVERYTHING happens for a reason. If I hadn’t gained the weight in the first place and my parents’ goal of “scaring” me from getting fat worked, I would still have all these self-esteem and body image issues. After all, it was gaining all the weight that put my body into prospective for me and caused me to realize I wasn’t fat (even though I was being told otherwise from a very young age). For that reason, I won’t have to struggle with body image issues like many people do their whole lives (and for that I’m grateful). If I hadn’t gained the weight, I wouldn’t have ended up on SparkPeople, where I have helped and motivated many other people. I wouldn’t have gotten the opportunity to figure out I wanted to be a weight loss coach and ultimately a life coach so quickly. If I didn’t hit this obstacle after I had lost my first 50-pounds, I wouldn’t have been as helpful to others while I’m coaching them through their weight loss.

My future is one full of helping and motivating many other people, using my gift of helping others to change the world for the better. What is your future going to be? Are you going to take your setbacks and turn them into something positive, or are you going to dwell on your past problems? While many of my insecurities were created because of the environment I grew up in, I’m the one who has the control to let it make or break my life. While I didn’t realize the type of negative talk my family members practiced growing up wasn’t normal at the time, I do now. I can either internalize their issues they project onto others (regardless of whether or not they realize it) or use that knowledge to help other people who are going through a similar circumstance. I choose the latter.

I could have chosen to believe that I had a “predisposition” to be fat and just fall into a life full of health problems, but I didn’t. I am choosing to tell my story, so people can feel empowered to change their life the way that I have changed mine. If I can do it, I just KNOW you can. But that doesn’t even matter, because the only one who has to believe that you can is YOU.

I love you all! I owe you my life’s happiness, your love and support is exactly what I needed when I wasn’t getting it at home. Lean on the community if you need to, knowledge is power; use all of the tools you have at your disposal. We’re all so lucky to be a part of such a positive community, take advantage of it. Get involved in teams; write on the message boards…it’ll only bring you closer to your goals. Give other people advice; you’re more likely to practice what you preach. Aim high and don’t be afraid to fail, we learn so much when we do. Be accountable for your actions. Remember, you are perfect the way you are right NOW, no number on the scale defines who you are as a person.

Above all, you can do ANYTHING you put your mind to!


And my before and afters :)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RUN2MYDREAMS 5/1/2011 11:25PM

    Thank you so much for sharing/writing this! What a wonderful story you have and it's so great that you've shared it. It's inspiring & motivating to me. If you don't mind my asking, what steps did you take to become a weight loss coach? Your blog spoke to me because I want to become a Children's Fitness Specialist-once I am more fit to do so of course. So I'm just wondering about the steps you took.

Thank you again for sharing your story! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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OCFERNAN 4/26/2011 5:26PM

    hey -- better reading this blog later than never :)

haven't forgotten about you! glad to see how far you've come. i already knew a good portion of the story from chats and blogs past -- but this had a lot more analysis of what had happened. a life coach? that's great! so have you started training? do you earn some sort of certification?

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SHORTY470374 4/26/2011 2:22PM

    amazing emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ZANNACHAN 4/26/2011 11:59AM

    What a great blog! You'd had such an incredible journey, and you have come so far--not just in terms of losing weight, either. In terms of other healthy lifestyle choices (cutting back on drinking and quitting smoke are BIG lifestyle changes!) and in terms of what's going on inside.

I agree, having a positive attitude is essential. I know this guy who is probably the most pessimistic person I've ever met and he constantly says I'm the most optimistic person he's ever met, and we'd argue over who was more realistic all the time. The problem is, if you are a pessimist and KNOW you can't do something, you won't. You'll know you can't do so even if you try, you'll set yourself up for failure, and most of the time you won't even try. So yeah, realistic, but is that the reality you want? Where as you if you KNOW--or at least think--that you can do something, and really try, you may succeed. I don't expect to succeed in everything I do all the time, but I also don't expect to fail; I know that I can do most things I set myself out to to do, and I accomplish a lot more because I'm willing to try than I ever would be sitting on my couch saying I can't!

It's a lot easier to keep a positive attitude if you surround yourself by positive, supporting people, too. It's easier to believe you can do something when other people are saying, "yeah, you can totally do this!" instead of "What the heck are you thinking? You're too stupid/fat/genetically predisposed to do that." Which is not to say that it's impossible to still be positive and successful, but it's a lot harder to do and requires a stronger core of self esteem to overcome those obstacles.... and the negativity keeps chipping at it because that little voice in your head that says you "can't" is easier to believe if people around you are saying the same thing.

That's one of the reasons that I've found the sparks community so valuable. I've really struggled with trying to lose the weight I put on after I hurt my hip. I wouldn't say that I have been super successful at weight loss so far; I've stopped ballooning up like a marshmallow (I continued to gain weight for almost 2 years after I first started changing my diet and doing therapy for my hip) But I've only lost about 10 pounds in 2 years; scarcely a huge accomplishment. It would be really easy to say that I *can't* lose weight. Maybe it's my genetics. Maybe I screwed up my metabolism beyond repair. Maybe it's because I can't prioritize losing weight above my family, my school/career. Maybe it's because I hurt my hip and so my exercise is limited, or my husband's food allergies. It would be so easy to throw in the towel and say "this is pointless. I'm never going to lose the weight so why keep torturing myself."

But sparks helps keep my perspective. I'm healthier than ever. After, what, 8 years of medication for the hip every day, I now only need it occasionally. My cholesterol etc. are better. I've gotten muscle back. I can do things I couldn't even try to do even 2 years ago. And you know what--I'm down 10 lbs (or so). If I had given up, I not only wouldn't have lost those 10 lbs, I probably would have GAINED at least 10 lbs. Sparks has helped keep that in perspective.

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JOIE501 4/25/2011 1:38PM


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DEBBIE19580 4/25/2011 1:34PM

    you have done soooo awesome!!!! quitting smoking in itself is tough, but you quit smoking and lost weight, i swear thats a miracle in itself. its so true, what you say about beleiveing in yourself, im really working on that one now. you really do HAVE to beleive in yourself, my negative thinking has gotten me negative results. and other family members have put me down and make horrible remarks, i used to take it really hard at first, heck bob just said to me yesterday when he was putting the grandkids baskets together, he had the candy here in the house for A WEEK, he noticed two average size candy bars missing, he knew i ate 2 of them, then and i heard him in his room, saying f-in slob to me, i had counted those calories into my daily intake and you know i just kinda laughed to myself, i didnt even shoot back with a word to him, and just kinda said to myself, i feel sorry for you, cause you have NO IDEA. ive been working on my self esteem, but it is a daily struggle, it kinda takes you back when someone does remarks like that, its so true about being in a negative enviroment, cause when your made to feel like your fat, fat, fat, its feels like someone just pushing your head down further and further and your just trying to get yourself back up again. i guess they go for my weakness, my weight and keep on me. but thats his problem, not mine. im doing the absolute best i can now and im doing it ONLY for me. im reading self esteem stuff to remind myself that i have to build it up so there remarks don't crush me and make me feel worthless. this is a great blog, im happy you wrote it, and youve come so far, at such a young age. i wish i had the insight a long time ago, but im also very happy and grateful that i have it now. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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RIVEKKAH 4/25/2011 10:25AM

    Amazing story & awesome pics! :)

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BLAIRJ1 4/24/2011 11:31PM

    Loves it. You're a true inspiration!

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CALIKIKI 4/24/2011 11:09PM

    Way to go! Amazing progress and story. Thank you for sharing.

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JESSBOND 4/24/2011 10:28PM

    This is such an awesome blog...
I feel like I could be the one writing it because almost everything you said you went through, I've been going through also... especially the family "support".
You've come a great way and you are surely an inspiration!!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KLASSIE 4/24/2011 10:01PM

    This was a true looking glass blog. Saw myself as the parent, and as the child, in this blog and I thank you for your honesty and transparency. Good luck in your career; you have been quite an inspiration and I expect you will continue to be that to many.

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FITNESSFOODIE 4/24/2011 9:36PM

    Great blog, and so honest! Family baggage can get very heavy over time, recognizing it for what it is is so enlightening! Thank you for sharing your inspiring journey! emoticon

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MELLYBEANS0919 4/24/2011 6:14PM

    It is good you are able to move on, push past the negativity and find the true you. Thanks so much for sharing. Self-esteem is a hard one, I am working on that myself.

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2BFREE2LIVE 4/24/2011 6:07PM

    Yes I agree you can do any thing you just have to work hard. You have had an amazing journey in such a short life span, learning things about yourself that many never learn and taking action to correct all the things you can I applaud you in your determination. BRAVO!!! Sandy

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HDHAWK 4/24/2011 5:13PM

    You're such a wise young woman. I'm old enough to be your mom and am still working on the "not caring what other people think" issue. You'll make a great life coach! emoticon

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REDRAIDERPROF 4/24/2011 5:05PM

  Wow, you have had quite a journey. Congratulations to you for maing some of the realizations and the positive power of SP.

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Day 409: I'm Back :)

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Pick up Jillian Michaels' new book "Unlimited"--challenge coming Sunday!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DEBBIE19580 4/23/2011 11:41AM

    AWESOME blog!!! i didn't realize i had self esteem issues till someone actually told me!!!didn't beleive him AT ALL, till i did some research on it, hate to admit it, but i do, for real. i do appreciate that he told me, or i would of NEVER known, you think u would know!! but the first step is realizeing it, then admitting it, so that's where im at and i'm a workin on it too. I loved the book!!! I finished reading it yesterday morning. Yur AWESOME!!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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AGIGS22 4/22/2011 3:01PM

    great to hear from you!

glad you are aware of what's been bothering you and your self esteem issues. thats the hardest part! you are strong and will get back at it!
can't wait to pick up j.m.'s new book!

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MZ_OPTIMUSPRIME 4/22/2011 2:17PM

    I went through that too with my fiance when I lost weight a few years back. I was down to 125 and I think the words people gave me when I was thin is worse than what I go through being overweight.
You're so right about others insecurities being projected on you. Its a little bit of jealousy, and I know its hard to accept since its those that you love, but just keep ur head up...
Good luck on the challenge hun..

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SHELLREED 4/22/2011 12:54PM

    We need to meet our own expectations first and foremost!!! good luck with your challenge and I will look for this book and hope to see the light like you did!! thank you for sharing.

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2BFREE2LIVE 4/21/2011 10:26PM

    Missed you glad to see your pretty face again. Have a great Easter weekend. Sandy

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THIN4_25 4/21/2011 9:48PM

    Good to see your back! I will try and get the book before Sunday...I haven't seen it at my bookstore, but I will check Saturday when I am out. It sounds like something I def. need to check out. My hubby is all the time saying how low of self-esteem I have. (He doesn't understand it, but I think the majority of men usually like themselves no matter what:skinny, fat, bald, hairy. They usually think they look hot!) I find myself constantly belittling myself and comparing myself to everyone else, but I think it stems from my father always picking at my weight. I don't think I ever felt pretty, but I hope to one day! Thanks for being so honest in your blogs and being such an inspiration.

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BLAIRJ1 4/21/2011 8:59PM

    Hi pretty, missed you too! Glad to hear you're working on your self-esteem, etc. I would totally join your challenge, but it takes about two weeks to get anything sent here, and there aren't any nice big book stores like B&N or Borders like at home. Sad. But when I get home for holiday I plan to pick up some more Jillian stuff as well as order 'The Spark' since it's so cheap on Amazon!

Ben and I are challenging each other for the next 5ish weeks until we go home for holiday. It's so helpful to have him really back at it, because then not only do I have the Spark community whenever I open the computer, but I have him to keep me in line day-to-day.

If you decide to do any self-esteem coaching in online form, let me know. I know I'm too hard on myself, and I know a lot of my issues with my eating and weight come from past relationships, etc, but I have a hard time pinpointing what I need to do to get past that hurt. Self-esteem also holds me back from dancing and doing what I really want to do, because I always have that nagging voice in the back of my head saying, 'You can't do it, don't even bother', no matter how hard I try to get rid of it.

Happy to have you back! You've been a motivator for me from the start, love hearing your progress and updates. xo

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BLAIRJ1 4/21/2011 8:59PM

    Hi pretty, missed you too! Glad to hear you're working on your self-esteem, etc. I would totally join your challenge, but it takes about two weeks to get anything sent here, and there aren't any nice big book stores like B&N or Borders like at home. Sad. But when I get home for holiday I plan to pick up some more Jillian stuff as well as order 'The Spark' since it's so cheap on Amazon!

Ben and I are challenging each other for the next 5ish weeks until we go home for holiday. It's so helpful to have him really back at it, because then not only do I have the Spark community whenever I open the computer, but I have him to keep me in line day-to-day.

If you decide to do any self-esteem coaching in online form, let me know. I know I'm too hard on myself, and I know a lot of my issues with my eating and weight come from past relationships, etc, but I have a hard time pinpointing what I need to do to get past that hurt. Self-esteem also holds me back from dancing and doing what I really want to do, because I always have that nagging voice in the back of my head saying, 'You can't do it, don't even bother', no matter how hard I try to get rid of it.

Happy to have you back! You've been a motivator for me from the start, love hearing your progress and updates. xo

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BLAIRJ1 4/21/2011 8:58PM

    Hi pretty, missed you too! Glad to hear you're working on your self-esteem, etc. I would totally join your challenge, but it takes about two weeks to get anything sent here, and there aren't any nice big book stores like B&N or Borders like at home. Sad. But when I get home for holiday I plan to pick up some more Jillian stuff as well as order 'The Spark' since it's so cheap on Amazon!

Ben and I are challenging each other for the next 5ish weeks until we go home for holiday. It's so helpful to have him really back at it, because then not only do I have the Spark community whenever I open the computer, but I have him to keep me in line day-to-day.

If you decide to do any self-esteem coaching in online form, let me know. I know I'm too hard on myself, and I know a lot of my issues with my eating and weight come from past relationships, etc, but I have a hard time pinpointing what I need to do to get past that hurt. Self-esteem also holds me back from dancing and doing what I really want to do, because I always have that nagging voice in the back of my head saying, 'You can't do it, don't even bother', no matter how hard I try to get rid of it.

Happy to have you back! You've been a motivator for me from the start, love hearing your progress and updates. xo

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ZANNACHAN 4/21/2011 7:11PM

    Good hearing from you again!

I suppose you know this already, but you are not defined by your weight. Most of the time, people say this at the other end of the weight issue--for people who are overweight and look at themselves in the mirror and think "Look at me, I'm so fat. I'm worthless." etc. Well, I'm overweight. It's a fact. It's an unhealthy weight. That's also a fact. But that does not make me lazy, or stupid, or incompetent. Well, the same is true for people who have successful lost weight. Being thin and fit doesn't mean that they are defined by the shape of their skin, either. You are a bright, motivated, fun young woman--you are the same inside whatever your skin size is. It's just that now you are fitter and healthier than you had been. But the important stuff that makes you you is the same.

You're right. Your parents nagging you about what you ate or whether or not you worked--that's a problem they have; it says nothing to do with you. I had ice cream the last two weeks. It's not the end of the world (and I didn't binge on it, and I stayed within my calorie goals). But someone outside me might see that and think "Should you be having that?" Well, I don't know about should, but I also don't deserve to be punished for being over weight and that means that, yeah, I can sometimes enjoy foods I like but aren't particularly healthy as long as I don't go overboard. It's my choice. No one else has the right to judge me for that.

I guess I'm lucky that my parents don't really nag me about my weight. My dad will sometimes talk to me about my work out program and stuff, but it's not a judgmental "are you working out enough" but rather it's something we both do so it's a shared interest. At Christmas, I was working out at home and I clicked on the wrong option on the video--I clicked on the 90 minute workout, not the 30 minute workout. Not only did I not have 90 minutes to work out as we had family plans (not to mention needing time to take a shower before said family gatherings) but with my bad hip I'm not up to handling the 90 minute workout yet; the 30 minute one is plenty tough. Well, my mom started to tease me because I ended the program early, choosing to stop at my planned 30 minutes and cooling down, and my dad cut her short saying that unless she was up there working out with me, she had no right to kibitz.

Well, I think the same goes to your parents. Unless they are working out with you, they have no right to comment on when or how you chose to work out. Nor do they have a right to comment on what you eat; they don't know what you're eating the rest of the time. And what are they eating anyway? Are they eating healthy foods 80% of the time? If not, again, they have no right to comment because you splurged on a donut or something.

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Day 390: Push Goals and Stuff

Saturday, April 02, 2011

I'm wearing the same shirt as the day I started on Sparks..haha. I just noticed when I was watching the video back. :)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

APMAC_D 4/18/2011 9:45PM

    Love the goals even though you aren't sure about three LOL but I love the idea of writing anyways!

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BLAIRJ1 4/15/2011 10:48PM

    what's this new job? i feel soooo out of touch with your life. so awesome that you're focusing on getting financially independent. saving can be hard, but it feels good to be financially safe.

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Day 383: Selfless Purpose :)

Saturday, March 26, 2011

New video blog!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BLAIRJ1 4/15/2011 10:45PM

    poop on your dad. seriously. if i didn't live in australia, i would TOTALLY take your over-the-phone weight loss coaching. i keep getting into these ruts, and i KNOW it has to do with something emotional, but i can't really figure out what. it's not laziness, it's something in my head. how can i not figure out my own head? annoying. anyway, you're lovely, so awesome that you're doing this girl!

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LOVE_IS_LOUDER 4/2/2011 6:56PM

    I know EXACTLY how you feel. My parents make me feel like crap for living at home all the time, and they even talk sh!t about my boyfriend, who's older than me and still lives with his parents. I've been paying rent since the day I turned 18 (I'm 24 now) and oddly enough, they don't say anything to my brother, who's two years older than me and still living here too.
Unfortunately, I've never made enough money to live on my own and the worst part is that I WANT to move out so bad. I'm about to graduate college now, so hopefully I'll get a well-paying job and get out of here soon enough. Good luck to you!! :o)

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OHSOCOOLLISA 3/30/2011 10:54AM

    What a great video blog! You don't suck...just in case you do not hear that or read that truth enough. In fact, you rock! Financial independence is a dream of my own...AGAIN. So, I am thrilled that you are able to get out and do what you need to do. Never give up and remember you matter!

Have a fantastic day!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ZANNACHAN 3/29/2011 12:28AM

    I know I've said this before but your family has some issues emoticon I'm glad you're getting out of this environment.

I guess I've known adults who lived at home with their parents because, yeah, they could and they lacked the motivation to do anything else. But I've known a lot more adult children--including myself, and I'm older than you are--who have had to rely on their parents as financial safety nets for a variety of reasons. Shortly after we were married, my in-laws loaned us $3000 for car repairs because we didn't have the money handy (long since paid back). Last fall my parents covered some major dental work because I don't have dental insurance and didn't have the money on hand (as we'd used up our savings the year before when the van needed major repairs--including a new transmission--and then was stolen, and then had to buy a new computer when mine died, and then the van was stolen again last fall--we got it back, but it still cost money. We're in the process of paying them back for the teeth). My brother and his wife and kid had to live with my parents for 2 years, even though my brother was working multiple jobs and long hours, because they didn't have enough money for their own place. I know other people who, to varying degrees, have had to lean on their parents. This economy stinks and a lot of us, even those of us who can get by under normal conditions, can find ourselves trapped by unexpected circumstances. It happens. I could feel guilty about it, or I can figure that some day, somehow, I can pay them back for the helping me when I need it. I have already, at least a little, by helping both my mom and mom-in-law when they had surgery, for example, and things like helping my MIL in her garden when she couldn't get get any work done. That's called family. Your family doesn't seem to get that.

I think that it is awesome that you are going in as a weight loss coach. I think it would be a rewarding experience, helping other people achieve a healthier lifestyle etc. I'm curious about how you would go about doing it--what strategies you would use. Especially since I'm pretty frustrated with my lack of weight loss progress lately (and with my conversation with the doctor last week which sort of added insult to injury) but I'm not sure what more I can reasonably commit to do.

But it's spring (supposedly, anyway, not that it seems very spring like today) and I've joined a springing into action challenge, and I'll be joining another challenge in mid April, and I'm finally well enough to start going to the gym again and strength training and I'm getting back into fencing. Hopefully that all will help.

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CHERRIBABE 3/28/2011 1:33PM

    I don't even know how I stumbled across your page and this blog, but this is such an awesome thing you are doing. I could definitely use some help so I may reach out to you and take you up on your offer. I've been overweight for about 3 years and while I've hate every minute of it, I don't think I've been serious or committed enough in the past, until NOW. About 5 weeks ago I made the decision that enough is enough, and since then I have lost about 13 lbs and I have about 40-45 more to go. Sometimes its hard that its happening so slowly, but it is happening and when I look at your page and your progress it gives me the encouragement that I can do this too!!

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DEBBIE19580 3/27/2011 7:56PM

    what a awesome thing your doing!!! I love it., and you look AWESOME!!!!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GLAM0ROUS 3/27/2011 4:30PM

    that's such a great idea :)

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SANDRAAAR 3/26/2011 10:31PM

    I know you can do it! And I think that weight loss couseling over the phone is a great idea!! Eventually, you could use this as volunteer work, and maybe even start your own weight loss clinic! Definitely a wonderful idea!!

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2BFREE2LIVE 3/26/2011 9:52PM

    What a wonderful and giving person you are. I wish everyone in the world could be like you. Wish you the very best in all you do. Sandy emoticon

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BAILEE_GRAVES 3/26/2011 9:20PM

    You are absolutely beautiful!! It broke my heart to hear what your dad has to say. We have a son who will be 22 next week and he still lives at home. While we would like for him to become financially independent and move out on his own, in today's economy that's not as easy as it used to be. It hurts my heart that he makes you feel like crap.

I have no doubt, based on just this short vlog, that you're going to be incredibly successful at whatever you do!!


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Day 375: Video Blog Updates! Fun Stuff :)

Friday, March 18, 2011


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    Ooh, that is so impressive/weird how spot-on the psychic was! I'm glad she reaffirmed what you already knew, though (moving out, helping people, etc). She's right, though -- you have already helped and inspired a lot of people (myself included). I've always wanted to get a reading done before, so it's cool to see someone talk about how positive their experience was.

I'm so happy for you that you're moving out -- being around negativity is bound to have an influence on your self-esteem, which you don't need! Only positivity and encouragement :)

Keep up the good work!


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JOIE501 3/20/2011 9:20PM

    That is awesome! I have never been to a psychic but I would love to go....I kind of am scared to know my future, and don't want to ruin the surprise ;) Congrats to moving out on your own! xoxo Happy Spring emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BLAIRJ1 3/20/2011 9:11PM

    YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYYYYY i am SO happy you are getting out on your own! what a huge step for you! will you be getting a roomie? also, i have been to a couple of psychics, but it was when i was in early high school and i don't really remember what they said except for that i would have twins someday. hahaha. she was SO spot on, how cool is that? sometimes you just need something completely different, instead of the same people telling you their opinions all the time. yay for so many happy things in your life!

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DRB13_1 3/19/2011 4:44AM

    get some rest, sweetie!
and no, I've not used a psychic before... interesting reading

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STRI23 3/19/2011 2:13AM

    Cool, I'm way too nervous to get a psychic reading haha. Crazy how she was so spot on.

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